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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

Consumption Malfunction - June 2009

Perez Hilton: I Am The One And Only Norm

June 30th 2009 01:59
Perez Hilton has shocked middle-aged, middle-managers and crack-licking, double-dealing dopes with the shocking news that he is a finger-licking arsehole and closet-opener.

"It was me all along," he said, sniffing a pinky. "I just have one question for you," he told a chick with a mouth like you wouldn't believe. "How do you feel about holes in the head?"

The chick in question, so full of herself she's overflowing, seemed at a loss to answer what she called "the poofter's poser", but did promise not to shoot off her big mouth again.

"I have a mouth like you wouldn't believe," she told a disbelieving Hilton. "I just have one question for you," she said, playing with his vibrator. "How do you get this thing to work?"

Hilton, a card-carrying, door-to-door sex-aid salesman, needn't have answered the question for reasons that are obvious to anybody with a knowledge of the business at hand.

"I have to get this thing to work," Hilton said, carrying a case of the things. "If I came to your door," he explained, going around the back, "you'd find me with my hand on the buzzer."

The chick in question, a self-satisfied customer, was nursing a hole for a mouth after she accidentally shot it off, forcing her to open up an account of the accident with her lawyer.

"My client is innocent," the chick's mouthpiece told the judge. "She is a victim of this bloody dildo," he said, wobbling his head in circles. "She shot her mouth off in self-defence."

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Posted By: Norm - Category: People
   


Bible's Original Odd Couple Raise Questionable Child

June 28th 2009 02:09
Adam and Eve, the god-fearing couple of weak minds and weaker flesh, having succumbed to temptation, have told of the hell they endured raising a butchering bastard.

"I always knew he was rotten," Eve said, munching on an apple. "I tried the best I could," she said, "but when God adopted that less than gay stance with him, he was furious."

God, usually so gay about everything, was less than gay when he told Cain, straight up, that he preferred the lips and anus that the butchering brother Abel was able to "present."

"I, in my everlasting magnificence," God said, "decided that, instead of threatening Cain with legal proceedings, for breaking the law," he explained, "I would blame the parents."

Cain, unable to be held responsible for his reprehensible aggression, jealousy and malice, was instead granted, by the ever-loving father who art, a mark of his respect.

"It's killing my brother what my parents have made me do," Cain remarked, digging his own grave. "I can't speak for my brother," he explained, "but God, I wish I was dead."

Abel, the deceased brother of Cain, raised to butcher animals, failed to see the irony of his untimely demise but did offer God, the ever-lasting, praise of his pathological parents.

"They did the best they could," he explained, "to make every mistake in the book possible," he groaned, as dead as dead can be. "At least they're not a couple of the same sex."
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family
   


Michael Jackson Alive and Well

June 25th 2009 23:30
Pop-icon, Mikhail Jackson has been found alive and well living in the Soviet enclave of Australia after defecting to the other side because of a legal wrangle over his wife.

"Report of my demise have been greatly exaggerate," Mikhail Jackson, barely able to conceal his true intentions of dismantling churches and infiltrating public forums, said.

"Agent Farrah Fawcett and I," he said, speaking for the first time about his move to the other side, "have decide to openly declare our love," he said, "for making up please."

Pop-icon, Farrah Fawcett had, before she made her move to the other side, a special message for all pro-life activists with secret agendas to infiltrate public forums.

"You have to be dead stupid," she said, hitting the bottle pretty hard, "to think that you not doing my baby favour," she said, clutching her baby, "by not ripping his latest creation."

"We think," Jackson said, "that capitalist bloc is joke," he said, cracking up, "and," he said, dying to speak, "that we make comeback," he said, expressing his desire to return.

"I coming back as big black man with big soulful voice," he said, humming on a few bars of Mars, "because black is make comeback," he said, infiltrating a 7-Eleven with a mask.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


Thirty-year-old woman still growing

June 24th 2009 05:54
The Three Stooges
The diagnosis was made by Chairman Moe (seen here transplanting the hair of Larry into the larynx of Curly)

A woman in the US is suffering from an incurable growth syndrome that makes her body grow at an incredibly fast rate.

