Adam and Eve, the god-fearing couple of weak minds and weaker flesh, having succumbed to temptation, have told of the hell they endured raising a butchering bastard.

"I always knew he was rotten," Eve said, munching on an apple. "I tried the best I could," she said, "but when God adopted that less than gay stance with him, he was furious."

God, usually so gay about everything, was less than gay when he told Cain, straight up, that he preferred the lips and anus that the butchering brother Abel was able to "present."

"I, in my everlasting magnificence," God said, "decided that, instead of threatening Cain with legal proceedings, for breaking the law," he explained, "I would blame the parents."

Cain, unable to be held responsible for his reprehensible aggression, jealousy and malice, was instead granted, by the ever-loving father who art, a mark of his respect.

"It's killing my brother what my parents have made me do," Cain remarked, digging his own grave. "I can't speak for my brother," he explained, "but God, I wish I was dead."

Abel, the deceased brother of Cain, raised to butcher animals, failed to see the irony of his untimely demise but did offer God, the ever-lasting, praise of his pathological parents.

"They did the best they could," he explained, "to make every mistake in the book possible," he groaned, as dead as dead can be. "At least they're not a couple of the same sex."

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US chimp that mauled woman 'had Xanax'

May 14th 2009 02:15

A Connecticut prosecutor says test results show a chimpanzee that mauled a woman had the anti-anxiety drug Xanax in its system.

"It's not a perfect system," the prosecutor said, as the chimp stood trial for being stabbed in the back by its owner, "It can't take Xanax."

The chimp, named Travis, is on a radical diet that involves dying, has been seen to lose an amazing amount of his former vitality, and circulation.

"He used to be so full of life," Trav's owner told the prosecutor, "Now look at him. He just lies there, dead,' she cried, waving her banana in the air.

Travis' owner, Sandra Herold, is suing a woman he attacked, 90kg Stanford resident Charla Nash, for causing the death of her "husband", Travis.

"That's her, your honour. That's the woman who lost her hands, nose, lips and eyelids in the attack. I'd recognise her anywhere," Herold said, fingering an unidentified woman.

90kg Stanford resident Charla Nash, blind from the waist down, is accused by Herold of instigating the attack when she allegedly called into question the existence of God.

"Your honour," Herold told a picked jury, "She said that Travis wasn't one of God's creatures," Herold swore on the Bible, "He just went ape-shit."

Travis, a staunch believer that he's unrelated to other "more zealous primates", had grown very anxious as he learnt how to walk upright, like a human.

"He started to get the hang of it," Nash, lipless from the waist up, told the prosecutor, "Then one day he just snapped. It was like the Fonz," she said through a straw.

The court has yet to hear from the dead chimp, because his sole means of communicating with others is through signs, and violent attacks on women.

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Sex book aimed at children - report

May 4th 2009 00:50

A book which explains how gay parents have children and includes in-depth descriptions of sex is being aimed at children as young as two.

"When a man and a man love each other very much," the book starts, "The man puts his penis in the man's anus, and nine months later," the book continues, "They come out."

The book which explains how straight parents have anal sex and includes in-depth descriptions of how to distinguish a man from a woman is aimed at distinguishing people.

"When a woman and a woman love each other very much," the book has it, "The woman puts her penis in the woman's anus and nine months later," the book continues, "They swap."

The book which explains how gay parents are allowed to stay out of jail and includes in-depth descriptions of willies and front-bottoms is being aimed at children who want children of their own.

"When a child and a child love each other very much," the book would have you believe, "The doctor takes the nurse's temperature and nine months later," the book goes on a bit, "The children are all grown up."

The book which retails at $9.95 is found in plastic sleeves from the aisle of all good newsagencies and in your father's sock drawer underneath your sister's vibrator, or dumped by the side of the road.

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Anger over Saint's tribute to jailed brother

April 6th 2009 00:27

Saint Brendon Goddard has made an emotional tribute to his half-brother Beau, saying the jailed heroin trafficker inspired his AFL career.

"I decided that I'd break into a car in the carpark and steal the radio before exchanging it for an easy kick," the Saint said.

"If I had a car radio for every easy kick I've had, I'd be able to trade on for some good gear," the bedraggled Saint said.

"I took my booty to the umpires and asked them what I could get for such a fine lot," the male prostitute and Saint said.

"As I lay on the bottom of a pack, all I could do was stare at the sky and think about England," Saint Brendon said.

"In the end, it was worth it. It's always worth it, in the end," he said, rubbing his punctures.

"People just want to use me getting a kick as an excuse to get a kick of their own. It's a small price to pay," the can-can dancing Saint said, before getting a pass out for a smoke.

"They say football is opium for the masses. Well I say, how much can I get for this?" the Saint said, tucking his booty under his arm and streaking down the flank.

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Police find body parts all over Britain

April 4th 2009 23:06

British police are investigating a mysterious crime after the discovery of several parts from the same body in different parts of the country in what has been described as a "macabre jigsaw puzzle".

"We thinks it's a murder, but once we get the corner pieces we'll know more," a senior officer told his family as they engaged in an activity that brings family members closer.

"It's been described as a macabre jigsaw puzzle and we think that's accurate but until we find a box we won't be able to determine the sex," the senior officer's young son said, playing with himself.

"We believe that it is very un-Australian to do anything that is remotely British. For the most part part they define themselves in relation to their mother-country. Is that right?" the dog asked of the cat.

