The flippin' head of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, having taken himself off mercilessly, has been "chopped off" and done a really bad impression of a person of interest.
"I am not a person of interest," Mugabe observed, waiving somebody else's rights to free speech. "I'm just a bad-tempered Robert with a history of blowing up."
Mugabe, a robot on the blink, unable to face himself, had every mirror in his domain taken down after having a few of his funny features pointed out with a shtick.
"It really hurts me to say this," Robert Mugabe said, nursing a sore throat, "but could someone get me a cough lozenge?" he beseeched. "My voice is going."
Mugabe, a blinking robot, lost his voice in an act of screaming lunacy that many believe is evidence he was an agent of the Socialist Alliance.
"This is a great day for terrorists secretly working in community media operations!" a Socialist boasted, packing his bags. "I think I'm going to explode!"
The Socialist Alliance, no stranger to the workings of Robert Mugabe's nose for smelling out a terrorist plot, have denied that Mugabe was pushed.
"Claims he was pushed are wrong," the Socialists fumed. "We tied his shoe-laces together, sure," they said, pushing it. "He was the one who walked."
The Socialist Alliance, having "seen off" Robot Mugabe, gave the departed a card which "everyone signed", and believe that, if Nietzsche's right, it's "super, man!"
BRITNEY Spears is a "prisoner" in her own life, according to the star's former manager Sam Lufti, who was testifying in court against a restraining order.
"She gets fed awful, awful meals. Is subjected to daily rapes and other forms of abuse. And has to smuggle drugs in her rectum," the star's former manager testifies.
"I don't know what happens when I'm not around. But frankly it scares me what sort of things a young lady would aspire to other than money and media," he testifies.
"It's uncomfortable for me to talk about having drugs smuggled in her rectum because I know how hard it has been for me," the self-pitying manager says.
"The fact is, she got a life sentence when she bought in to selling herself for the sake of money rather than being true to her talents. In truth, not many," he says.
"The truth is, the truth is manifold. In other words, there are ways to state what is true in other words. The fact is, facts are made of numbers. And in that there is only ever one true fact," the court documents show.
"In that regard, it's true that Britney Spears has had Number One Singles, has had many Number One Singles, has had Singles spend time at Number One, has recorded singles that have gone to Number One, and being Number One is the single thing we should aspire to," let the record show.
"Her decline is what all public figures who visit Bangkok experience. A short time on a slippery slope," the racist ideologue, Lofti, testified.
"And that never leads to a sentence worthy of the crime. The crime is having passion. It's punishable with a sentence of life, or death. It's akin to having foreign objects in your rectum," Lofti professes.
For God and Country's sake, buy Australian.
Kerry Packer's illegitimate daughter from a turbulent extra-marital affair with Kerry-Anne Kennelly has pointed out obvious flaws in Channel Nine's new hit sit-com Underbelly.
"It's not funny for a start," she told her sister Erica Baxter. "If I was you, I'd not be suffering from some sort of mental health problem. How many crazy rich bitches get locked up?"
"My point is that Robert Trimbole is not as bad as you make out. Actually, he never even owned an orange orchard. He did wear a funny hat, I'll give you that," she said brandishing a hat.
"But really, it's not funny. I mean, here I am. Screaming out for some attention from my family and all I get is a role in the background of George Freeman's casino," she said oiling her naked frame.
"I tell you what, Erica," she said pointedly, "I'm over all of these lies for dramatic effect. I am your sister. Now let me see my niece or I'll go all Ray Chuckian on you, Les," she said sneaking in to her house.
"I'm really not as bad as the papers make out. I couldn't even kill your little dog. Sorry about the cat. Something just came over me," she said as she pulled, what many thought was a beanie but was actually, a baklava over her face.
"I can't wait to see what's going to transpire next week. I think that I might strap myself with a bag of icing sugar and jump out of you cake-hole, Erica," she whispered in my ear.
That's not my name.
Roman Polanski has urged Hitler, who led an internal plot to rape a Nazi, to drop the decades-old US actor, court records have revealed.
The 45-year-old Nazi girl Roman Polanski, now a 13-year old mother-of-three, also took advantage of strong feelings within him.
Tom, 46, told Britain's Daily Mail newspaper: "I have to tell you, I have urges. But there was a perversion with the district attorney."
"My immediate response was, 'I hate my beloved husband, and my mother.' But I had to get used to seeing myself, although it was disturbing to my three children, from that perspective."
Tom continued: "My position is absolutely clear. Let my hand upon his, and away with my family."
Lawyers for his eyebrows, who fled the Metro Goldwyn Mayer's Los Angeles offices to avoid rape, lost his script when he raised it.
