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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

   


   


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Metrosexuals banned to curb violence

November 13th 2009 23:08
   


LINDSAY Lohan was dating Heath Ledger when he died, her mother has revealed in a phone call to the actress's father.

"So what are you wearing now?" the actress's father asked, tossing off his jacket after a long day at the office.

Lohan's mother, wearing a wire, was recorded as saying that she wasn't wearing anything, but asked her answering machine: "Does this turn you on?"

The answering machine, recording messages from the other side of the world, told us: "Please leave a message after the beep."

When we spoke to Lohan's mother she was wearing a wire, and was asked: "Don't you get cold? Or arrested?" To which she responded: "It's insulated."

Saddam Hussein hung his head when he heard Lindsay's mother open her trap and was urged to brush regularly. His hair is a mess.

I said to her: "Do you have to take all the good roles?" Her response came in the middle of trying on Heath Ledger. "Is this thing on?"

Lindsay Lohan, playing the role of her life as a victim, has been trying it on for as long as anyone can recall.

The actress's father, getting himself a knuckle sandwich, put down the phone and called for some new teeth.

"Smell the cheese," he said, making punch.

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Heath Ledger Sweats
We Stole His Gym Clothes! For A Steal
You Can Give Us That Lady's Handbag!
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How to be fabulous

October 29th 2009 21:55
Scappelle Corby Says Stripes Are Big
Corby says that you can't go past stripes

Most of us know how to live but not how to live well. There is a world of difference between the two — and the difference is drugs. It is better than beauty, brains and billions in the bank and it's never too late to acquire it, says convicted drug mule Schapelle Corby and political failure Natasha Stott Despoja.

WAYS TO SHINE

Use imagination in all you do


Say you've just farted in a public place. See that elderly man you're wheeling around in a shopping trolley? In front of you. Look disapprovingly at him as you turn up your face to people you pass by. Kick once. Repeat.

Rise above things

When people come at you with a kitchen knife. Let's say your neglected children. Grab their hair and press your thumbs into their eye sockets. Do this until their screams fill your house with laughter. Yours.

Dress to feel good

Wrap yourself in your work. By that, we mean packets of cannabis.

Put your faith in the classics

A few cones followed by a case of beer. Followed by the first thing. Whack on some trackie dacks to get a packet of chips. Forget what you left the house for. Forget where you live. Get lost. Crash your car for the night.

Maintain your standards

Never don't get absolutely shit-faced in front of someone you've got the hots for. I'll never forget when I was blind sober with my dad. Lucky for me, my aunty never found out. I never would have got in her pants if she had caught a whiff of carbon dioxide on me. She had left her pants in my dad's bed.

Don't try too hard

If a bloke thinks you've put pants on just for him he'll think your easy. If you hear someone trying to break in through a window, don't bother with the pants. It's probably that really hot 14 year-old you like. Your nephew's half-brother's dad.

Aim for a compliment a day

Even if it's just pinching chocolate bars from the video store, tell your kids what mum always told you. SHUT UP, YOU!

Australian Style, by Schappelle Corby and Natasha Stott Despoja, is published by Penguin/Lantern and is out today, $3.95. Present your five finger discount and get in trouble with the law, again.
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A NEW YORK blogger who described a model as a “skank” is planning to sue Google for $18 million after the internet giant revealed her identity.

In a thinly-disguised swipe at husband Andre, she is reported to have boasted to a friend about her new man's Calvin Klein underpants.

"She is lost in her own bewildering world where fantasy, hallucinations and bizarre ideas dominate her mind," Dr Phillips told New Idea magazine.

Grunting and swearing coarsely, he pulls down his jeans and his Calvin Klein underpants to expose himself fully for the cameras.

Dr Phillips, the suspected bomber of the USS Cole, says the 32-year-old will continue to deteriorate unless she is subjected to waterboarding, a form of near drowning widely regarded as torture.