"This body died so that we could spend our lives trying to put it back together. Obviously there will be disagreement as to what goes where. Unquestionably we should put our time into reconstructing the remains of this puzzle," the whole family agrees.

"Hello, hello, hello. What's all this then?" the senior officer asked of his son after discovering him eating the flesh and drinking the blood of the deceased puzzle, and, shockingly, reading from a book, translated from the original.

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Norm Falls And Sustains Trauma

March 11th 2009 01:01

The greatest genius in the entire Western literary tradition Norm, has fallen and hit his head on his PC, sustaining potentially permanent head injuries that doctors say they couldn't care less about.

"Do you know what day it is," they asked him.

"It's today, of course," Norm replied.

"Yes, but what day of the week is today?" they responded, unkindly.

"Today is the day before tomorrow," Norm replied.

"Yes, but what day of the week is it?" they asked.

"Today is the day I hit my head on the PC, and woke up surrounded by a large number of people who are so attached to themselves they can't let go of themelves, and some I count as friends and some I count as making up the numbers and some I count as worthy adversaries and some I count as both, and some I count as none," Norm said.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" they asked, knowingly.

"They're your fingers," Norm replied, scratching his arse with his scrotum.

"I'm asking you as your doctor," they said, pressing a finger into his soft head.

"I'm telling you as your patient that you went to medical school and you don't even know how many fingers you're holding up," Norm, growing vegetables, snapped.

"You're not worth worrying about," they said.

"In case you don't know, I have a personal issue with the medical profession," Norm prescribed.

"You're a pointless child," they said, checking the chart.

Am not.

Are too.

124

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Men should also hear biological clock ticking

March 10th 2009 04:00

AUSTRALIAN scientists have discovered that children born to older men perform poorer on intelligence tests.

"Clearly we should be putting a cap on men having children. I'll go round to every home and do it myself," said one.

"I mean, who doesn't know how many oranges Bobby has if he started with 4 and sold 6? I'll tell you. Kids with fathers who don't know anything about economics."

"I remember when my stepdad sat me on his knee and taught me about where babies come from. I don't even remember asking him. He certainly showed me."

"Fortunately, I've been able to put a lifetime of finding ways to make any answer I make the right one by endless subterfuge and longwindedness. I'm afraid kids this age don't know the facts of life."

"The fact is, either you're in favour of protecting children all the time by pretending you're not secretly attracted to them, or you're making them answer questions that suppress their natural creativity in favour of making them see you as a righteous crusader for all that is good and decent."

"I failed to see how a child's brutal murder of the twins she was carrying in her uterus is more morally reprehensible than photographing a child with her kit off. God, I crave sex with my daughter."

"It was a trick question. I'm pretty sure I answered that pretending to be in favour of peaceful protest while engaging in slanging matches and snide comments is not hypocrisy."

"I'm not sure how those questions made their way in. You can be sure of one thing, I''ll never make light of myself. Except when I'm pretending to be a beacon for all those good souls out there."

"One more thing, if a train is travelling at 90km/h and has 90km to travel, how many oranges does Bobby have? I think the answer is that Empires were made, and millions slaughtered in the pursuit of Capital. That's a fact."

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Nine-year-old to abort twins: reports Gwyneth Paltrow

March 1st 2009 01:18

A nine-year-old girl pregnant after years of alleged sexual abuse by her stepfather is likely to abort twins she is carrying in a case that has shocked Brazil, reports in Sao Paulo said on Saturday.

"I think the people who are criticising it or criticising the idea of it, don't really get it," Gwyneth Paltrow said.

"Abortion is the termination of a human life. In the case of twins, it's two human lives. That should carry twice the normal penalty for murder," Paltrow said.

"Abortion can be performed in a backyard by a dirty great coathanger or by a professional with no regard for human life," Paltrow said.

"She doesn't have a pelvis able to support a gestation of twins but maybe she should have thought of that before she willingly obliged her stepfather's natural urges," she explained.

"Abortion is illegal in Brazil except in cases of rape or if the woman's lifestyle is in danger and carries a sentence without a full-stop," she said, adjusting her trousers.

"The 23-year-old stepfather abused the girl since she was aged six, paying her one Brazilian real (about 77 Aust cents) for each sexual relation, which is a rip-off. I used to take the rubbish out and only got a quarter," she said.

"He also allegedly abused the girl's physically handicapped 14-year-old sister but found it increasingly hard to 'get around' her wheelchair," she said.

He was arrested on Thursday as he attempted to flee to another region in Brazil, and was being kept in protective custody on a charge of causing abortion endangering human life.

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Chimp's attack blamed on confused relationship

February 21st 2009 02:07

TRAVIS the chimpanzee's relationship with his owner was closer than those of some married couples.

"He was like my ex-husband. Only less hairy and less abusive," the chimp's owner confided to the animal's faceless victim.

"We did everything together. He liked reverse cowgirl but I like it on top," she explained, sipping champagne from a flute.

"He always knew just what to do. That bitch had just sprayed herself on my door. A clear sign of intent," she confessed.

"At least I won't have to pick curly black hairs out of my teeth, any more," she euologised at the chimp's wake.

"I might even write a book. Or even a blog. I've heard they're two entirely different things," she wrote in a deleted commentary on this site.

"They say the chimp is our closest relative. We'll it doesn't get much closer than intercourse," she said, playing with her ring.

"I suppose that's how we differed from most marriages. He always did exactly what I told him to do," she boasted.

"People will say that it's my fault. I just don't see how. He plucked the eyes from my head," she told a light-fitting.