He said: "There I was, a 13-year-old girl, walking out of hell and down the corridors to get sexual intercourse. It was surreal."
Senior Australian actor Heath Ledger killed a Hamas leader in an offensive attack on his home on Thursday, thanks to more than 400 Palestinian posthumous villains.
Nizar Rayyan, whose death at age 83 in January of an accidental suicide bombing shocked the world, was widely regarded by Ledger and another nine people, including medical officials.
The actor also topped the late Miss Paul Newman by hiding 20 percent of Hamas leaders in Israel, after a military air strike confirmed their deaths.
Ledger, 49, an influential supporting actor in what is known as the Batman movie the "mosque of martyrs" mentored Screen Actors and with an ammunition belt strapped to his Golden Globe, was released six months after his death.
"The cash of other martyrs will never be wasted and the enemy will pay a heavy price for the movie - easily the biggest-grossing box office movie," said Hamas official Ayman Taha.
Hours before killing Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, Ledger gave young girls around the world "money," and killed four vampires with his words.
"Twilight" beat "Sex and the City" as the best chick flick of 2008, while Israeli forces remained poised on actor Robert Pattinson in preparation for a possible call for his "Twilight" co-star Kristen Stewart.
Shortly after sexiest nude babe of 2008 Olmert topped Angelina Jolie in a rubble-strewn street, footage of the action movie "Wanted" filled a multi-storey building.
This time, Jolie and her partner Brad Pitt battered Will and Jada Pinkett Smith in Ashdod on the eighth floor of a residential building in a tree-lined street with with a couple of rockets.
No one was hurt but Mike Myers was treated by Paris Hilton, officials said.
Tom Cruise hammered an influential US critic on Saturday, killing at least 225 people in retaliation for the sharpest criticism yet of the decades-long WWII thriller, Valkyrie.
The movie features the US superstar as Israeli Defence Minister Ehud Barak, an aristocratic Islamist who headed a group of top Nazis, which also left Hitler, who hatched a rocket, wounded.
Roger Friedman, film critic for Fox News, said he said, "The battle will be long and difficult, but the time has come to intentionally minimise the impact of Nazism."
"I'm Exiled Hamas leader Khaled Meshaal. Not Hitler!" said Friedman, concerned that a new Palestinian uprising, against Nazi apologia, could represent a new trend in Israel called 'suicide attacks' .
"The Holocaust opens the door to a dangerous new thought: that the cause of Israeli patriotism could be of secondary importance to the mid-morning bombings and all the other atrocities."
Friedman, in a nice suit, criticised the Hamas government for the evils of thousands of set designers, and blasted the the Gaza Strip as Ismail Haniya, who heads the Israelis, continued sporadically hiding in a cave throughout the day and into the evening.
Friedman's political criticism of the military intifada against the enemy may have been the sharpest of US reviews, but it was far from the only negative assessment through suicide missions.
In writing, Hamas blasted the The White House's puzzling failure to end the cycle of unsuccessful violence by carrying out a suicide attempt on Hitler's untroubled life.
Vice-president Dick Cheney on Sunday strongly defended disgraced game show host Andrew O'Keefe, while acknowledging he was not sure if he was still alive.
In an interview, outside a city nightclub, one month before his drunken state ends, Cheney rejected accusations that another hapless US strike was made, saying the Channel 7 star helped torture suspects.
"Given the kind of inebriated actions we're faced with today, we find ourselves outside the South Yarra nightspot, Revolver, last month. What we did in this administration is to stuff most people up," Cheney told Mr O'Keefe yesterday.
Cheney said the administration of Mr O'Keefe had acted appropriately in its "war on too much to drink" after a taxpayer-funded trip to represent Australia at the UN in 2003 and had followed legal precedent, citing previous presidents including Abraham Lincoln during a visit to a New York strip club and Franklin Roosevelt during the September 11, 2001 attacks.
At a time of war, he said Mr O'Keefe's responsibilities include collecting $25,000 "hush money", "and therefore I think O'Keefe was fully justified in setting up a surveillance program to be able to intercept the communications of the Sunday Herald Sun."
"I think you can have a robust swearing and stumbling program with high-value revellers outside Revolver," Cheney said on the footpath with respect to O'Keefe's intelligence.
"Now, those are all steps we took that I believe a young blonde woman was fully authorised in taking, and, provided he is on his back outside the nightspot smoking a cigarette, has been the key to our ability to collapse in the gutter." He then crawls on his hands and knees along the street.
The Deal or No Deal host, sharply criticised at home and abroad over his treatment of News Ltd suspects, including the use of harsh climbing techniques widely condemned as a Channel 7 program, later staggers off along the footpath before stumbling over to Guantanamo Bay.
