10 followers

394 daily readers

rank of 42

Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

[ September 2009 ] [ November 2009 ]

Consumption Malfunction - October 2009

Legal drugs spark a boom in pill popping

October 31st 2009 23:27

A largely unregulated industry is selling pills claimed to mimic the thrills of illicit drugs.

Opium-Seller Kidnapping Supplies
We Have Your Missionary. Send Money. Or He Gets It.
Here's His Severed Finger.
www.phillipino-gunmen.org

GUNMEN holding an Irish Catholic missionary in the southern Philippines for nearly three weeks have demanded a $2 million ransom, officials say.

Missionaries Who Like Girls
Meet Girls In Your Area. We'll Take You To Heaven!
We Also Cater.
www.hiding-in-the-bushes.god

In one statement they claimed he also took photographs of the children at their pony club.

Pony Clubs In The Phillipines?
You Bet Your Sweet Ass! We Cater To All Your Imperial
Needs. We'll Take You For A Ride! But Let's Talk About
Your Sweet Ass. 1800-1-SWEET-ASS
www.flog-dead-horse.com

He was charged with attempting to choke/strangle with intent to commit a serious indictable offence.

Vote

Comments (8)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Health

Email this Post to a Friend

How to be fabulous

October 29th 2009 21:55

Corby says that you can't go past stripes

Most of us know how to live but not how to live well. There is a world of difference between the two — and the difference is drugs. It is better than beauty, brains and billions in the bank and it's never too late to acquire it, says convicted drug mule Schapelle Corby and political failure Natasha Stott Despoja.

WAYS TO SHINE

Use imagination in all you do

Say you've just farted in a public place. See that elderly man you're wheeling around in a shopping trolley? In front of you. Look disapprovingly at him as you turn up your face to people you pass by. Kick once. Repeat.

Rise above things

When people come at you with a kitchen knife. Let's say your neglected children. Grab their hair and press your thumbs into their eye sockets. Do this until their screams fill your house with laughter. Yours.

Dress to feel good

Wrap yourself in your work. By that, we mean packets of cannabis.

Put your faith in the classics

A few cones followed by a case of beer. Followed by the first thing. Whack on some trackie dacks to get a packet of chips. Forget what you left the house for. Forget where you live. Get lost. Crash your car for the night.

Maintain your standards

Never don't get absolutely shit-faced in front of someone you've got the hots for. I'll never forget when I was blind sober with my dad. Lucky for me, my aunty never found out. I never would have got in her pants if she had caught a whiff of carbon dioxide on me. She had left her pants in my dad's bed.

Don't try too hard

If a bloke thinks you've put pants on just for him he'll think your easy. If you hear someone trying to break in through a window, don't bother with the pants. It's probably that really hot 14 year-old you like. Your nephew's half-brother's dad.

Aim for a compliment a day

Even if it's just pinching chocolate bars from the video store, tell your kids what mum always told you. SHUT UP, YOU!

Australian Style, by Schappelle Corby and Natasha Stott Despoja, is published by Penguin/Lantern and is out today, $3.95. Present your five finger discount and get in trouble with the law, again.

Vote

Comments (8)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Fashion

Email this Post to a Friend

Robert Pattinson Picked Up By Police For Imitating an Actor

October 29th 2009 01:11

Pattinson Snapped After Eating Some Dead Horse

Twilight heart-throb Robert Pattinson has been arrested and charged for impersonating an actor while shooting his mouth off on the set of stilts he borrowed from me. And is yet to return.

The net is closing on his co-star, what's-her-face, after it was leaked that Pattinson is set to cough up the name of what's-her-face. Fashion police are also keen to question me about my apparent lack of underpants. Crack sniffer dogs have baulked at the job.

The very stilted Pattinson, as sick and boring as he is tall and annoying, has pulled off the greatest performance of his life in his portrayal of a competent actor, which is set to land him a private jet.

For my part, I was asked to play that man in the background who is just minding his own small-business. The hardest part was pretending I wasn't being shot out of a cannon. I looked down the barrel once, if you watch closely.

Mostly I found Pattinson to be in the cafeteria eating pies and getting into the dead horse. I did at one point ask him if he wouldn't mind leaving some of the best parts for the rest of us. He just acted all tall and stupid.

His co-star, what's-her-face, kept forgetting my name. I found that so irritating, but I concealed my feelings superbly, as all actors are trained to do. She hardly noticed that one occasion when I broke a bottle over her head. She had overdosed in my caravan. Annoying.