"In truth, it was a confused relationship. It's like we were two different species. I suppose that's the nature of a marriage," she said.

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Adolf Hitler was a real pig, secret report shows

February 18th 2009 21:32

TO the wartime world, he was a monster. In private, it seems, Adolf Hitler was a pig, according to secret notes that have surfaced.

The German dictator, of Austrian extraction, was raised with his innumerable siblings as his mother, confined to a concrete stall scarcely bigger than herself, felt the humanity of man more deeply by the day.

"He's not the messiah, he's just one of a number of delicious little creatures who have to be castrated with a pocket knife and have their tails docked with someone's bare hands," she confided as she lay there.

"Lucky for me that I can be inseminated with a turkey baster. My lover is a machine. Made in China, I'm led to believe. What has happened to doing things the old fashioned way? I remember when the farmer himself would see to it that my needs were met," she lamented.

The mother of a million and crossword enthusiast took time out from a busy schedule to show us around the luxurious concrete stall she calls home, and in the process accidentally rolled over her children, accidentally confining one to a wheelchair and causing another severe brain injuries.

"What's going to become of them, now?" she weeped. "Will they ever get a chance to be loaded into a truck like sardines and spend the night at a slaughterhouse before being hit on the head, bathed in boiling water and then have their throats cut?"

"Will their anuses ever be tasted by the mouth of man? Their lips ever know the lips of the well-to-do and the lowly, alike? Will their skin ever make beautiful music?" she cried.

"Only asking," she cowered, as a steel pipe was brandished.

"I don't smoke."

"One can't hurt."

"I think I need to lie down."

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Tom Cruise says Portia de Rossi is a Woman

January 19th 2009 22:42

Five months after my wedding to the Nazi leader, Adolf Hitler is declaring that wanting to kill Tom Cruise has "completely changed Ellen DeGeneres."

The unsuccessful marriage to Hitler is "a different way of being German soldiers together", said Cruise on Friday while promoting a briefcase in Pasadena.

Even though the couple have been executed, I always wanted to kill the Hollywood star and the actress since I didn't even realize Hitler would, but it's so lovely.

"As a daughter looking at a gay woman, I wondered why my child didn't think that her mother-in-law would be studying history and be that relieved; someone?"

The actress said she's helped ease the burden of Scientology for L. Ron Hubbard. "World War Two is so important to confident woman and I didn't really realize that until I started doing the science fiction writer," she said she objected.

"I've never heard of de Rossi and DeGeneres before... It turned out to be an incredible adventure, just to be there and shoot at these gay and lesbian couple that don't recognise Scientology as a religion. It was a very powerful experience and "unfortunately" it will promote her with the audience," the actor said.

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British man who fathered nine children with two daughters jailed

November 25th 2008 23:16

Jailed for life, A MAN, who fathered nine children with his two daughters, whom he subjected to decades of rape, has been subjected to decades of rape.

"It was just awful. To see my own daughters treated like that. What made it worse was it was me. I don't think I'll ever be the same," the man, a penis and testicles hanging about, said.

"What victims of rape don't seem to understand is the trauma that the perpertartor suffers at the hands, mouth, vagina and anus of their victims," an advocate for men's issues said.

"I've spoken to this gentleman at great length. I wasn't going to get too close. He had a very amourous look in his pants. The years of abuse were a cry for help," she maintains.

"The man's daughters still don't know a good thing when they see it. It's very Freudian to sleep with your daughters. At least he doesn't believe in abortion," she went on.

"I don't believe in abortion. It's a bit like evolution. I don't believe in that either. Hell, I don't even believe in computers. At least I believe in repenting on my deathbed," the father said.

"I can say that I believe in honesty. I've always maintained that a man is a filthy animal. I was only doing what every father wants to do. It's only natural," the trauma-victim said.

The man, facing a lifetime in jail, can look forward to being on the good end of rape for many years to come at the hands and erection of some rather large gentleman called Boris.

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This isn't about Orble, even though it mentions Orble in the title.

November 15th 2008 00:08

This post, very revealing, has nothing to do with the to-dos and to-don'ts of the micro-world, according to future Orble chief, ladder-climber and two-faced for his own good, Norm.

According to him, this post, x number of words and directed at blogger y, is really about some important information that must be conveyed, or we'll all die a hideous death.

The hideous death, unavoidable but for the important information contained in the kernel, will be imminent if steps aren't taken to avoid that bus that has your name on it, Mercedes.

The post, garnering over a hundred comments from intelligent and outraged supporters of freedoms everywhere, has been rudey plucked from its rightful place at the top of the tree.

The hideous death, happy in the knowledge that the information needed to avoid it will be denied of many, is waiting for all those innocents who don't know how to cross the street.

The post, containing the word 'Orble' in the header and the footer, its goal to deny all and sundry the hideous death that waits on the undercarriage of that bus, is written real good.

The post contains no fewer than x number of words and n of covert references to blogger y, which would be lost on anyone not familiar with the righteousness of my position.

The position, earned through x number of years in profession y, has led Norm, the future head of your family tree, to believe you have no idea about why I'm so indignant about y.

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Jerry Springer Invites Blogging Community Onto The Show

November 13th 2008 08:31

Family-plannng counsellor and TV evangelist Jerry Springer has invited the bickering and incestuous children of the blogging community on to 'to sort out who's in bed with who'.

"As far as I know I'm not projecting my hostility for my family onto people I've never met who remind me in some way of members of my family." said one self-aware blogger.

