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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

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Fred Nile caught in web porn scandal

September 1st 2010 23:50
Conservative NSW MP Fred Nile had denied accessing porn sites from his office and says that members of his staff were simply researching links on certain websites.

"I must confess though," Mr. Nile admitted, "that I have played a prominent role in many adult movies, including the award-winning David and Damo's Anal Adventure."

Mr Nile, from the Christian Democrat party, is well known in NSW for his conservative stance on a range of social issues, and has long opposed the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras.

"I can't stand to watch the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, any more," the rather conservative MP told listeners, "so I've decided to have my own float."

Mr Nile said his staff had been working to "build up a diagram".

"I don't care what it looks like," he screamed. "Just make sure everyone can see my arse."

Tony Windsor, one of the three independents who asked for the costings, last night described it as "a black hole''.


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Norm Opens Up About Style

August 31st 2010 00:07
Norm, inarguably an argumentative son of a belch, has clashed angrily with a huge number of people wearing clothes that don't go together.

"I'm no fashion expert," Norm said, turning at the top of his walk and returning from whence he came, "but that doesn't mean I don't know what's goin' on."

Norm, probably more full of himself than a ball of socks, is wearing pretty thin on himself but has vowed to launch a new range of inappropriate labels this spring.

"Is Anti-Religious Soviet-Style Propaganda Back In?", Norm was asked by Karl Lagerfeld, which drew an ugly and ill-fitting response from the intelligent designer.

"God, I don't have to answer any more of these lauded questions, comrade," Norm said, pouring himself into a cup and coming apart at the seams, drinking to himself.

Big in Japan, where the average height is about three feet, Norm can't see why we're so opposed to whaling, after a face-to-face meeting with a calf, on death-row for endangering another species.

"Does any of this mean anything?" Norm, unusually open, asked himself as he thumbed through Das Kapital in German, before zipping himself up.

"My whips are sealed," he seemed to say, throwing away the key and turning to reveal a little number he had just "thrown together at the last minute," darlings.

"These shoes are killing my calves," the blubbering idiot went on to appear to say, as he desanguinated a couple of baby cows with a pair of flip-flops.

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Titled, Not

August 16th 2010 04:17
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Charles has burst into tears in an unexpected show of emotion after opening his "Writer Stats for Charles" email and finding that Norm had replaced him as Orble's "Top Writer".

"Sure, all I've ever written has been directly taken from another source," he cried, wiping away the tears on Jon's cheeks, "but that doesn't mean something, something..."

"This is a very emotional day for me," Charles said, literally crying his arse out, "but at least...a new, class-leading V8 diesel engine, new 8-speed transmission, two significant Terrain Response upgrades and subtle external styling all combine to ensure the 2011 Range Rover Vogue retains its crown as king of the luxury SUV segment if nothing else...aww...I can't do it...awww..."

Norm, as matter-of-fact as he is incapable of driving a car, was typically smooth in his handling of bumpy terrain, with luxurious interior settings and class-leading style the new Norm combines leather upholstered arse-cheeks with an upholstered interior for class-leading luxury and smooth handling and European excellence which enables the new Norm to drive all the way to the top and leaves all competitors gasping for air in the "environmentally friendly" black smoke emanating from the exhaust and troubling but "perfectly normal" clunking sound, although get it checked out because it could mean that the engine is about to fall out, but don't worry about the red light flashing on the dash because it either means there's a design fault, or the brakes don't work properly.

"Of course, my sympathies are with Charles at this time," Norm, typically class-leading in his smooth handling and European excellence, spluttered, "Have you seen the car he drives? It's not what I'd call a gasoline-powered sedan with a top speed of 190 km/h. It's actually a bit of a shit-box."

Orble Company Car


As usual, the 1.4 TSI (90 kW / 122 PS) and the 2.0 TSI (147 kW / 200 PS) offer high-tech in proven form. Except for the 1.2 TSI, all engines may be paired with a 6-speed DSG (77 kW TDI, 103 kW TDI, 147 kW TSI) or 7-speed DSG (90 kW TSI, 118 kW TSI).