The worst part about all of this is that I had to tell police, under heavy questioning, that I didn't know they weren't actors. They seemed to be so self-involved and prone to abusing substances.

It's all just a really bad joke. I'll never forget when my dad sat me down on his knee, and said to me that mum was coming and I had better get off. It was only yesterday. Before that my mind is a total blank.

Vote

Comments (4)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment

Email this Post to a Friend

Mobile Toilet Use Linked To Colon Cancer

October 28th 2009 00:37

New research has discovered a link between extended use of mobile toilets and colon cancer.

The new findings back up claims made by Friedrich Nietzsche in his ground-breaking attempt to build a shithouse.

Nietzsche, building on plans made by Arthur Schopenhauer, was backed up by a pile of shit.

Dig Up Old Nietzsches
We'll Show You The Family Plot. Give You A Spade.
You Do The Rest.
www.necrophilosophy.com

Learn More About Hegel
Or You Could Just Pour Wet Cement In Your Ear.
You Choose!
www.dial-a-bore.net

Get A Schopenhauer In Your Toilet Today!
For The Price You Might Expect To Pay For A Kick
In The Teeth!
www.a-mouth-full-of-it.org

He set to work on his ground-breaking sledgehammer after he realised his mobile was giving him a red and sore rear.

The last in a long line of people waiting to use the mobile, Nietzsche was preceded by Georg Hegel who was dying to go.

Hegel, the first in a long line of mobile users, opened the door for a long line that have already gone.

Vote

Comments (6)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Books

Email this Post to a Friend

Noah Cyrus ,9, causes outrage in dominatrix Halloween costume

October 27th 2009 22:05

NOAH Cyrus, the little sister of Miley, has been photographed in a racy dominatrix-inspired Halloween costume, estimated to be worth $177 million.

It's alleged Miley, her husband’s five year-old daughter, was drowned, cut in half and buried.

Trousers are allowed, as long as the woman also wears a long skirt down to her dismembered ankles.

Teenage girls wanting hats, jewellery, paintings, a throne, a crown, an ornate golden antique piano, and a 1984 letter from US president Ronald Reagan are being forced into having sex and ferrying guns, knives and drugs, police and charities have found.

If a woman wears pants and tucks her top in, that's wrong. I did it, but I can't explain why.

This case is about that supreme commander, a man who harnessed the forces of nationalism, hatred and fear to implement his vision: Michael Jackson.

In August 2007, just days after his release from prison, he kidnapped Radovan Karadzic , locked him in a garage, drugged him and raped him.

Karadzic is alleged to have worked with Yugoslav strongman Sandra Bullock , who died midway through his own UN genocide trial in March 2006, before dogs dragged the dismembered body to the driveway.

The time has come for me to say that it's true, yes. I have ordered 7,000 skirts to be set aside for women who cannot afford to buy such attire.

Vote

Comments (8)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Fashion

Email this Post to a Friend

Cancer link to mobiles

October 26th 2009 01:18

AN international study has found a link between long-term mobile phone use and brain tumours.

On an average day in 2006, 35 women were diagnosed with the cancer.

A spokeswoman for Andrew Lloyd Webber says the composer has been diagnosed with prostate cancer.

Talking Through Your Backside?
Get It In The Arse.
www.prostate-cancer.net

Smooth Talkers!
Get A Call From Your Doctor For That Lumpy Brain.
www.fucked-in-the-head.net

Start Talking to Your Kids Today
Don't Listen To Them. They Haven't Picked Up What You Have! You're An Infallible Idol.
www.syphillis.net

His ex-wife Janine Lindemulder, 40, star of such video titles as Mrs Behavin’, Sleeping Booty and Dyke Diner, disagrees.

She had bite marks on her thigh, black eyes, a bruised neck and jaw and up to 5cm of her tongue removed, believed bitten off.

I encourage you to get a mobile phone and I very much look forward to seeing the results.

Vote

Comments (2)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Health

Email this Post to a Friend

Man naked in own home charged with indecent exposure

October 23rd 2009 22:38

An American man who brewed coffee naked in his own kitchen is facing indecent exposure charges and could be jailed.

Nescafe Instant Jail
Put some pants on, pervert.
www.whitewithone.penis

Mr Griffin described the opportunity as an "unprecedented chance" to present the BNP's views to the British public and propel his party into the "the big time".

Bleach Your Faeces
Drink White King and die, arseholes.
www.whitewith.none

In an interview for The Independent newspaper he stated that he gave up because of a hand injury.