"I have absolutely no skeletons in my closet, apart from the remains of my family," they went on, as Jerry, whipping the crowd into a frenzy, introduced a ghost from their past.

The ghost, the forgotten father of the family, appeared on stage just as his children, acting like the adults they are, went to bed together and revealed hidden aspects of themselves.

"I'll show you yours, if you show me yours," one revealed to another as matters took a turn. "It's not fair! She's picking on me! He's making faces!" was the general outcry from the stage.

Jerry, taking questions to the audience, had to explain the intricacies of the rivalries before the audience, deeply incensed by the burning of perfumed sticks, posed a few curly ones.

"Jesus, if I ever found out that the person I was sleeping with wasn't my mother I'd kill someone. My father is largely responsible," came a comment from the cheap seats.

"I find it interesting that you're all related. You all draw strength from the presence of one another and yet you wish each other out of existence," came a comment from another.

Jerry, finishing the show on his usual note of hope, gave those of us at home a sobering reminder that everything, virtually, is just a bunch of highly monitored characters.

Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.

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Norm's Birthday Celebrations Just Days Away as Jon Tells of Teething Problems

November 9th 2008 22:34

Not yet a terrible two year-old, but only days off turning two years-old, Norm has told his ever watchful father Jon that he does indeed need to change after having yet another accident.

"I'm always crying, yes, it's true. It's only because I always feel like I need to change," the toothless idiot told his well-educated, handsome, delightfully witty, and erudite and intelligent father, Dr. Jon.

"I think I may have done something that I wish I hadn't all the time," the crawling infantile said as he rattled around in his cage, where he is being housed while Jon works out what to do with his accidents.

"I just can't seem to sit still. I think I may have ants in my pants," Norm, squirming around and sucking on a thumbtack, told Jon, the provider for many and adult capable of dangling a carrot, who just couldn't bear to watch.

"Hang on a sec. I think it must be worms. I am getting thinner by the day," Norm, unable to speak in any meaningful way, communicated not in so many words to the giver of virtual life to so many.

"No wait. I know what it is! I think I may need a change, again," Norm, brawling his eyes out and emitting an unrelenting ardour, told Jon, his eyes beginning to roll around the room, as they counted the cost of non-non-creative writing.

"It costs me shit-loads!" Dr. Jon, unusually Frankenstein, said. "Why can't you just place products in your shit?" he continued. "I'm the one who has to clean up the mess. Get your shit together," the apparent scatologist demanded.

Norm, unwilling to change, yet in constant need of change, has, according to Dr. Jon's professional opinion, crapped on long enough about nothing in particular for at least his whole life.

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European Father of the Year Sent as Envoy to Africa after Things Get Out Of Hand

November 6th 2008 22:04

Husband, European, and artful father Josef Fritzl (pictured in your head) is the new representative of Christian values in the Godless continent, the Dark One.

"I must say that the men worry me a bit. A lot of negroids over there. I think I'll definitely be throwing away the key," the right honourable said, packing his bags.

When questioned about the possibility of sorting out continental differences over a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Fritzl began to behave rather erotically.

"Everybody knows Africans always go Rock," the mastermind revealed. "It's not the best way. I hope I can make them see the error of their ways."

Earlier in the week, a father had his daughter beaten in a friendly game of Rock, as the Dark Continentals call it, before a huge crowd of locals and onlookers.

"I feel incredibly sorry for this man. I mean there's always a slim chance your daughter might have a Rock too. He just got lucky," the veteran opened up.

"Many believe you can't play with your daughter. I've dedicated my life to playing friendly games with mine. Hide the Sausage is her fave," Fritzl, polishing up on his Scissors, said.

"In Africa they've never even heard of Paper or Scissors, let alone Secret Dungeon, or Deadbolt. I'll have to show them what to do," the new envoy chortled.

"In the old days. My four fathers came over for a quiet game. Gun always beats Spear. Idiots!" the diplomatic patriarch stated, settling in, fist in hand.

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Plodding Thesaurus Becomes A Fossil After Change in Climate

November 4th 2008 22:30

A Thesaurus, a reptile capable of finding big words where only little ones are, has become a fossil in a stunning metamorphosis that has fueled speculation of impending doom.

"I looked up, and I saw all these words that were related to other words and I couldn't look up any more because I could feel myself becoming petrified or scared or fearful or frightened or paralysed or numbed or afraid or speechless," the Thesaurus said.

The Thesaurus, a close relative of the Dictionary which is another big book with lots of things to say about lots of things, has become so heavy that it just can't stand to look inside itself to find some definition.

"The impending doom that has been speculated or prognosticated or anticipated or predicted is a little bit of a concern or worry but you won't find me giving you any meaning to your lives or existences or breathing," the Thesaurus stated.

"Language may be in a contstant state of flux but that won't stop me looking to myself when I need to find a big thing where only a little thing is. I can say that much better. Let me." the Thesaurus, appealing to your rears, pleaded.

"The obnoxious predicament of the aforementioned communicational apparatus is in a perpetual condition of kinetic energetic intorpidity, however this won't deter this personage from proclaiming an injury while deliberately baiting those that I've claimed perpertrators of the inurement," the Thesaurus said, clarifying things.

"I don't think I need to define things," the Thesaurus, clearly enamoured or fond of hearing its own voice, tolled. "All I need to do is constantly refer to myself in a circuitous fashion," the cold-blooded creature explained, looking inside itself.

