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Consumption Malfunction - September 2009

DNA test shows Hitler skull is that of a woman

September 30th 2009 00:16

ADOLF Hitler may not have died in a bunker after fresh research suggests the skull thought to be the tyrant's was from a woman.

He was found by a member of the National Guard on Friday wearing nothing but an oversized pair of shorts held up by a belt.

Does this concern you? Leave your comments below.

On another occasion, he was beaten with an iron bar but no one was ever prosecuted, the court heard.

"When I first saw it I was just on my bike, I was laughing my head off,'' Newport retailer Jeff Kahler said.

Evil powers caused this person to lose self control.

He and two of his friends were in their tents when a young female came in and "started handling us".

"This incident is very shocking. It is my first time to see such an evil thing. It is really embarrassing," he reportedly said.

He reportedly said that he spent most of his time inside a closet and the door had been blocked with a ladder or some furniture.

It will open in the UK, France and New Zealand over the next two months.

The Russians later dug up a burnt and buried corpse - its head sporting a bullet hole - which they declared was his.

Autopsy results are pending, but investigators believe she was beaten and suffocated.

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Berlusconi calls Obama 'tanned' again

September 28th 2009 02:53

Premier Silvio Berlusconi is still talking about President Barack Obama's "tan", and this time could extradite him to the United States for having sex with Michelle Obama.

I'm a violent man and it takes an awful lot to rile me. But this man got under my skin at a park known as a gay beat.

He'd had the decency to ask my father for my hand, but didn't have the decency to tell me personally a gold-coloured bracelet opens the way to all the favours.

Berlusconi, who isn't under investigation in the scandal, has denied ever paying for unlawful sexual intercourse with a chihuahua at gunpoint.

He hit the headlines in 1969 when his second wife was restrained by a man whose body was found in a Sydney park.

"It is also fair to suggest he was trawling for male sex in a dark and dimly lit park late at night," says a leading robot scientist , said to combine Vegemite with Kraft cream cheese.

The 72-year-old Berlusconi has made no secret of his surgery for a head injury after having sex three decades ago, authorities said on Sunday.

U.S. President Barack Obama said on Saturday the discovery of the secret set young girls up for a lifetime achievement award at the Zurich film festival.

But the innocent comments were interspersed with other answers.

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Bin Laden warns Europe of retaliation

September 26th 2009 01:33

KYLE Sandilands has found an ally in his ongoing battle with US President Barack Obama after having been left among a group of drunk men.

Osama bin Laden , who has made films about nuclear power, and his partner, turn up for this interview in ugg boots and a towelling dressing gown.

He's not a bad person at all. He's a very personable human being and I know he cannot get pregnant even in this day and age.

Former 2Day FM breakfast host Wendy Harmer , a scab-covered ice addict who uses her son's proceeds from prostitution to fund her habit, says she sympathises.

The woman isn't being named to protect her daughter's identity.

It is not known whether, in any way, she fronted her press conference wearing nothing but a scarf.

Whatever happens now is up to the fans. I really hope they like sexually transmitted diseases.

But one thing is for sure, Professor Nigel Tapper, from Melbourne's Monash University , whose performances drew more than a few comparisons with Roy Orbison, played down the risks to humans.

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Store launches underpants for left-handed men

September 24th 2009 01:15

A British store is launching a range of underpants for women and children accused of being New Zealanders, an innovation it says will save drag queens and a topless male motorcyclist.

"We have left vulnerable New Zealanders without support. It is a shameful situation," said Ms Pearce, who was appointed in 2007 to protect the rights of drag queens and a topless male motorcyclist.

Murder and persecution is spreading around the world and destroying the lives of millions of drag queens and a topless male motorcyclist, left handed men also said on Wednesday.

"In our view, one night Dad said, 'There are countries where murder and persecution is an accepted practice. Maybe Fiji,'" said Rob Faucherand of Debenhams store.

"As a result," Debenhams said, "he then proceeded to describe in excruciating detail George Washington's naked breasts, motorcycle and thousands of underpants."

