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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

Consumption Malfunction - May 2009

Pope Benedict can't understand why God chose him

May 31st 2009 00:45
POPE Benedict says he still has difficulty understanding why God had chosen him to lead the Catholic Church worldwide, recalling his isolated upbringing in a rural community of southern Germany.

"I'm like every other man out there," the Pope said, taking off his pants two legs at a time, "I realised what a wank wanking is," he said, having a wank.

"God, we all know that there's no such thing as God," an exasperated Pope said, fiddling with himself, "There is such a thing as this," he said producing his old fella.

"If you piled up all the things in the world, one on top of the other," the Pope said, "You still wouldn't touch God," he said touching himself, "There is no such thing."

God says he still has difficulty understanding why the Devil chose Pope Benedict to lead the Catholic Church worldwide, recalling his powerlessness to interfere with the Devil's work.

"God, I'm so sick of Christians," God said, talking to himself, "They think they know me," he said, showing signs of Alzheimer's, "They wouldn't know me from Adam."

"I'm sure they'd like to think that being literate is enough," God said, burning a pile of bibles, "But that's not how I roll," he said, playing Yahtzee with the other hand.

"God, I've got the whole world in my hands," God said, "That makes it pretty hard for me to have a wank," he said, calling on his children to help him with his load.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: People
   


Girl, 3, shoots 2yo brother dead

May 30th 2009 01:47
A three-year-old girl accidentally shot dead her two-year-old brother after the pair found a loaded handgun in their home in California, police said.

"The victim received multiple shots to the arm and bottom," CSI's Gilbert Grissom said, "The victim could only be identified by the name on his undies," he said, "To the family of Ralph Lauren we pass on our condolences."

"The victim had defecated in his pants," Dr. Grissom said, "Which means that he was probably scared to death," he said, "Unfortunately, somebody may have told him that people who poo their pants will get in big trouble."

"This crime is one of the worst I've seen," Grissom said, "At least the victim was immunised before he got incurable bullet wounds," he said, "The parents were not going to play Russian roulette with their lives. The gun was fully loaded."

"The killer is probably about 30 inches tall," Grissom said, "That means we're looking for Gary Coleman, again," he said, "To the family of Gary Coleman we say, 'Hand yourself over to the authorities', or we'll have to find the little bastard."

"The killer is out there," Grissom said, "I mean, what kind of person would shoot a two-year old boy?" he asked, "Shaking vigorously leaves less forensic evidence," he said, "Clearly, the killer has the mental function of a three-year old."

California finds gay parents, who can't hide their weapons for shit, very dangerous around the home, particularly if the children were to accidentally find them blowing each other to kingdom come.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Home & Garden
   


Chk-Chk Boom shooting witness Clare Werbeloff in YouTube dance remix

May 29th 2009 02:02
CLARE Werbeloff, the so-called “Chk-Chk Boom” woman who became an internet sensation after witnessing a shooting in Sydney’s King Cross red-light district, has inspired a YouTube dance remix.

It follows in the wake of other hit YouTube remixes of Werbeloff's other historically accurate first-hand accounts of wars between well-fed peoples of one nation and less well-fed peoples of the same nation.

Werbeloff, a protege of DJ John Pilger, has teamed up with Fatboy Slim and Nana Maskouri to cover the Butthole Surfer's classic "The American Civil War", to be released on Goebbel's Records to coincide with the fourth coming of John Farnham.

Butthole Surfer's classic "The American Civil War" features MC Abe Lincoln backed by Thomas Jefferson and The Constitution, and cost more American lives to produce than any other single hit, including such triumphs as JFK's "The Vietnam War".

Werbeloff, recounting her time with JFK's project The Vietnam War Explosion, later to be Tricky Dicky's outfit, told of one incident, she dubbed: "The Vietnam Execution", involving "these two gooks" which was actually General Nguyen Ngoc Loan killing Vietcong operative Nguyen Van Lem

"These two gooks were fighting," she said in typical stylee, "Then the yanks moved in and dropped acid," she said tripping, "Then all the green disappeared," she went on, "And it was backed by The Constitution," she said, backing up.

JFK, off his head on bullets, backed by The Constitution did nothing to stop The Mentality which saw to it Third World was impeded from throwing off the shackles of Mental Slavery, not to mention economic, for the purposes of a World Domination Tour.

"It's not a gross simplification," he said, backed by Big Money, "To say that performers like myself and Abe Lincoln would rather the vast masses in these places looking for national identity remain subject to the control of Big Money," he said.

