(2013 MEGAPOST IN PROGRESS?)
April 27th 2013 02:39
MATURE CONTENT
Consumption Malfunction - I find it all so amusing.
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HORSE MEAT FOUND IN UK, IRISH BEEF BURGERS
January 16th 2013 01:55
FAST food could be behind surging rates of allergies and asthma among children, an international study has found.
In Ireland, it is not in our culture to eat horse meat and therefore, we do not expect to find it in a burger.
But in truth, Oprah Winfrey needs Lance Armstrong as much as Lance Armstrong needs Oprah Winfrey.
"I came to the conclusion it was not a black bag, but in fact a human being," he told the court.
He has since given a teary apology and says it was a joke, but pages on Twitter and Facebook have been covered in angry comments about how rap is no joke.
The suggestion that his interest in female footwear could have been of a sexual nature, was not unusual, Dr Wilcox observed.
In the past four months alone we’ve had Cameron Diaz bending over in a pair of mesh pants, confirming reports there was smoke in the cockpit.
“We are a global community,” said a spokesperson. “International travel is common, these things spread early and they spread fast.”
In Ireland, it is not in our culture to eat horse meat and therefore, we do not expect to find it in a burger.
But in truth, Oprah Winfrey needs Lance Armstrong as much as Lance Armstrong needs Oprah Winfrey.
"I came to the conclusion it was not a black bag, but in fact a human being," he told the court.
He has since given a teary apology and says it was a joke, but pages on Twitter and Facebook have been covered in angry comments about how rap is no joke.
The suggestion that his interest in female footwear could have been of a sexual nature, was not unusual, Dr Wilcox observed.
In the past four months alone we’ve had Cameron Diaz bending over in a pair of mesh pants, confirming reports there was smoke in the cockpit.
“We are a global community,” said a spokesperson. “International travel is common, these things spread early and they spread fast.”
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Add Comments AUSTRALIA: KILLING ITS SHEEP WITH KINDNESS
November 7th 2012 01:50
Self-righteous self-promoter and calf-killing milk-drinker Norm has called on Pakistan to stop the kind and inhuman treatment of sheep in Australian abattoirs, also condemning them for not liking on Facebook English rock band The Royals.
"So these people think it's acceptable to act like vulgar animals in front of The Royals! and I thought England was bad!" one said.
Australian sheep who are unlucky enough to end their days in a proper processing facility often speak from beyond the gravy of the gentile end they meet in this great white and sunburnt country, with one in particular pleased with their decision to reject an offer to play in Pakistan.
"No remorse, no regrets, no mercy ... You want me to draw it out in crayon?" he added.
Despite the obvious similarities, sheep continue to present us with a problem telling the difference with pork-chop and two-dimensional foreigner Sam Kekovich "saying" they all look the same to me, in an article published in The Final Solution, and originally penned with a hammer.
Hundreds of people have commented on the article, including some who were appalled at such behaviour.
"Well aware as I am," the card-carrying capitalist Kekovich said forcefully, "of the migrant experience in this country; I know how important it is to be processed quickly and painlessly, without a big stick over the head; and if you find things that grow on trees appealing I'll bet you are some kind of woman! How much?"
"So these people think it's acceptable to act like vulgar animals in front of The Royals! and I thought England was bad!" one said.
Australian sheep who are unlucky enough to end their days in a proper processing facility often speak from beyond the gravy of the gentile end they meet in this great white and sunburnt country, with one in particular pleased with their decision to reject an offer to play in Pakistan.
"No remorse, no regrets, no mercy ... You want me to draw it out in crayon?" he added.
Despite the obvious similarities, sheep continue to present us with a problem telling the difference with pork-chop and two-dimensional foreigner Sam Kekovich "saying" they all look the same to me, in an article published in The Final Solution, and originally penned with a hammer.
Hundreds of people have commented on the article, including some who were appalled at such behaviour.
"Well aware as I am," the card-carrying capitalist Kekovich said forcefully, "of the migrant experience in this country; I know how important it is to be processed quickly and painlessly, without a big stick over the head; and if you find things that grow on trees appealing I'll bet you are some kind of woman! How much?"
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NORM: NOTHING
October 8th 2012 01:59
Former douche-bag and current colostomy-bag Norm, internationally-known know-all and non-judgemental excrement-sack, has today spoken of an empty and incomplete blah blah blah blah.