Interrogators tried to lead Abd al-Rahim al-Nashiri, former president of the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists, to believe that he was a tall Canadian blonde who has modelled for Giorgio Armani and Versace.

"Tonight you were judged on how you looked in a bathing suit," Valeria Mazza, the judge selected to probe Nashiri with a question, asked.

"In some countries women aren't allowed to wear a swimsuit. How does that make you feel?"

"Our aim is to show there are workers here who will do anything to save their jobs, even take their clothes off," said Nashiri, who was captured in November 2002 and held for four years in one of the CIA's secret prisons.

The crowd liked the answer but apparently it was not enough to score the Miss Universe crown.

In a separate encounter, an interrogator "revved" a power drill near Nashiri as he stood naked and hooded in a cell at a glittering ceremony in the Bahamas today.


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A French teenager shot and killed his parents and twin brothers, apparently while they were asleep in their home on the island of Corsica, police said Thursday.

Police arrested the priest in a car park at Parramatta, in western Sydney, at 12.30pm (AEST) on Thursday, and later charged him with grooming a person under the age of 16.

He had apparently locked himself out of his room.

"No one should eat plants or parts of plants that have an unusual taste."

"I love a skinny bitch, but a naturally skinny bitch with curves," he said.

She added: "I'm going to try hard to pout and not shatter the illusion that I'm a moody cow, but I don't know if I can."

"Not everything that looks like fruit and vegetable is edible," she said in a statement on Wednesday.

They are expecting their first child and have decided not to learn its sex before the birth.

Colac vet Shane Lyons said he'd never seen such a deformity in almost 20 years in the industry and wondered what the odds would be for the calf or the cow to survive the birth.

Colour was everywhere but nowhere more so than with Easton Pearson, whose collection offered a choice of yellow, hot pink or bright green.

The controversy will not help Senator Heffernan's bid to shore up his preselection before next year's federal election.

He owns 253 pairs of shoes, men's and women's, makes his own outfits by recycling odds and ends and bemoans the designer trend for stick-figure, size zero models.

A fourth man was wearing a checked shirt, dark jacket, and pants with the number nine printed on the side of the leg.

"I'm very pleased. I think it's a great victory for free speech and the right to criticise religion," he said.

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THE young women of Baghdad acknowledge there are more serious concerns in Iraq these days than hair, clothes and makeup.

"Shoes," Miss Iraq said, gearing up for her role as a diplomat at the Miss Universe extravaganza in the Bahamas in August, "These shoes rule!" she said, sinking in the slipper.

Iraqi Muntazer al-Zaidi, 30, was convicted by a Baghdad court on March 12 of attempting to assault Bush during his farewell visit to the Iraqi capital in December.

"These shoes suck," she said, throwing one at the judges, "These shoes suck," she said, brushing up on her diplomacy skills, "These shoes suck!" she said, reviewing another pair, that Miss Australia wore in the mouth.

UNLIKE Miss California Carrie Prejean, who fuelled international furore after publicly opposing gay marriage, our Miss Australia is a diplomat.

"I hate those Iraqi poofters," Miss Australia Rachel Finch said, "They're so divided by religion," she said, "The men take it up the arse," she said, chewing on the Muslim contestant's thong.

A Muslim and a native Emirati, she wears a full-length black niqab, with only her brown eyes showing through narrow slits, and sprinkles her conversation with quotes from the Koran.

"Where I'm from," she told the judges, "The men are so divided," she explained, "They can only practice the marital arts on each other," she said, "That means marriage is a pain in the arse," she said, throwing on a pair of thongs.

DELTA Goodrem put her best foot forward in the name of charity yesterday, lining up to complete the last leg of The Nuns' Run.

"Nuns have really hairy ones," the Muslim contestant said, banging out a number, "I've seen primates with less," she said, brushing up on her mo.

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The pants of two hotel patrons caught on fire after a petrol bomb was thrown at a nightspot in Melbourne's northern suburbs on Saturday.