Werbeloff, strangely silent on "The American Civil War", has sung the praises of Karl "The Jew" Marx and The Manifesto, because, in her interpretation of Abe Lincoln's classic covered by Slave Labour, there's more strength in The Union, backed by The Manifesto.



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Posted By: Norm - Category: True Stories
   


Racist, backward: Sol's parting shot

May 26th 2009 01:19
Controversial former Telstra chief Sol Trujillo has taken a swipe at Australia, describing the nation he called home for four years as racist, backward and like "stepping back in time".

"Living and working in Australia took like four years off my life," Trujillo said, eating a flat-bottom on ABC Radio, "All in all, it was like a very costly time of my life, okay?" he said.

The controversial former Telstra chief took this opportunity to thank the taxpayer for letting him use the can, after he ran out of credit and had to make a quick call to give his "two cents".

"You people like have a lot to learn," Trujillo mused, the line breaking up, "You know what I'm saying, grasshopper?" he said, jumping on all fours, "Grasshopper?," he asked.

Trujillo, a four-legged insect of some proportions, spent his second youth growing up smoking grass in the corn fields and slipping in and out of different states.

"This pot that I'm using is like the best shit I've ever had," he said, licking under the rim, "But like I don't think I'm in South America anymore," he said, lining his pockets with nuggets.

Trujillo, off to see Kevin Rudd, before needing to find a bucket, had to be paid out to the tune of "Insane in the Brain" after the line he was using snapped which left him holding an empty can.

"Are you trying to get like funny with me?" Trujillo asked, "Don't you know I'm local, essa?" he asked, making a big call, as he took another swipe at his ass, and moved right along.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Games
   


Vatican launches Facebook application

May 24th 2009 00:53
Pope Benedict XVI has entered the world of social networking sites and smartphones with a Vatican portal that includes Facebook and iPhone applications.

"What Kind Of Judgemental Bigot Are You?" asks users to answer a series of questions before being taken in for further questioning about a "very serious matter".

Pope Benedict XVI, played by Dustin Hoffman, has dubbed the move, which he orchestrated with Herbert von Karajan, with the voices of "the dead".

"Where Will You Be Spending Eternity?" asks users to believe in something that doesn't exist in order to go to a place that doesn't exist for a period of time that doesn't exist.

Pope Benedict XVI, who has racked up the friends since he updated his "Relationship Status" with God to "It's Complicated", has scoffed at suggestions God is made up.

"I don't need to be in a relationship with God to justify my existence," Pope Benedict XVI said, "God is just playing hard to get," he said, scratching his pater.

"What Kind Of Gay and Lesbian Pope With Kids Wearing Condoms In Favour Of Abortion Are You?" asks users to get on with the difficult business of leading a life without "preaching" to other people.

Pope Benedict XVI, addicted to Facebook, asks users that they refrain from sharing needles because, as he put it, "They don't make condoms that small."

"What Kind Of Repressed Homosapien Are You?" asks users to pick parasites off in order to strengthen the bonds that already exist, and is always at them to make their status known to the group.

Pope Benedict XVI has racked up the enemies since he had one specially built to accommodate those already spending an eternity in The Devil's Playground: MySpace.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


Man gets 24 yrs for girlfriend's murder

May 23rd 2009 00:13
A man sentenced to a minimum of 24 years in jail for murdering his pregnant girlfriend and hiding her body has been described as "cold-blooded" by a judge.

In sentencing the man to 24 years in jail, the judge said that he himself had thought about killing his girlfriend "numerous times" but had never actually gone through with it.

"I had met the man's girlfriend a couple of times," the judge said, "And all I could think about was how to get my hands around her throat," he said, holding a Whopper.

In sentencing, the judge ordered that the man, who he had described as "cold blooded", be placed in a cold dark place until such time as he had grown a new tail.

"These little monkeys only understand one thing," the judge said, "And that's sign language," he said, holding up a card and taking home the pot after another winning hand.

In sentencing, the judge ordered that the man, who had "no leg to stand on", be turned into a pair of "nice boots, or a zippy pair of pants for a nice young man".

"Your poor girlfriend," the judge said, "Only had a few dollars to her name, so you took it upon yourself to perform the abortion," he said, "For that, you will pay."



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Posted By: Norm - Category: Love
   


Forbes' Least Sexy List For 2009

May 22nd 2009 04:39
Forbes magazine has released, for the first time, a list of the 10 least sexy people on the planet, with a couple of surprises.