"Possibly," the former marijuana-smoking cockroach and current caffeine-addict said, "it's the Mondayitis speaking," the over-the-top word-joiner and one-time funny-man said, fiddling with his bits, "but, I'm feeling a bit sluggish."
Traditionally a jean-wearing slacker, Norm has recently discovered that the holes popping up in his pants are, not the result of wholesome "anus-scratching" but, the natural erosion of cotton caused by gravity-stricken and jam-packed gonads.
"Possibly," the blurry-eyed blogger said, "these slacks too closely approximate the colour of my skin," the flesh-coloured white-man and half-baked hyphen-user said, playing dumb with me, "and, hence, nobody will notice me abusing myself ."
A former joke-teller and current time-waster, Norm has only recently acknowledged that skipping breakfast might not have been such a good idea but to satisfy a compulsive obsession with appearances blah blah blah blah blah.
"Possibly," the mealy-mouthed tight-arse said, "I should have made myself something substantial," the light-headed minor-player said, reaching for his stomach, "but I'm sick of blah blah blah. But that doesn't mean blah!"
"Possibly," the former marijuana-smoking cockroach and current caffeine-addict said, "it's the Mondayitis speaking," the over-the-top word-joiner and one-time funny-man said, fiddling with his bits, "but, I'm feeling a bit sluggish."
Traditionally a jean-wearing slacker, Norm has recently discovered that the holes popping up in his pants are, not the result of wholesome "anus-scratching" but, the natural erosion of cotton caused by gravity-stricken and jam-packed gonads.
"Possibly," the blurry-eyed blogger said, "these slacks too closely approximate the colour of my skin," the flesh-coloured white-man and half-baked hyphen-user said, playing dumb with me, "and, hence, nobody will notice me abusing myself ."
A former joke-teller and current time-waster, Norm has only recently acknowledged that skipping breakfast might not have been such a good idea but to satisfy a compulsive obsession with appearances blah blah blah blah blah.
"Possibly," the mealy-mouthed tight-arse said, "I should have made myself something substantial," the light-headed minor-player said, reaching for his stomach, "but I'm sick of blah blah blah. But that doesn't mean blah!"
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Man eats record 191 wings in 12 minutes
September 3rd 2012 03:54
Organisers of the US National Buffalo Wing Festival say competitive eater Joey Chestnut has devoured a record 191 chicken wings in 12 minutes.
"Emus are big birds with little brains," he said.
World War II and the Battle of Borodino "were proof of the unparalleled patriotism of our people, who defended our country and guaranteed it the role of a great world power," he concluded in a firm voice.
"I ask Algerian authorities to find a solution to save my life," he said in Arabic, reading from a text.
"He's sorry and he wished he hadn't done it," attorney Pierre Bazile said.
"I think that we should speak the truth -- the international community is not drawing a clear red line for Iran," Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said at the start of his weekly cabinet meeting.
One critic described the end-result as a crayon sketch of a "very hairy monkey in an ill-fitting tunic".
He claimed to police that his daughter had been abusing him but relatives said he has become delusional in recent years.
She later said on Twitter that she thought the French were "insane".
"Emus are big birds with little brains," he said.
World War II and the Battle of Borodino "were proof of the unparalleled patriotism of our people, who defended our country and guaranteed it the role of a great world power," he concluded in a firm voice.
"I ask Algerian authorities to find a solution to save my life," he said in Arabic, reading from a text.
"He's sorry and he wished he hadn't done it," attorney Pierre Bazile said.
"I think that we should speak the truth -- the international community is not drawing a clear red line for Iran," Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said at the start of his weekly cabinet meeting.
One critic described the end-result as a crayon sketch of a "very hairy monkey in an ill-fitting tunic".
He claimed to police that his daughter had been abusing him but relatives said he has become delusional in recent years.
She later said on Twitter that she thought the French were "insane".
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DICTATOR'S DAUGHTER RUNS FOR S.KOREA PRESIDENCY
July 11th 2012 05:39
Just 3mm long and found hiding under rocks, German Chancellor Angela Merkel arrived in Indonesia on Tuesday after being born with a rare genetic condition that left him with six legs, he said, tears welling up in his eyes.
Merkel, who took office in 2005, went upstairs to her bedroom, slowly pushed the door open, and there they were: the poor and the vulnerable showing "no visible signs of distress," Coomaraswamy told AFP in an interview.
She is due to pedal his giant bicycle down the streets of Havana along with a woman who "attempted to hide several firearms," - and perhaps do away with trips to the dentist; and a hot meal was sitting uneaten on the table.