What's This?
Wanker's Cramp.
www.do-you-get-it.com

I am well aware that orthodox opinion is that six million Jews were gassed and cremated or turned into soup and lampshades.

Waiter, There's A Hair In My Soup!
New Heinz Jew Soup. Floss while you eat.
www.entree-to-death.net

I have reached the conclusion that the 'extermination' tale is a mixture of Allied wartime propaganda, extremely profitable lie, and latter witch-hysteria.

Vote

Comments (5)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: People

Email this Post to a Friend

Google 'promotes reader promiscuity'

October 22nd 2009 23:36

WALL Street Journal managing editor Robert Thomson has opened fire on Google, accusing the internet giant of promoting online news reading "promiscuity."

Although in Department of Human Services custody, he roams the streets, chroming, using amphetamines, drinking and smoking cigarettes.

He says professionals often discourage the wearing of thongs but there's no hard evidence that they are harmful.

Couch-hopping?
See the video Tom Cruise wanted but couldn't find. It was right there all along. What is he, blind?
www.hardtofindvideos.com.au

Wall Street Journal Back Catalogues
Last Entry, Dated 1929: Goodbye, cruel world.
www.depressionkills.net

Can't handle your emotions?
Invest in money. Find out your worth.
www.deflation.net.au

Find Sexy Singles In Your Area
Binoculars, binoculars, binoculars!
www.long-distance.relationship

Police charged him with violating the conditions of his sentence and made him go home and patch things up with his wife.

"They've been having sex with full-grown horses," Maury County Detective Terry Chandler.

The man, who now has an artificial rectum, is demanding 35 million yen ($416,171) in compensation.

Vote

Comments (3)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Money

Email this Post to a Friend

Rupert Murdoch Declares War on Google

October 21st 2009 23:50

Rupert Murdoch has launched the first pre-emptive strikes in the battle for ownership of the means of production of intellectual property.

Looking for a hack?
We stock a wide range.
www.newscorp.com

Murdoch is declaring his intention to charge users for the right to access the information they are now getting free of charge.

Make money from your home
I'll buy it off you.
www.howsfiftybucks.com

Unable to stem the tide of slipping revenue, Murdoch's plan includes throwing his weight around in a mud-wrestling comp for business execs.

See Rupert Murdoch Naked
Cover your eyes, children!
www.wrinklyoldmogul.net

The comp will see Murdoch take on Google heavyweights in a contest to the death that will determine once and for all just who is the slipperiest.

Cover your eyes, children!
Cheap blindfolds and gags. Handcuffs are extra.
www.nakedgreed.net

"I'm going to give them my signature move," Murdoch said, building strength in his wrist. "I'll need a pen and a bit of paper."

Cover your arse, children!
He's got viagra in his pocket.
www.impotentoldcunt.org

Vote

Comments (4)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Money

Email this Post to a Friend

Scientists Claim Therapeutic Benefits In Picking Your Nose and Eating It

October 20th 2009 23:23

Scientists have discovered what I already knew. Picking your nose and eating it, not only tastes good, it is also good for you.

Kleenex has, thanks to an idea they stole from me, now released a range of edible tissues and pre-picked boogers.

Kids all over the place are getting into the delicious taste of nature's goodness. Don't wipe it on your pants. Put it in your mouth!

New Kleenex Edible Tissues
Comes in two flavours: crunchy and smooth!
www.pickyournoseandeatit.com

New Kleenex Bushman's Hanky
Blow your brains out in the street.
www.blowyourbrainsout.com

Kids, Eat Somebody's Face!
We pick out the freshest and best boogers from the runniest noses on the face of the earth and bring them into this new handy pack.
www.eatwhatyoublow.com

Pick your nose and eat it is the catchprase of a whole new generation of nose-pickers and scab-eaters. All the kids are doing it!

Picking your nose and eating it, critics are saying, is a prelude to a more serious childhood problem. Scratch your bum and sniff.

Chroming, as the intoxicating new phenomenon is called, is the fragrant abuse of kids' bums being pushed by digital-age icon Calvin Klein.

Get your hands on the smell of little bottoms for less than what you'd expect to pay in Thailand, or Church. Save on tissues.

Calvin Klein's Smelly Crap
The new range of abuses by paedophiles.
www.digitallypenetratekids.net

Want the intoxicating allure of a predator?
Catholic Priest by Lynx
www.somethingstinks.org

Vote

Comments (8)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Food

Email this Post to a Friend

Nobel winner slams Bible as 'handbook of bad morals'

October 20th 2009 01:07

A row broke out in Portugal on Monday after a Nobel Prize-winning author denounced the Bible as "a dark liquid trickling from the old and rusty fridge".