10. Wayne Swan
A hotdog seller in Afghanistan, Swan has a moustache that hangs down to his lip and a lip that hangs down to his hotdog. For the past eight years, he has seen business go from bad to worse as his appeal as a partner in "all things hotdog" has died in the arse.

9. Wilson Tuckey
A Scottish businessman with links to the Jewish community, Tuckey has the kind of head that wouldn't be out of place hanging around a dirty-washing basket. He has consistently demonstrated in the streets against the Palestinian occupation of Islamic extremist.

8. Christopher Pyne
Christopher has a haircut that, if you saw it in the street, would make your stomach turn, not to mention your car. He has the vocal characteristics of a kindergarten teacher with a sadistic craving for power over little people, like a clergyman.

7. Kevin Rudd
Kevin is known to look through your window when you're on the toilet, and likes to put his hand in your pants when he's not watching what you're doing. Voted as one of Australia's worst roots, Kevin has a handle on "the wife's best friend", who she's known since he was six.

6. Hugo Chavez
The Socialist dictator and oily businessman, Hugo Chavez will put you off intimate relations with short and ugly men with funny facial hair for a week. Without pants on his backside he has all the appeal of a butcher's rotten display window.

5-2 Human Nature
The boy band, a group incapable of moderate vocal stylings, have consistently, over a period of several days, displayed their availability as partners in a horrific sex-crime. For further information contact your dead relatives through a certifiable medium.

1. Norm
More lifeless in the sack than a litter of kittens at the bottom of a lake, Norm makes the ironing board look less wooden, ladies. Single, for the betterment of the species, he has his eye on a little lady who should run, in the opposite direction, really fast.



courtesy of Forbes Magazine
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Money
   


Muttiah Muralitharan Threatens Legal Action

May 20th 2009 02:00
Freedom of Speech campaigner, Muttiah Muralitharan has threatened court proceedings against his employer for allowing Freedom of Speech.

"If photograph emerge of myself in compromising position, I will pushing ahead with my legal action," Muralitharan said, as he chucked yet another wobbly one.

Muralitharan, campaigning for the rights of oppressed middle-aged Australian men everywhere, has thrown his weight behind the appeal to have the litigous-minded Darrel Hair reinstated.

"The purge of Darrel make me sick," the spinner told cronies, "It like what Stalin did to Dostoyevsky. Except Darrel really appeals to me," he went on.

Muralitharan, a self-confessed Catholic, has carried the can for Hair since the latter was excommunicated from his job, "entertaining people for ages", for calling his boss names.

"Okay, so Darrel call his boss a so-and-so," Muralitharan confessed to his father, "That make what he did justification in advance for his purge done by Stalinist oppressor," he explained.

Muralitharan, a tireless campaigner for the rights of children to have children, has been waging a nasty civil war with Communists from the comfort of his office chair for ages.

"If you think you can do better," Muralitharan threatened, "I'd like to see you dead in a ditch with all other Communist," he said, recounting the triumph of the Vietnam War.

Muralitharan, a staunch advocate of Gandhi, has branded his Capitalist comrades' defeat of Communism as a triumph of violence over violence.

"You look what happen to Neighbours," he explained, turning his attention to Indonesia, "We kill heap of Communist over there. And some them not even Communist!"

Muralitharan, a big spinner, is anticipated to come out swinging over allegations he threatened to try and stop Freedom of Speech by threatening to stop others speaking freely.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: People
   


Bad smell 'may motivate smokers to quit'

May 16th 2009 02:47
There's a stink that envelops a smoker on their return from a ciggie break, and they know it.

"I know it," a smoker said, growing angry after returning to work from a break, "I just hate my job so much."

Angry at having to return to work after a break, many smokers are putting off retirement by dying to look old.

"I'm dying to look cool," the angry smoker said, looking hot, "It's killing me," they said, puffing, and huffing.

Dying to look older is the single biggest cause of young people dying to look older, new reports reveal.

"It's so old to be young," the smoker said, blowing a ring, "It makes me go all wrinkly," they said, showing the effects.

Smoking, an ancient custom like believing in God, is a habit frowned upon by smoking hot females, like Joan of Arc.

"When a woman blows smoke in my face," the angry smoker said, "God, it adds to the build-up of tar in my lungs."

Women, more sexy when they are slowly depositing ooze in their lungs, are more attractive when they're dying for it, it is understood.

"When I see a woman with a dart in her mouth," the smoker said, "I always wish it was in her eye," they said, hurling abuse.




