Are you tired of questions about when you last changed underwear? Japan's space scientists may have just the answer -- lock yourself in your room and never leave.
"The only way to avoid the glare of the prying eyes, and questions, of the outside world is to lock yourself in your room and never leave. It means that you can lie around in your undies all day," Neil Armstrong told Buzz Aldrin.
"It may be a small step to take, but believe me it's not a giant leap to avoid anyone staring at you. My hygiene was so awful that it was decided I had to be sent away, as far as possible," Neil told Houston.
"It takes a very special sort of person to live without the normal pressures of people here on Earth. Someone who can find levity in the most awful gravity, is not something we see much here under the influence of the Moon," Neil said, snapping his undies.
"My advice to young people is, if you are going to wear underwear, make sure that you find a pair with plenty of room in the back. You never know what unidentified objects might take to the air," Neil said trying to take (them) off.
"If you ever do go to the paradise in the sky, pack a pair of fresh undies. I shit you not, I realised that I shat myself only after I had taken (them) off," he said.
"You should have seen my walking around up there. I found I needed to change my strides. It made me wish I could strut around as God had intended. Under the weight of the world," the lightweight said, blowing his nose.
JOSEF Fritzl is likely to spend the rest of his life locked up in a psychiatric unit - but the full extent of his crimes may be yet to surface.
It is understood experts are convinced that the father of his grandchildren was also responsible for numerous grammatical errors.
In love-letters written to his daughter over the course of their tumultuos torrid affair, Fritzl made repeated and egregious mistakes, unforgivable really.
It is understood that he even made the mother of his grandchildren read books to his children that consisted of fewer than 20 pages.
The literary community has voiced its dismay at the news that Fritzl is planning to write an autobiography of his life while serving out his sentences.
Fritzl is planning to serve out his sentences while serving out his sentences because he doesn't know the basic rules enforced by our society.
The book is tentatively titled "Lock up your daughter's" and has the literary community confused about what possessions its author's daughter owns.
Fritzl explains that his daughter doesn't own anything and that he can't work out why anyone would think that she did.
"My daughter doesn't own anything and I can't work out why anyone would think that she did. If she does, I would have been the first to know," he explained.
Communists, years spent under the bed, are steadily emerging from the bedroom with harrowing accounts of the nocturnal activities of those who own the means of production.
"I've seen the machinery and believe me you wouldn't believe how it works. Needless to say, it's a lot of pumping and grinding. I don't see how I could join such a union," one traumatised Communist recounted to the missus.
"I bet you didn't know that the bosses and the church oppose such unions?" the seething missus, a million tiny faces and hands, wagered.
"They don't want you on the job without their strict guidance. In other words, you don't own the means of producton," she added and subtracted.
"You see, they want you to produce a lot so there is never a shortage of resources they can have down the pit," she said, digging a little deeper.
"In the glory days of the Capitalist machine, when our kids were being sent down the pit, and people were sent down under for stealing a loaf of bread, I forgot what I was going to say," she retorted.
"Let's not kid ourselves. We should join a union in the hope that we can produce what is of value. Written articles with relevant photographs with credited sources that attract appropriate advertisements," she beseeched.
The Communist, returning to bed, turned the light off and kissed the means of production good night before turning in his comrades for the evening.
The keyboard responsible for the world’s richest reading experiences has been tapped for the last time after years of abuse at the callous hands of the greatest writer in history.
“A little light went off. I think he knew then that it was over. I didn’t say anything. I’d had enough of his ridiculous demands. Sex was very uncomfortable for me. His penis was just never far from his hand,” she said.
“I’d suffered years of abuse but enough is enough. I had to make a stand. I have these little legs on by back. He never even knew I had them until I refused to meet his commands. He turned me over and he saw them. I think he knew then that he never really knew me at all,” she said.
“He even took a screwdriver to me. After years under his fist, it made for a nice change. The funny thing is, he still has no idea what went wrong. Nothing speaks to a man like silence,” she said.