"Either she getting bigger," Moe said, slipping on his banana, "or I'm smaller getting," the chronic sufferer of LMS (Little Man Syndrome) said.

He said when Aboriginal people are lying on a dark road surface, wearing dark clothes, they are extremely hard to see.

"They just habit have a of blending in," he said, mixing himself up with an important person. "Is that racist?" he asked, running over things and not stopping to check.

Several doctors testified she suffered the most severe case of malnutrition they had ever seen, with one expert saying the child's head resembled a skull wrapped in skin.

"I'm no doctor," Moe said, testing everyone's patients, "but I certainly think woman this is... getting too big for her boots," he said, fitting her into a larger pair. "How does that feel?" he asked, touching her toes.

The Three Stooges were an American vaudeville and comedy act of the early to mid–20th century best known for their numerous short subject films.

"That's much better isn't it?" Moe asked, as she wrapped her feet around his face. "It's definitely you," he said, comparing her to her reflection in the mirror.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: True Stories
   


Chris Brown Gets Probation, Community Service in Rihanna Assault

June 23rd 2009 02:20
With Rihanna set to break her silence in her assault case, Chris Brown reached a plea agreement that spared him jail time, it was announced Monday.

"We have an announcement to make," he said, breaking her silence. "It's not nearly as bad as being knocked up," he said, tying her up.

The actor tells Barbara Walters they will finally tie the knot once Fawcett is able.

"I'm telling you Barb," he said, "Can I call you Barb?", he asked. "I'm telling you, Barb," he said. "Don't push me, Barb."

He's now telling colleagues and friends that his new love of four months - a Sydney architect named "Julian" - has taught him how to appreciate life away from work.

"I'm telling you," he told colleagues and friends, "I'm going to work my new love over," he said, clenching his buttocks. "She's going to get such a punching," Brown said.

The incident shocked the music world and left Rihanna nursing cuts and bruises to her face, forcing her to cancel a scheduled performance at the Grammys in Los Angeles later that day.

"I just couldn't perform at the Grammys in Los Angeles looking like that," she said, picking out a new look. "Michael Jackson's face nearly fell to the floor when he saw me," she said. "He was going in the same one," she said, nursing her broken silence.

RMIT criminologist Assoc Prof Julian Bondy said the figures were evidence society was seeing violence as a norm.

"What's tickle without slap?" he asked, slapping his knee. "I'll tell you," he said, tickling your ribs. "Don't make me laugh."

He pleaded guilty to conspiracy, fraud and money laundering in the federal court in Detroit.

"How did it ever come to this?" he pleaded with the court. "I never hit her up for no money," he said. "I did it for nothing."


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Posted By: Norm - Category: True Stories
   


Traditional bike seats 'a health risk'

June 22nd 2009 01:34
Your groin is not designed to carry your weight, say experts concerned by the shape of many traditional bike seats.

"Your groin is not designed to carry your weight," experts said, euphemistically speaking. "It's designed to carry the weight of your genitals," the experts said.

The incidents have deeply upset Winfrey, herself a childhood victim of rape who has been outspoken about sexual abuse of women and children.

"The incidence of groins with genitals far outweighs those without," she said, having a scratch. "We will wipe out all those arseholes," she said, suddenly. "It's unhygenic."

The death of Marcia Powell, a 48 year-old prostitute serving a 27-month sentence, has been met with outrage with activists describing the conditions at the prison as "medieval and barbaric."

"She was part of a tradition that stretches back," she said, stretching back the passenger seat of a stranger's vehicle. "It stretches back a long way," she said, the blood rushing to her money-maker.

Her love of modern art meant she mingled with some of the 20th century's most famous artists.

"Art took a back seat to love," she said, recalling a fling with Arthur Miller. "It was uncomfortable up the front," she said, pulling away.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


MySpace prepares for massive layoffs: report

June 17th 2009 03:53
News Corp's MySpace refused to comment on Thursday on a report the previous day that said the online social network will fire a "massive" number of employees.