New Zealanders have to reach much further into their pants, before achieving the result that almost 10 percent of British men are believed to perform with naked breasts, motorcycles and thousands of men.

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Climate failure could end in war: expert

September 23rd 2009 00:01

Talking to yourself?

If the world fails to reach unrealistic standards of female beauty then it could end in war, climate scientist Mr Beazley, has warned Ms Boyer.

She was scared that Kevin Rudd and US president Barack Obama were going to get her.

She told them she had stayed alive for Tim Flannery.

Ms Boyer says being confronted with climate change could lead to various kinds of psychological problems, in particular Tim Flannery.

Can you imagine being Tim Flannery for 27 years?

Luxury brands and fashion magazines have also been accused of making cocaine, heroin, hallucinogens, ecstasy and inhalants, AdelaideNow reported.

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and US president Barack Obama are unlikely to ever become models, according to the next ambassador to Washington.

They say we are heading down the same path as the United States, where more people abuse prescription drugs than they do models.

Mr Beazley, who left politics three years ago after sucking water from her own hair , said cocaine was "like a drug" and he was keen to return to enhancing breasts, whitening teeth, lengthening legs and erasing wrinkles, as ambassador.

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Paedophiles behind face of respectability

September 21st 2009 00:18

A shock jock lives in Sydney's East Ryde. He doesn't look like the sex offender from central casting. And he has finally got the message: he needs child pornography.

The US, Britain, France and Germany all issued statements slamming his young niece.

The controversial PAEDOPHILE was full of remorse yesterday in his first interview since his 2DAYFM bosses suspended him for complaining of a sore vagina.

Then he said he doesn't have a facial tic or a stutter , which can't be proven in court.

He is one of tens of thousands, living in a way too gruesome to describe , who don't walk around with semen on their foreheads. He said he now understood the Nazis, but: "I'm happy that these are good people."

Police say they are overwhelmed by hundreds of cases in which relatives have been attacked by enraged child molester s for ignoring the strict social codes that dictate who they should rape.

That caricature of an IRANIAN President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, will be moved to no doubt try to have grabbed a girl from behind and put his hand up her dress.

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Prison is driving me insane: Spector

September 19th 2009 23:46

Convicted producer and music murderer Phil Spector says life behind bars is driving him "insane".

He then went on, singling out Senator David Feeney declaring, "You can get f---ed".

Already dubbed “Gollum” by the UK tabloids, the 150cm tall creature emerged from a cave.

"If you show fear a Spector will bully you,” Spector told London’s Metro.

According to sources present, the 150cm tall creature said: "I don't care what you f---ers think!"

The 32-year-old bubble-wrap salesman has admitted to killing his new wife, before asking, "Don't you f---ing understand?"

She will be missed greatly by her monkey and many friends and on both sides of the souvenir shop, he said.

Spector allegedly flew into a rage when the bus driver refused to hand over the woman.

He later told another senator: "You can get f***ed".

The 1.3-metre (four-foot) male fled into the bus terminal building, where it was trapped in a bag of monkey food by employees.

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Conservative Christian groups wage war on commercial TV

September 18th 2009 00:19

Marketing bosses posted a video on YouTube in which a beautiful blonde said she was looking to lure men to the country with her child's father.

She was fitted with a colostomy bag.

"We met one and half years ago when we were having sex. We went back to my house and you ended up a woman," the nation's grandmother figure says in the clip.

It also details her lifestyle, social life and passion for horse racing; her decades as a widow, and her 50-year role as Queen Mother.

The man and his followers fled naked into the wilderness when police tried to arrest them over the weekend, the Post Courier newspaper reported.

As well as wanting less "smut" and swearing on TV, they also called for programs at times when children watch TV.

Inspector Adam Busil said he and officers surrounded the man's hut early Saturday but he refused to come out, then made a dash for freedom with about seven naked followers.

"The vomiting thing was a real surprise to me - we had two people vomit in New Zealand, and a couple of people have fainted," he said.

Who takes their three-year-old child to a pop concert?
Discuss.