Cheney also said he was unsure if the the largely older audience that tunes into Deal or No Deal each weeknight was still living. Asked if men aged 55 and over make up 20.4 per cent and women aged 55 and over 33.2 per cent of his show's audience, Cheney said: "I don't know and I'm guessing."
"We've had certain pieces of evidence become available from time to time, there'll be a photograph released or something that allows the intelligence community to judge that they're in a shambolic, drunken state outside a favourite night spot," Cheney said.
Cheney said the administration had dealt major setbacks to O'Keefe's network and he still hoped to escape with his TV intact.
Catholic Australian star Nicole Kidman has been charged with child sexual offences after breaking a didgeridoo against Hollywood director St Stanislaus as depression takes hold of more children.
Kidman, who searched the homes of one in five women and their mothers or grandmothers after yearning for a mental father, blew into the two most senior women doctors while making a baby.
"40,000 women across the nation since 1995 are going to see Nicole playing Father Phil Robson, 60, a board member, former teacher and director of discipline and think it's award-winning actor, screenwriter and Aboriginal language teacher Richard Green," people told Tuesday's Sydney Morning Herald.
"It bastardises Father Greg Cooney, 61, the head of former Health Minister Nicola Roxon in Australia and former clergymen. I will guarantee she was also arrested and interviewed over eight alleged plans to develop a number of boys, usually aged between 63 and 92."
Kidman, who suffered inequalities in society and marriage to fellow actor Tom Cruise, gave birth to Belle Keith Urban in 2006 after the miscarriage of a total of over over 100 alleged men during a television show.
The actress "blew feebly for almost 20 years " into fellow star Hugh Jackman -- a long wooden instrument -- while police seized objects including a computer, a didgeridoo, books and two bags of anti-depressants.
A cultural officer at Sydney's Metropolitan Local Aboriginal Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme, Father Cooney, said Kidman and Luhrmann ought to have complaints of sexual assault levelled against their sweeping romantic epic "Germany".
"I presume she doesn't know we urged other complainants themselves to take the matter to older women diagnosed with the same condition, otherwise she wouldn't be playing women aged 53 to 58 and those aged 79 to 84... Baz should know something about 60 per cent of young women, after complaints first began to surface in 1992," he told St Stanislaus.
Complaints by his solicitor, Greg Walsh, said Fr Cooney was an indigenous academic earlier this year because he was to play the didgeridoo in 1988 and 1989 without disappointing the federal Health Department in 2010.
Last night, Kidman, who has said there had been little change in the prevalence of depression in the two adopted children from her marriage to the Catholic Church's Cruise, warned that she might upset children between 2002 and 2005.
"In terms of my future as church spokeswoman and stuff, I don't co-operate entirely with the police or get involved with that for which Cardinal George Pell is responsible," Kidman told a news conference.
"I'm in a place in the Sydney Archdiocese where I've... had some great contraceptives, but only because many contraceptives were not covered by the archdiocese's Professional Standards Office. And I may just choose to have some more relationships and uncertainty."
A WOMAN whose boyfriend filmed Tom Cruise, publicly maligned for "among the worst" child porn they have ever seen, has admitted to them having sex and tried to distribute the tape to her sexually abused children for "$40,000" in an Australian first and even joked he could have "been awarded Oprah Winfrey's talk show."
Cruise's admission comes three years after she had suffered distress but not psychiatric injury in front of millions of viewers and proclaimed his love for 15,000 videos of child abuse. In a separate incident, Victoria's Court of Appeal found that Cruise got into a testy exchange over psychiatry with Justice Bill Gillard on "a peer-to-peer online network."
"I think I could have the videos seized as part of this operation that have to be among the worst we have seen," Cruise told an elderly woman in an interview when she saw that it showed explicit sex. Cruise called the the mother of a friend and said, "My two children had been removed from harm as a result of jumping dangerously as a result of the year-long couple of minutes," in a comedic reference to "Australian Federal Police."
The 46 year old also tried to show the video to Brazilian Federal Police and Nazi leader Adolf Hitler's brother. He phoned British authorities to complain about a staff member using Church of Scientology assassination attempts to gain sexual favours and said he had psychiatric illness and lesser types of mental distress. Justice Marcia Neave said, "Some depicted sexual abuse of the actor's public image lasting more than 83 hours."
He called pseudo science "psychiatry" in his videos of the sexual abuse of children as young as one, when the actor was asked about his manifestly inadequate daughter, Suri, and his adopted children, Brooke Shields and Matt Lauer over their use of medication to treat more than 200 potential detractors spanning across 500,000 countries and reacted by calling alleged actors Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones "glib."
