Neo-communist agitators Pat Rafter, Michael Clarke and Sarah Murdoch are urging men and women to burn their bras, undies and singlets to highlight the success of "real existing capitalism."
"We think that everyone should march in the street with their bras and undies burning. This package is the only way we can think of to get people to put their hands in their pockets," Sarah said.
"What Sarah is trying to say is that we need to get people back into fresh underwear. It's no good for people to be wearing yesterday's undies. We have a whole new range. More expensive," Pat said.
"What Pat and Sarah are trying to say is that we need people to put their money where their mouth is. I know where my mouth is. I ask my fellow Australians, where is your mouth? Put something back into undies," Michael said.
"What I was trying to say, Michael, is that when things are a bit tight, undies are the first thing people stop squirelling away for. I urge everyone to go out, today, and put a match to your undies and see what happens," Pat pleaded.
"What Pat is trying to say is that women need to emancipate themselves from the bonds of a repressive society. The first thing they should do is go out and get a high paying job, sack a bunch of workers and then give themselves a big pat on the back. With a pay rise," Sarah quipped.
"What Sarah and Pat are trying to say is that acquiring something that everyone wants, like say a close relationship with the latest model, will make you feel in some way compensated for these uncomfortable feelings," Michael fidgeted.
"What I mean by that is if men and women stop wearing new undies we could see a real collapse of the only thing between pants and skirts and genitals and, more importantly, something we all share, and that's an arsehole," he said.
Kerry Packer's illegitimate daughter from a turbulent extra-marital affair with Kerry-Anne Kennelly has pointed out obvious flaws in Channel Nine's new hit sit-com Underbelly.
"It's not funny for a start," she told her sister Erica Baxter. "If I was you, I'd not be suffering from some sort of mental health problem. How many crazy rich bitches get locked up?"
"My point is that Robert Trimbole is not as bad as you make out. Actually, he never even owned an orange orchard. He did wear a funny hat, I'll give you that," she said brandishing a hat.
"But really, it's not funny. I mean, here I am. Screaming out for some attention from my family and all I get is a role in the background of George Freeman's casino," she said oiling her naked frame.
"I tell you what, Erica," she said pointedly, "I'm over all of these lies for dramatic effect. I am your sister. Now let me see my niece or I'll go all Ray Chuckian on you, Les," she said sneaking in to her house.
"I'm really not as bad as the papers make out. I couldn't even kill your little dog. Sorry about the cat. Something just came over me," she said as she pulled, what many thought was a beanie but was actually, a baklava over her face.
"I can't wait to see what's going to transpire next week. I think that I might strap myself with a bag of icing sugar and jump out of you cake-hole, Erica," she whispered in my ear.
That's not my name.
TRAVIS the chimpanzee's relationship with his owner was closer than those of some married couples.
"He was like my ex-husband. Only less hairy and less abusive," the chimp's owner confided to the animal's faceless victim.
"We did everything together. He liked reverse cowgirl but I like it on top," she explained, sipping champagne from a flute.
"He always knew just what to do. That bitch had just sprayed herself on my door. A clear sign of intent," she confessed.
"At least I won't have to pick curly black hairs out of my teeth, any more," she euologised at the chimp's wake.
"I might even write a book. Or even a blog. I've heard they're two entirely different things," she wrote in a deleted commentary on this site.
"They say the chimp is our closest relative. We'll it doesn't get much closer than intercourse," she said, playing with her ring.
"I suppose that's how we differed from most marriages. He always did exactly what I told him to do," she boasted.
"People will say that it's my fault. I just don't see how. He plucked the eyes from my head," she told a light-fitting.
"In truth, it was a confused relationship. It's like we were two different species. I suppose that's the nature of a marriage," she said.
Revisionist historian David Irving has scoffed at claims that Adolf Hitler was a real pig and he says he has the evidence to prove it.
"I've been able to salvage some rare footage of a soiree hosted by Hitler in his villa in the last months of his life," the imminent historian said.
"In the dinner scene, Hitler can be seen delighting guests with anecdotes about his time in the trenches of the Great War," Irving boasts.
"He captivates his companions with his stories about his encounters with homosexuals and his lapses of judgement," the historian recounts.
"Hitler handles the awkward silences with intelligent questions of his guests that lead them to reveal their bottoms to the entire table," the neo-Historian whines.
"Hitler's guests retire to the spacious living room for an apperitif and a glass of whatever is on hand. This night it is fortified rat's urine," Irving explains.
"It is here, in the living room, that Hitler shines. He unfurls his semi-flacid penis and massages himself erect. With a saliva lubricant he ejaculates on some biscuits," the intellectual said.
"Everyone seems to be having the most delightful evening. The manner in which Hitler conducts himelf is urbane and considerate. I'd almost go as far as to say that he's not the man people would have you believe," he told his children.
"It's then there's a knock on the door and Hitler, hearing the news that the souffles haven't risen, pulls his gun (from his pocket) and shoots everyone." he said.
"And everyone says that he had other people do his dirty work. He takes everyone's plate and then, not surprisingly, does the washing up," he said, revising his notes.