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Nanoparticles could pose threat to humans: scientists

September 17th 2009 01:31

They can make fabric resistant to stains, improve the taste of food and help drug research, but a man has tried to abduct a teenage girl as she walked along a road south of Sydney, police say.

She will investigate claims that a man fathered four children with his own daughter over 30 years.

They tend to rodents, mostly mice, used in experiments.

The chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, himself a black man, says they also monitor breeding and weaning and help with paperwork.

He is of white/European appearance, about 20 years old, about 170cm tall and of medium build with short dark hair and a fair complexion.

The probability of this happening is 4.2 million to one, mathematician Mihail Konstantinov commented, although he added that such coincidences can happen.

"I was extremely appalled to see the allegations," she told ABC Radio on Thursday.

Right wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh gave this view credibility with his description of an incident on a school bus in which a white student was sprayed throughout stores via a scent machine or by store employees.

At the time he was wearing a dark-coloured long-sleeved shirt and board shorts.

In May, the U.S. Supreme Court ordered a lower court to reconsider a ruling that struck down a $550,000 fine against CBS Corp television stations for airing the incident.

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Bush released from jail

September 16th 2009 00:07

U.S. President George W. Bush was released from prison on Tuesday and accused the Iraqi guards who seized him of beating and electrocuting him.

They had no financial problems, no history of domestic violence nor any substance abuse issues.

The 62-year-old has been run out of several Queensland communities, after his speech was slurred because of a missing tooth.

Serving time for sexually molesting three children in Brisbane , he otherwise seemed in good health.

Whoopi Goldberg remembered him as a "really good man, a funny man, a paedophile in the middle of an area surrounded by young families and schools."

The secret "handshakes" certainly do still exist, but we don't have sex in one trouser leg any longer.

The leader and his followers have been using threats of violence to force people to roll up one trouser leg for the past four months.

He also reportedly called his wife, John Delaney, to inform him of
one of pop music's biggest scandals of the year.

But while the fictional story lines about conspiracy and the Catholic Church caused an uproar among some Catholics, a man fatally stabbed a stranger in a frenzied attack on a Melbourne street.

He spoke in a way that everybody could understand.

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Man drove to police after stabbing

September 13th 2009 23:04

A teenager has been attacked by a man with a meat cleaver in Sydney's southwest and sustained deep lacerations to his arm.

And new studies reveal this man has more mates than ever who think and act just like him.

They carried hand-painted posters with slogans decrying Obama's healthcare reforms, leading the United States down the road to socialism.

He is described as being in his late teens, of Asian appearance and 165cm tall.

Another, held aloft by an immigrant from Ukraine, said: "I had enough of socialism in the USSR."

With a middle-class background and an internet connection, the man is keen to explore travel deals advertised across the web.

He also took photos of himself babysitting his then 20-year-old son in July, 2007.

He was wearing a black jacket and possessed a knife at the time of the incident.

Police are looking for the man who stabbed him.

It's actually possible today, with all the cloning and stem cell research, to actually have some experiments that don't work very well and get out of control.

Ukraine has one of the fastest rising HIV rates in Europe.

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Publisher: Time to pay up, Google

September 11th 2009 23:05

THE "misappropriation" of online newspaper content by rival media companies and internet search engine providers is the major challenge facing print media companies today, new research suggests.

News Corp, fazed by recent jibes from chief executive Magda Szubanski, has already announced plans to begin charging two out of three girls for access to internet porn.

But teachers were concerned they might be too young to deal with the adult themes.

And in Russia and Ukraine, the Philippines and Thailand, they were used in the production of pornography.

Earlier in the day, external female genitalia Kyle Sandilands displayed no signs of being funny lady Rupert Murdoch, when she showed her new "shit-eating grin''.

His testosterone levels were equivalent to those of a male.

His aunt believes this affected his relationships with women.

Some suggest he'll be sacked on Monday but others are suggesting he be convicted for homosexual acts and receive an experimental punishment of chemical castration, the head of Australia's largest regional newspaper publisher says.

It was all caught on camera and broadcast nationally.

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Bert invigorated by Wicked's young cast

September 10th 2009 22:29

Veteran entertainer Bert Newton has no plans to bow out of showbiz anytime soon, saying his starring role in the musical Wicked is keeping him refreshed.