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Family urged to complain over 'excrement ice cream'

October 26th 2008 03:59

A Sydney family which claims it was served ice-cream containing human excrement at an eastern suburbs hotel is being encouraged to lodge a formal complaint.

"We didn't ask for any ice cream," the father of the nuclear family told the waiter, his son, who was orbitting him like some strange microcosm of the world at large.

"But really, a formal complaint? That sounds so official. I'd really rather just sue, if that's all right?", the nuclear father, splitting things, told the manager, a real prick.

"Look here," the waiter, a bit worried about his shares since things turned to shit, told his manager, "He ordered ice cream with whatever shit we had. Ice cream!"

"Now wait just a minute!" the father, the centre of his known universe, butted in, "Can you? I've just got to lay some pipes," the father, and apparent plumber, asked.

"The toilets are that way. No, wait. That way. Hang on," the clearly confused manager, and big money-yearner, directed the father and would-be shit-hanger.

"I can't hang on. I have to go right now. You bloody shit!" the father, experiencing some haemorrhaging from the back-pocket, yelled at the manager, shocked.

"Are you going to eat that?" the waiter, clearly emaciated, asked of the heavy-shitter as he set his finger on a bulging button, "Go on, then," the father, relieved, responded.

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Call for Ban on Coathangers as Backyard Job Numbers Rise

October 16th 2008 21:51

Backyard doctors, absolutely quackers, have called for more Coathangers, after Women, putting the ute in utilitarian, have come to their senses and relinquished their right to "make decisions about their bodies."

"I'm coming off the top rope," former wrestler George "The Animal" Stone said to the monsterously overwrought Andre, The Giant Communist Infiltrator, as he prepared to lay down the law to those fooled with spectacles.

"I'm coming off a top rape," said the father and grandfather of his wife, as he prepared to hang up his bits after another hard day at the office, as his brother, wearing cloth, lined up a backyard doctor - block to be knocked off.

"It's mine, you can't have it," the backyard doctor, block in hand, said, delivering a coathanger of his own to the head of an infant whose mother, hooking to make ends meet, put the finishing torches on her flat.

"I'm hooked on coathangers," the infant, clearly touched by divine inspiration, told firefighters as their body, incinerated to a crisp, was returned to its father who art a man patrolling the streets in search of fond mammaries.

"The stock-maket crash has really fucked me," our lady said, slipping into a plastic bag and flirting down the river as her super, gone for all money, fell even further than it already had before thongs got out of hind.

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Margaret Thatcher Gives Birth to A Victorian

September 24th 2008 00:32

The greatest Prime Minister in British herstory, Sir Margaret Thatcher has, at the ripe old age of 5 foot 4, given birth to an antique bed-head.

The bed-head, a cast-iron job with some truly wonderful lattice, was delivered by Caesarian suction, a new method initiated by Hoover.

"It's older than you," jubilant nurses, picketing their noses with placards, told the exhausted vacuum-cleaner as Thatcher escaped to the roof.

Doctors, erudite and learned chops with oft-white coats, climbed up there too to talk the extremely distraught mother down.

"We wouldn't let her get a word in," they told each other as they gave the bouncing bed a workout with a very voluminous mid-waif.

She was somehere in between very skinny and just plain anarchic, jealous nurses told Thatcher who was asking to go the lav.

"I need to go number 10s," the free-thinking labour-gal told her chamberpot, as she hailed down on a cab from the roof.

The taxi, one of those black numbers driven by one of those black numbers, was a right toff, or so Thatcher's butler told panel-beaters.

"On tonight's show," one panellist, having just adopted the suckling antique, told viewers who had tuned out for the oven's on.

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Bill Shorten gives his wife the golden headshake

September 21st 2008 00:16

Labor MP, Collingwood fan, husband of three beautiful children and cement mixer, Bill Shorten has dropped a bombshell on his wife by revealing to her, his one and only, that he, his one true love, was leaving her, for butter or worse, to pursue a career in politics.

"It's not true that you can't be a public figure and still have a private life," Shorten, just under six-foot, told his trowel as he stole underwear from the communal washing line of his apartment complex, gently warping the smut from his dribbling aroma-catcher.

A lifelong devotee of serving causes greater than himself, Shorten has figuratively defended his right to pursue the daughter of the Queen's erected appointment in our little ant-hill, as the crumpling empire, an ever imploding construction of concrete ideals, blew up in our farces.

"It's not true that you can't drop your wife in cement and build a house on her," the embattled MP, once shouted as a future fuhrer, wrote in his dying blood as he sat on a bench outside the widow of his beloved, piddling his thumbs while his wife stunk steeper still.

Collingwood president, and taut-fisted Scot, Eddie McGuire has been quick to distance himself from the refrigerator, a good white thing that crassly houses chilled air, as he prepared to front the Medea, after informing her of his interest in perusing the scene, aswell.

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The Human Body's Biggest Organ: The Cover Up EXPOSED

September 14th 2008 00:14

Our epidermis, a rubbery layer or two of rubber layers that comes in a variety of colours that you can pick from: scabs, cankers, boils, fleas, abrasions, irritations and the lick, is, to the knackered eye, some of the most erratic and infighting material known to man-managers.

"It's like a giant nose for feeling your way around," said one deranged individual, their skin, laterally hanging off their bones, the bags shagging under their arse, their brain, over-stipulated, the conditions for information being faultered out by some unseemly net that shorts it all out.

