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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

Man loves the sound of his own hand clapping

Man, the greatest thinker since sliced head, has refused to bow to his own mater after he was caught tossing off.

"I don't bow to anyone," Man said as he sat on the verge of wiping out his old fella.

"I don't want to fuck my mother," Man said, chopping his Father, Time, into little books.

"I already have," the supreme conquerer told his alien ancestors as he played to God.

Mother Nature is not sure of her son's understanding of his place within her.

"He's an animal in the sack," she said as she put him in a sack and threw him into the abyss.

"He's not the messiah," she said looking at the true Sun.

He's a boy.

"A boy's best friend is his mother," Man had earlier said, cleaning the bath.

Mother Nature, an endless source of riches for Man, is on her last logs.

"I used to be flat here," she said of her Middle Ages.

Time, the Father of Man, is running out for some smokes.



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Laws, the inky thinks written on white paper, are, and always will be, the best means of protecting people, say leading psychics.

"Society has always been shot," said one, hand on her crystal heart.

"These band-aids should stop the bleeding," she went on, as someone from the other side got on her wicker basket.

Laws, things pissed by men and, equally, women in suits, written on bits of paper mache and enfarced by men and, thankfully, women in uniforms, carrying guns, welding sticks, wearing hats, taking brides, and questioning everythink, have always healed the hurt.

I feel.

Society, a bullet-riddled riddle, is always looking out for the little guy and, equally, girl.

"Especially when they have no clothes on," said one leading downloader.

"Some," kids one, "are so poor they can't afford clothes."

I feel sick in the cuts.
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Corby's brothers on A Downer

June 23rd 2008 01:20
The elder brother (left) claims to be able to hear your thoughts while the younger one (rightly), claiming to be older, is thinking of a number between 19 and 21 years

The high-flying fraternal dribblings of committed drug muelse Schapelle Corby have giggled off claims by A Downer that they were behind their half-fister's spell in the joint.

"I can't be bothered," they said as they said as they said.

"They're trying to bring us down, man!" said the one with the scissors.

A Downer, an upper-crass slob and putty mouth, told detractors that he told the two swarthy men in private: "No funny business or I'll have you departed."

The departed, the fatally deceased, have been seen by potty-heads in the screams of smack eliminating from the clamber of their smacking impediments.

It's funny how sisters bear the guillotine of their brothers.

"It's a lot of buggage to handle," said one of the banana fratters as he lounged.

About the house -




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As predelicted by ALP soothslayer and acclaimed French siren Gerard Depardieu (pictured), the formerly heavily pregnant tinkerer of evil thoughts and Liberal stalled-wart gave a wide birth to the demon in a ritual's laughter.

"I hate to say I told you so," the flagrant frog told the depressed mother as Dr. Nelson delivered the demon from the evil clutches of the Liberal party drink tank


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The vertically challenged giant of America has suffered a mild concussion after the roof fell in on her when she tried to change a lightbulb on the chandelier.

"How many women does it take to change a lightbulb on a chandelier?" paralegals asked her to test the veracity of her concussion


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Bush Texas Wedding Spectacular

May 12th 2008 00:08
Held in the labyrinthial dungeons of the Whitehouse, US Presidenture George W. Bush married his daughter of twenty or so ears in a lavish musical conducted by the reanimated corpse of Nazi synthesizer Herbert Von Karajan.

"I was very happy to give away my daughter," Bush said under his breathmint


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Josef Fritzl scrutinizes his daughter's profile

Captain Von Trapp, the father of his seven grandchildren, believes that the Holocaust is a conspiracy cocked up by the Jews.

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Transmen across Mother Earth are falling pregnant thanks to the latest craze that is weeping the floor: tears.

"Women have been stealing our jobs for years," one heavily fertile transman told his hairdresser


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Twins Ruin JLo's Cunning Stunt

March 21st 2008 22:15
Corn-lover, chimp-magnet, and dog-skinner, Jennifer Lopez has been upstaged in a special ceremony to honour the charitable work of her crab-catcher.

The mangey oyster, responsible for more head-trauma than her larynx, will never be the sane again after delivering two bouncing baby bangers onto a plate of mash


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Norman Bates Holds Slide Night

March 13th 2008 02:44
Mum's the word

The convicted felon took bored guests through photographs of his travails throughout poor countries in an evening of showering and sandwiches.

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Sting ends chase for Pumpkin's dad

March 1st 2008 00:57
The Chinese Police is torture to dissidents

The former Police chief, Sting, has told told a Pumpkin's dad that he's never been so in love with someone who wasn't himself, after the vegetable's father vowed to weld him.

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That old mother Hubbard embarks on another business vulture, Orble

"Orble and Scientology are totally different. On the one hand Scientology makes promises it can't keep, and Orble..." L. Ron Hubbard told his old girl.

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Britney's Grandmother Opens Up

February 8th 2008 01:32
Britney's mothers admit to fathering themselves

"As soon as I gave birth to her, I hit the wall," the ageing matriarch told parasites ticking off Britney, "because I was running a marathon."

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"I've had to take a pay cut to play this role," the media mongol told his rampaging whores in a leaked press release.

Pygmalion, the mythological scalper who brought his whore-creation to life, is a role that has had stars crawling over their own dead bodies to read for


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