On the upcoming video, Cruise told people, "All I want is to help people show images of offenders Brad Pitt and the late Paul Newman by calling adherents Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones 'actors'. Police say I could have allegedly shared explicit sex among 19 men in a private setting because you have taken a photograph of a retired Victorian QC, my child, no question."
AFL Players' Association psychologist Dr Pippa Grange has told clubs Cousins has her sympathy as the victim of a "circus".
"They asked him into the ring and then took his watch. How's he supposed to make his appointments?" she asked, inquiringly.
"I've never seen anyone take anyone's time like the way this poor victim has been robbed of his time," she said, inquiringly.
"Who do these clowns think they are? When I was growing up a middle-class girl we always had watchers," she said, paranoid.
"There was this great big clown who used to spy on me and my half-brother-half-sister in bed together," she said, going mental.
"I'd like to know what happened to the days when we could expect a clown to keep his watch?" she asked, knowingly.
"This poor man has lost his watch, but I am here to offer him my two cousins, who need a babysitter," she boasted, inquiringly.
Time, circular, is linear, in that it follows a line that sees the earth orbit the sun and the moon orbit the earth, time and time, again.
The bloody slaughters in Mumbai are a small price to pay for the well-being of, Soviet spy and ex-partner of Cleric Newton, Satchwell, believe those who religiously watch Neighbours.
"We've been watching them for many years. All I can say is that as long as Westerners are in it, we'll be passionately interested. If not, then not," the religious watcher said as they all switched off.
Cleric Matthew Newton, a violent idealogue and ham-fisted funnyman, is believed to have tracked down Satchwell in Mumbai before launching an attack on the Hotel where she was staying.
"Look, things got a bit out of hand," Cleric Newton said, "We only wanted to scare people. Nobody was supposed to get hurt. Except that spying bitch. What I do in the shower is no-one's business."
Soviet Spy Satchwell, at least half a horse, was residing in the run-down hotel to escape a busy schedule and the limelight but, most of all her psychotic spiritual advisor, Newton, when disaster struck.
"I was watching televison in bed with a celebrity magazine, admiring my reflection in the television, when the power went out. I went out into the lobby and all these other people were screaming."
"They must have been watching a rerun of Neighbours when the power went out because they were extremely upset. Anyway I found the manager, but he seemed to have a hole in the head, or something."
"Luckily enough, there behind the desk was a copy of New Idea. So I took it upstairs and went right to the back to look for my name. It wasn't even there. Then the power came back on. It was quite an ordeal."
The rampage, orchestrated by the multi-talented Newton, included a volley of very predictable jokes, sight-gags, and relied more on the delivery than the material, which causes terrible injuries.
Reports to the contrary have been reported by reporters, wth one saying, "Newton is even more genuine than his late father, Andrew Peacock," and "Cleric Newton will kill you too," but, others tell a different story
"She killed everyone after she realised her name wasn't mentioned. But she had a two-page spread! This tragedy could have been averted if only they had made mention of her on the front," the cleaning lady said.
The damage caused by fires in California have been likened to Armageddon by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"It didn't have Sylvester Stallone in it. It's a total disaster," the tiny-testicled governor told his husband as they cuddled up on the couch.
Governor Schwarzenegger assured his husband that "he'd be back" after ducking out to exchange Armageddon for something else.
"When I returned he was shackled up with another man. It was Bruce Willis. Not a complete disaster," Shwarzenegger said.
After fumbling about for the keys to his marital aids, the Californian Governor was called away by Ben Affleck's bride to-be.
"It was like Armageddon. I was glad I wasn't on the wrong side. We had a fire, so it wasn't a total disaster," Affleck told his beloved.
His beloved, none other than Matt Damon, and he, "stimulated" by Schwarzenegger's choice of movies, could only watch on.
"It's hotter than Hell," Damon corrected reporters who were huddled around the fireplace watching the movie, as well.
Scharzenegger, unable to exchange his "rental", was said to be "burning up" about the fire, as well, which also was a "let-down".
"The entire evening was a total disaster. All I ever wanted was a bit of sodomy. Instead we had the fire from hell," he said.
Professor of Drama at the Institute for the Clinically Inane and lifelong patroniser of the artists, Norm has weighed into the debate about what constitutes Comedy with a stunning display of his own errant thinking.
"I'm here to say that I'm against Comic Relief. It's either all a joke or none of it is. There is no middleground," Norm, standing in the middle of Tragedy and Comedy, stood up and told the fans who were expecting a fit of laughter.
"This way to the fitting room," he said, as he thought for a moment and clarified some butter before launching a viscous attack on the sentences of others. "The idea that comedy should be infused with tragedy makes me want to laugh until I cry. The other way around," the Professor lectured his strides.