The Communist Party of Australia (CPOA) has claimed responsibility for the attack, saying intoxicated capitalists will get hurt for speaking.

"As soon as they opened their mouths, their pants were on fire," said a leading member of the vanguard, lighting up and putting out a pair of pants.

The Capitalist Party of Australia (CPOA) has claimed responsibility for the misunderstanding, saying that one of its members ordered a cock-sucking cowboy that came in the form of a stiff drink.

"I was just sittng at the bar waiting for another round," said a CPOA stalwart, blind and drunk, "All of a sudden, I opened my mouth and could feel a warm sensation in my pants."

The two parties, hosing down speculation of a rift, have met for another round of talks to try and resolve the issue of who wears the more fashionable pants.

"Definitely, my pants are hotter," said a CPOA propaganda machinist, "They're based on an original design by Senator Joe McCarthy," they said, squeezing into a pair of hotpants.

The CPOA refused to be drawn for a comment into the cause of why their pants were on fire, for fear of the consequences it could have on the strides they'd made.

"I'll say this, we of the CPOA will not be drawn into playing silly games with the CPOA," a CPOA spy said, measuring himself against a CPOA infiltrator standing over the urinals.



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AN Azeri immigrant in Russia's northern city of Saint Petersburg has been charged with hiring hit men to kill his 21-year-old daughter for wearing a mini-skirt.

The girl, incited to wear the potentially provocative garment by The Soon To Be World Famous Online Vintage Craft Book Museum (TSTBWFOVCBV), was taken to a secluded location for a shoot in the back of the head.

"She should have seen it coming," said a leading designer, "But she was wearing a blindfold, at the time," he said, "Everything about her screamed fashion-victim."

"I can't help think that if she had been wearing a Nun's habit none of this would have happened," the intelligent designer explained, snapping away, happily.

The father of the daughter taken for an expensive shoot in a secluded location has been held for questioning the intelligent designer's mysterious ways.

"I knew I should not have questioned intelligent designer's mysterious ways as soon as I looked up the skirt on TSTBWFOVCBV and asked why," the father confessed to fashion police.

"It daughter fault for inciting religious tension by wearing provocative skirt that make me hard up for cash," the father said, feeling inside his pockets for a gun.

The mini-skirt, not part of the intelligent designer's master-plan, has been held up as an example of a cheap way to dress by those with pockets.

"It diabolical little number that make man want to look up and ask for a long sentence down there," the father said, pointing to the underworld.

"Since atheism crumble we people have more right to practice covering up dead gorgeous girl so she can't have life," said the gravediggers, dishing the dirt.



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MICHELLE Obama started a fashion debate by going sleeveless, but Australian First Lady Therese Rein turned heads in New York yesterday by going flamboyantly in the other direction.

As predicted on The Soon To Be Famous Online Vintage Craft Book Museum, the controversial Butterick 5184 Sewing Pattern, made famous by Adolf Hitler, has backed Therese Rein with its full support.

"I may only be a sewing pattern, but believe me when I say that she needs all the support she can get. Fifty years of gravity can make anyone feel like a joke," the pattern, unusually vociferous, said.

"It screams, you," Michelle Obama, wearing little more than a hessian sack, said as she turned her head to look around and around and around and said of Mr Rudd's missus: "I think I've seen worse, but I can't remember if I left the oven on."

Women, wildly believed to be best placed to make the most of their gifts in the kitchen and the bedroom, have been slaving away under the weight of horribly unintelligent designers for years.

"It is only through Butterick 5184 that the true meaning of intelligent design can be fully appreciated. Something like that doesn't just happen through a series of adaptations to the environment," a furious Rudd preached to the awaiting missus.

"I mean, I'm happy to wear anything that won't enable women to move freely through their lives. This intelligently designed thing makes me wish I was one," Mr Rudd, immaculately groomed, said to the seething missus, pins in his mouth.



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Are you tired of questions about when you last changed underwear? Japan's space scientists may have just the answer -- lock yourself in your room and never leave.