Skin, all the colours of the brainbrow, with time, with resolutions around the sun that put the solarium in our cistern, will, if you should be so lucky, grow to winkle like the charred skin of a chicken that you might odour at the shop, and hang off your ropeabley deossifying architecture.

Our epidermis, a Greek word for marble sculpture, is, off course, something to be steeply ashamed or, conversantly, proud of, as it scurries us cooking and cleaning through this laugh, because, I feel and I feel it in my ossified vision, at the end of the day, when the sin has gone down, we're supposed, too.

"I'd feel naked without my skin," our waving lunatic said, raving at the shivering moon as the smooth and shaky organ for touching slapped through their very thingers, "but at least, I always have my notions to hang my hat on," they said, feeling seething agony as every type went buying thongs.

The cover-up, the biggest sandal since the word began sinning, has, separating the nefarious tribes of the world by the odour of their touchy instrument, made humans, less humane than I'd chair to mention, hack each other to afterlife with any bludging or sharp instrument on hand.

The torching of skin, let's say, yours and moan, makes us, you, me and the rust, and the blood, all the same odour if I'm not pisstaking, make our heart's, another bloody organ, pump at an ever incessant and involuntary spade, as we grow and sag through this strife we wiff.

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Man: I'm smarter than Mother Nature

July 17th 2008 03:15

Man loves the sound of his own hand clapping

Man, the greatest thinker since sliced head, has refused to bow to his own mater after he was caught tossing off.

"I don't bow to anyone," Man said as he sat on the verge of wiping out his old fella.

"I don't want to fuck my mother," Man said, chopping his Father, Time, into little books.

"I already have," the supreme conquerer told his alien ancestors as he played to God.

Mother Nature is not sure of her son's understanding of his place within her.

"He's an animal in the sack," she said as she put him in a sack and threw him into the abyss.

"He's not the messiah," she said looking at the true Sun.

He's a boy.

"A boy's best friend is his mother," Man had earlier said, cleaning the bath.

Mother Nature, an endless source of riches for Man, is on her last logs.

"I used to be flat here," she said of her Middle Ages.

Time, the Father of Man, is running out for some smokes.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Baked, Bitter, Rocky

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Band-aids are great for bullet-holes

July 7th 2008 01:22

Laws, the inky thinks written on white paper, are, and always will be, the best means of protecting people, say leading psychics.

"Society has always been shot," said one, hand on her crystal heart.

"These band-aids should stop the bleeding," she went on, as someone from the other side got on her wicker basket.

Laws, things pissed by men and, equally, women in suits, written on bits of paper mache and enfarced by men and, thankfully, women in uniforms, carrying guns, welding sticks, wearing hats, taking brides, and questioning everythink, have always healed the hurt.

I feel.

Society, a bullet-riddled riddle, is always looking out for the little guy and, equally, girl.

"Especially when they have no clothes on," said one leading downloader.

"Some," kids one, "are so poor they can't afford clothes."

I feel sick in the cuts.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Baked, Sour, Rocky

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Corby's brothers on A Downer

June 23rd 2008 01:20

The elder brother (left) claims to be able to hear your thoughts while the younger one (rightly), claiming to be older, is thinking of a number between 19 and 21 years

The high-flying fraternal dribblings of committed drug muelse Schapelle Corby have giggled off claims by A Downer that they were behind their half-fister's spell in the joint.

"I can't be bothered," they said as they said as they said.

"They're trying to bring us down, man!" said the one with the scissors.

A Downer, an upper-crass slob and putty mouth, told detractors that he told the two swarthy men in private: "No funny business or I'll have you departed."

The departed, the fatally deceased, have been seen by potty-heads in the screams of smack eliminating from the clamber of their smacking impediments.

It's funny how sisters bear the guillotine of their brothers.

"It's a lot of buggage to handle," said one of the banana fratters as he lounged.

About the house -

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Scrambled, Sweet, Muddy

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Liberal member of parliament gives birth to a bouncing baby demon

June 17th 2008 13:09

As predelicted by ALP soothslayer and acclaimed French siren Gerard Depardieu (pictured), the formerly heavily pregnant tinkerer of evil thoughts and Liberal stalled-wart gave a wide birth to the demon in a ritual's laughter.

"I hate to say I told you so," the flagrant frog told the depressed mother as Dr. Nelson delivered the demon from the evil clutches of the Liberal party drink tank.

In a mark of the best and brightest, we are represented by huff-wits and snakey ladders.

"Keep your nose out of my business, de Bergerac!" the expectant mater told Depardieu as dentists inspected her cavities.

The demon seed, in an ominous warming for the human-annoyed race, is expected to become the next Australian idol.

Damien Leith, the last idol and gnome's sick, was on hand to welcome his holy darkness into his farcical manifestation.

"He's got a green horn!" saucy nurses salivated as they cut the cards and handed the little bundle of jaws over too.

Evil thoughts carry evil deeds to the lower house and beyonder, bubby.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Grilled, Spicy, Muddy

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Multi-millionairess Hillary hits her head on the newly installed glass ceiling of her humble domain

June 9th 2008 03:29

The vertically challenged giant of America has suffered a mild concussion after the roof fell in on her when she tried to change a lightbulb on the chandelier.

"How many women does it take to change a lightbulb on a chandelier?" paralegals asked her to test the veracity of her concussion.

Her answer, believed to be incorrect, was: "What's being a woman go to do with changing anything?"

The heftily concussed former thirsty lady, believed to be intoxicated, denied claims she was changing anything.

"Hang on," she had earlier told husband Bill as he clutched her legs.