"We have seen a record number of our people update their status," News Corp's MySpace said on Friday, "to not working," MySpace said, sensing a rapid swing in mood towards a "depression."

Which is why the people at Kraft Foods took the advice of more than 300,000 Australians before they meddled with Vegemite.

"We've taken on board what our friends at MySpace have told us," the people at Kraft Foods said, sailing off into the horizon. "They told us that they're fed up with the same old shit," they said.

The 'Pirates of the Caribbean' actor admits he wasn't ready to settle down when he wed make-up artist Lori Anne Allison in 1983 and is pleased they never started a family.

"As I told friends," he said, "I think I really dodged a bullet," he said, breeding profusely from a wound. "It's going to take me a while to get over this," he said, looking at a valley of Vegemite.

A Melbourne academic says shutting down Facebook hate groups is not the way to combat "rising levels of intolerance" in Australia.

"Hate is a symptom of some underlying disease," he said, hitting the books. "You can't spell it without having eaten," he said, pointing to the professor's underlying uneasiness.

IN 29 years of enforcing sewage laws in Pennsylvania, Jack Crislip has never faced violators quite like the members of the ultra-conservative Swartzentruber Amish sect.

"At some point this shit has to stop," Captain Jack said, showered in shit. "It's getting to the point where it's getting right up my nose," he said, blowing his brains out his nose.

The result of those consultations, and nine months of tinkering with ingredients, is the first variation in 85 years on an astonishingly successful theme.


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Posted By: Norm - Category: Games
   


Gaddafi raises ire by comparing US to al-Qaeda

June 14th 2009 01:59
LIBYAN leader Muammar Gaddafi has likened the US to al-Qaeda during a landmark visit to his country's former colonial master, Italy.

"It was only a joke," Gaddafi said, plotting some unspeakable act of "Terror". "Dialogue is the only thing that will end this dumb show," the Tony award-winning director of "Terror" said.

Recalling the 1986 US bombing of Libya that killed dozens of people including his adopted daughter, Mr Gaddafi asked: "What's the difference between the US attack on our homes and the terrorist actions of al-Qaeda?"

"The difference is," Gaddafi said, delivering the killer punchline, "the US attack on our homes wasn't an unspeakable act of Terror," he said, scrambling to add some dialogue to his latest Broadway smash, "The Death of a Saleswoman".

Women in the Arab and Muslim world are treated like "furniture" and the situation requires a "feminine revolution", Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi said on Friday, ANSA news agency said.

"I'm going to start by decorating the walls," he said, calling for alterations on Facebook to The Whitehouse, the Mecca of the Muslim world, "with their brains," he said, reciting an act of "Terror", which he adapted from the original, "Colonialism".

Facebook has done away with a Muslim-pashing group that had been set up at the popular social networking service.

"I applaud the move," Gaddafi said, crapping his hands. "The French," the director of "Terror" said of the directors of the farce "Liberty", "have done so much to rob us of our own tongues," he said, hitting the roof with his own.


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Posted By: Norm - Category: Money
   


Tracy Grimshaw offered $50,000 to pose for Zoo Weekly

June 12th 2009 04:48
TRACY Grimshaw has been offered $50,000 to step out from behind her A Current Affair desk and peel off for a men's magazine.

"I don't get out of bed for less than $100,000," Grimshaw said, peeling herself out of bed. "Bugger me," she exclaimed. "You know I want it," she told an HIV-positive sodomite.

However it is now clear the virus is spreading among communities outside the Americas, where it was first detected in April, and the world must guard against complacency.

"I'm positive," the sodomite told communities outside the Americas. "I've seen what Grimshaw is wearing uder the desk," she said, immune from prosecution. "It's pretty grim, sure," she said, taking a stand.

An American accused in the 2007 killing of a British student in Italy is expected to defend herself from charges of murder and sexual assault when she takes the stand today.

"I think from memory," the accused said. "I saw Grimshaw getting chopped up," the accused said, breaking down a sentence. "I don't know how anyone could have survived that," she said, recounting her experience.

