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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

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Consumption Malfunction - November 2007

Delta Goodrem says I do

November 30th 2007 02:02

Award-winning pastry chef and absolute 'mother' Delta Goodrem has given fans a glimpse of the petulant flower that lurks under the surface of her shiny verneer.

"I do" the song-basher said, before continuing with "believe that I am greater than sliced bread. Can sliced bread do this?" she asked, before subjecting an infant to the torture that is her latest single.

Many observers believe that, unlike the rest of reality, vision is a form of dualism.

"I just have such a passion for music" the wedding-crash said "I hope one day to play in front of a crowd of cashed-up idiots."

As for wedding bells, well, let's just say that.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Love, Poached

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Peter Costello falls on his sword

November 25th 2007 07:21

Costello can now treasure having a mouth in his foot for a change

Organic domestic cleaning implement Peter "The Vacuous Vacuum" Costello has fallen horrifically on his weapon while celebrating his induction into the Johnny Howard Surf Team last night.

The beleaguered dole-bludger told the many tenticles of Biggish Male Sibling that "I don't know who to vote for. I just want a big fattish cheque".

The foot that fell on his weapon has been compared to his mouth by some astute judges of the supreme being.

The appendage, like that of most hemaphrodites, now has a gash the size of his newly filled wallet.

"I'm looking forward to life outside the public eye. I can get a lot more cameras into my shoes that way." said the career upskirt cinematographer.

The shemale can now expect to be collecting payments fortnightly.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: People

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Michael Jackson Chucks Spears

November 24th 2007 00:29

The Spears-chucker(seated left)

A top American head-fucker has told a crowd of emotionally ingrown toe-nail clippings that Michael Jackson has been the "ass model" for popped princess Britney "Asparagus" Spears.

"Look at his ass and then look at hers. Then look at his. Then hers. Then his. Hers. His. The similarities are striking", Dr. Pinky Drew said while snorting a line of chalk.

"It's how her father treated me to a cheeseburger and milkshake that made me get down on all fours like the related chimp that I am".

Unlike many women today Wacko Jacko lost his virginity at his own hand.

"If the show fits. We're it." the noted doctor of nine told shocked power-lines while dancing the foxtrot in the middle of a game of chasey.

"It all adds up to a recording contract and a string of hits followed by a healthy dose of living on. Others'll have me eating scones" the head-fucker finished with.

The world spins on its axis.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Food, Baked

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Paris Hilton has her rubbery ones duck in for a bath

November 19th 2007 09:17

Paris has her rubbery ones duck in for a bath

Jilted performance artist and financially strapped megalomaniac Paris "The Sinking Shesailor" Hilton has had a bucketful of minors flown into her bathtub on the eve of the next day.

The sqeaky clean heiress has told reporters to "Fuck off and leave me alone."

The statements are in stark contrast.

The trapped minors, confessed gold-diggers, have told reporters of nights filled with many sudsy ones and freebies on the bar.

"Nothing gets me digging like a big vein" said one as he showed shocked onlookers his nuggets.

Paris Hilton refused to speak to us but she did offer to do the dishes.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Love, Grilled

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Megan Gale Scratched from The Melbourne Cup

November 5th 2007 21:01

The fast cow has told reporters that fellow fast-cow and knockabout she-larrikin Jennifer Hawkins scratched her eyes in a lesbian tryst in the mounting yards.

The carny-folk pop duo have released a string of nylon over the last decade that have seen them avoid the normal biological 'stresses' and 'tensions' of other pieces of equine flesh.

One horse racing expert, who wished to remain in bed till 7AM said, "Can't I just have a couple more minutes? I hate getting up."

You'll have to get up pretty in the morning to be able to park your testicles on either Gale's or Hawkins' chins.

Hawkins said of Gale "She blows harder and more often in Spring."

It's a statement that can be backed up without roughage.

The race that stops a nation is not Aboriginal.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Games

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Coalition pounces on Garrett's 'giraffe'

November 3rd 2007 02:20

Garrett's 'giraffe'

The hot-panted Labor drummer Peter Garrett has scoffed at claims his giraffe is a camel following Opposition crooner Peter Costello's attempts to hump his 'leg'.

"I scoff at these claims", the belated percussionist said as he went through his gymnastics routine at his run-down garrett.

But the Liberal Party - so named because they are conservative - has given him a liberal dousing in expensive liquor that only Liberals can get their sanctified mittens on.

"Garrett is a puppet who wants to be a real boy. But you need one of these to be a real boy!" Alex Downer said as he unveiled his elephantine election initiative.

To which Kevin Rudd - a quarter Chinese said - "It's erection time."

Australians are set to go to the box every night after work-for-the-dole.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: People

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