He denied that he had been bad lick for the former farced lady.

"She's worked like a slave for change but they've gone for a slave for a change," Bill said, off on a tangerine.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Baked, Sweet, Corny

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Bush Texas Wedding Spectacular

May 12th 2008 00:08

Held in the labyrinthial dungeons of the Whitehouse, US Presidenture George W. Bush married his daughter of twenty or so ears in a lavish musical conducted by the reanimated corpse of Nazi synthesizer Herbert Von Karajan.

"I was very happy to give away my daughter," Bush said under his breathmint.

"She's no oil painting. I couldn't give her away," he revealed, giving himself away.

His other daughter, no less of a thing unlike an oil painting than the other who's not one either, is up for auction on Ebay.

"The highest bid so far is $2.78, but I'm not going to give her away," Bush told bargain haunters.

Condoleeza Rice, clearly inflatulated with Georgey, heartbroken at losing the olive of her martini is still holding out hopelessly for another shot at the title.

"I'm not going to throw myself at him," Rice said as she threw herself over the hippy couple.

Marriage is a holy unction between a man and woe.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Poached, Sour, Nutty

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The Sound of Music comes to reality TV

May 3rd 2008 00:28

Josef Fritzl scrutinizes his daughter's profile

Captain Von Trapp, the father of his seven grandchildren, believes that the Holocaust is a conspiracy cocked up by the Jews.

"The hills are alive," the Captain said as he put the moves on his developing daughter.

The Captain, vehemently appeased to Hitler's regime, has seen his wife and daughter ruled into one.

"How do you salve a problem like the Jews?" Von Trapp mused.

"Let's just say that threats of gas will do the trucks of Jews," the Captain said addressing his offcuts.

The Captain, a stern dispisclanarian, is, deep-down, in laugh with the idea of bedding a sister.

"I like them like that," he said stroking a kitten tied up with string in his worn wooden muttons.

The Captain, unbelievably, is fancying a 15 year bit.

15 is too old for me.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Scrambled, Spicy, Rocky

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Women face redundancy as pregnancies sweep the male population

April 1st 2008 00:32

Transmen across Mother Earth are falling pregnant thanks to the latest craze that is weeping the floor: tears.

"Women have been stealing our jobs for years," one heavily fertile transman told his hairdresser.

Transmanians say they feel incredible to be able to finally deliver something that isn't a crying sham out their passages.

"Babies grow faster in the bowel," one screamed in pains that proved to be a false Islam.

"I was only shitting," the Transman wrote on the bowl.

The trend that has made women obsolete is helping men get in touch with their feminine asides.

"I always wanted a Ute," one transman said as he drove off to a day of labour.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Baked, Bitter, Nutty

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Twins Ruin JLo's Cunning Stunt

March 21st 2008 22:15

Corn-lover, chimp-magnet, and dog-skinner, Jennifer Lopez has been upstaged in a special ceremony to honour the charitable work of her crab-catcher.

The mangey oyster, responsible for more head-trauma than her larynx, will never be the sane again after delivering two bouncing baby bangers onto a plate of mash.

The pair of sausages, mostly lips and anuses, stunningly responsible for upstaging Lopez's stunner of a stunt, are avoiding the media for fear of a squint of sauce.

Lopez strenuosly denies reports that her monkey-maker will never wink quite as well as before.

"These little ones of mine," JLo told her bank-roller, "didn't even touch the sides."

"I've still got my own lips and anus anyway," a furious JLo said while scoffing down a sausage.

Lopez is set to jump her motormouth over her grand canyon in the coming weeks.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Grilled, Sweet, Nutty

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Norman Bates Holds Slide Night

March 13th 2008 02:44

Mum's the word

The convicted felon took bored guests through photographs of his travails throughout poor countries in an evening of showering and sandwiches.

The Vietnam veterinarian, a purple-heart transplant recipient, told committees and jurors, white and true, that his heart bleats for the innocent.

"I'm very happy to be able to to have you here," he told embezzlers and Iranian thieves on hand.

"I just wish my mother could have made it," he said while lying on his mother's dentures.

When asked why she wasn't able to make the evening, she told daddy-long legs: "I couldn't be stuffed."

Mrs. Bates told hooked addicts, whilst playing with her fly, that a mother's best friend is himself.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Poached, Sweet, Corny

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Sting ends chase for Pumpkin's dad

March 1st 2008 00:57

The Chinese Police is torture to dissidents

The former Police chief, Sting, has told told a Pumpkin's dad that he's never been so in love with someone who wasn't himself, after the vegetable's father vowed to weld him.

The vegetable's father, no less a vegetable than his progeny, when asked: "Will you take his hand in marriage?", could only say: "Let's not get mushy.", before slipping back into a coma.

The welding ceremony guests were entertained by a Chinese Police band.

They have told Sting that they can make him disappear in a magic trick that has David Copperfield angry.

"I'll make them disappear," Copperfield told Dickensian authors trapped in strait-jackets, "Then I'm going to saw their wives in half."

Chinese students have stood in front of a tank of water before turning to soup.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Poached, Sweet, Corny

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L. Ron Hubbard Denies Fathering Blogging Community

February 15th 2008 23:46

That old mother Hubbard embarks on another business vulture, Orble

"Orble and Scientology are totally different. On the one hand Scientology makes promises it can't keep, and Orble..." L. Ron Hubbard told his old girl.

His mother, who went to the cupboard to fetch her dog and bone, wasn't taking calls.