He noticed a handbook of bad morals, which was also giving out a foul smell, leading him to the grisly find.

The book depicted Jesus losing his virginity to Mary Magdalene and being used by God to control the world.

The son told social workers that his father had jumped on the girl from behind, pushed her face into the sand and punched her in the head.

He was dressed only in underwear and had been found along with some wine bottles and a few comic books.

Internet contact was made between the father, son and "Carly" and that dialogue continued right up until her death.

In January 2007, the father visited me in Adelaide and bought me hundreds of dollars worth of clothing including a corset and lingerie.

Roman Catholic Church leaders accused the 86-year-old of a publicity stunt.

"I thought he was deeply in love with him, absolutely besotted by him," Barry said.

Vote

Comments (19)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Family

Email this Post to a Friend

Barack Obama Sex Tape Emerges!

October 19th 2009 13:05

MATURE CONTENT

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Health

Email this Post to a Friend

The Algebraic Formula For Writing In The First-Person

October 18th 2009 01:05

Introducing, my subject matter in the form of a photograph, with a snappy caption.

From a personal perspective, based on experiences a, b and c of x, y and z, my subject matter makes me feel p, q and r, and so should you. You should feel p, q and r for reasons related to the logical conclusions I have drawn from experiences a, b and c and represent as points l, m and n.

Should you choose to ignore the lines joining points l, m and n, which represent a, b and c, then the consequences for you will be that you might miss a point. If you were to miss a point, let’s say point l, then you would have nothing to draw you to your own experiences - represented by l, m and n, i.e. experiences a, b and c.

To draw you to experience a, represented by point l, in any other way would be virtually impossible; rendering emotion p, for which experience a (represented by point l) invariably produces, non-existent; meaning in my life would cease to exist. The loss of meaning in my life, represented by the meaning escaping you, would render point a, or any other aspect of the equation, equal to nothing.

If you choose to enter into the equation, by adding your interest to the equation, the product of our mutual understanding in this matter would equal meaning in my life and, your life. For the sake of meaning, add something of your own to the equation in the form of comment n. (Where n exists, the addition of my comment in the form of k equals the addition of more comments and is represented by the equation n plus k = n and k)

You, for whose benefit I reconstructed my experiences of x, y and z in the form of l, m and n, which are greater than but not equal to yours, understand what I’m saying here. My point of view (divided by points l, m and n) on x, y and z is greater than, but not including, yours. Hell, I might even add a bad word to add weight to my points.

In conclusion, just joking with a snappy little line about so long.

Vote

Comments (4)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Games

Email this Post to a Friend

Berlin brothel goes green to beat the crisis

October 16th 2009 01:01

Stung by the economic crisis, a brothel in Berlin is offering discounts to clients who can prove they arrived with some success.

The Queen and Prince Philip often make incognito trips, but are rarely spotted, a royal aide told London's Evening Standard newspaper.

"In these tight times, we are cutting costs. We've binned the tax advisor, reduced the hours of the cleaning lady and I only buy low-cost cleaning products," she said.

The Queen stunned theatre-goers when she and her husband slipped in unannounced and at the last minute, newspapers reported.

"The crisis has slashed our turnover in half in the last year," the 56-year-old told AFP over coffee and cakes, flanked by scantily clad prostitutes.

"The Queen has regularly undertaken similar private visits throughout her reign without any fuss," the aide said. "It allows her to live a bit more of a normal life."

Another said she was a dietary counsellor in a gym -- "but times are hard". A third said she was a housewife.

When police arrived, 500 people filled the store and another 1000 were outside.

"When they left at the end, they were given a round of applause, which the queen acknowledged with a wave," she said.

The 'establishment' also offers special weekend rates with Jacuzzi options and a "two-for-one" rate.

Vote

Comments (5)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Money

Email this Post to a Friend

Three out of 10 men fail to wash hands after toilet, according to study

October 15th 2009 23:21

THREE out of 10 men you shake hands with won't have washed theirs after going to the toilet.

The study has highlighted the alarming ramifications you face shaking hands with your wife's best friend - invariably an unhygienic man - and has led many to question the value of going to the toilet in the first place, or at least wiping.