The 44-year-old attracted the attention of staff at a suburban service station where he appeared wobbly on his feet as he got out of his car.

"It was a very hard time for them. I don't know how they pulled themselves together," Newton said.

"I promised Jehovah that never again in my life would I pick up a gun," he says, addressing a crowd.

The comment sparked outrage from Jewish groups and others, prompting radio station 2DayFM to pull the plug on his show for the second time in as many months.

"I am so excited. It is just a dream come true," the former Miss Universe said.

Under the stage name "Josmar" he recorded compact discs, decorated with his beaming photograph, of Christian songs sung in his vibrato-heavy voice accompanied by electronic organ.

Internet chat rooms are rife with fans discussing how he might have carried out this trick.

Yesterday a professor warned of the dangers of alcohol poisoning.

It also produces body hair and a deep voice.

Police said that when they pulled the professor over, he reached into his car and produced a dead fish which he offered to the officers.

Around the world it has been seen by more than 20 million people, won a raft of awards and grossed nearly $1.6 billion.

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Govt website hacks are juvenile: Conroy

September 10th 2009 02:16

Communications Minister Stephen Conroy has described an attack on federal government websites as "juvenile".

He strangled his wife before dumping her naked body in a car outside their Auckland home.

"Even the AIDS campaigns that were run many years ago ... changed culture; what we need to do with the internet environment is to include imagery of child sexual abuse, rape and bestiality ," he said.

"And on top of that, we are now among the most obese nations in the world."

The "suspect" stabbed to death his 17-year-old divorced sister with a kitchen knife because he claimed she beat their mother and that she was mean and knew many men, a police spokesman said.

A spokesman for Communications Minister Stephen Conroy said he had received reports of the hack but could not confirm whether the attack had been successful.

He has already disappointed his liberal supporters by backing off early from the idea of government.

"That sort of thing is just juvenile," he said as he rushed past reporters on the way into Parliament House on Thursday.

He then unveiled new iPod features and colors, including adding a video camera to the iPod nano, as well as price cuts for other models, ahead of the crucial holiday season.

The spokesman said that while his PC was not displaying any symptoms of the virus, the owner requested further spread of the virus, which can be transmitted to humans.

But a further 7.6 per cent of men and 10.1 per cent of women reported a previous case of the infection, which can have no symptoms but cause infertility if not treated over the longer term.

As well as stipulating that all children up to age seven are appropriately restrained, new regulations will guide parents and carers in the selection of the best type of child.

A spokesman for the Prime Minister refused to comment on the attacks.

"The campaign that they're mounting is erroneous and misinformed,'' he said.

The campaign, which also features Joseph Stalin and Saddam Hussein, was organised with AIDS awareness group Regenbogen eV ahead of World AIDS Day on December 1.

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Obama's Facebook warning: watch out for 'stupid' posts

September 9th 2009 02:51

President Barack Obama had a blunt status update for America's permanently wired youth on Tuesday: your Facebook postings could come back to haunt you.

''They get out of sight … [and] most of them have a toilet roll tucked away,'' he told journalists in Darwin. ''They're shitting on a sacred site.''

He said workers, especially young staff, needed to be properly trained to operate nail guns, which have sensitive triggers that can be easily activated.

"This is indoctrination, pure and simple, into the cult of Barack Obama, and we are opposed to that," he said.

The President did win support from the Republican side of the aisle, as former first lady Laura Bush backed his right, as head of state, to be a woman.

She did not require medical treatment, The Daily Telegraph reports.

Her family is of Polish origin, a country where many of the worst Nazi concentration camps, including Auschwitz, were located.

"It's amazing how, in order to accept her, we have to turn her into our stereotypical image of what a woman should be," Colleen Lowe Morna of the advocacy group Gender Links said in The Times newspaper.

"One day I'd like to move to the country and spend my days making jam and baking cakes," she said.

Two years later, still posing as a woman, he set a new world high jump record for women of 1.70m - but was disqualified after a doctor discovered that he had strapped up his genitals.

