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Consumption Malfunction - the original sin.

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Consumption Malfunction - September 2010

Former Terrorist Nelson Mandela Predicts Osama bin Laden Will Be America's Second Muslim President

September 26th 2010 23:54

American President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Models His Head With The On-The-Shoulders Look

Nelson Mandela, as black as he was red, has called on the Democrats to support the nomination of Osama bin Laden for US President.

"He reminds me of myself at that age," Mandela said, sitting in as a guest judge on Iran's Next Top Model. "He knows how to wear a bikini."

Mandela, throwing his support behind Osama bin Laden on America's Next Muslim President, also paid tribute to America's first Muslim president.

"When Barack Obama was defeated by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad it was a great day for former terrorists all over the world," the former terrorist said, bathing.

President Ahmadinejad, the inaugural winner of America's Next Muslim President when he defeated Barack Obama, argued against a ban on the bikini.

"The only problem I have with the wearing of a bikini," he said, stepping out in a pair of high heels, "is that nobody can ever look me right in the eye."

The Losers On Iran's Next Top Model Line Up For Execution

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Home & Garden

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Man charged for 222km/h speeding

September 23rd 2010 00:41

A Sydney man caught driving more than 220km/h has been remanded in custody days after his licence was reinstated for previous speeding offences.

The man, known only as Charles and speaking through his lawyer's arse, offered a statement in which he stated:

"Tipping the scales at 1,540 kg, the Speedster can sprint from rest to 100 km/h in 4.6 seconds and reach a top speed of 305 km/h."

Officers on patrol clocked a Subaru WRX at 222km/h on the M4 motorway at Eastern Creek, in Sydney's west, about 12.30am (AEST) on Thursday.

"What's the point of driving the all new Subaru WRX with tinted front lights, black headlight surrounds, black windscreen border and other black decorative designs if you can't see how fast it will go?" the Sydney man mused.

The posted speed limit on the stretch of road is 100km/h.

"There should be a law against not driving your luxury top-of-the-range class-leading all new car with European styling under 100km/h while you enjoy the smooth handling and highly-praised ride quality," Charles scratched into the wall of his cell with the teeth his new cell-mate handed to him while police watched on.

They chased the vehicle and pulled it over a short time later.

"The all new Subaru WRX with its razor-sharp handling and European styling is such a fine example of motoring excellence it almost drives itself," police said, pulling over the vehicle which can balance on-road driving needs with race-driving desires, incorporating the handling and aerodynamic lessons from losing control and flying off a cliff.

"Motoring enthusiasts must think they're not going to cause the extinction of the human race one of these days," police said.

"The really remarkable thing is their skulls are so big."

The 28-year-old male driver was charged with reckless driving, speeding in a dangerous manner and exceeding the speed limit by more than 45km/h.

The Sydney man said that he will be pursuing compensation.

"Isn't that what it's all about anyway?" Charles said, strapping himself into his cod-piece.

This will give you an idea of what a motoring enthusiast thinks about

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Posted By: Norm - Category: People

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MENTAL ILLNESS FACTORIES ROLL OUT PARANOID SERIES

September 21st 2010 22:55

Migrant Detention Centres of Australia (MDCA) have gone into full production of the top-of-the-range all luxury model of what Charles, Orble's Top Writer, is describing as, "guaranteed to blow up unexpectedly, killing hundreds."

The MDCA Paranoid Series handles any situation with unexplained noises and a concealed weapon, guaranteeing model citizens that they're going to get stabbed in the neck with their deckchair.

Former MDCA Managing Director Philip Ruddock believes the new paranoid range offers a new level of sophistication and continues the company’s long history of innovation.

"Everybody is out to get me and this just goes to show it," he said, peering out the window.

"You only have to look at the latest F-series of self-mutilation and suicide in detention centres around the country to realise that."