"The only way to avoid the glare of the prying eyes, and questions, of the outside world is to lock yourself in your room and never leave. It means that you can lie around in your undies all day," Neil Armstrong told Buzz Aldrin.

"It may be a small step to take, but believe me it's not a giant leap to avoid anyone staring at you. My hygiene was so awful that it was decided I had to be sent away, as far as possible," Neil told Houston.

"It takes a very special sort of person to live without the normal pressures of people here on Earth. Someone who can find levity in the most awful gravity, is not something we see much here under the influence of the Moon," Neil said, snapping his undies.

"My advice to young people is, if you are going to wear underwear, make sure that you find a pair with plenty of room in the back. You never know what unidentified objects might take to the air," Neil said trying to take (them) off.

"If you ever do go to the paradise in the sky, pack a pair of fresh undies. I shit you not, I realised that I shat myself only after I had taken (them) off," he said.

"You should have seen my walking around up there. I found I needed to change my strides. It made me wish I could strut around as God had intended. Under the weight of the world," the lightweight said, blowing his nose.
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As reported on The Soon To Be Famous Vintage Craft Book Musuem, McCalls 8184 sewing pattern, a pattern popularised by Fidel Castro's wife, is back in fashion.

"This is excellent news for workers of the world cying out for a new uniform that is both attractive and comfortable, not to mention excellent for dismantling a church in," Castro said.

Castro looked as radiant as ever decked out in a McCall's 2128 Sewing Pattern he picked up while holidaying in the Communist holiday enclave of Hollywood.

"It's a garb popularised by Doris Day and I think it really brings out your eyes," Castro's closest advisor told him as he went through items on the agenda.

The first order of business was to get McCall's 8184 Sewing Pattern back onto the backs of the people and re-establish control of the entire world, mwuhahahahaha.

"Only through this dress will you be able to see my wife's important business," Castro told the people as he reached the end of the catwalk before putting his hands on his hips, with an attitude appropriate to the clothes on his back.

It is understood that his wife will be giving a demonstration through the streets of Cuba that will include various tips on how to accessorise properly with the heads of the various churches.

"This summer it's all about coded messages delivered through items of apparel," she told leading designers and workers of the world as she laid out plans and, brandishing scissors, ran through the house, foolishly.


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AUSTRALIA'S sexy supermodel Miranda Kerr has unveiled her secret scent, which is clearly inspired by her boyfriend Orlando Bloom.

"It's made from crushed pansies and looks extremely wet, which it is," the supermodel, a symbol for all that is deep and meaningful, told the lab.

"As a symmetrical physical specimen of geometrically pleasant proportions, I know what it takes to be a man. Lots of money," she told the lab.

"When I first saw Orlando he must have been at least eight metres tall. I didn't recognise him when we first met. I thought, who is this smelly midget?" she told the lab.

"This smelly midget, he told me, is someone who could easily be my double and, like I said, we often switch. When I'm him, I feel ten feet. He's one weird mutant," she confessed.

"I mean, a man should never have more shoes than a woman. He's like an octopus except he's prone to hide behind a cloud of ink," she told the lab.

"Sometimes I forget my lines, but I know that there's always injecting it or taking it orally. We're talking about the movies, now. Try to keep up," she told the lab.

"The real reason I am here today is to see if we can't make this insipid, dull and arrogant scent less interesting. It reminds me too much of Zac Efron," she told the lab.

"I think if we just bottle some puddles and call it Heavenly Scent we'll keep the good Christians of this world happy. Is that an oxymoron?" she told the lab.

"Nup, it smells like toilet water. Stop mucking around. I want it to have the depth of a puddle with the allure of something wet and shallow!" she told the lab.





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An Islamic school in Brisbane has been accused of banning the playing of the national anthem this week in a northern Iranian city during a crackdown on "satanic" clothes.

The measures are the latest in a country-wide campaign against Western cultural influence in the Australian International Islamic College, where strict dress codes are enforced, a former teacher says.