1) 15085 Norm
2) 15084 charles
3) 12364 Ian
4) 6881 Jack
5) 6048 Cibbuano
6) 4856 Bryn
7) 4829 ZPages
8) 3907 MelissaA
9) 3284 Journeywoman
10) 3174 Morgan Bell
11) 2581 Tyronne
12) 2573 Oracle of Delphi
13) 2544 Arnold
14) 2404 Whitney
15)1928 Matt Shea
16) 1638 JohnDoe
17) 1632 Jason King
18) 1607 Raoul Duke
19) 1584 Scarlett
20) 1507 Dexter

Updates on Charles' emotional state will be available from the third quarter of 2011.

[Source: Charles' Orble Writer Stats]
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Orble CEO and founding farter Tom Cruise has moved to Melbourne in a late bid to play down mounting tension between his stable of Sydney "writers" and his mouse-infested hay stack of Melbourne "bloggers".

"I've been compared to old McDonald before," Cruise, trying his hand at goat husbandry, told the Hamburglar, "and, let me tell you, goats make excellent husbands."

The Hamburglar, a leading Melbourne identity and possibly of the view that Sydney is a bit of a funny farm, has offered to put Cruise up in his spacious Melbourne park bench.

"I've got yesterday's paper," he told that weird bloke with the trenchcoat, as they got ready for bench, pulling the paper up over his head, "but if there's one thing I can't stand it's getting woken up in the middle of the afternoon when I'm trying to sleep."

Old McDonald, a bit of a whizz in the industrial kitchen, said that, "People tell me my food is good, but I am my harshest critic. I need MasterChef to hone my skills and find out if I really am good."

Leading Sydney sausage-lover and master chef Alan Jones was at pains to add that he can't wait to see the back of MasterChef wannabe Cruise, who once again failed when it comes to cooking the books.

"I can't believe anyone would question the authentic taste of success," Old McDonald said, delivering a cross between a chicken and an alpaca. "The numbers are in and, whether you like it or not, the expected top for Melbourne is about 67."

1) 15939 charles
2) 13022 Ian
3) 6633 Jack
4) 5804 Cibbuano
5) 5594 Bryn
6) 5030 ZPages
7) 3672 MelissaA
8) 3477 Morgan Bell
9) 3303 Journeywoman
10) 2770 Tyronne
11) 2635 Oracle of Delphi
12) 2572 Whitney
13) 2550 Arnold
14) 1839 Raoul Duke
15) 1760 Matt Shea
16) 1667 Jason King
17) 1598 JohnDoe
18) 1587 Dexter
19) 1585 Scarlett
20) 1563 KC Hill

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An embattled and embittered typist has revealed a stunning anti-Melbourne bias on the soap-box he is standing on.

Known only as Norm, and possibly residing in Australia's finest city - a city which shits over all others, has obtained documentary evidence to support his potentially silly claims.

"I have, in a folder marked 'Spam', the evidence of Orble's shamelessly anti-Melbourne agenda," Norm, speaking through a hole in his head, told the last person to see him alive.

"If you are reading this," he told executors to his estate, "I am probably dead or in hiding or both or none or all three or alive and well and not living in Melbourne."

Norm, possibly from Melbourne originally, then went on to expose the "Top Writers" of Orble who name Melbourne as their favourite holiday destination.

1) 14638 charles
2) 14032 Ian
3) 5742 Jack
4) 5248 Cibbuano
5) 5061 Bryn
6) 4111 ZPages
7) 3391 Raoul Duke
8) 3161 Morgan Bell
9) 2921 MelissaA
10) 2796 Journeywoman
11) 2502 Tyronne
12) 2350 Arnold
13) 2232 Oracle of Delphi
14) 2200 Whitney
15) 1628 Matt Shea
16) 1585 Jason King
17) 1561 JohnDoe
18) 1454 katyzzz
19) 1415 Scarlett
20) 1381 Dexter

Many of the "Top Writers" refused to be drawn on whether they think Sydney has better weather than Melbourne, but one thing is for sure: it doesn't.

