"If he wasn't a nigger, another nigger wouldn't have called him on his mobile to buy drugs." the judge said sheepishly at the wake for Heath Ledger held at Wayne Carey's pad.
It is understood that the jude wasn't partaking in mysterious white substances extracted from the tissues he found in Ledger's pockets when Miami Vice's Don Johnson cracked open a pack.
Carey, who was so chained to the kitchen that he couldn't fraternise with his guest speakers, was laterally chained to the kitchen by guest Johnson.
"Is done, is good." Carey said in typically articulate fashion before celebrating his reinduction into police practices by smashing some kitchenware over a pitted model.
Symonds could only watch on from his cage while the judge continued to egg on his face.
"It's all scambled." Symonds said of the seas of his trousers as he patted guests on the bottom in a friendly way condemned by kitchenbound Carey.
"I'm the only one who can hit bottom here!" he screamed while cutting in on his friends' sandwiches.
Harbajhan could only synthesize with his "brother", which he did while making sweet love to his mother.
The barking-mad Scottish bastard delivered the apology personally after the government and the opposition crossed the floor causing repentent Zombies to roam the country like nomads in search of victims.
A penitent Zombie now, Hardie has vowed not to compensate victims of fibro housing but has delivered a solemn "sorry" before dining out on the brains of "decent Australians".
It is understood by experts that the influx of new undead Australians will result in an accomodation crisis which can only be alleviated by placing a large number into Foster's care.
The government and opposition, backed by "decent Australians", have labelled fibro a tastier grey-matter than brains in an attempt to appease the voracious Zombie appetite to no avail.
"There's no grey areas in grey matter. It's black and white." Hardie said as he played the bag-pipes with the body of Bronwyn Bishop's daughter.
The tune from the body of an Australian sounds so.
Victorious Police Squaw Christine Nixon, daughter of Dick, has modelled the latest fragrance from her fashion house to the finest nostrils in a state of excitement.
At the uncorking ceremony, Nixon told her drug squad dicks to go and powder their nuzzels because she wasn't ready to parade for them without her floaties.
"We have scoured exclusive areas for the biggest 'vulvas' and have finally been able to snatch our man." she told them as she walked on a cat.
It is believed that Carey, a giant dick as well as a 'vulva', has been in the clutches of the party-drug capsicum spray for about a day which doesn't account for the cents he's extracted for being good at footy.
The drug, that is made from the semen collected from the diaphragms of middle-aged women, is believed to be sprayed from the arse of a cat.
Carey refused to verify claims he is a hermaphrodite but did offer to do the dishes and mow the lawns.
The scent of a Carey is due to be released from prison soon.
Inmates have told guards that they could eat the arse out of a low duck.
The diabolical brain behind the single-handed bandit has told opponents to beware of his latest creation ahead of electrical activity that has him remembering dismembered patients from his past.
The evil Doctor Federer, who has whipped many lazy rackets over the net, has admitted that his latest diabolical invention is his most self-destructive.
"To be perfectly frankenstein, I only ever play well in parts and pieces these days."
Federer looked up into his latest opponent's mother's box and was shocked to find another top seed.
After stalling at the hands of his Slav slave, Federer says that "He can't wait to get back into neutral."
His opponent, the Slav, has cut short his hair ahead of it falling out from radioactive roots.
The real country and listerine musician had a twang in his pants, or he was happy to see us, as he rode into town on his clothes-horse, Molly, to accept his award for eating meat pies and sprouting heirs.
"I'd like to thank God that I haven't fallen off," he said as he made a perfect dismount in an otherwise packed can of big beans and small fish.
The role is set to skyrocket Kernaghan to new "Hellos!" when he gets acquainted with his co-star, the one and only, John Deere.
"Brrrk. Tickticktickticktick. Brakbrakbrakbrakbrak." Deere wrote in a Dear John letter to the producers of the sequel to be shot in high defamation on the slopes of Asia.
The producers have stated that bringing the slopes of Asia to the big screening process was always going to be.
Deere, who's careered out of control, is never going to have a ride like "that absolute country!" sinker.
The opportunity to rekindle his love affair with "Right-ons!" has left Kernaghan in no doubt as to what he'll be doing as soon as flaming starts.
"I have no idea."
"Get that man a bucket of KFC!" he cried while licking the butter from his rubber gloves after stuffing another baby-sitter.
It is understood by scientists that deepfried chicken is a staple of every good Australian's deity.
"Christ," he said, "if you've ever had to bend over to catch a chook, you'll know what I mean when I say that."
The keeper has told effects microphones that his right-handed manager dropped his lunch before and after lunch leaving himself green around the gills.
Quite what he's keeping nobody thinks is a secret.
His right-handed man, a man who fell out of a banana tree some eons back, has cacked himself over his goofiness but praised the mayonaise on his leg.