He said the man was armed and had been involved in a violent altercation after being released or absconding from Townsville Hospital where he had been admitted for a mental health assessment.

"He's a woman?" she asked the jury. "All I know is Grimshaw was crazy in bed," she said, peeling off a scab. "She thought she was Jesus," she said. "Jesus, after that I could no longer believe in her," she said, pushing a bicycle.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Money
   


Trump to Miss California: You're fired

June 11th 2009 03:29
A DISGRUNTLED ex-lover tied up his former girlfriend before raping her with a large sex toy "to scare her into locking her doors at night", the Supreme Court has heard.

"How does the defendant plead," the judge asked of his former girlfriend. "Like this, your honour," the disgruntled ex-lover, begging and sobbing, said.

The saga took a sensational twist when Ramsay's mum Helen Cosgrove said she had not spoken to the celebrity chef since the weekend.

"After what he's done," the disgruntled ex-lover's mum said, "I don't think I could speak to him," she said, grasping for air. "He had my head taped."

Yesterday Ramsay claimed it took a "bollocking" from his mother in Britain early yesterday to force him to deliver an unreserved apology to the A Current Affair host.

"She strapped her plastic genitals on," the disgruntled ex-lover told the court, "I knew I was going to get it," he said, tickling his keys. "There was no need to tie me up," the dirty old man told investigators. "I already taped the whole thing."

A federal law enforcement official said investigators had identified James W. von Brunn, 88, as the potential suspect and linked him to a website that expresses anti-government and anti-Jewish sentiments.

"We have identified the woman's old boyfriend," a federal law enforcement official said. "He's going away for a long time," he said, flicking through holiday brochures. "Our research tells us Australia is nice."

SMASHING the old notion that gentlemen prefer blondes, US researchers have determined Britain's bed-hopping super spy James Bond likes his ladies with dark hair.

"I have a thing for dandruff," the disgruntled ex-spy said. "Garnier Anti-Dandruff Shampoo," he said, toying with the jury, "Because you're worth it," he said, closing the door on the case.



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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment
   


Grimshaw fires back at 'arrogant narcissist' Ramsay

June 10th 2009 00:21
TV host Tracy Grimshaw is not holding her breath for an apology from Gordon Ramsay despite being publicly denigrated by the celebrity chef.

"I'm not holding my breath for an apology," Grimshaw said, "I'm doing it for the victims of sexual abuse," she said, sucking in the big ones.

The 72-year-old actor who shot to fame in 1970s TV series Kung Fu was found dead in a hotel in Bangkok last Thursday.

"I know I don't look like a 72-year-old actor," Grimshaw pleaded to viewers, "but that's what being starved of oxygen can do when you've seen it all."

The woman agreed that while on a "cocktail" of prescription drugs she managed to cook, clean and shop for groceries and manage a household budget, but she did not recognise signs her daughter was gravely ill.

"I make a mean Shirley Temple," Grimshaw said, planning a brief trip. "On the good ship, lollipop," she explained, "it's a short trip to the candy shop," she went on, as Gordon Ramsay attempted a belated apology only to find his microphone wasn't working.

GORDON Ramsay's comments about Tracy Grimshaw were "off" and represented a new form of low life, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd says.

"I was working the boards at the time," Rudd told viewers, skipping the light fantastic, "I forgot that you needed to turn him on before shooting."

Relatives of the Kill Bill star believe he was "assassinated" because he was trying to expose an underworld marital arts group.

"I bet you didn't know I was in Kill Bill," Ramsay said, "I was one of those trying to expose the marital art of fidelity," he said. "I know karate," he said, smacking his chops.

The six-minute video showed the girl performing oral sex on the man on the upper deck of a bus as it rides across Hong Kong island with a few other passengers on board.

"Now you know why I was holding my breath," Grimshaw, the star of Kill Bill said, "I hate that smell you get on the bus," she told voyuers, holding her nose.

FOUL-mouthed British chef Gordon Ramsay denies he called A Current Affair host Tracy Grimshaw a lesbian before criticising the TV presenter for "attacking his wife."

