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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

Books - Consumption Malfunction

The Value of Human Life

February 15th 2010 00:24
From the moment we are conceived and sewn into our mother’s wombs, when two rockets missed their target on Sunday, we are loved and known by God, effectively giving him a veto over any decision.

Former racing commentator Sir Peter O'Sullevan called him "a very good mate" and said I particularly enjoyed reading his novels and found him a wonderfully efficient author.

Scripture teaches us that ''a gluttonous lifestyle'' was the climactic event of all of God’s creative work.

His works were also regularly featured in volumes of Reader's Digest condensed books.

He created each and every one of us in a small maroon-coloured vehicle in Ballarto Road, Frankston North.The value of life is down from 32 per cent 10 years ago. God made us in His image and menaced a woman in a terrifying incident.

He spent his final years in retirement in the Cayman Islands and his family said he "died of old age".

In fact, God sacrificed his only Son, weathered face and messy light brown hair, so that we could be saved from our sins, before driving away - hysterical screaming and all.

The next novel co-written with his son is due to be published in the autumn.

So, the next time you are feeling worthless or being labelled a pedophile you should turn to God and let Him comfort you, or go to crimestoppers.com.au.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said the Queen would be "saddened" by the news.

For more on how much God values human life - and three hours of good clean fun, sex attacks, robberies, assaults and weapon offences - here are some scriptures to read:
Genesis 1

They were all written in the first person and were meticulously researched and written in longhand.

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'I have nothing but my child. We cannot live like this'

January 23rd 2010 22:31
FILMMAKER Roman Polanski's wife has pleaded guilty to killing her much smaller boyfriend with a sock on the back of my head as part of a project to unlock some of the mysteries of her husband, who had chronic emphysema and is a bit like having a giant hot water bottle in your bed and a sock on the back of my head.

His mother Meryl was also shot, but is aged 86, 91 and 99, between January and June 2008, before travelling through time with her despite her Alzheimer's disease and dementia, but is expected to have given her champagne and drugs with a fractured leg and a profusely bleeding gash to his head.

Tired Of Ads Interrupting Your Life?
Mogadon.
www.mogadon.com

Are You Trapped Under The Rubble?
Two Knocks For Yes.
www.knock-knock.com

However, it is with sad regret that, after some 66 hours trapped under the head of a six-month-old baby, I'm definitely one of those people who says I've a crushed chest and lots of maggots, squid, yellow tail, octopus and nips, tucks and a child's neck muscles and ligaments, describing her as "amazingly talented" and I can't read next year's fiction, or even determine the future of the planet.

I don't think we've seen anything like weak cries coming from scavenging dogs and pigs, and I'm scared because passers-by and the postman, "unnatural" and "like they are both in considerable pain", used my shirt to tie my leg and do a backflip as a remedy for toothache, and these scumbags are writing nasty romantic comedies centred around crushed maggots.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Books, Nutty
   


Vatican defrocks exorcist archbishop who married God but rates the Bible

December 19th 2009 00:25
A dancing banana has been vomiting every 30 seconds and, demanding to be allowed to use the shower, did not commonly spark sexual hallucinations.

I think it would be impossible to have a good general education without at least some serious familiarity with the benzodiazepine midazolam or the opioid fentanyl, which was taken early this week.

There does not appear to be any proof that he was also wearing a dress when he was found impaled through the groin and escorted a nearby teller, this time with a hatchet, to church every Sunday.

And although 91 per cent believed he was the son of God, the side effects included acne, excess hair, breast pain, weight gain, insomnia, voice deepening, migraine and an evolutionary process ''guided by God''.

As a matter of policy, the banana industry feels passionately about calling Satan ugly, fat and bald before a priest and accounted for less than half of 1 per cent of those who said they were more popular than the Devil and stole five christmas gifts, one of which was a metal pole.

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Attacker who hurls statuette grossly inaccurate: Keith Windschuttle

December 14th 2009 23:25
Keith Windschuttle, a frontline warrior in the history wars, is wearing a blue baseball hat, blue shirt and pants, and carrying a shoulder bag/satchel and should be "being looked after."

Windschuttle, to be released next week, regularly drank alcohol while his mother - a migrant worker with a history of mental illness - was ordering dessert, providing her with bongs and cigarettes and kissed him on the lips, although men did tend to have more body hair.

After being convicted of forcing 22 school children into prostitution, Windschuttle, the stunned 73-year-old media mogul with a bloodied mouth, put out cigarettes in his ears and put his hands into a toaster.

Wearing only a fluffy blanket, Windschuttle tried to dig up anything, and is Caucasian, in his late 20's or early 30's, 170cm tall, tanned, athletic build with short brown messy hair. He was wearing a dark coloured round neck windcheater with black shiny track pants with two white stripes down the sides.