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Posted By: Norm - Category: Home & Garden
   


US chimp that mauled woman 'had Xanax'

May 14th 2009 02:15
A Connecticut prosecutor says test results show a chimpanzee that mauled a woman had the anti-anxiety drug Xanax in its system.

"It's not a perfect system," the prosecutor said, as the chimp stood trial for being stabbed in the back by its owner, "It can't take Xanax."

The chimp, named Travis, is on a radical diet that involves dying, has been seen to lose an amazing amount of his former vitality, and circulation.

"He used to be so full of life," Trav's owner told the prosecutor, "Now look at him. He just lies there, dead,' she cried, waving her banana in the air.

Travis' owner, Sandra Herold, is suing a woman he attacked, 90kg Stanford resident Charla Nash, for causing the death of her "husband", Travis.

"That's her, your honour. That's the woman who lost her hands, nose, lips and eyelids in the attack. I'd recognise her anywhere," Herold said, fingering an unidentified woman.

90kg Stanford resident Charla Nash, blind from the waist down, is accused by Herold of instigating the attack when she allegedly called into question the existence of God.

"Your honour," Herold told a picked jury, "She said that Travis wasn't one of God's creatures," Herold swore on the Bible, "He just went ape-shit."

Travis, a staunch believer that he's unrelated to other "more zealous primates", had grown very anxious as he learnt how to walk upright, like a human.

"He started to get the hang of it," Nash, lipless from the waist up, told the prosecutor, "Then one day he just snapped. It was like the Fonz," she said through a straw.

The court has yet to hear from the dead chimp, because his sole means of communicating with others is through signs, and violent attacks on women.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family
   


Peter Andre and wife call it quits

May 13th 2009 00:45
Australian pop singer Peter Andre has split from his glamour model wife-turned author Katie Price after nearly four years of marriage.

"In, reality, after all these years living in reality," Peter said, "I feel like a divorce was what I really needed," he said, divorcing himself from reality.

Peter Andre, a giant in wrestling circles, has asked his wife to give him some kind of sign, as he prepares for his new job after getting dumped.

"Give me some kind of sign, girl," Peter said, as he attempted to stop traffic with his outward appearance, "This traffic is not family-friendly," he lamented.

Peter Andre, a self-confessed narcissist and lollipop-lady, has faced the reality that his marriage is on the rocks after an affair with a bus.

"The reality is," Peter said, "I'm married to my work," he said, jumping in front of a bus, "An alternative reality is that the reality is, work is a reality."

Peter Andre, attempting to stop traffic, has signalled his basic misunderstanding of the work at hand by thinking the job is to stop traffic.

"This job is all about picking up," he said, missing the traffic to focus on the little people for a moment, "Virtually all reality is perception."
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Money
   


Pope's speech disappoints Muslim leaders

May 11th 2009 01:54
Pope Benedict XVI on Saturday urged inter-faith reconciliation on the second day of a tour of the holy land but disappointed Muslim clerics by failing to offer a new apology for remarks seen as targeting Islam.

Pope Benedict XVI is of the order of the Fonzarellian Monks of Happy Days - a sacred and ancient order of the Roman Catholic Church founded by Henry Winkler in 1974 BC - and a staunch opponent of anything that's not cool.

"Heyyyyyy," Pope Benedict XVI said, to a Muslim cleric, "I made a... I made a.... I made a m... a m-m-m... a m-m-m..." he spluttered, "I made a muslim angry," he said, giving a thumbs up.

Muslim Cleric Postie Weber, the butt of so many of Pope Benedict XVI's cruel jokes, has sided with Pinky Tuscadero, a lesbian and a communist, after both were condemned by the Fonzarelliist Pope for making "beautiful music together".

"Sit on it," The Pope ordered Pinky Tuscadero, after she had informed The Pope that she was unhappy with the way their relationship was developing, and needed to "talk" about the way The Pope had cooled towards her.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay," The Pope, said going through the English alphabet as he warmed up for a speech to the adoring masses, "Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," he confessed to Joanie Cunningham, as she wondered what to do with her life.

"You're such a C, Mr," terminal clown Ralph Malph informed The Pope, as the latter taunted Cleric Potsie as he bathed in the blood of the infidels, and called for a really good shake.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: True Stories
   


State needs pot debate: Schwarzenegger

May 9th 2009 00:57
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says it's time for a debate on whether to legalise marijuana, though he says he's not supporting the idea.

"I think the people of California are hungry for a debate," Schwarzenegger said, giggling, "I imagine that people will question why my hands are like so weird, man," the Governor said, tripping.