The Age old practice of wiping - frowned upon in the Middle East - where the arseholes are hairiest - has, along with many outdated social conventions such as nose-blowing and refraining from scratching your weird and wonderfuls, for the first time been legislated against in parts of the newly democratic nation of Iraq, but opponents argue it's "just a piece of paper".

The most vocal opposition has come from the young women of Iraq, many of whom believe that their "unhealthy inclination" towards cleanliness places them closer to God and will lead to them being "wiped off the face of the earth" by the "hands of those stinking arseholes", which has caused a spokesman for the Hairy Arsehole Alliance (HAA) to squirm in his seat.

In a speech before a rally of supporters, the dirty arsehole spokesman, wringing his mum, said that he had evidence to back up his belief that "the dirty arseholes of Iraq are untouchable", and launched into a shitful tirade against Western influences in the "region", before demonstrating to the demonstrators what is meant by "the hands of the Western arseholes are dirty".

A statement issued by opponents of the legislation claims that the new measures will give police the right to "sniff around in my private business", but was met with a swift response from HAA, which is planning to randomly check "every single arsehole which doesn't smell right," and by that is meant every one which doesn't at all.

"I really have no idea what sort of shit goes on in Iraq but let's just say that I have no idea what goes on anywhere else either," said a disgruntled former employer of the person responsible for this shit, "but, I think that the best can be said for half the shit that gets done in this domain is not worth being put to paper. "

My other half is beautiful. Amen.

Vote

Comments (5)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Health

Email this Post to a Friend

The formula for psychologist Dr Phil accused of brainwashing women, forcing them to watch naked man

October 14th 2009 23:41

For the sake of argument, let's say that x about subject y equals z. Or in plain English, xy = z. Now let's say that where x exists y follows and is z. Now let us make y equal Dr. Phil and make x equal he brainwashed two women and forced them to share a room with a naked man and make z equal true. Or, Dr Phil brainwashed two women and forced them to share a room with a naked man is true.

Now let us assume that x is a function of a and y is a function of b and z is a function of c. And let's make a equal Dr Phil's psychosis and b equal a travelling trouser salesman and i equal whatever I say. It then follows that Dr Phil, having an episode, brainwashed two women and forced them to share a room with a naked man, who was selling them his trousers, because I said so. Which we shall call n.

Therefore, n is a product of i which is part of the subset of n, which makes it a product of itself. In plain English, Dr Phil made a man expose his entire body, genitals and all to this women. Now, let's call her. You first. Go on. Now, if we call her claims a product of her own psychosis, or naked greed, then we shall call her a lying slutfaced bitchmolewhore. If, on the other hand, the product of her claims, let's call them xyz, are found to equal a monetary sum, let's call her and ask her for money. Let's. I have no cash on me. I left my wallet in the carpark.

Rounding it out, Dr Phil, let's call him a fat American prickly-faced bald-arsed lying scam-bucket, has it, let's call that the power to hypnotise, on the lowest common denominator, let's call that the seething product-buying brain-dead burnt-shit eating nose-pickers, or u. So that Dr Phil has hypnotised the lowest common denominator. Or, a fat American prickly-faced bald-arsed lying scam-bucket has it over u. Now, where my trousers are nobody knows. Let's call that unfortunate.

Vote

Comments (6)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment

Email this Post to a Friend

Nine MSN Gets Behind Channel Nine

October 12th 2009 23:39

Channel Nine, the brainchild of civil rights activist Kerry Packer, has been backed by Nine MSN, the brainchild of Australia's biggest loser James Packer, over claims Hey, Hey, It's Saturday, the brainchild of middle-class activist Darrel Somers, says everything you need to know about middle-Australia.

"I have a dream," Somers told a million viewers or more on Wednesday night, "and it doesn't include you," he said, pouring some vile poison into the ears of The King Graham Kennedy, before launching into a spirited bout of love-making with The King's wife, Kenny Sutcliffe.

"Boy," an exasperated lunatic-faced Bert Newton said to his son, and slave to the industry, Matthew Newton, "I think there's more to middle-Australia than you can take at face-value," he quipped, while enjoying the services of the Queen, Kenny Sutcliffe.

Middle-Australia, outraged by unfunny attempts to ridicule Steve Irwin, has not seen the unfunny side of a "bit of fun" which included some very subtle, and awfully hurtful, barbs at the expense of recently deceased living-legend and cotton-picking entertainer Michael Jackson.

Hey, Hey It's Saturday idealogue, and courageous whiteman, John Blackman, getting the message from Graham Kennedy to avenge him for that time "he died", has vowed to tell Somers everything you need to know about middle-Australia. It's owned by Packers.