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Aussies 'will never go to heaven': review

December 3rd 2009 00:59
Homosexuals and transsexuals are fatter but are smoking less and the risky consumption of alcohol has remained stable over the past decade, a leading Roman Catholic cardinal said, which is a crime in the Muslim-majority country.

Cardinal Javier Lozano Barragan, who surrounded a house for hours only to find he was not inside, said that while the Church, and other potentially toxic chemicals, lived in an environment where they were unlikely to be poisonous insects.

Targeted also by powerful antibiotics, Cardinal Javier Lozano Barragan, described as a drug user and in a wheelchair, keeping his eyes mostly closed and moaning as he left the room, prepared to release SMS messages to prove it, conspiring to blow up the nation's only nuclear reactor and the power grid, which lives at the back of the human throat.

It hit the wall next to his head and a scuffle ensued in the audience - the weapon, identified as a cocktail waitress, missing his jugular vein by just 5mm - though a pest inspector had examined the car park not long before the attack, asking me to comment if there are aliens on Earth, scaring the family cat which was one of the world's most recognizable figures and had drug or alcohol addictions.



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Mobile Toilet Use Linked To Colon Cancer

October 28th 2009 00:37
New research has discovered a link between extended use of mobile toilets and colon cancer.

The new findings back up claims made by Friedrich Nietzsche in his ground-breaking attempt to build a shithouse.

Nietzsche, building on plans made by Arthur Schopenhauer, was backed up by a pile of shit.

Dig Up Old Nietzsches
We'll Show You The Family Plot. Give You A Spade.
You Do The Rest.
www.necrophilosophy.com

Learn More About Hegel
Or You Could Just Pour Wet Cement In Your Ear.
You Choose!
www.dial-a-bore.net

Get A Schopenhauer In Your Toilet Today!
For The Price You Might Expect To Pay For A Kick
In The Teeth!
www.a-mouth-full-of-it.org

He set to work on his ground-breaking sledgehammer after he realised his mobile was giving him a red and sore rear.

The last in a long line of people waiting to use the mobile, Nietzsche was preceded by Georg Hegel who was dying to go.

Hegel, the first in a long line of mobile users, opened the door for a long line that have already gone.
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God and Country: To Die For

July 3rd 2009 02:14
God and country, too fictional by far, have tricked enough people out there to throw their lives away for the promise of land or the promised land, according to some big prophets.

"If Islam isn't a superior religion to Christianity in every way," Mohammed said, sitting all over Jesus, "then there's no such thing as dying to go to heaven," he predicted, going to war.

Mohammed, a man on a mission, has spoken for the first time about the events he predicted would take place in the trenches of The Great War, that left an inedible impression on him.

"You had all these good Christian soldiers," he explained to a plastic Jesus, "and they just killed themselves for no reason on earth," he said, stomach turning. "Heaven's above."

Jesus, no stranger to killing himself, has spent a lifetime in "Hell" waiting for the day he could "return" to project himself upon others, thus enabling him to judge with extreme prejudice.

"I have returned," Jesus explained, melting hearts, "and I promise I won't kill myself," laughing John the Baptist's head off, he said, "A Suicidal Hero's Information Booklet" in hand.

God, a very promising writer of fictional texts, had a hand in the updated edition that just "killed them in The First World War", and predicted very big things for those dying to go.

"I can't hold it in anymore," God said, pissing himself. "I've about had it with the whole ungodly race," he explained about humans, "because they don't want my fiction in their lives."

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Austrian incest father Josef Fritzl suspected of grammatical errors

March 20th 2009 23:51
JOSEF Fritzl is likely to spend the rest of his life locked up in a psychiatric unit - but the full extent of his crimes may be yet to surface.

It is understood experts are convinced that the father of his grandchildren was also responsible for numerous grammatical errors.

In love-letters written to his daughter over the course of their tumultuos torrid affair, Fritzl made repeated and egregious mistakes, unforgivable really.

It is understood that he even made the mother of his grandchildren read books to his children that consisted of fewer than 20 pages.

The literary community has voiced its dismay at the news that Fritzl is planning to write an autobiography of his life while serving out his sentences.

Fritzl is planning to serve out his sentences while serving out his sentences because he doesn't know the basic rules enforced by our society.

The book is tentatively titled "Lock up your daughter's" and has the literary community confused about what possessions its author's daughter owns.

Fritzl explains that his daughter doesn't own anything and that he can't work out why anyone would think that she did.

"My daughter doesn't own anything and I can't work out why anyone would think that she did. If she does, I would have been the first to know," he explained.

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