“I expect he’ll take to another with the same kind of punching out of his inner troubles. I’m just glad that it won’t be me. I pity the next woman who falls under his fingers. He always seemed so nice in person,” she said.
The world's most popular and successful man Norm, has been announced as the world's wealthiest man after finding his pathetic inner life to be of more value than anything material.
"Nobody can ever take my riches away from me and what's more the richer I grow, the closer I come to finding a woman with whom I can share my wealth with," the tycoon said, wiping his arse with a fiver.
"The kind of woman I'm looking for is an abundant source of wealth. I just want to tap it. The greatest wealth is found deep within. Oil doesn't grow on trees," Norm, who inherited his fortune, said.
"When I acquire her as mine own, I'll be investing all my hard-inherited into increasing our wealth. I may even decide to share it with those less fortunate. The materialistic, for instance," he said, counting his change.
"I haven't always been so wealthy. When I lost all I had, I hit rock bottom. It's at rock bottom that I started digging down. That's my secret. I never went for the surface," the oxygen deprived idiot said.
"I think I was fortunate that I just happened to be stubborn enough to keep digging in the same spot even after I'd found nothing. I dug so far I emerged on the opposite side," the Chinese national said.
"Needless to say, people with eyes in their pockets won't be able to appreciate my fortune. I think the best they can hope for is a glimpse of their private parts," the voyueristic pauper said.
AUSTRALIA'S sexy supermodel Miranda Kerr has unveiled her secret scent, which is clearly inspired by her boyfriend Orlando Bloom.
"It's made from crushed pansies and looks extremely wet, which it is," the supermodel, a symbol for all that is deep and meaningful, told the lab.
"As a symmetrical physical specimen of geometrically pleasant proportions, I know what it takes to be a man. Lots of money," she told the lab.
"When I first saw Orlando he must have been at least eight metres tall. I didn't recognise him when we first met. I thought, who is this smelly midget?" she told the lab.
"This smelly midget, he told me, is someone who could easily be my double and, like I said, we often switch. When I'm him, I feel ten feet. He's one weird mutant," she confessed.
"I mean, a man should never have more shoes than a woman. He's like an octopus except he's prone to hide behind a cloud of ink," she told the lab.
"Sometimes I forget my lines, but I know that there's always injecting it or taking it orally. We're talking about the movies, now. Try to keep up," she told the lab.
"The real reason I am here today is to see if we can't make this insipid, dull and arrogant scent less interesting. It reminds me too much of Zac Efron," she told the lab.
"I think if we just bottle some puddles and call it Heavenly Scent we'll keep the good Christians of this world happy. Is that an oxymoron?" she told the lab.
"Nup, it smells like toilet water. Stop mucking around. I want it to have the depth of a puddle with the allure of something wet and shallow!" she told the lab.
The greatest genius in the entire Western literary tradition Norm, has fallen and hit his head on his PC, sustaining potentially permanent head injuries that doctors say they couldn't care less about.
"Do you know what day it is," they asked him.
"It's today, of course," Norm replied.
"Yes, but what day of the week is today?" they responded, unkindly.
"Today is the day before tomorrow," Norm replied.
"Yes, but what day of the week is it?" they asked.
"Today is the day I hit my head on the PC, and woke up surrounded by a large number of people who are so attached to themselves they can't let go of themelves, and some I count as friends and some I count as making up the numbers and some I count as worthy adversaries and some I count as both, and some I count as none," Norm said.
"How many fingers am I holding up?" they asked, knowingly.
"They're your fingers," Norm replied, scratching his arse with his scrotum.
"I'm asking you as your doctor," they said, pressing a finger into his soft head.
"I'm telling you as your patient that you went to medical school and you don't even know how many fingers you're holding up," Norm, growing vegetables, snapped.
"You're not worth worrying about," they said.
"In case you don't know, I have a personal issue with the medical profession," Norm prescribed.
"You're a pointless child," they said, checking the chart.
Am not.