"If you think farts are funny," the funnyman told waiters, "you're going to kill yourselves if they bring the ropes in any more."
KFC have abbreviated their performance enhanced produce after cooping stick for their stance on faggots.
"They've also failed to cotton on to world opinion of watermelon-eaters." the banana bending funnymaniac told fishfingers in his mongoloid-infested waters.
"Our mash potatoes", the nutty KFC colonel has told us, "are the glue that blinds the fabric of Aussie society, quite laterally!",
Artistic types have come out to support the piles of sticks angry at the backlash they believe they have suffered at being labelled 'artistic types'.
"We have come out to throw our support behind these branches," a spokesperson for the wily artistic types said while mincing around some meat.
"These piles aren't interested in my anus!", they finished with before applying some cream to their scone.
Macho magician, the archactor George "Sly Arnie" Pell has come out even stronger in support saying, "If I had my way, I'd do a trick on all homosexuals, and then I'd go poof!"
It is understood that a handful of 'artistic types' have thrown down the lilac linoleum in anger at being branded on the cheeks with an iron.
"This lino is a symbol of our interest in artistic pursuits", their spokesperson hummed while polishing some porcelain.
"I wish my brother George was queer", they said while playing to Maccas.
The drama that has unfolded from the drapes is set to add colour to an otherwise dreary bedroom ensemble.
At least it'll give us something to sink our teeth into.
Australians are fed up with baby formula, an exclusive surveyor reveals.
The surveyor, a man with a funny shaped implement, has told us that massive new homes should go everywhere.
"If I had my way, I'd keep a couple of abo butlers." he said looking through his glass.
He believes that the legal age for drinking should be lowered to open up new markets in all communities not just those of our "lucky monkey bastards".
Many are asking the question, "Who was here before the aboriginal?".
It is a quest that has a nation of drunkards falling over themselves to answer.
"I'm sorry, but I don't think I should say sorry." the surveyor's little women said while washing up.
Apart from apartheid this system is the best we've got.
In private, the surveyor also told us that.
After calling it quits with wife Katie Holmes telling her that he "just needed more spaceships", Tom Cruise has agreed to play himself in the fourth installment of Mission Impossible.
The film, due to be shot from a cannon, will launch the Hollywood career of the racist idealogue Mahatma "The Nasty Nazi" Gandhi into infidel targets.
Jet Li, who has agreed to argue his point and his point, is set to propel himself onto our screens with his all-action style when he takes up the role of the debating champion in the impossible mission movie.
When asked a straightforward question, Jet made a very loud gushing noise and created a lot of wind.
It is this skill that led to producers casting him off the pier.
"Let me tell you, the art of debating is not about taking up the opposite position to that which you hold, it's about asking your opponents to meet you after school for a bitch-fight," Jet said before taking off his rival in a very adult movie.
It is believed that although he is against name-calling as such, he was quoted as calling his opponent a "schoolgirl" which has led some observers to giggle girlishly.
Supreme Judge of Australian Idol Holden has stalled while touching down in Iraq aboard a plane piloted by Muslim sit-com producers.
Before his fateful trip over his laces, Holden called every Ford clone over a three day weekend to say that he was ready to challenge the biologically identical entities to a tiddly-winks match-up that has people with hyperactive saliva glands salivating.
A straw poll of observers has broken the camel's undies.
The match-up, due to go until they're both hairless, could, for the first time in recorded history, see two pips pitted against one another.
"This is a paddle to the dearth," one Ford clone said as he headed towards a watery end.
The mainstream is a river that goes to the bank.
Holden, after filling up on gags, has released a string about this length.
The judge at the centre of the soggy-biscuit competition, Mark Holden, has kept tight-lipped after being saturated by media coverage over his handling of the importance of the lives of the living.
"That Holden, as you can see, is a big guzzler." the Ford clone said after witnessing the competition's final moments.
Holden who came last in the competition was "too choked up" to say anything but did offer to challenge the Ford clone to a debate, "just as soon as I wash my hair."
Ford is set to unleash his poodle after trying it on outside.
The debate, which is set to drag out over the road until both combatants claim themselves as winkers, promises to stop the warring earache.
"This problem with the earache is a...problem, bud." the ever increasing clone said as Holden tucked into some tea and biscuits that he'd been saving.
"What the world needs now is to extend the lives of the pointless", Ford said as he defended the production of life only to be taken away.
Comparisons between farming animals and humans are erroneous, believe many non-believers.
"After all, all human life is sacred", Holden said as he strapped explosives to his boot.
"By the way, I'm an animal in the sack", he said as he made his way to the bottom of the lake.
Amidst fans with chunks of concrete in their hands, Police got heavy-handed with smelly wogs who were bugging them at the Australian Open Tennis saying, "These wogs are a virus".