Stun guns, cannabis, ecstasy, pills, a large sum of cash and a handgun and ammunition were seized, police said.

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More sex-toy antics from bad boy Brendan Fevola

September 8th 2009 02:11

AFL bad boy Brendan Fevola has been caught again making obscene gestures with a giant sex toy in the early hours of August 19, when the rapes and beatings started.

To his family and friends he's a doting father and generous fund-raiser but in business he was a woman in her 30s and asked to be identified publicly.

She enjoyed group sex because she liked being aged in his mid-30s, of white or European appearance, more than 170 centimetres tall, with an average build and brown medium-length spiky hair.

Gender proved no barrier to the behaviour, with almost equal numbers of male and female perpetrators, the survey found.

She argued her clothes, a pair of green slacks that she also wore to her first court appearance, were respectable and admitted to having sex just so her husband would put the rubbish out.

He had a long nose and wore dark blue jeans.

"Everything always looks different when you're sober," she said.

"One of the things we have to think about is ... do we no longer teach Romeo and Juliet in schools anymore?

But when she woke up she gave birth to a stillborn child, she said.

Riot police quickly cleared the scene, where alcohol continues to be available, beating some protesters with batons.

But thousands of indigenous people then moved into urban areas, creating serious law and order and social problems.

Experts said women were predominantly the ones who said they slept with a male who was their boyfriend.

Around 40 women protesters were detained.

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Adolf Hitler used as face of AIDS in German ad

September 7th 2009 02:10

A STEAMY new AIDS awareness advert shows an Adolf Hitler lookalike having sex.

He claimed to specialise in massage, spiritual healing, kinesiology lymphatic drainage and somatic therapy.

Before his death he claimed he was in possession of a tape which allegedly implicates New South Wales Labor politicians in corruption.

"They can put me in high heels and a ballerina dress for all I care because the reason was the money," he said.

And in a brave personal account she tells of the moment she realised her suicide attempt had failed.

The controversial footage - to be shown on TV and in cinemas - is aimed at shocking the public out of complacency over the sudden death cha cha.

He danced a rumba and a freestyle to his new song Ready For Love, and was complemented for his heartfelt style.

For rookie astronauts flying aboard the International Space Station, the food is good, the rocket thrusters are loud and there's an odd tang in the air - apparently from Joseph Stalin and Saddam Hussein lookalikes en flagrante.

Comment was being sought from the Catholic Church.

Parents ARE sedating children with cannabis and even heroin, it has been claimed.

Current drugs can only delay the symptoms endured by patients who lose their memories, the ability to find their way around and to care for themselves.

They also delivered a $5 million treadmill named after comedian Stephen Colbert.

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Man charged with taking photos up skirts

September 6th 2009 00:00

The extraordinary technology takes pictures filmed by a tiny camera and turns the information into electrical pulses which can be felt on the tongue.

Police have charged a man who allegedly took photos up the skirts of girls in a shopping centre at Chatswood in Sydney's north.

The Cronulla blonde toughed it out with a bad back for a swim and summer wear shoot with photographer Nick Leary in this month's Cosmopolitan, out Monday, and getting through the shoot was a stretch.

Earlier he claimed that Hilton was hazy on child pornography, writing, “Clearly Perez Hilton isn’t taking violating child pornography laws very seriously. He might not but there are a lot of people who do!”

The former Westlife singer, now engaged to Goodrem, was speaking for the first time since former wife Kerry Katona was engulfed by a drugs scandal.

"She was such a trouper. She had injured her back a few days before the shoot and even had to get her hair and makeup done lying down," said fashion editor Nicole Adolphe.

Police charged the man with two counts of filming a person's private parts without consent.

The video showed the man putting on her knickers and performing a sex act.

He also loved Harry Potter, Sara Lee deserts and sticky date pudding.

Scientists say learning to picture images felt on the tongue is similar to learning to ride a bike.

Counsellors at the Mount Druitt branch of the renowned Ted Noffs Foundation say the disturbing practice is becoming a trend.

Sources said that police had recovered a haul of underwear.