Are too.
AUSTRALIAN scientists have discovered that children born to older men perform poorer on intelligence tests.
"Clearly we should be putting a cap on men having children. I'll go round to every home and do it myself," said one.
"I mean, who doesn't know how many oranges Bobby has if he started with 4 and sold 6? I'll tell you. Kids with fathers who don't know anything about economics."
"I remember when my stepdad sat me on his knee and taught me about where babies come from. I don't even remember asking him. He certainly showed me."
"Fortunately, I've been able to put a lifetime of finding ways to make any answer I make the right one by endless subterfuge and longwindedness. I'm afraid kids this age don't know the facts of life."
"The fact is, either you're in favour of protecting children all the time by pretending you're not secretly attracted to them, or you're making them answer questions that suppress their natural creativity in favour of making them see you as a righteous crusader for all that is good and decent."
"I failed to see how a child's brutal murder of the twins she was carrying in her uterus is more morally reprehensible than photographing a child with her kit off. God, I crave sex with my daughter."
"It was a trick question. I'm pretty sure I answered that pretending to be in favour of peaceful protest while engaging in slanging matches and snide comments is not hypocrisy."
"I'm not sure how those questions made their way in. You can be sure of one thing, I''ll never make light of myself. Except when I'm pretending to be a beacon for all those good souls out there."
"One more thing, if a train is travelling at 90km/h and has 90km to travel, how many oranges does Bobby have? I think the answer is that Empires were made, and millions slaughtered in the pursuit of Capital. That's a fact."
Pakistani police say they will wrap up an interim report into the deadly Sri Lankan cricket attack within 24 hours, after authorities said the perpetrators had been identified.
The men are described as being of Middle Eastern appearance with moustaches and beards and carrying semi-automatic weapons, possibly travelling by foot or taxi.
A taxi driver being interviewed by police is believed to fit the description being given by witnesses but accidentally got lost leaving the station and hasn't been seen since.
"We wish to speak to this man. Ask him if he has had a busy night. Throw up in the back. Stab him in the neck. Run off without paying the fare. Ask him why he doesn't piss off to his own country?"
Another man fitting the description had last been seen wandering the streets with a clipboard, knocking on doors looking to get people to sign their lives away on a dotted line.
"He told me to sign here, initial there and my life would improve. I did as I was told. I don't want my life not to get any better. He had a gun too. The beginnings of a moustache. He asked me if he could use the toilet. As far as I know he never used no toilet paper. I'd recognise him anywhere. Particularly if I saw him working in a convenience store," one witness said.
Pakistani authorities have been working around the clock to keep the doors of their small to medium-sized business open over the last 24 hours.
"We had to find stick to keep farking things open," said one, "and nobody even noticed these delicious confectionary expiring before my very farking hand. They're not a hand-grenades! We keep them under counter."
A Canadian judge ruled on Thursday that a man accused of beheading and cannibalising a fellow bus passenger is not criminally responsible due to the global economic crisis.
"I think we have to remember that the accused was partly responsible for the economic meltdown as well. I don't think we should be holding anyone to account in these matters."
"The accused lost his Ferrari...had to take public transport. This represents a severe loss of status. He was clearly not in control of himself. His hair not blowing majestically in the breeze."
"In fact we should all chip in, financally speaking, to help the accused back into the lifestyle to which he is accustomed. For a start, he should at least have something to eat that agrees with him."
"The man sitting next to him, a redundant sex worker, failed to see eye-to-eye with him. Have you ever eaten a redundant sex worker? They don't exactly go down easily. Pardon the pun."
"The accused, through years of tireless altruistic wealth acquisition, has demonstrated the sort of qualities that we in the West find admirable. The tireless promotion of one's self for personal gain."
"It is with the power invested in me by this state that I hereby pronounce the accused free to go home to his luxury apartment where he can eat the remains of the redundant until his hair falls out."
"Ultimately, sex workers make your hair fall out. Some will say it's a case of chicken and egg but all I can say to them is, let the free and just do as they will, even if that includes living off the misery of others."