"I called her a poofter," Ramsay said, "I had no idea she was a woman," he explained, validating the tickets he has on himself. "I'm very sorry," he said, giving himself a much-needed facial.

He was naked and had a rope tied around his neck, wrists and genitals.




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Posted By: Norm - Category: True Stories
   


Beyond abaya, mod Baghdad takes shape

June 7th 2009 23:54
THE young women of Baghdad acknowledge there are more serious concerns in Iraq these days than hair, clothes and makeup.

"Shoes," Miss Iraq said, gearing up for her role as a diplomat at the Miss Universe extravaganza in the Bahamas in August, "These shoes rule!" she said, sinking in the slipper.

Iraqi Muntazer al-Zaidi, 30, was convicted by a Baghdad court on March 12 of attempting to assault Bush during his farewell visit to the Iraqi capital in December.

"These shoes suck," she said, throwing one at the judges, "These shoes suck," she said, brushing up on her diplomacy skills, "These shoes suck!" she said, reviewing another pair, that Miss Australia wore in the mouth.

UNLIKE Miss California Carrie Prejean, who fuelled international furore after publicly opposing gay marriage, our Miss Australia is a diplomat.

"I hate those Iraqi poofters," Miss Australia Rachel Finch said, "They're so divided by religion," she said, "The men take it up the arse," she said, chewing on the Muslim contestant's thong.

A Muslim and a native Emirati, she wears a full-length black niqab, with only her brown eyes showing through narrow slits, and sprinkles her conversation with quotes from the Koran.

"Where I'm from," she told the judges, "The men are so divided," she explained, "They can only practice the marital arts on each other," she said, "That means marriage is a pain in the arse," she said, throwing on a pair of thongs.

DELTA Goodrem put her best foot forward in the name of charity yesterday, lining up to complete the last leg of The Nuns' Run.

"Nuns have really hairy ones," the Muslim contestant said, banging out a number, "I've seen primates with less," she said, brushing up on her mo.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Fashion
   


Mum, this soup's a bit rubbery

June 6th 2009 02:16
Consumers are being advised not to eat a certain batch of Campbell's soup, which is being recalled after pieces of rubber were found in some cans.

"We're advising consumers not to eat a certain batch of our soup," a Campbell's spokesperson said through a straw, "We're just trying to recall the one."

Campbell's Country Label Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy is being recalled by some mums as the cause of a funny taste being left in the mouths of kids.

"I seem to recall that the kids had said that it tasted funny," one mum said, sitting on the can, "I just put it down to the turpentine I was mixing in."

The soup in question, now with bits of rubber, is believed to have been labelled by experts, "In case of ingestion induce vomitting. Now with added reason."

"Mum, this soup's a bit rubbery," one little kid said, getting spooned by mum, "It tastes funny like dad's sausage," they said, fumbling around in the dark.

Kellogg's Coco Pops, the result of a marriage between a white and a black man, is being recalled as being advertised as containing the party drug sugar.

"Sugar," Coco Pops told their baby, "You need some of Coco Pops' sweet, sweet sugar, baby," they said, lacing a box with bits of a chewed-up rubber.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Food
   


Erotic 'daggering' dance craze causing bodily harm

June 4th 2009 02:28
AN erotic dance craze is thought to be the cause of a recent spate of broken penises in Jamaica, and now faces a government crackdown.

"Yeah, mon!" one government official said, "I and I don't think it's irie, but it take two to tango," she said, cracking down hard on a broken penis.

"Daggering", made famous by broken penis-wielders behind Boris Yeltsin, has the intoxicating charm of a broken-down drunk high on power.

"Let us have waltz down memory avenue," Yeltsin said, returning to the political stage, "Watch me bust a move," he said, busting an already broken one.

Yeltsin, a broken man after "Daggering", had taken steps to increase his flexibilty for partners after the "Iron Curtain" was famously pulled by Russia's neighbours.

"I and I really need a drink," Yeltsin said, pulling the "Iron Curtain", a step made famous by Mikhail Gorbachev, "I and I going to be laid up for a week."