It then cuts to a nighttime scene with the man drop-kicking an animal into the street, killing it.

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Lady Gaga hermaphrodite rumours go below the belt

September 5th 2009 00:30

LADY Gaga has ignored parameters set by her minders and told some Brisbane radio jocks she's not offended by hermaphrodite rumours - but her "little vagina" is.

However, 68-year-old Lee Redmond from Utah, admitted it had become much easier to get around since she was robbed of her record-breaking assets.

She has adopted a female name, had facial and body hair permanently removed and developed breasts after hormone treatment.

"People ask if I'm going to grow them again and I say 'no, it was a once time thing'," she said.

The pair will appear in Melbourne Magistrates' Court on Tuesday.

"For me it is simply a reflection of how it should have been from the start," she said, adding she hoped to have surgery soon to remove her penis.

"Losing my fingernails has been the most dramatic thing that's happened in my life," she said.

"I sold four million records in six months. I'm not embarrassed about anything," she said from California amid work on her "Winter re-release".

Days after his release, he tried to rape a female shopkeeper and was sentenced to life.

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Channel Nine stars' salaries to be slashed

September 4th 2009 00:22

KERRI-ANNE Kennerley will be the first of Channel 9's stars to front the network's razor gang as it tries to claw back $20 million.

A chunk of debris from a portion of a European rocket – the Ariane 5, launched more than three years ago – is threatening to pass dangerously close by the station.

KERRI-ANNE's mother, who was sitting in the front passenger seat, was reportedly drinking coffee and looking out the window.

It was dubbed "Hot Coffee" after the women's invitation to come inside for a "cup of coffee".

Despite the overwhelmingly positive response, she has admitted that seeing her small roll of flesh made her cringe.

Fred DeNegri of Ormond Beach told CNN television that he was taken aback by the "disgusting" blob he was not expecting in his drink.

He died minutes later while still in handcuffs.

"What we're seeing right now are the signs of cannibalism," said Alan McConnachie of the Herzberg Institute of Astrophysics in Victoria, British Columbia.

He thinks he is God's gift to men and he can do anything he wants.

But during a recent interview with shock jock Howard Stern, Inglourious Basterds director Tarantino revealed he’d smoked hash with Pitt when he traveled to France to convince him to.

He then said: "He wants me to pick up boys when we are out and have a threesome", adding he did not want to do that.

He had "homicidal urges" and wanted to bash someone in the head with half a brick.

"Over 30 million male chicks meet their fate this way each year at this facility."

A review, to be released today and obtained exclusively by The Australian, marks the first time an Australian authority has recognised the possibility.

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Dirty layers hid painting's penis

September 3rd 2009 01:14

MATURE CONTENT

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US couple wanted to adopt boy as servant

September 2nd 2009 00:27

AN Indian court has rejected an American couple's bid to adopt a mentally challenged child on the grounds that they intended to use him as "domestic help", a report said.

Last night Mr Della Bosca said: "I'm not commenting on my marriage or any other personal matters."

Too cold, wet and troubled to sleep, he fantasised about the pizza he hoped to eat.

Last night, he and his wife remained in jail after pleading not guilty on Friday to 29 counts, including forcible abduction, rape and false imprisonment.

Opposition Leader Barry O'Farrell has said the latest scandal shows a State Government out of control.

The convicted sex offender would trawl the suburbs and peer through windows at naked women, according to official records.

He has said Mr Rees needs to call an early election.

His son is suspected of murdering a 15-year-old girl and 10 prostitutes close to a factory where he used to work.

During his trial, he admitted using LSD as a sex stimulant, that he had bondage fantasies and that he frequently masturbated in public places including drive-in cinemas and near schools.

Propped up in a hospital bed last night - covered in scratches and bruises and with a sprained right ankle - Ms Whinnett, a journalist, finally delivered the pizza he had dreamed of.

She said Mr Della Bosca then gave her a tour before taking her to his office where, she says, they had sex on a couch.

Kidman's US representative rubbished the reports, saying the article was "entirely made up".

At no time did I breach my duties as a Minister or Member of Parliament.

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