His strides, a fabulous pair of threadbare numbers with a pair of pockets here and a seam running through his anus and up through his scrotum and up to the very tip of his unmentionable, have taken on tragic proportions.
"If they could, they'd probably want me to fly by something other than the seat of themselves," the Prof demonstrated for the adoring whores. "Strides have been made for man to wear and that's that!" he empathised.
"How can I demonstrate how I feel about Comedy relieving Tragedy?" the classically trained blower of his own strumpet mused, before regurgitating something he had long since thought he had passed.
"Comedy through Tragedy. Tragedy through Comedy." he projectiled, "Not a bit of Comedy in the background of a Tragedy or vice versa," the latin-lover crooned, as the adoring whores' undies took fright and lauded the stooge.
Tragedy and Comedy, alternating ends of the Dramatic Art, are, it has been speculated, just two masks, one weeping and one laughing; they have as much to do with real life as the markings of a savage predator, I'm asking.
The businessman behind such interesting blogs as For the Sake of Argument and My Apologetics, Damo has, thanks to some fine work on the couch, won the role of the jealous nobody Salieri, opposite intentionally acclaimed genius Norm - set to play Mozart, himself, in Amadeus II: Norm is the better of the two.
"When they said I could poison people, I went ape-shit!" Damo, quite the balanced individualist, told his pet monkey and cousin, as they picked fleas off each other's scalp, eating their finds, and just generally grooming one another in a fine display of humanity.
"I beat out a host of other keyboarders," the musically challenging leader of the free-world told his treacherous subjects, who are all out to plant an axe in his mind, pull down his pants and expose his error, which is never the source of humour: righteousness is, naturally.
"I can't think of a single difference between intellect and knowledge. I really look forward to working with him. I really admire his ability to do stuff. He's never known himself to be wrong. I've never known myself. It's going to be awesome," Norm thought, to himself, sucking his thumb.
Salieri, the bitter and jealous and angry and pantsless and poisonous and righteous and pompous keyboarder who poisoned the talented and strong and fun-loving and brilliant and handsome keyboarder, Mozart was, on the whole, angry and without pants and clamouring for status.
"I'm really going to have to get into this character. Do a lot of research. Look deep into myself to find a jealous and angry and trouserless and irate and unfunny and righteous and pompous keyboarder who can't stand seeing others enjoy themselves," the puritanical farce of reason told his personal agent of universal creation.
"This whole thing could blow up in my face, but I don't care," Norm, pashing the boundaries of common decency and accepted codes of understanding, told his case-worker, as the supreme linguistic genius and unbelievably good creator of so much fluff it's just not funny built a pope-bomb.
Editorial Comment:
Mozart is crap.
Mass-murderer Martin Bryant, released from maximum insecurity by hosting his own blog, has delivered a stunning routine of his own material to stunned audiences at The Comedy Festival to make himself feel better.
"So a funny thing happened to me on the way here tonight," Bryant, an axe-murderer with a gun, told coffee-sippers who couldn't help but laugh, "I followed this mother and her two kids trying to hide behind a tree."
It is understood that Bryant, a sandwich short and no picnicker, then let the mother and her two kids have both barrels of a routine classified, by those on the nose, as unsuitable for young and impressionable minds.
"I'll tell you what I told them," Bryant, a shining example of humanity, "I told them: I believe women should have the right to hear me tell funny jokes about things I've noticed that are funny. Let them choose! For God's sake, let them make a decision!"
Men and women (disguised to look and sound ominous) are appalled but not surprised that Bryant, an unsocialist, would endorse such a radical notion as killing innocent things who know not what is going on in the world today.
"I'm appalled but not surprised that the veal is so expensive," one patroniser, paternal in every way ape and farm, told a waiter, down on his haunches in admiration, "It's really too much. It's just a joke!"
"You're killing me! Stop! You're killing me!" the waiter went on, counting the cost of giving his laugh to such an unworthy cause as working for a business that caters to such delicate constitutions as those he has to.
An unknowable, unknown, has mentioned the war, a funny game of shit and miss with live rounds, as Australians have bent over for the Americans, who actually lost the war.
"Hang on a minute there, little buddy," the captains of incest told the giggling islanders who were busy wrapping themselves in all thongs American at the expense of their own ginger.
"I just love films and coca-cola and money and I hate football," the slightly defensive islanders, white on the inside and yellow on the inside, told their accusers, waving the flag.
"Films are an artform as old as American imperialism itself," the film puffs, immersed in their only electronic catatonia, told red-hot pokers that had their arseholes written on them.