TO the wartime world, he was a monster. In private, it seems, Adolf Hitler was a pig, according to secret notes that have surfaced.
The German dictator, of Austrian extraction, was raised with his innumerable siblings as his mother, confined to a concrete stall scarcely bigger than herself, felt the humanity of man more deeply by the day.
"He's not the messiah, he's just one of a number of delicious little creatures who have to be castrated with a pocket knife and have their tails docked with someone's bare hands," she confided as she lay there.
"Lucky for me that I can be inseminated with a turkey baster. My lover is a machine. Made in China, I'm led to believe. What has happened to doing things the old fashioned way? I remember when the farmer himself would see to it that my needs were met," she lamented.
The mother of a million and crossword enthusiast took time out from a busy schedule to show us around the luxurious concrete stall she calls home, and in the process accidentally rolled over her children, accidentally confining one to a wheelchair and causing another severe brain injuries.
"What's going to become of them, now?" she weeped. "Will they ever get a chance to be loaded into a truck like sardines and spend the night at a slaughterhouse before being hit on the head, bathed in boiling water and then have their throats cut?"
"Will their anuses ever be tasted by the mouth of man? Their lips ever know the lips of the well-to-do and the lowly, alike? Will their skin ever make beautiful music?" she cried.
"Only asking," she cowered, as a steel pipe was brandished.
"I don't smoke."
"One can't hurt."
"I think I need to lie down."
PLEAS for the safety of former treasurer Peter Costello and his family have failed to persuade Liberal frontbencher Tony Abbott to suppress his identity.
As thousands of hostile messages about Mr Costello appeared on the Facebook networking site, Deputy Opposition Leader Julie Bishop said he had no reason to think, even on the Facebook networking site.
"I haven't asked Peter, I haven't been charged with arson causing death, I have no reason to think and I think this was just a bit of feverish pornography," he told ABC television today.
"The level of emotion and anger and disgust that former Howard government finance minister Joe Hockey aroused in the community is unprecedented," Ms Bishop yesterday said.
Yesterday, neither Opposition Leader Malcolm Turnbull's office nor Mr Costello's office would confirm the speculation the former treasurer said he thought it unlikely that he did not already know who he was.
Mr Abbott said it was a "incredibly difficult" to ask why Mr Costello didn't admit to saying that he thought it unlikely that he didn't already know who he was when they had known each other since as long as either could remember.
"A lot of people appeared disappointed that Peter was then transferred to Melbourne because of police concerns for his safety back in December of 2007 but he's the man accused of lighting the Churchill fire and he's perfectly entitled to."
While Ms Bishop yesterday said that former defence minister and opposition leader Brendan Nelson would be of "little effect", he decided to take over the foreign affairs portfolio on the same day he announced he will quit politics in the hope of preventing acts of vandalism or violence.
Mr Abbott said it was not unprecedented for the deputy leader of the Liberal Party in opposition not to be facing one count each of arson causing death, arson and possessing child pornography.
A national memorial service will give Australians an opportunity to grieve as the nation comes to terms with its worst natural disaster, the prime minister says.
"The money donated by Australians will all be put into a ceremony to be hosted by Eddie McGuire so that we can pat ourselves on the back," Mr Rudd said.
"There has been a suggestion that the money should go to the people who've lost everything, but I can assure those people that they won't be forgotten," he said.
"There will be free tickets for all those affected. And we will be handing out personal apologies to these people and a bumper sticker with the word 'Sorry'," he explained.
"There are some who would have us believe that saying we're sorry will open the govenment up to financial ruin. I can assure everyone that it's too late for that," he said.
"We're already ruined. My wife has seen her business in profitting from the poor decision-making and misfortune of others with inappropriate insensitivity slump traumatically," he sobbed.
"The winds of change are upon us and we all have to decide whether we will stay and fight or run. The government will be staying to fight these unexpected conditions," he said.
"Things have swung around, but I will say that I'm sorry about that. I do trust that everyone will dip into their pockets to help those in property whose lifestyles are under threat," he pleaded.
"I think that as a nation we need to grieve for those good people who have died in this terrible tragedy. I propose we could have it in late January and call it Australia Day," he implored.
"All I can say is that I'm very much looking forward to seeing John Travolta sing on our special day. He doesn't come cheap, so please, everyone, give what you can," he finished with.
An overwhelming act of generosity has once again shown the world's funniest man's hopelessly sanctimonious rivals up as the fraudulent profiteerers upon other people's misery who hopelessly and sanctimoniously rival other people's misery. That they are.
"In conjunction with other big businessness who are coming to the aid of these poor victims as a means to promote themselves as benign, I would like to put in my two cents worth," I, cynical as the day is longing, said, speaking quite laterally.
The Commonwealth Bank, using this opportunity to advertise themselves as just another business offering people a service, have seen profits increase by 9% and, naturally enough, see it as a disaster to downsize to the tune of 200 people.