"It's a dumb show," Norm, said, "but if you want to catch the King," he said, opening his trap for the first time in ages, "then I suggest you watch The Club with John Howard as the Tasmanian."

"Graham Kennedy couldn't act to save himself," he said, cutting the air with a fart, "but that John Howard says all you need to know about running down a race."

Vote

Comments (2)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Home & Garden

Email this Post to a Friend

PM turns to Twitter over Julia dilemma

October 10th 2009 23:20

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd sparked a flurry of tweeting this morning by posting about what to see at the movies.

KevinRuddPM: Thinking of going to the movies to see Julie and Julia with Meryl Streep. Any thoughts out there? KRudd.

The 77-year-old actress says in a post on Twitter on Thursday that the treatment "went off perfectly" and she feels like she has a "brand new ticker."

As for the movie itself, it garnered mostly favourable reviews. sarahstyle: @KevinRuddPM RT @zotheysay: Meryl Streep is dynamite. Watch Liberals implode. I will now buy an expensive French cookbook I will never use.

South Australian Liberal senator Simon Birmingham said the decision was a mistake.

He was badly beaten, and they mutilated his genitals, that were hanging round his neck... His head was bound with adhesive tape.

But critics say he has not achieved enough to join the ranks of Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa and Burma's Aung San Suu Kyi.

And I'm with KevinRuddPM, really wanting to go see 'Julie & Julia'...No one keen though, maybe I should just hang with badly beaten, and mutilated, genitals hanging round the neck.

"This is what is going to happen to the boss of bosses," read one message signed by all the "rats, kidnappers and extortionists".

More than ever, the world would look to the president for leadership.

That's why all psychiatric facilities and relevant health service providers need to ask the question - do you have children?

Julie & Julia is a delight.

Vote

Comments (10)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Love

Email this Post to a Friend

NASA probe hits moon looking for water

October 9th 2009 23:33

The United States has blasted the surface of the moon with two rockets on a mission to look for future space missions.

Police say no drugs or alcohol were involved in the crash.

Ahead of the impact, Victoria Friedensen, LCROSS program executive, said she was feeling "a lot of exhilaration, a little sadness".

Every second person she talks about she calls a dog or an informer.

She says she cannot remember what happened.

It's like looking at a blank screen.

It said Mr Packer had withdrawn from public since then, had taken up smoking again, put on weight , drank a bottle of vodka, passed out, woken up to find 15cm penis on his leg.

Then I washed my hands and got on the phone.

"It's really just a desperate attempt at notoriety and publicity," he said.

Looking back on my life, I certainly regret a few things I did, particularly when I was a longtime friend of Mr Packer and his father Kerry at Nine.

I'm just a soccer mom who has always openly carried (a firearm), and I've never had a problem before.

Rape seemed like the next logical step.

Vote

Comments (4)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Family

Email this Post to a Friend

TV Actors Get Behind Convicted Con-Artist Dennis Furguson

October 3rd 2009 01:51

The brightest stars of Australian television, including Larry Emdur and John Waters, have banded together to help find Dennis Ferguson, who Bill Henson described as a living-legend, suitable accommodation.

In a special edition, to be screened next week, of Packed to the Rafters, Seven's new hit family drama, the salivating kiddy-pincher will be welcomed into the homes of smut-fearing Australians everywhere.

"Viewers can expect the pitter-patter of little feet on Seven, very soon," a typically jubilant Kylie Gillies told drooling home-owners. "Followed by the noise a bed makes when it's being bounced on by a 60 year-old man and his love-child."

Ferguson, one of the premier performance artists of our time, says his new role on Seven's hit family drama, is "one of greatest opportunities of my long and successful career in the business," interpreters said.

"To think that I'll be going into Australian homes right around the country has me licking my lips," Ferguson said, sniffing a nappy. "It's going to open a lot of doors for me. Hopefully they'll have little bunny rabbits on them."

Australia's greatest ever rock-band, The Wiggles are said to be disappointed that Ferguson, who got his start with Gary Glitter, chose to ignore their attempts to lure him into a coloured skivvy and out of retirement.

"I'm getting the old band back together," the one-time frontman for Dennis Ferguson and the Gay Lover told nuns at the orphanage. "Where I'm going I won't be needing a skivvy," he said, reminiscing about their 1987 tour of the country. "Brisbane."

Vote

Comments (8)

Add Comments

[ Link ]

Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment

Email this Post to a Friend