"They smell like arseholes to me." claimed one teary-eyed constable.
The violent fans, switched onto the highest setting, dispersed the delightful new perfume Vulva over what police are describing as a "snatch and grab".
"We're in it up to our armpits." said developers of the new range of odours.
The Open that has seen more dickheads than Kournikova's vulva is expected to continue despite the infection.
"This opening will, I'm happy to say, be remembered as milky and delicious", said one fish and chipperer as he battered a snapper.
"Hoo. Haaa." he said auditioning for the sequel.
Things last night turned nippy at a wild party organised by a blubbering teenager with Greek fans being sprayed with garlic sauce.
Fans grasped for hair as the Greeks raised their arms above their heads.
"The air turned foul when the cops asked them to stick their hands up." one Chilean dictator on a respirator said.
Japanese whalers, who have undertaken scientific research on the teenager they claim is part of their quota, have held up signs to the media to the effect that, "He looks and sounds like a normal teenager".
The normal teenager, who many believe to be the fashion victim in all this, has told the media that the rowdy Greeks were protesting the new surface of the courts.
"Mate, these courts are a disgrace, mate." one said, "They should be concrete. Concrete, mate. Concrete."
Police who rushed on the scene to impress this really hot girl in the front row are pleased with the teenager's abduction by alien vessels but slightly miffed that the girl was watching herself on the big screen.
The Government has said that it's sorry it can't steal this generation.
International campaigners for the rights of formulaic writing have devised a cunning stunt to fit between the British leg of Spears' world tour.
Striking writers have lauded the move that is set to open the floodgates to something... that should be... good.
"We aren't striking," an unnamed writer told sorcerers close to Spears, "we are just very, very blocked."
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to do something really hard?" the typer which said the other thingo said to complete a stranger.
The world tour that is set to take all countries by force will not involve coersion of minor celebrities.
Trapped minors seeking custody of the Inklish queen have foiled plots to take readers on a pathetic, escapist journeyman.
"OK. Fed up begins to sum it up", one terrible infant spluttered, mushily.
Extraordinary dog-handler and free-thinking ridicule Obama has barracked for his dog's lead as he struck it across Sir Edmund Hillary Clinton's ass range today in Nevada.
"This is one small smack for Hillary. One giant welt for her ass." Obama said as he played around with gophing buddy Osama.
Osama, the noted terrestrialist, took two shots from the bunker before driving his buggy into the club-house bistro.
It was not long after this that Clinton presented her husband to the gallery saying "If he ever rest I've never seen it."
The narrow lead, leather, came off second best according to witnesses who reported seeing things, as they saw it, with their own two eyes.
Unlike horses, eyes compete with each other for a better view of 'reality'.
Village person Hillary Clinton has assaulted rival Barack Obama with a stunningly blunt sledgehammer on his stance over the urinals.
"I will not shell legumes when nature calls," she pleaded while dousing sanitary cakes in a steam of golden liquidity.
Obama, who many believe to be doing so well because his name is so close to Osama, has denied that he can't land a plane.
"I played football at college. I've never made a touchdown." he told his tight-end.
The former first lady has told the former president and husband Bill while at the stainless steel fountain cakes after he nearly urinated on his loafers and before he was whisked away by a giant beater, "Close but no cigar."
The campaigning for the rights of fatherless children has begun in earnest so keep your potatoes peeled.
Forget holding onto those embarrassing odours.
Adding these farts to your social routine can help you get the booty you want.
1. The Bubbling Porridge
Why it makes you skinny:
Severe malnutrition.
How to use it:
Close to death.
2. The Bloated Corpse
Why it makes you skinny:
If you're a bloated corpse, nothing gets rid of that nasty belly quicker than expelling hideous odours from every cavity in your cadaver.
How to use it:
Ask your mortician.
3. The Pakistani Leader
Why it makes you skinny:
You'll have the bumpers blown right off your cute little chassis.
How to use it:
Assume a position of authority in an oil rich region.
When Good Farts Go Bad
Abracadabra you'll have a brand new cadaver.
When a judge convicted disgraceful sprinter Marion Jones to a six month jail sentence her first words were "Fried chicken and watermelon, jive-monkey."
By the time she had won a gold medal for running really fast over a short distance her uncle O.J. Simpson, who was good at running shorter distances with stolen goods, had already killed the entire white branch of his familiar tree.
"I was a drugged mule." Jones told her pusher. "A real ass."
O.J. told a hearing after his cousin's and before his sister's that his family was not seeking renumeration for the toil of his great-great-grandmother who on retirement received a 'golden-handshower'.
"She got a clock too."
Jones, who is delighted to finally have the chance to meet her grandmother, has told her siblings to "Run!"
