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Consumption Malfunction - June 2010

Charles In Tears As Norm Takes Over At The Top

June 24th 2010 02:22

Charles has burst into tears in an unexpected show of emotion after opening his "Writer Stats for Charles" email and finding that Norm had replaced him as Orble's "Top Writer".

"Sure, all I've ever written has been directly taken from another source," he cried, wiping away the tears on Jon's cheeks, "but that doesn't mean something, something..."

"This is a very emotional day for me," Charles said, literally crying his arse out, "but at least...a new, class-leading V8 diesel engine, new 8-speed transmission, two significant Terrain Response upgrades and subtle external styling all combine to ensure the 2011 Range Rover Vogue retains its crown as king of the luxury SUV segment if nothing else...aww...I can't do it...awww..."

Norm, as matter-of-fact as he is incapable of driving a car, was typically smooth in his handling of bumpy terrain, with luxurious interior settings and class-leading style the new Norm combines leather upholstered arse-cheeks with an upholstered interior for class-leading luxury and smooth handling and European excellence which enables the new Norm to drive all the way to the top and leaves all competitors gasping for air in the "environmentally friendly" black smoke emanating from the exhaust and troubling but "perfectly normal" clunking sound, although get it checked out because it could mean that the engine is about to fall out, but don't worry about the red light flashing on the dash because it either means there's a design fault, or the brakes don't work properly.

"Of course, my sympathies are with Charles at this time," Norm, typically class-leading in his smooth handling and European excellence, spluttered, "Have you seen the car he drives? It's not what I'd call a gasoline-powered sedan with a top speed of 190 km/h. It's actually a bit of a shit-box."

As usual, the 1.4 TSI (90 kW / 122 PS) and the 2.0 TSI (147 kW / 200 PS) offer high-tech in proven form. Except for the 1.2 TSI, all engines may be paired with a 6-speed DSG (77 kW TDI, 103 kW TDI, 147 kW TSI) or 7-speed DSG (90 kW TSI, 118 kW TSI).

1) 15085 Norm
2) 15084 charles
3) 12364 Ian
4) 6881 Jack
5) 6048 Cibbuano
6) 4856 Bryn
7) 4829 ZPages
8) 3907 MelissaA
9) 3284 Journeywoman
10) 3174 Morgan Bell
11) 2581 Tyronne
12) 2573 Oracle of Delphi
13) 2544 Arnold
14) 2404 Whitney
15)1928 Matt Shea
16) 1638 JohnDoe
17) 1632 Jason King
18) 1607 Raoul Duke
19) 1584 Scarlett
20) 1507 Dexter

Updates on Charles' emotional state will be available from the third quarter of 2011.

[Source: Charles' Orble Writer Stats]

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Posted By: Norm - Category: People

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Orble CEO Moves To Appease 'Hitler-like' Melbourne Socialite

June 22nd 2010 00:58

Orble CEO and founding farter Tom Cruise has moved to Melbourne in a late bid to play down mounting tension between his stable of Sydney "writers" and his mouse-infested hay stack of Melbourne "bloggers".

"I've been compared to old McDonald before," Cruise, trying his hand at goat husbandry, told the Hamburglar, "and, let me tell you, goats make excellent husbands."

The Hamburglar, a leading Melbourne identity and possibly of the view that Sydney is a bit of a funny farm, has offered to put Cruise up in his spacious Melbourne park bench.

"I've got yesterday's paper," he told that weird bloke with the trenchcoat, as they got ready for bench, pulling the paper up over his head, "but if there's one thing I can't stand it's getting woken up in the middle of the afternoon when I'm trying to sleep."

Old McDonald, a bit of a whizz in the industrial kitchen, said that, "People tell me my food is good, but I am my harshest critic. I need MasterChef to hone my skills and find out if I really am good."

Leading Sydney sausage-lover and master chef Alan Jones was at pains to add that he can't wait to see the back of MasterChef wannabe Cruise, who once again failed when it comes to cooking the books.

"I can't believe anyone would question the authentic taste of success," Old McDonald said, delivering a cross between a chicken and an alpaca. "The numbers are in and, whether you like it or not, the expected top for Melbourne is about 67."

1) 15939 charles
2) 13022 Ian
3) 6633 Jack
4) 5804 Cibbuano
5) 5594 Bryn
6) 5030 ZPages
7) 3672 MelissaA
8) 3477 Morgan Bell
9) 3303 Journeywoman
10) 2770 Tyronne
11) 2635 Oracle of Delphi
12) 2572 Whitney
13) 2550 Arnold
14) 1839 Raoul Duke
15) 1760 Matt Shea
16) 1667 Jason King
17) 1598 JohnDoe
18) 1587 Dexter
19) 1585 Scarlett
20) 1563 KC Hill

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Bitter

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A Case Of Sour Grapes: Orble's Anti-Melbourne Bias Goes Under The Spotlight

June 21st 2010 00:59

An embattled and embittered typist has revealed a stunning anti-Melbourne bias on the soap-box he is standing on.

Known only as Norm, and possibly residing in Australia's finest city - a city which shits over all others, has obtained documentary evidence to support his potentially silly claims.

"I have, in a folder marked 'Spam', the evidence of Orble's shamelessly anti-Melbourne agenda," Norm, speaking through a hole in his head, told the last person to see him alive.

"If you are reading this," he told executors to his estate, "I am probably dead or in hiding or both or none or all three or alive and well and not living in Melbourne."

Norm, possibly from Melbourne originally, then went on to expose the "Top Writers" of Orble who name Melbourne as their favourite holiday destination.

1) 14638 charles
2) 14032 Ian
3) 5742 Jack
4) 5248 Cibbuano
5) 5061 Bryn
6) 4111 ZPages
7) 3391 Raoul Duke
8) 3161 Morgan Bell
9) 2921 MelissaA
10) 2796 Journeywoman
11) 2502 Tyronne
12) 2350 Arnold
13) 2232 Oracle of Delphi
14) 2200 Whitney
15) 1628 Matt Shea
16) 1585 Jason King
17) 1561 JohnDoe
18) 1454 katyzzz
19) 1415 Scarlett
20) 1381 Dexter

Many of the "Top Writers" refused to be drawn on whether they think Sydney has better weather than Melbourne, but one thing is for sure: it doesn't.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Bitter

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Norm Serves It Up: Many Happy Returns

June 9th 2010 01:54

Norm, an ordinary bloke - some would say very ordinary, has broken his silence for the first time in weeks over controversial remarks he has to make about people who have access to the internet.

Pressed further, Norm hinted at a return to the days before the printing press assumed control of public conciousness and laughed off reports he had lost his sense of humour in a bad joke.

"Those claims are a joke," he said, laughing his arse off, "and let me be the first to say that I'm not laughing," he said, suddenly turning deadly serious in one of those rapid changes of mood, people and pets have grown accustomed to.

Asked to elaborate on his long absence, he was at pains to say that his growing disillusionment with the internet has grown to the point where it seems pointless to him to expand on a point, missing the point entirely.

"Those who say that there's a place for creative writing on the net," Norm, notoriuosly fond of pontificating, preached, "are sadly mistaking critical writing for something I give two shits about," he said, not giving a single shit.

Norm, critical of the internet and personal impressions in general, has turned his attention to a variety of pursuits, some of which include lying in bed until it gets dark again and contemplating the point of a knife.

"I'll be damned if I'm just going to lie there all day in bed," he said, in a critical condition, "because lazy people like me can go straight to Hell," he said, without a single word of a lie.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Bitter

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September 2010

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August 2010

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June 2010