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Norm, an ordinary bloke - some would say very ordinary, has broken his silence for the first time in weeks over controversial remarks he has to make about people who have access to the internet.

Pressed further, Norm hinted at a return to the days before the printing press assumed control of public conciousness and laughed off reports he had lost his sense of humour in a bad joke.

"Those claims are a joke," he said, laughing his arse off, "and let me be the first to say that I'm not laughing," he said, suddenly turning deadly serious in one of those rapid changes of mood, people and pets have grown accustomed to.

Asked to elaborate on his long absence, he was at pains to say that his growing disillusionment with the internet has grown to the point where it seems pointless to him to expand on a point, missing the point entirely.

"Those who say that there's a place for creative writing on the net," Norm, notoriuosly fond of pontificating, preached, "are sadly mistaking critical writing for something I give two shits about," he said, not giving a single shit.

Norm, critical of the internet and personal impressions in general, has turned his attention to a variety of pursuits, some of which include lying in bed until it gets dark again and contemplating the point of a knife.

"I'll be damned if I'm just going to lie there all day in bed," he said, in a critical condition, "because lazy people like me can go straight to Hell," he said, without a single word of a lie.
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Cheese recalled over samonella fears

April 14th 2010 02:26
A man is on the run after stealing a car with a three-year-old child on board from outside a shop in Sydney's west.

After he was arrested, he threatened to burn the couple's house down and kill his daughter's partner if he couldn't see his grandchildren.

''We are sure [the mummy] is female,'' SCA chief Zahi Hawass said. ''Either she was a small woman, and mummies always shrink, or she could have been a young woman.''

"Anyone who has a decade of celibacy has 'complete loser' written on their back," she joked, although she still respects those who do abstain.

Seagal has not responded to the claims.

He is also facing charges of driving an unregistered and defective vehicle, displaying false number plates and evading police.

The young girl, who was unharmed during the ordeal, was reunited with her father shortly afterwards.

"Anyone who has a decade of celibacy has 'complete loser' written on their back," she joked, although she still respects those who do abstain.

The Vatican has tried to distance the Pope from the scandals but fresh allegations in Germany have brought them closer to his doorstep.

Arrested in June 1992, he was assaulted by his guards, local people and schoolchildren who practised their karate moves on him, he said.

He then bashed their heads with a claw hammer to ensure they were dead, the Frankston Magistrates Court heard on Tuesday.

"We must do everything possible to further limit the growth of the human population," he said.

Let's take the example of Brad and Janet, both 22 years old and both working.



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A man has been charged and a woman arrested over the stabbing of a 23-year-old man after a verbal exchange at a service station.

People who knew him say he was always happy, a gym junkie and caravan salesman who was incredibly proud.

The 24-year-old, who wears a bow tie and sports a bowl haircut, is also being touted by many bloggers as this year's Susan Boyle, the best-selling artist who unexpectedly became a musical superstar after her show-stopping performance on the "Britain's Got Talent" TV programme.

"Everything must be done to establish the reasons for this in the shortest possible time," Russian news agencies quoted Putin as saying.

At one point he was refused bail and will face Parramatta Local Court on Saturday, frightening the woman seeking refuge inside, the court heard.

She was married the previous Monday in a traditional arrangement known as a "swap marriage", in which the brother of the bride also married the sister of the groom, it said.

We seized the soap and it is now being analysed at a laboratory to verify the veracity of the claim, or whether it's just a really bad joke.

Mr Obama has made the issue a key priority and the gathering will mark one of the largest meetings of heads of state and government ever in Washington.

He's even kept a list of those who wrote negative things about him last year with the plan to eventually speak to each one.

It was on sale for $US300 ($323).

But the pane frattau is a notable exception; it's a layer of flat bread soaked in lamb stock, dressed lightly with a meat ragu and topped with a soft fried egg.
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