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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

Michael Jackson's former wife Lisa Marie Presley said Friday the pop star was a tortured soul who once predicted that he would "end up" like her father, the late rock icon Elvis Presley.

"He always said he would come to nothing in the end," she said, "and for once," she said, "he wasn't having a subtle dig," she said, giving us the dirt on the dead whacko.

He has dedicated his life to the Catholic church. For years he was a member of the NSW Anti-Discrimination Board and his work with HIV and AIDS sufferers in Sydney earned him a Medal of the Order of Australia (OAM) in 1994.

"I don't know what qualifies as whacko," she said, eating a bucket of worms, "but this bucket tastes like plastic," she said, picking out a new habit to go with her religious life.

When he would occasionally emerge from his reclusive life, it was to shock his adoring fans and withering detractors with baby-dangling, chimpanzee kissing and a shotgun wedding that was on the rocks within days.

"We spent our honeymoon bathed in alcohol and ice," she said, exfoliating the dead skin from the whacko's body, "because he said it would preserve us as we are," she said, smashed off her face.

He was reading from an autocue. Jackson couldn't manage to string a few sentences together on his own.

"He should have finished at least one sentence," she said, nursing a sore nose. "He was always fluffing," she said, farting loudly with Bubbles.
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Norm Takes A Seat: I'm a Believer

July 1st 2009 23:26
God-fearing Norm, one of God's precious creatures, fresh from "telling it how it is" to the uninformed and admiring, has lashed out at no-one in particular in a frightening attack.

"I, myself, don't believe in myself," Norm said, turning up the heat on the important and wonderful, "but Jesus," he prayed, "it's gotten awfully stuffy in here all of a sudden."

Norm, the unheralded Master of the Universe, has consistently been at pains to avoid coming off as being so full of himself it's not funny, to the extent that it's starting to hurt.

"It hurts right here," Norm, a touchy typist, said holding his hand over his mouth, "but," he said, clutching your arse, "I'm afraid this climate is caused by people being stuffy."

God, fearing Norm like the plague, has been in hiding for fear of what The Master of the Universe would do to him if he ever got his hands, infinitely more creative than God's, on him.

"My hands," God said, "pale in comparison to his," he said, in a moment of rare and refreshing humility. "The fact that I don't even exist makes life very difficult for me."

Norm, as precious as can be in God's non-existent eyes, has lashed out at passing traffic after tripping over his own feats, and nearly snapping his neck talking behind Jesus's back.

"I had to swiflty usher myself away," he said, clutching his arse. "You won't hear me say, I didn't deserve it," he said, holding his hands over your ears. "Jesus will have my arse, if I do."

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Perez Hilton has shocked middle-aged, middle-managers and crack-licking, double-dealing dopes with the shocking news that he is a finger-licking arsehole and closet-opener.

"It was me all along," he said, sniffing a pinky. "I just have one question for you," he told a chick with a mouth like you wouldn't believe. "How do you feel about holes in the head?"

The chick in question, so full of herself she's overflowing, seemed at a loss to answer what she called "the poofter's poser", but did promise not to shoot off her big mouth again.

"I have a mouth like you wouldn't believe," she told a disbelieving Hilton. "I just have one question for you," she said, playing with his vibrator. "How do you get this thing to work?"

Hilton, a card-carrying, door-to-door sex-aid salesman, needn't have answered the question for reasons that are obvious to anybody with a knowledge of the business at hand.

"I have to get this thing to work," Hilton said, carrying a case of the things. "If I came to your door," he explained, going around the back, "you'd find me with my hand on the buzzer."

The chick in question, a self-satisfied customer, was nursing a hole for a mouth after she accidentally shot it off, forcing her to open up an account of the accident with her lawyer.

"My client is innocent," the chick's mouthpiece told the judge. "She is a victim of this bloody dildo," he said, wobbling his head in circles. "She shot her mouth off in self-defence."

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Adam and Eve, the god-fearing couple of weak minds and weaker flesh, having succumbed to temptation, have told of the hell they endured raising a butchering bastard.

"I always knew he was rotten," Eve said, munching on an apple. "I tried the best I could," she said, "but when God adopted that less than gay stance with him, he was furious


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Michael Jackson Alive and Well

June 25th 2009 23:30
Pop-icon, Mikhail Jackson has been found alive and well living in the Soviet enclave of Australia after defecting to the other side because of a legal wrangle over his wife.

"Report of my demise have been greatly exaggerate," Mikhail Jackson, barely able to conceal his true intentions of dismantling churches and infiltrating public forums, said


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The Three Stooges
The diagnosis was made by Chairman Moe (seen here transplanting the hair of Larry into the larynx of Curly)

A woman in the US is suffering from an incurable growth syndrome that makes her body grow at an incredibly fast rate.

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With Rihanna set to break her silence in her assault case, Chris Brown reached a plea agreement that spared him jail time, it was announced Monday.

"We have an announcement to make," he said, breaking her silence. "It's not nearly as bad as being knocked up," he said, tying her up


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Your groin is not designed to carry your weight, say experts concerned by the shape of many traditional bike seats.

"Your groin is not designed to carry your weight," experts said, euphemistically speaking. "It's designed to carry the weight of your genitals," the experts said


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News Corp's MySpace refused to comment on Thursday on a report the previous day that said the online social network will fire a "massive" number of employees.

"We have seen a record number of our people update their status," News Corp's MySpace said on Friday, "to not working," MySpace said, sensing a rapid swing in mood towards a "depression


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LIBYAN leader Muammar Gaddafi has likened the US to al-Qaeda during a landmark visit to his country's former colonial master, Italy.

"It was only a joke," Gaddafi said, plotting some unspeakable act of "Terror". "Dialogue is the only thing that will end this dumb show," the Tony award-winning director of "Terror" said


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