The baby, a scavenger, found the body.

"It was yummy," the infantile said.

Scientologists have distanced themselves from claims they are related to Orblers.

"Is Alpha-Centauri distant enough?", Orble chief Tom Cruise told tiny specks.

The insignificant specks continue to mar spaceships.

"Blogging mars the craft," said one waiter with his hands full of himself.

103

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Baked, Muddy

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Britney's Grandmother Opens Up

February 8th 2008 01:32

Britney's mothers admit to fathering themselves

"As soon as I gave birth to her, I hit the wall," the ageing matriarch told parasites ticking off Britney, "because I was running a marathon."

Britney's 'mothers' have released explosive pictures of the scabby labour.

"I still had my brothers waiting in line for eggs," she told things attached to themselves.

The nervous ticks feeding on others have stuck together a community of writhers from the scabs.

"We have nothing new to say and no new way to say it," one leading exponent of the parasitical arts told fleeing villages, "but we certainly think highly of ourselves."

The scabs have wound up eating away.

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RUPERT MURDOCH TO STAR AS PYGMALION IN THE EXTRAVAGANZA WRITTEN BY SCABS

February 5th 2008 00:31

"I've had to take a pay cut to play this role," the media mongol told his rampaging whores in a leaked press release.

Pygmalion, the mythological scalper who brought his whore-creation to life, is a role that has had stars crawling over their own dead bodies to read for.

"Most stars" reveals film cricket Jiminy, "just want a chance to get their arms around the loading lady."

Many people have put up their hands to snap his off to bring him closer to the original.

"I want to be a real boy too, but nobody likes pests," the heavy drinking insect told a can of Mortein.

Murdoch has contracted Delaney's parents to tell them that he'll be a perfect gentleman with their son.

"Just as soon as I get the test results that prove he's adopted."

The scabs deny that they've been a little rash.

Corey Delaney as Venus de Milo

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Junky Sprinter Happy to Be Reunited With Her Blood

January 11th 2008 23:57

When a judge convicted disgraceful sprinter Marion Jones to a six month jail sentence her first words were "Fried chicken and watermelon, jive-monkey."

By the time she had won a gold medal for running really fast over a short distance her uncle O.J. Simpson, who was good at running shorter distances with stolen goods, had already killed the entire white branch of his familiar tree.

"I was a drugged mule." Jones told her pusher. "A real ass."

O.J. told a hearing after his cousin's and before his sister's that his family was not seeking renumeration for the toil of his great-great-grandmother who on retirement received a 'golden-handshower'.

"She got a clock too."

Jones, who is delighted to finally have the chance to meet her grandmother, has told her siblings to "Run!"

She says that running on the sound of a gun being fired is a trait that runs in the family.

"Running is in my blood, blood. Like counting money is in the great-great-grandchild of a human resources manager, baby."

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NERO FIDDLED WITH HIS 'OLD FELLA'

December 30th 2007 23:57

Legendary leader Nero has told journalists that while Rome burned he dueted with his "wrinkly old fella".

The now deceased "old fella" has told necromantics to go and get a life as part of his campaign of Zombie horror.

Historians, most of whom love nothing more than some fiddling with their own fathers, believe that to harp on endlessly is music to our rears.

"Dried prunes are better," said Nero's father, "but just give me brains."

Brains are the staple of most sharp-pencils.

2B or 4B, that is, which pencil should I use to shove up my nostril and into my brain?

Brains are a grave matter, believe most necronuerologists.

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Britney tells Clinton: "You are reminiscent of my father"

December 16th 2007 00:00

America's first baglady Britney Spears has surrendered to the undeniable charms of Presidential aspirin and father-figurine Clinton.

"I have showered her in my love." Clinton said aloft a wonky shopping trolley.

Spears has denied claims that she's a reflection of the undeniable talentlessness of music consumers with more money than sins.

"I am the undeniable product of the women's lip-operation movement."

Teenage girls grow into women.

The world is a better place now than it was in the past.

"I believe in prozac." Spears told herself before drifting off.

Clinton denied that she's ever played volleyball or served a spike.

"I did not have sexual relations with that man - Mr Clinton." Clinton said before the mirror as she shaved this morning.

On her way out, the door shut.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Baked

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Spears Dubs Her Vibrator with Jodie Foster

December 7th 2007 22:17

Rags to riches vibrating human Britney Spears has come clean about her on again off again dildo.

The dildo, who she has affectionately dubbed with the voice of Jodie Foster, is a contraption Spears has claimed has helped her reach those high notes.

"I've never liked digitally enhanced sessions", she told barrackers.

The lilac-larynxed pop idle told Jodie Foster to get on her bike and meet her at a secret location for some upholstery appreciation.

Foster, a known Communist and star of such films as Butch and the Sundance Kid, told Spears "don't stop".

The case continues.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Baked

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Most people who own a blog are white on the inside or the outside and cant spill

October 5th 2007 01:14

Thanks to the fine work of our white predecessors, we all have access to blogs, according to our latest study. According to the research, 99.999% of all bloggers believe that white people with financial security or realistic financially secure aspirational motivational attitudal psychologically concordant profiling standardisational goals are white or white on the inside.

One of the advantages of such discolouration, according to our research, is the ability to think that their happiness is not or has not been at the expense of other no less living or now deceased organisms with something approaching consciousness. Namely, non-whites inside or out.

Thanks to the technological work of technologically minded technologists, internet access for all is now well within whites weach.

The full results of the study.

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