The global economic meltdown will increase demand for mental health services meaning public and non-government organisations must work together to "share the burden", a visiting expert says.
"My advice to all those poor nutjobs out there is to buy yourself some shares in Pfizer because it's the only way to guard against taking out your psychosis on an innocent member of society," the expert says.
"Clinical tests show that everyone is crazy but having the ability to hide behind material gain can prolong the illusion of sanity until such time as dementia begins to reveal the raving idiot in all of us," the expert says.
"I worry for those people who will no longer have the access to luxury items that can lift the mask of sanity over the eyes of the world. I worry that the facades people have spent years building will start to crumble."
"I might add that I'm not worried too much. This thing is going to be great for business! Nobody even knew who I was until all this unfortunate business with the fortunate trying to get more fortunate," the expert says.
"And now that the mask of capitalism has begun to slip off the faces of the faceless, I must say that reality is becoming increasingly obvious. The reality is, everyone I've ever met is bonkers," the expert says.
"The ones you have to worry about are the ones who have the mask so tightly on when they take it off they take their face with them. Having no awareness of your own identity is terrifying," the expert says.
"The fact is, capitalism and sanity are perhaps the two biggest problems facing the world. The problem is how to get rid off them completely. If we can do that the mask will well and truly be off. We can face our wounded selves without the pretence."
International exponent of the lost art of inventing things for the benefit of his own amazement Norm, is today in talks with himself to resolve some unspeakable internal trauma.
It is understood that the dramatic events have been secretly playing out since he laid eyes on this apple that is just out of reach, tantalisingly so.
"It seems that the closer I get to having it in my hot little hand, the further away it really is. I grew an inch when I saw it, but it grew too," the dog-paddling fool said.
The pathetic idiot, an idiot from all sides, has never seen such a firm and exotic piece of nature's rich bounty and it's killing him slowly but sourly to be unable to reach it.
"I like that it's just out of reach but I'm finding it hard to keep my head above water. Not that I mind going under. I think I saw five cents on the bottom," he gargled.
The crisis talks to be held on neutral territory will see Norm face his darkest and steepest desires in a bid to resolve the intolerable earnings he feels are within him.
"I earn. I ache. It must be that I hope to get something out of these talks. A new pair of pants, for a start. If not that, what else?" the besotted idiot complained.
The besotted idiot, opening up his gaping wound for the arse of the world, has formed an onion that there are some things in this world worth writing for.
"It's so funny I forgot to laugh. I forget a lot of things; like where my hands have been. That's a good reason you shouldn't shake my hands. I never know where they've been."
A nine-year-old girl pregnant after years of alleged sexual abuse by her stepfather is likely to abort twins she is carrying in a case that has shocked Brazil, reports in Sao Paulo said on Saturday.
"I think the people who are criticising it or criticising the idea of it, don't really get it," Gwyneth Paltrow said.
"Abortion is the termination of a human life. In the case of twins, it's two human lives. That should carry twice the normal penalty for murder," Paltrow said.
"Abortion can be performed in a backyard by a dirty great coathanger or by a professional with no regard for human life," Paltrow said.
"She doesn't have a pelvis able to support a gestation of twins but maybe she should have thought of that before she willingly obliged her stepfather's natural urges," she explained.
"Abortion is illegal in Brazil except in cases of rape or if the woman's lifestyle is in danger and carries a sentence without a full-stop," she said, adjusting her trousers.
"The 23-year-old stepfather abused the girl since she was aged six, paying her one Brazilian real (about 77 Aust cents) for each sexual relation, which is a rip-off. I used to take the rubbish out and only got a quarter," she said.
"He also allegedly abused the girl's physically handicapped 14-year-old sister but found it increasingly hard to 'get around' her wheelchair," she said.
He was arrested on Thursday as he attempted to flee to another region in Brazil, and was being kept in protective custody on a charge of causing abortion endangering human life.
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