"For example, imagine a scenario. Your home is invaded by armed men. You jump the fence to escape. You jump into my backyard. You bang on the backdoor. You're scared for your life. What should I do?"

"I should probably say you're making it up."

"Or, at the very least ask you to knock politely on the front door."

You might say, "Excuse me, my home has been invaded. They're trying to kill me."

"I'll ask you to just wait out there, while we ascertain your credentials."

It's a scenario not lost on Orble's highly-credentialed 'Top Writer' Charles, cruising around in a people-mover full of displaced people, who added:

"Other unique features specific to the HSV E Series 3 includes reverse camera with rear park assist, sat-nav and touchscreen radio with iPod connectivity as standard."

"Don't touch that," he snapped, slapping a whole series of seekers of asylum on the hand as they tried to gain entry via the back door. "That's my special place."

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health

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Fart Juice, Now With Only 2% Fart!!!!

September 21st 2010 22:38

Coca-Cola, the refreshing taste of cancer in a can, is proud to announce the latest in a long line of lingering tastes.

Ever walked around smelling your own farts? Ever wished you could make the taste last longer? Ever seen a grown man naked?

Coca-Cola, bottling and sealing stimulating liquids since Renoir was a dirty Frenchman, now brings you the taste of Paris in a can.

Fart Juice, Now With Only 2% Fart, is the drink the French have been raising a glass to since they rolled over to the Germans.

Germans, humourless thigh-slappers, also enjoy drinking in the smell of their own tiny poo particles after getting crushed from all sides.

Fart juice, long held to have mystical qualities by ancient peoples, was first discovered to have mystical qualities by European settlers.

Coca-Cola, killing our kids like Crack-Cocaine kills theirs, has used all natural ingredients to give you that Fart Juice smile.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Food

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Sexual Harassment On The Increase In The Workplace

September 13th 2010 23:45

Sex-workers experience on average 84% more sexual harassment in the workplace than all other workers, according to a new study.

The new study, conducted by a homeless drummer, revealed that many workers are forced to have sex for money that they never see.

"You can be just standing there," one industry insider says, "and man after shit-faced man will put it to you in no uncertain terms."

"You'd have to say," the insider says, "that since I started working in the industry I've seen more dickheads than I'd care to mention."

Many workers in the industry experience the sort of harassment that professionals in other industries can only dream about.

"I was just minding my own business," 9 year-old "Suzy" says, "when I was sold into industry to pay for a new cow."

"Since then," she goes on to say, "I have met many businessman from industrialised country, and I would not spit on them for nothing."

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Money

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INTERNATIONAL BURN A KORAN DAY

September 7th 2010 23:42

INTERNATIONAL BURN A KORAN DAY IS COMING AROUND AGAIN AND EVERYONE IS WONDERING WHAT TO DO FOR THEIR FAMILY.

We bring to you, at a special International Burn A Koran Day price, the Koran, a box of matches and can of gasoline.

But wait, there's more!

Tell your neighbours how much you love them, by burning their house and children with a box of matches and a can of gasoline.

Still not convinced?

Likely to burst into flames at any moment, the Koran names our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ as a mere human being!

What's next, you ask?

International Burn A Female Eunuch Day is coming around again and your wives are starting to get a bit smart.

Don't get smart with me!

Be among the first to purchase your Koran, box of matches and can of gasoline and you could go in the draw to win TICKETS for your dream holiday to celebrate!!

Don't miss out on your limited opportunity!

As part of this SPECIAL PACKAGE, we are offering FREE tickets for you and your family to be part of our male-dominated society.

That's right. FREE!!

As a part of this male-dominated society, you will be able to burn your smart-mouthed wife's face with acid for absolutely nothing!!!

Caught your wife looking at another woman?

As part of this society, we will whip and stone your bra-burning bitch with good old fashioned rocks after a good soaking in burning acid so that you can be free to have more time with your goats.

But what do I have to do to be included in this society?

Grow some balls.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family

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