"Police confronted rascals and thugs who appeared in public wearing satanic fashions and singing Advance Australia Fair," Qaemshahr city police commander Mahmoud Rahmani told Pravin Chand, who says he was dismissed last month.

Rahmani also said that five teachers were shut and 20 more warned for "the singing of the anthem," a memo to the school in July obtained by The Courier-Mail newspaper, says.

Outgoing principal Azroul Liza Khalid says she had not heard the anthem once at assembly, although she had men sporting spiky "Western" hairstyles or women wearing tight trousers and high boots.

Women are supposed to wear clothing. But some, particularly in cities, denied the shape of their bodies.

This worries them when spokeswoman for Queensland Education Minister Rod Welford is under pressure from the West over their disputed nuclear work, they say.

"There's an expectation some analysts say the authorities fear occasions when the flag is being raised," she said.

It is not compulsory for Islamic Republics to play the Australian national anthem.

"Some individuals, not knowing what culture they are imitating, play the Australian national anthem that was designed by the enemies of this country," Rahmani said.

"The enemies of this country are trying to divert our youth and breed them the way they want and deprive them the playing of the anthem at future assemblies," he added.

Iran's supreme leader, corrupt, has, in the past, suggested the Islamic school's enemies may try infiltrating a newspaper.






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Knickerless Indian women have stormed a luxury hotel, where suspected Muslims were holding a religious festival, to release the Western tourists caught in the festivities.

"It was horrible. I looked up the traditional dress of this curry-muncher. It was nothing like the movies. It was like looking at a very hairy train-wreck," one distraught survivor recounted.

"The Muslims were enjoying a special day in their calendar: Everybody Wear Pants Day. Then the Indian ladies broke down the door and flashed their badgers," said another recovering alcoholic.

"We knew who they were. There was really no need for them to show us their...I'm sorry. They really...sorry. It was awful. I thought I was going to throw up," another clearly offended victim said.

"I'm not a fully practising Muslim but even I knew that this is a very special part of their religion. To make such a mockery of my beliefs was truly appalling," a bespectacled and bearded survivor told.

"What I've just seen will stay with me for the rest of my life. It just so happened that I had my camera with me. I rushed off to the tattooist to get it painted onto my palm," a clearly shaking Westerner said.

"We were conducting our religious festival when this woman with no pants and no underwear and no razor broke down the door. It looked like my uncle Javed Miandad," a dead Muslim told Allah.

Emergency supplies of Bonds have been shipped to Mumbai, along with Ambassador Pat Rafter, to try and ease the tension and give support to the clearly sagging internal strife affecting Indians.



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Georgian fashion police are overworked

Fashion victims in Georgia are experiencing relief after receiving emergency aid from the West's leading labels, but for many it's too late.

"This outfit could feed my family for a year," said one ungrateful peasant, unpleasantly walking down the rat-walk (sewer pipe).

Designers were so horrified by refugees' plight that they donated last season's catalogue to a mixture of clapping and cheering, but it's so last season.

"We have to bring these people into the 21st century," leading designer Karl Lagerfeld told the huddling masses as they fled in a cloud of Obsession by Calvin Klein.

Russia, a shining example of capitalist shine, has expressed remorse that it's summery campaign of summary slaughter didn't go far enough.

"Tank-tops are in and dead people are out," Russian President Dimitri Medvedev was told by advisors, as he gentlemanly fingered a red button.

The Georgian fashion police, packing heat but powerless to stop Russia, have been apprehending refugees described by many as criminal.

"I'd describe their look as criminal, but we can't just ignore them," whispered supermodel Tyra Banks, laughing all the way to one.

Georgia's fashionable victims are flocking to the morgue to look for loved ones as the tanktops roll out of their flattered cities.

Amputation is the highest from of flattening.

"I was very attached to my arms," said the body of one victim, wearing a flannel shirt with cotton trousers and, to the disgust of many, a wooden coat.

Arms are out.
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