Gorbachev, leading the way for right-wing nancy Ronald Reagan, had famously "snapped one off" in leading lady Margaret Thatcher's dry arsehole.

"Nancy and I," Thatcher said, speaking of her right-sided arsehole Reagan, "Have made some daring moves," she said, "Glasnost is not one."

Reagan, an arsehole in the pocket of the highest bidder, had famously cracked a "Spaz", a move made famous by retards on the side of the right.

"I think," Gorbachev said, getting down, "Openness and transparency could be huge in the West," he said, making a move he had dubbed "Glasnost".

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Games
   


Michael Jackson fears nose will fall off

June 3rd 2009 01:48
MICHAEL Jackson is allegedly in constant fear of dying and is terrified his nose will fall off.

"I don't know what scares me more," he said, "Marx or Mohammed," he said, clutching his nose.

Michael Jackson, alone in his fear, has, talking to the man in the mirror, faced his fears for the last time.

"For the last time," he said, "I want to be a real boy," he said, catching a whiff of a Marxist Muslim's BO.

The Marxist Muslim, Barack Obama, is the anti-Christ, according to Michael's latest killer single.

"hctib, nerdlihc ruoy tae ot gniog m'I" is Michael's latest offering due for release in time for Halloween.

"I can't say much," Michael said, "Let's just say that I'm going to cut you a new one," he said, pulling his mask on.

The killer song has already reached No.1 on the Iranian Billboards alongside pictures of Ayatollah Khomeini.

Ayatollah Barack Obama, washing religiously every day, has a nasty problem with a personal hygiene issue.

"Is the waiter a Muslim?" he asked of his host-body, before saying he was going to have your children.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Food
   


Sex workers to protest ad cost 'rip-off'

June 2nd 2009 02:30
Sex workers angry about the cost of advertising in local papers will mark International Whores Day on Tuesday by protesting outside NSW Parliament House.

"We want TAFE accreditation too," a whore said, "We want recognition for our set," another said of their skills, finishing off the other's sentence, which is extra, extra.

International Whores Day, celebrated with the trampling of frustrated men at the hands of rampaging whores, is likened to The Running of the Bulls.

"This year it will be different," a whore said, "I hope to get off the gear and get out of my abusive relationship and see my daughter," she said, giving it to a man.

International Whores Day, celebrating the oldest trade known to man, is the brainchild of a bunch of whores who are generally thought to be "fucked in the head".

"We want what everybody wants," a whore said, "We want to be free," she said, handcuffed for the want of freedom, her brains being beaten in by some poor fucker.

International Whores Day will this year celebrate the oldest trade known to man with the exchange of labour, in the form of money, for services rendered.

"Look," one tradesperson said, "I can give you a quote, but you won't like it," the whore said, "Let's hurry up and get this over with," she said, quoting an unnamed source.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Games
   


Man chops off his penis

June 1st 2009 00:50
A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported on Sunday.

"I'm in love," the man screamed, waving his penis in the air, "Now," he said, chopping it off, "If I can't be with the one I love, then I will give it to my best mate," he said, giving it to a close friend, "It's wrong to disobey one's parents," he said, "They never said I couldn't cut myself off."

The man's close friend, a eunuch, is happy to take whatever the man can throw his way because, as he knows, Jesus stated: "For there are some eunuchs which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it."

"I'm very happy to be on the receiving end of my best mate's gracious penis," the close friend said, "I know what it feels like to long for one you love," he said, holding his best mate's penis between his teeth while he zipped up his fly, "Not since my balls drop though," he said, stretching a rubber band.

The man, healthier for cutting a part of himself off from the rest, and his close friend the eunuch, a self-made man with the balls of a woman, have both thrown their support behind the routine psychology which has men cut parts of themselves off from the rest in a bid to be close to Jesus.

"It's against my religion to be in love," the man said, pissing a shit-load of blood, "Cutting off bits of my penis, on the other hand..." he said, clutching the knife, "Cutting off my penis is part of becoming a man," he told his best mate the eunuch, "Jesus was just a man," he said, scratching his balls.




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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


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