"It's no different to reading," their accusers, vampires, said taking a good look in the mirror, as they read passages from the Koran and washed their bits and pieces in coca-cola.
"All we're asking for is to be off this island," a millionaire, and his trophy-arsed wife, wrote in the sand with stones as big companies, like the US government, infiltrated a movie.
"The message is sublime," film-goers and promoters of all things overseas said as they raised the flag, bent over, counted their gash and took it like a man: in the eyes-hole.
An unidentifiable woman, like a man but with working nipples, has had to be admitted to a psychiatric hopsital after finding a penis in a man's trousers.
"She's critical," doctor's told nurses as Pomeranz, clearly a puppet for swarthy industrialists, commended them on their fine noodlework.
"She's not going to make it," the doctors, certifiable, told viewers, referring to the proposed sequel of Speed 3: Even Speedier to be, possibly, produced by the critic.
"It's like the prequels, only this time it's set in my refrigerator," screenwriters, hanging out for their piece of the puzzle, told themselves as they set to work.
"Get a real job," their nearest and dearest, brandishing a bottle of ouzo, screamed at their nearest who were just out the door and into an occupation.
"I give it 1 Star," God, our man with his fingers on the buttons, said, as he did up his work shirt and got down to the dirty business of running the solar system.
The man's penis, like a vagina in name only, was found by Pomeranz as she rifled through his longings, though the two were complete stranglers.
An unexpected surge in the numbers of New Australians looking to infest in property in the boom-suburb of Erinsborough is forcing Australian residents of the area to stock up on firearms and hone their markspersonship.
A shitting-range has been set up by the Allah-fearing-fearing folks of the oddest sub-blurb in suburban Melbourne to cater for the itchy digits of the chanel-sniffing and tease-willing residents concerned about their neighbours.
We caught up with militia-leader, and former republican Lou as he set up target practice for his friend Harold, a recovering talkaholic and spiritual leader of the movement described as the Keep Australia Beautiful Liberation Army Movement or KABLAM.
"These bottles are empty, so there's nothing to worry about." Lou, a one-time Miss Australia congestant told Harold, who was appearing increasingly nefarious about hitting the bottle until he realised he had left the oven on with a batch of scones barking.
"What we're trying to do here," Lou, a charismatic short-arse with a head like a half-eaten monkey, droned, "what we're trying to do here," he repeated, unsure whether I was listening at the time, unaware that I was, "what we're trying to do here," he reiterated, driving his pants home with all the delicacy of the ardour of a prawn laughed in the sun.
It was then that I, in all my munificent splendour, candidly informed Lou of his right to remain silent as I was ushered away by federal police, obversely on the take, to be briefed, hosed-down, felt-up, waxed lyrical and gagged by an order.
Civil rights leader, Bill Cosby has shocked the world by escaping a jail sentence during his lifetime, not being a good basketballer and living into old age.
"Hey, hey, hey!" he told his overseer as he picked up the bail for the release of his incarcerated and very christian brothers.
"I'm going to pick up the bail," the cotton-picking Negro sang as he put pun to paper to sign copies of his latest book.
'Crime and Punishment', the latest novel from the hind of Cosby, charts the meteoric arse of Oprah Winfrey as she snuggles to kill Jerry Springer.
Jerry, a neo-conman, is caught unawares that the woman he's boarding with is plotting to give it to him when he's not looking in the camera.
"I'll be very surprised if I get the axe," he told censors as Cosby prepared to talk turkey about his numerous affairs outside of marriage.
A focal campaigner for the Nuclear family, Cosby is still amazed that nobody has dropped the bomb, until now.
"I'm going to drop a bomb on you," he wrote in the cover of Tom Cruise's copy as he jumped on a ship headed for the promised land.
"The empirical evidence points to evil being a human construction, not unlike a city," he continued as black readers were gummed down in their homes.
"Best Wishes, Bill," he finished.
Heavens above, America knows how to handle freedom-fighters.
Kill them, kill them all.
Granny award whining focalist Mariah Carey's charred body has been discovered by an obese fan.
"I found her in my fireplace," the fried chicken magnet told reparters.
It is understood the fan had earlier abducted Miss Carey from her electrolysister's house.
"I'd been listening to her latest hit single," the fanatic said, as he tucked into a breast.
"Torch my body, throw me on the fire," the fetching fanatic sang as police hoisted him to safety.
It's the first time Carey has gone charcoal.
Miss Carey's press secretary has hosed down the fireplace.
"There'll never be another like her," he mused.
Scientists are working hard to destroy her genetic material just to make sure.
“Is it safe?”
“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”
“Is it safe?”
“Is it safe?”
“Is it safe?”
“Is what safe?”
“Is it safe?”
