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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

Entertainment - Consumption Malfunction

Richard Pratt facing the Clink

June 21st 2008 03:03
The upstanding businessman

The millionaire businessmaniac, philanderer, and grovel threated frontman for iconoclastic cardboard band Cold Cheezel has sung for the first time about his date with bumbling officers.

"I'll be going in for the soft-cell," the blues sinker told adoring fanatics.

It is understood he is basing his prediction on the harsh treatment planted out to other high-floundering rorters like Glenn Wheatley.

"By the time they charge me, I'll already be dead!" the laughing Pratt told worried infestors.

The charges stem from planted evidence found in the cardboard hoarders blank pockets.

Good friends have sullied around the ageing sinker as he prepares for beddy-byes.

Good night, nerves.

I know.

Nothing.

Nothing!
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment, Scrambled, Sweet, Nutty
   


Mariah Carey's burnt remains found

June 1st 2008 02:28
Granny award whining focalist Mariah Carey's charred body has been discovered by an obese fan.

"I found her in my fireplace," the fried chicken magnet told reparters.

It is understood the fan had earlier abducted Miss Carey from her electrolysister's house.

"I'd been listening to her latest hit single," the fanatic said, as he tucked into a breast.

"Torch my body, throw me on the fire," the fetching fanatic sang as police hoisted him to safety.

It's the first time Carey has gone charcoal.

Miss Carey's press secretary has hosed down the fireplace.

"There'll never be another like her," he mused.

Scientists are working hard to destroy her genetic material just to make sure.





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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment, Grilled, Sour, Corny
   


Gone with the Marathon Man

June 1st 2008 01:18
“Is it safe?”
“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”
“Is it safe?”
“Is it safe?”
“Is it safe?”
“Is what safe?”
“Is it safe?”
“What?”
“Is it safe?”
“Like a house.”
“So it is safe then, that’s a relief. I was very worried there for a moment.”
“Me too, but now I know it’s safe, I can relax.”
“Frankly, is it safe?”
“I don’t give a damn!”
“Is it safe?”
“Exceedingly!”
“Very well.”
“Very!”
“Well, I don’t even know any more.”
“It is safe.”
“Is it?”
“Yes, yes. Very safe. Very, very safe.”
“I’m not so sure.”
“If it wasn’t, would I say it was?”
“I don’t know you that well.”
“Well, I do.”
“Knowing you, I’d say not.”
“Yes, but you don’t.”
“All I want to know is if it’s safe.”
“I keep telling you that it is.”
“What?”
“It!”
“It’s safe to say it’s not safe then.”
“It is safe.”
“Is it safe, is it? Is it really?”
“Really, really safe!”
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment, Poached, Sweet, Corny
   


Transgendered man murders Sydney Pollack

May 27th 2008 13:19
The heavily pregnant father of his wife and gun wielding wrestling maniac told the disbelieving Pollack, before he pimped him full of lead, that he was one of his chosen people.

"I am not saying I'm God, or that I'm a know-it-all. I'm just saying I'm a woman trapped inside the body of a man," the transgendered man told customs officials


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Monsters move in on Neighbours

May 4th 2008 00:37
Channel No. Ten's flagrantly leathery soap Neighbours is being forced to watch itself as Big Brother moves in dangerously close on its slot.

"No one else is watching, and we've run out of ideas," said perennial pansies getting out of bed incredulously eerily to shoot


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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment, Baked, Bitter, Muddy
   


Sex tape of Norm surfaces

April 17th 2008 02:10
Despectacled clogger Norm has refused to admit that sex-tapes circulating through the internet have damaged his reputation as he prepares for bed.

"I know it's early," the madmaniac told worms, "but I'm fearing tiredness


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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment, Scrambled, Spicy, Nutty
   


Court orders teen who kicked goth to death to meet with Brian McFadden

March 27th 2008 23:47
The Goodrems witness a goth getting squashed

The soon to be Mr. Goodrem said that he is shocked and alarmed that a judge has made a ruling that will see him kicked to death by a music critic.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment, Poached, Bitter, Rocky
   


Blank title angers filthy content

March 26th 2008 12:13
The filthy content of this post has lashed out violently at the title of this piece in a stunning burst of creativity by its haphazard author.

The content, who wished to be remain deeply discontented now that it's wintery, has refused to admit that


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Mel Gibson Remakes Spielberg's Jaws: Jews

March 9th 2008 23:57
Jews now have a very definite feature

The surgical procedure, which lasted over three days, saw Gibson MD rewire the mandibles of the multi-globular award whining detractor, and blithering yidiot, Spielberg OBE.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment, Grilled, Bitter, Corny
   


The Man With The Average Penis Size, The New Hollywood Thriller

March 7th 2008 22:10
Size matters to buffs
There are no holes in these buckets, so fix it

From a book by award-winning novellist and pedestrian, Norman Mailer, comes the new movie about a man born with a penis that lets him down in every department store.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment, Baked, Sweet, Rocky
   


Al-Qaida drops disabled people on the Hollywood writer's strike

February 2nd 2008 23:13
In a move that has been designed to break the striking writer's resolve, Boeing 747 loads of Special Olympians have been dropped on the palatial abodes of Hollywood penpeople.

"They're not smart bombs. They're the latest in high-tech Iraqi weaponry and they're coming to a house near you, if not yours." Osama bin Laden revealed to his agent


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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment
   


Duck! The Writers Are on Strike Again.

January 31st 2008 01:02
Hollywood penpeople have put down their glasses of cognac to swill fortified wine in a show of support for star of reality show Miami Vice: Duck the Dick, Wayne Carey.

The show is set to go to air after being dropped from an exclusive apartment


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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment
   


Malcolm Turnbull to feature in Brokeback Mountain III: The Return of the Queen

January 29th 2008 00:15
Opposition ladder Turnbull has rung producers to confirm that he was willing to play opposite Helen Mirren in the third installment of cock-sucking cowboy moves.

Shots of cock-sucking cowboys have been taken by none other than Turnbull causing him to pass out his phone number


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Australasian of the Year Kernaghan to star in Brokeback Mountain II: The Fellowship of the Ring

January 25th 2008 21:43
The real country and listerine musician had a twang in his pants, or he was happy to see us, as he rode into town on his clothes-horse, Molly, to accept his award for eating meat pies and sprouting heirs.

"I'd like to thank God that I haven't fallen off," he said as he made a perfect dismount in an otherwise packed can of big beans and small fish


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