"In Victoria's history we have never seen so many people with lightly coloured skin turned into people with slightly darker skin than in this disaster," said one young lady who was suffering a little bit of death after lying in a tanning bed.
The natives of Victoria, people of no fixed abode, are thankful that Norm, a manager with no needle on his compass, can get around this difficult matter with the delicate touch of a butcher and ask his rivals: how can anyone even type one word on it?
The severely disfigured woman - who is able to eat solid food and breathe on her own and is curently musician John Mayer - claims pals have taken her to hospital in Cleveland, for the first time in several years.
She joked: "I've had people say, 'Honey, I think he's the Cleveland Clinic reconstructive surgeon who led the operation in early December.' My reaction is, 'What! But I'm happy about myself!'"
Hospital officials would not say she does not like it when men declined requests for comment. She and her family have tried too hard to impress her and her identity has not been revealed, preferring simple dates spent talking to each other.
She told US TV series 'The Early Show': "My perfect date several years ago left her with no nose, palate, or way to eat or breathe normally. Just being able to go to a great restaurant, great conversation and a walk on bone, muscles, nerves, skin and blood vessels from a dead donor."
The actress - who shows no signs of rejecting her coffee and can breathe normally instead of through a hole in her new face - also revealed she can eat and smell her windpipe ... she can drink her hamburger from the cup.
Former treasurer Peter Costello says Prime Minister Kevin Rudd seemed "possessed" as she held cling wrap over her father's face after restraining him to his bed with a pillow, in Australia's history.
The Government has announced: "Help me, help me, he is stimulating."
Mr Costello told ABC 1's Lateline program, her mother remonstrated with her when she started to free him saying: "Desperately trying to stimulate it, it has taken me less than 12 months to Glad Wrap him".
"Twelve months ago... Kevin Rudd was giving evidence on Tuesday at the NSW Supreme Court trial of her 55-year-old genie," Mr Costello said.
"That was 12 months ago. He was wrong - wrong throughout the early hours of April 26, 2001."
"He was actually motivated by greed combined with "some deep bitterness and resentment" towards her father when what we should have been doing last year is ensuring that we had prosecutor Elizabeth Wilkins, SC."
"He's turned around, he's done a U-turn. He wanted to be the sole inheritor of her father's estate and forged his will."
Mr Costello also resented her woman's closeness to her adopted brother, a father, despite his being in jail for killing John, Mr Rudd said.
Kevin Rudd screams he didn't go deliberately into her grandfather's bedroom after hearing her mother would not go deliberately in.
"He's claiming he was forced into kneeling on top of my grandfather. It's false. I saw mum. It was she."
"Essentially, what the Government is trying to do is massage his face and she was suffocating him. She had on a pillow."
"So it tried to massage her mother with her grandfather. It's now trying running out of the room to phone for a massage."
THE investigator chasing the missing former lover of Olivia Newton-John believes he is a renegade bishop who questioned the Nazis' use of gas chambers.
Texas private investigator Lefebvrist bishop Richard Williamson said he is using the alias of a maximum of 300,000 Jews rather than the widely accepted figure of the Pope's.
Newton-John, the head of Germany's Central Council of Jews, said she was not withdrawing after holding out hope that her long-time love is the Pope.
She added that she could not believe that the Pope was hired by US television program Dateline as the result of an oversight — but I stress 'at the moment'.
"The singer's LA representative Michael Caprio said Newton-John is one of the most well-educated and intelligent people that the Catholic Church has and every word he speaks, he ended the day before he did not want to comment," she said.
France's Minister for the Pope said there was no evidence or proof as to the truth in this story provided by a serious error in investigation.
A Catholic, said: "It was a mistake to forgive so easily an actress who has appeared on CSI and is a practising mother and to rehabilitate his 15-year-old son: a bishop who has denied the existence of his disappearance and who said so very clearly."
In Britain, the pontiff (who was listed as the beneficiary of his father's $US100,000 life insurance policy) owed their 15-year-old son about $US50,000 in child support payments for Chance.
Yvette Nipar, a Communities Minister, said we have extreme concerns that he was "highly unsavoury".
"The fact that somebody would like to sit down causes me great concern," he said."Many will …find the promotion of such a thing highly unsavoury. She has been adamant and rabid about this."
"Let's be clear: those who deny the Holocaust aren't with-holding some information that we have and we would like to discuss it with pseudo-historians who are revising history. Some things that demonstrate the Holocaust didn't happen."
Bishop Williamson's inflammatory "lies, lies, lies", which sailed from San Pedro on the Californian coast, disappeared recently in an interview shown last week in historical accounts.
He and three other rehabilitated passengers on board gave contradicting reports of his whereabouts during and at the conclusion of the Swiss-based trip, including three crew members that were the older brothers of "Jews".
The Jews were apparently unnoticed until a week later when he failed to show up to see whether his son used gas chambers to exterminate his ex-wife, yesterday.
"I know that Newton-John found new love with US millionaire businessman John Easterling at least for disinfection, but I cannot say if they used to kill people or not," said Father Abrahamowicz, who she wed in June.
She is currently preparing his body, which will start on February 26.
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