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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

Knickerless Indian women have stormed a luxury hotel, where suspected Muslims were holding a religious festival, to release the Western tourists caught in the festivities.

"It was horrible. I looked up the traditional dress of this curry-muncher. It was nothing like the movies. It was like looking at a very hairy train-wreck," one distraught survivor recounted.

"The Muslims were enjoying a special day in their calendar: Everybody Wear Pants Day. Then the Indian ladies broke down the door and flashed their badgers," said another recovering alcoholic.

"We knew who they were. There was really no need for them to show us their...I'm sorry. They really...sorry. It was awful. I thought I was going to throw up," another clearly offended victim said.

"I'm not a fully practising Muslim but even I knew that this is a very special part of their religion. To make such a mockery of my beliefs was truly appalling," a bespectacled and bearded survivor told.

"What I've just seen will stay with me for the rest of my life. It just so happened that I had my camera with me. I rushed off to the tattooist to get it painted onto my palm," a clearly shaking Westerner said.

"We were conducting our religious festival when this woman with no pants and no underwear and no razor broke down the door. It looked like my uncle Javed Miandad," a dead Muslim told Allah.

Emergency supplies of Bonds have been shipped to Mumbai, along with Ambassador Pat Rafter, to try and ease the tension and give support to the clearly sagging internal strife affecting Indians.



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Georgian fashion police are overworked

Fashion victims in Georgia are experiencing relief after receiving emergency aid from the West's leading labels, but for many it's too late.

"This outfit could feed my family for a year," said one ungrateful peasant, unpleasantly walking down the rat-walk (sewer pipe).

Designers were so horrified by refugees' plight that they donated last season's catalogue to a mixture of clapping and cheering, but it's so last season.

"We have to bring these people into the 21st century," leading designer Karl Lagerfeld told the huddling masses as they fled in a cloud of Obsession by Calvin Klein.

Russia, a shining example of capitalist shine, has expressed remorse that it's summery campaign of summary slaughter didn't go far enough.

"Tank-tops are in and dead people are out," Russian President Dimitri Medvedev was told by advisors, as he gentlemanly fingered a red button.

The Georgian fashion police, packing heat but powerless to stop Russia, have been apprehending refugees described by many as criminal.

"I'd describe their look as criminal, but we can't just ignore them," whispered supermodel Tyra Banks, laughing all the way to one.

Georgia's fashionable victims are flocking to the morgue to look for loved ones as the tanktops roll out of their flattered cities.

Amputation is the highest from of flattening.

"I was very attached to my arms," said the body of one victim, wearing a flannel shirt with cotton trousers and, to the disgust of many, a wooden coat.

Arms are out.
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