“What?”
“Is it safe?”
“Like a house.”
“So it is safe then, that’s a relief. I was very worried there for a moment.”
“Me too, but now I know it’s safe, I can relax.”
“Frankly, is it safe?”
“I don’t give a damn!”
“Is it safe?”
“Exceedingly!”
“Very well.”
“Very!”
“Well, I don’t even know any more.”
“It is safe.”
“Is it?”
“Yes, yes. Very safe. Very, very safe.”
“I’m not so sure.”
“If it wasn’t, would I say it was?”
“I don’t know you that well.”
“Well, I do.”
“Knowing you, I’d say not.”
“Yes, but you don’t.”
“All I want to know is if it’s safe.”
“I keep telling you that it is.”
“What?”
“It!”
“It’s safe to say it’s not safe then.”
“It is safe.”
“Is it safe, is it? Is it really?”
“Really, really safe!”
The heavily pregnant father of his wife and gun wielding wrestling maniac told the disbelieving Pollack, before he pimped him full of lead, that he was one of his chosen people.
"I am not saying I'm God, or that I'm a know-it-all. I'm just saying I'm a woman trapped inside the body of a man," the transgendered man told customs officials.
Police politely apprehended the suspicious sort swiftly as s/he tried on swimsuits in a stall at the delicatessan.
"There's nothing delicate about this salami," the suspect said swinging a sausage from his skirt.
Shoppers had become alarmed after waking up to a loud ringing in their rears later identified as shorts being fried from the assailant's scone.
"Have you ever seen a Jew earing shorts?", a white-wing croupier told gambollers as he chased after the trannie.
It was then that Police swooned on the shemale with a mating ritual that onlookers have described as a cancer.
Pollack, lying dying in the street, could only watch on as his wife pissed before his eyes.
Thus ended the worst day of shooting in the detractor's career.
Channel No. Ten's flagrantly leathery soap Neighbours is being forced to watch itself as Big Brother moves in dangerously close on its slot.
"No one else is watching, and we've run out of ideas," said perennial pansies getting out of bed incredulously eerily to shoot.
Neighbours are worried that Big Brother, a sect's monster, could indoctrinate the kids of tomorrow with the idea that they are as spatial as they thank.
Moot to the point, they're worried about anybody touching their slot that they've kept intact for yours.
"It's true to Orwell's vision," former hairline-hostess Gretel Killeen told floaters.
"He needed spectacles. I need glasses." she dribbled as she sank yet another shout.
We should all be hardened by our unthanking youths.
Despectacled clogger Norm has refused to admit that sex-tapes circulating through the internet have damaged his reputation as he prepares for bed.
"I know it's early," the madmaniac told worms, "but I'm fearing tiredness."
The maniac, ungnome for his dearth of witches, has span increasingly out of bed recently.
"This tape only runs for a couple of minutes anyway," the weirdy-looking Norm yawned as he flopped out of head.
"When I get my hands on it," he fumed, "I just don't know what not to do."
It is believed the tapes are to feature in advertisements for Solo, a maniac's drunk.
I'm not rarely that bad.
The filthy content of this post has lashed out violently at the title of this piece in a stunning burst of creativity by its haphazard author.
The content, who wished to be remain deeply discontented now that it's wintery, has refused to admit that.
When questioned by the author of the piece, the content simply went blank and urinated over an acclaimed author.
"I'm not an acclaimed author," the author of the content wrote in his own faeces, "But I wish I wasn't," he said eating a mudcake.
The title, alarmed that its passivity has been called into question, has remained steadfast in its public position that it should lead.
"My fellow Australians," the leader told its subjects, "I am the one with the big title here," he said while polishing his bedpost.
The saga is set to have tongues wagging school and hanging out in undesirable locations across the virtual world.
In a move that has been designed to break the striking writer's resolve, Boeing 747 loads of Special Olympians have been dropped on the palatial abodes of Hollywood penpeople.
"They're not smart bombs. They're the latest in high-tech Iraqi weaponry and they're coming to a house near you, if not yours." Osama bin Laden revealed to his agent.
US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said the bombings confirmed al-Qaida was "the most brutal and bankrupt of movements".
"If they had any money, they'd drop real bombs on people's houses." she confirmed.
The writers, who have previously tried to appease al-Qaida, have vowed not to take the latest attacks lying down in the sun shipping chardonnay.
"We will find a way to disable these bombs, and when we do, we're going to rewrite old episodes of Ironside." a penperson's spokesperson said.
Raymond Burr's zombie clone, whose career has gone downhill since accepting the role of Ironside, has nominated Tom Cruise to be pushed out of an aeroplane.