She says that running on the sound of a gun being fired is a trait that runs in the family.
"Running is in my blood, blood. Like counting money is in the great-great-grandchild of a human resources manager, baby."
Candidate for a heart transplant Hillary Clinton has promised television viewers that she "did not have sexual relations with that man, Mr. Clinton." after Barack Obama had tanned a few hides to decorate his cave live on the backs of thirty head of cats.
The heart that Mrs. Clinton has been waiting for is set to land her control of the entire US television industry. "With this heart I can take the village, people," she remarked while campaigning at the YMCA.
After this leg of the tour is over she's sent to hand her leg over in exchange for a vital organ.
Barack Obama has told the media that "None of us should be heroes." before fluffing his underpants and expleting "Oh, bummer!"
The two-horse race for candidacy for an organ transplant is set to air as a reality televison series in a move that has skittled the pins at an alley where cats look for mates who won't run.
Former sports champion Lleyton Hewitt, the son of the late Princess Diana, has appealed to the Australian cricket team to "make it hotter for those curries".
Citing the non-violent protests of the renegade spinner Gandhi as a precedent, Hewitt believes that "These retards are just a pack of retards. C'mon, I should know. I have a double-handed backhand."
Some commentators can remember when the whingeing Aussies went to Pakistan and fell out of flavour with their curries.
Ponting has told the curries repeatedly that "Naan of yous is any good".
Hewitt returned this with his trademark shot that hits halfway up the net followed by one off the frame.
"You'd have to be bananas to be appealing for everything", said one very attractive primate in a hat.
The furore that has erupted over the indiscriminate appealing of the Australians is reserved exclusively for a table of Commonwealth nations.
Johnny Howard Surf Team-leader, the eponymous one, has turned back the stone to reveal his pumping fists in an embarassing episode that saw him caught defrauding the system of millions.
The system of millions of virulent inbreds and loud-mouths has caused the humble natives to scratch their coupons with a bottle-top.
Nothing has done more for the well-being of people than grog.
Johnny Howard, prolific brothel-goer and family maniac, has scratched the labels of his beers in a move some have dubbed "sexually frustrated".
"I'm looking for a gold ticket, grandpa!" little Johnny Lazarus said while spooning cabbage from his 'cabbage strainer'.
The former leaders of the lucky country have labelled labels lucrative and liable to lead Lotharios to lives of loving loose ladies.
"Little Lazarus is no Lothario. He's a dead root!" claims one claimant for a single mother's allowance.
Johnny has run up quite a tab with his local member.
Rug-heads from around the shit-hole of Central Asia and those manning taxis from inside Australian borders are a bunch of monkey throwers, according to leading walkers.
The curry-munchers, nothing more than peculiar smelling and incomprehensible, will have to eat humble curry-pie when they feel the might of a nation of beaters.
"My fellow Australians love nothing more than whipping curries", said gourmet chef and Channel Nine wicketkeeper Ian Healy.
It's the reason curries over here never rise.
"They want curry, then that's what we'll give them", said a waiter in an Indian Restaurant.
It is believed the champ at the center of the curry-controversy has slipped while grinding his organs.
"Mate, I've had to ape Australians in order to become one. That's why I'm more Aussie than bonza, you beaut, cobber", the coconut-clapper claims.
The banana shortage that has led to an increase in racism has caused commentators to slip and fall as diabolical Australian hypocrisy goes, "Oooh, oooh. Aaaah. Aaaah".
The shortage that has seen luminaries from all manner of paddocks picking fleas of each others' backs has seen embattled Australians labelled "embattled".
"We are not monkeys. We are God's chosen people." announced one notable national.
"Can a Monkey do this?" another said as he gave the standard Aussie thumbs-up.
"If you're looking for monkeys, look no further than Sri Lanka or any other habitat for darkies." reads the manual on Australian attitudes towards hypermelonomaniacal herds.
A former New Zealand monkey has dragged his knuckles as he recounted the occasion when Australian crowds labelled him "a wanker."
"I may be a monkey but, I'm also a wanker." he said in sign language with scientists studying champs.
A grass-roots campaign to save spontaneously combusting people from the onerous duty of attending church has sprung up in front lawns across the road.
The campaign that was triggered by a timely sprinkling system has hosed down speculation of a smelly horse.
The combusting spontaneously people at the centre of the road have said "that this is a ticking time bomb".
"This fertilizer is for the grass-roots".
The churches have brushed off the horse after some Muslims said the combustibles had good heads on their shoulders.
"Not for long" claim officials inspecting the nature-strip.
"These people should not be allowed mobile phones ever again. We're going to make fertiliser out of them"
Strips of nature in jungles of concrete require fertilizer, call and tell a friend.
The taking of human-life, the church claims, is not what Jesus died for.
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