Marijuana, easily grown and harvested and smoked in the back yard, is illegal because it so easy to grow, harvest and smoke in the backyard, baby.

"People of California," Shwarzenegger said, "Let's like raid the fridge," he said, inciting hippies in to action, "Can we smoke all day and get nothing done?" he asked, "Like, yes, whatever, man."

Marijuana, the drug of choice for anyone unable to cope with today's like busy whatever and like so sweet smelling, is easy to lace with like other harder drugs, baby.

"It's time for a debate on marijuana," Shwarznegger's chief advisor Chong said, "I think the debate should be who is going to go the shop to buy food," he asked his aide, Cheech, still smirking.

Marijuana, a powerful waste of time, can make everything like so groovy baby and like make you feel all funny, as it heightens sensations and like takes the edge off your mind, baby.

"We don't want the kids to think marijuana is a party drug," bong-heads told Schwarzenegger, "If anything it can make you like withdrawn and weird," the hippie said, taking a hit to the brain from an abusive drunk.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


Gauguin 'cut off Van Gogh's ear'

May 6th 2009 01:03
HE IS known as the tortured artist who cut off his own ear as he struggled with mental illness after the breakdown of his friendship with a fellow artist.

"To me, he was a better artist than a photographer," Paul Gauguin said, carrying a candle for his wife, "But he was always shooting himself in the foot," Gauguin said, loading his fist, and speaking of Vincent van Gogh.

Gauguin, to anybody who knows nothing about painting, is a fellow artist of the tortured artist who cut off his own ear, and carries a candle for his wife, Frida Kahlo, as long as we both shall live.

"I remember when I accidentally cut off his head," Gauguin said, as he waited on his wife, "Somehow he lost his head," Gauguin said, "I saw it as a negative, but he had his head blown up anyway."

Gauguin, very taken by Frida Kahlo, has done the unspeakable with a paint brush by using the pigments of his imagination to represent his life with his wife, according to the Urine Artist.

"I think the whole thing was just a terrible accident," Gauguin's wife said, after Van Gogh lost his head, "I just hope I know how much my husband loves me," she said, as her husband waited on his wife.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: People
   


Sex book aimed at children - report

May 4th 2009 00:50
A book which explains how gay parents have children and includes in-depth descriptions of sex is being aimed at children as young as two.

"When a man and a man love each other very much," the book starts, "The man puts his penis in the man's anus, and nine months later," the book continues, "They come out."

The book which explains how straight parents have anal sex and includes in-depth descriptions of how to distinguish a man from a woman is aimed at distinguishing people.

"When a woman and a woman love each other very much," the book has it, "The woman puts her penis in the woman's anus and nine months later," the book continues, "They swap."

The book which explains how gay parents are allowed to stay out of jail and includes in-depth descriptions of willies and front-bottoms is being aimed at children who want children of their own.

"When a child and a child love each other very much," the book would have you believe, "The doctor takes the nurse's temperature and nine months later," the book goes on a bit, "The children are all grown up."

The book which retails at $9.95 is found in plastic sleeves from the aisle of all good newsagencies and in your father's sock drawer underneath your sister's vibrator, or dumped by the side of the road.


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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family
   


Family of slain Jewish man leaves Paris trial

May 2nd 2009 02:26
The family of a Jewish man tortured and killed in 2006 walked out of a tense Paris trial yesterday in anger over comments by the man accused of murdering him, the family's lawyer said.

"He's a troll," the family of the Jewish man said, after deleting the man's pro-Christian comments from a blog, "Build a bridge and get over yourself," the accused was ordered.

The accused man, believed to believe himself to have access to numerous perspectives on things that entitle him to status of 'martyr', has no great cause.

"Can you smell that, people?" the man accused of murdering a Jew asked the court, "Good," he said, as people turned away, "I think I just spilled my guts."

The family of the Jewish man, no less Jewish than the man himself, are rumoured to be discussing a possible movie deal with Mel Gibson.

"It's like what happened to Jesus all over again," the accused said, "Except this time, it's not going to be nice," he said, in make-up for his latest extravaganza.

The accused, a great entertainer in anyone's language but most particularly his own, has yet to entertain the possibility he might be wrong about everything and anything.

"Jews know nothing about entertaining," the accused said, dancing around the latest issue of Hustler, "I mean, they can't even entertain the idea that anti-Semitism is a joke."

The accused man, a great Christian in anyone's books but most particularly his own, is proudly brought to you by the Transsexual League of the Communist Party of South East Asia.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment
   


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