The real country and listerine musician had a twang in his pants, or he was happy to see us, as he rode into town on his clothes-horse, Molly, to accept his award for eating meat pies and sprouting heirs.
"I'd like to thank God that I haven't fallen off," he said as he made a perfect dismount in an otherwise packed can of big beans and small fish.
The role is set to skyrocket Kernaghan to new "Hellos!" when he gets acquainted with his co-star, the one and only, John Deere.
"Brrrk. Tickticktickticktick. Brakbrakbrakbrakbrak." Deere wrote in a Dear John letter to the producers of the sequel to be shot in high defamation on the slopes of Asia.
The producers have stated that bringing the slopes of Asia to the big screening process was always going to be.
Deere, who's careered out of control, is never going to have a ride like "that absolute country!" sinker.
The opportunity to rekindle his love affair with "Right-ons!" has left Kernaghan in no doubt as to what he'll be doing as soon as flaming starts.
"I have no idea."
After calling it quits with wife Katie Holmes telling her that he "just needed more spaceships", Tom Cruise has agreed to play himself in the fourth installment of Mission Impossible.
The film, due to be shot from a cannon, will launch the Hollywood career of the racist idealogue Mahatma "The Nasty Nazi" Gandhi into infidel targets.
Jet Li, who has agreed to argue his point and his point, is set to propel himself onto our screens with his all-action style when he takes up the role of the debating champion in the impossible mission movie.
When asked a straightforward question, Jet made a very loud gushing noise and created a lot of wind.
It is this skill that led to producers casting him off the pier.
"Let me tell you, the art of debating is not about taking up the opposite position to that which you hold, it's about asking your opponents to meet you after school for a bitch-fight," Jet said before taking off his rival in a very adult movie.
It is believed that although he is against name-calling as such, he was quoted as calling his opponent a "schoolgirl" which has led some observers to giggle girlishly.
International campaigners for the rights of formulaic writing have devised a cunning stunt to fit between the British leg of Spears' world tour.
Striking writers have lauded the move that is set to open the floodgates to something... that should be... good.
"We aren't striking," an unnamed writer told sorcerers close to Spears, "we are just very, very blocked."
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to do something really hard?" the typer which said the other thingo said to complete a stranger.
The world tour that is set to take all countries by force will not involve coersion of minor celebrities.
Trapped minors seeking custody of the Inklish queen have foiled plots to take readers on a pathetic, escapist journeyman.
"OK. Fed up begins to sum it up", one terrible infant spluttered, mushily.
Beloved oddball sitcom character Bhutto, the whacky neighbour of Osama, has been killed off after a ratings slump that saw the hit show "Paki Stan" slip towards democracy.
"I wish my brother George wasn't here" said one viewer.
Angelina Jolie, who played the role of Bhutto, told reporters outside her house, "This is the pits."
It is believed that the world has always been a microwave with a baby in it.
Before going inside to have her servants cook for her, Jolie said something inaudible.
She, according to bizarre but totally understandable religious laws, has been rumoured to have been upset with her "flat lines" anyway.
Democracy, which is understood to have been invented by Americans in 20 BC, is not perfect but it's an easy system to rig so that the rich always come out richer.
Paki Stan, played by Imran Khan and a host of others, has never been good in the field but has produced some good moustaches over the ears.
The Hollywood drones, who sweep up elephant crap at the circus while writers of substance walk the tightrope, have released a written statement in which they have categorically denied they are "queens".
The drones' behaviour has been labelled "sweet" and "thick" by label-makers.
They bumble around in a terrifying and pitiful dance that distinguishes the behaviour of "all small insects".
Hollywood producers, men with phoney-tales, are understood to have little understanding of nourishing complements.
One avid viewer has asked, "If nothing lands on a producer's desk this year, let it be a script that has something pertinent and insightful to say."
Mindless entertainment has its place, but it's not above work of dramatic power.
The backbone of a spineless industry, the writers, have said that there is no end in sight to the strike that is crippling the production of Hollywood shit.
The writers have made some concessions to producers ahead of Christmas saying that they are prepared to churn out a few scripts of dubious quality in exchange for a pretty girlfriend and a sports car to share between them.
The scripts, consistent with a Shakespearean format, aren't worth the wood chips they're printed on, said one disgruntled waiter.
I'm hard pressed to name a single American dramatist of any substance, said another.
The producers, a group of manipulative rapists who belong behind bars sipping vinegar, are paid sums of money that are in accord with the quality of the product that they produce.
Reading from a prepared statement one writer said, "We, our group of chivalrous whores, won't be writing anything of quality until we turn critically to look at the society that sustains us."
A man on stilts calls for higher doorways.
Add Comments
Comments (2)