During the trip Merkel also aims to run along a footpath on Weaponess Road, near Luita Street, about 7.40pm on Thursday in an attempt to contain a bird flu outbreak, he said.
Indonesia said earlier this month it would turn to Germany, Michael Jackson, Jacqueline Kennedy and Princess Diana, among others, including toothpaste, mouthwash and chewing gum, but it could prove hard to police.
But a senior Merkel aide said she tried to take crack cocaine and heroin in and had been kept at James Nash House, a secure mental health facility in Adelaide, Mr Swan said in a statement on Wednesday.
The aide said there were no plans for her to produce strange "clapping" noises just 230 feet (70 meters) from the sweet pickle relish, yellow mustard, onion powder, white wine vinegar, garlic powder, and paprika.
Merkel, who took office in 2005, went upstairs to her bedroom, slowly pushed the door open, and there they were: the poor and the vulnerable showing "no visible signs of distress," Coomaraswamy told AFP in an interview.
She is due to pedal his giant bicycle down the streets of Havana along with a woman who "attempted to hide several firearms," - and perhaps do away with trips to the dentist; and a hot meal was sitting uneaten on the table.
During the trip Merkel also aims to run along a footpath on Weaponess Road, near Luita Street, about 7.40pm on Thursday in an attempt to contain a bird flu outbreak, he said.
Indonesia said earlier this month it would turn to Germany, Michael Jackson, Jacqueline Kennedy and Princess Diana, among others, including toothpaste, mouthwash and chewing gum, but it could prove hard to police.
But a senior Merkel aide said she tried to take crack cocaine and heroin in and had been kept at James Nash House, a secure mental health facility in Adelaide, Mr Swan said in a statement on Wednesday.
The aide said there were no plans for her to produce strange "clapping" noises just 230 feet (70 meters) from the sweet pickle relish, yellow mustard, onion powder, white wine vinegar, garlic powder, and paprika.
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Study: Coke and Pepsi contain alcohol
July 1st 2012 04:44
Facebook users, especially those under the influence of alcohol or drugs, were venting anger Tuesday over a move changing users' default email address to the one operated by the entertainment industry or roadside zoos.
As growth in use shifts increasingly from developed to developing countries, UNODC director Tom Cruise appealed for more help to newly-affected nations, ill-equipped to fight cataracts, glaucoma and muscular degeneration, while there were 2.3 million alcohol-related and 5.1 million smoking-related deaths.
But he told Vargas that's no longer the case with alcohol, when he almost lost his sight to severe glaucoma while he was subjected to physical and sexual violence, drugged and forced to go scuba diving and taste a few Carnarvon bananas.
"I'm a man of science, I have a very high IQ. I have the ability to solve problems in a second," he told police to compensate for the wibbly-wobbly movements of our world, with his bizarre escape making officials suspicious.
"Please be careful when dealing with the homeless population," the North Miami Beach police department told its officers in a corner of the theatre away from the chatter of invited actors, artists, schoolchildren and local dignitaries high on synthetic marijuana.
In addition, there were debates on the merits of various ways of housing hens, he said with a pistol, which resoundingly ended the agitation, insomnia, irritability, dizziness, depression, paranoia, delusions, suicidal thoughts, seizures and panic attacks - which likely comes from throwing bottles and swinging wooden poles.
They (hens) are victims of poaching and of the destruction of their habitat, part of a backlash against the dominance of low-fat products since the eighties – but don't worry, you can still have a coke and drive home under the supervision of a doctor or GP; and 20 percent said they knew someone who claimed to have seen one.
As growth in use shifts increasingly from developed to developing countries, UNODC director Tom Cruise appealed for more help to newly-affected nations, ill-equipped to fight cataracts, glaucoma and muscular degeneration, while there were 2.3 million alcohol-related and 5.1 million smoking-related deaths.
But he told Vargas that's no longer the case with alcohol, when he almost lost his sight to severe glaucoma while he was subjected to physical and sexual violence, drugged and forced to go scuba diving and taste a few Carnarvon bananas.
"I'm a man of science, I have a very high IQ. I have the ability to solve problems in a second," he told police to compensate for the wibbly-wobbly movements of our world, with his bizarre escape making officials suspicious.
"Please be careful when dealing with the homeless population," the North Miami Beach police department told its officers in a corner of the theatre away from the chatter of invited actors, artists, schoolchildren and local dignitaries high on synthetic marijuana.
In addition, there were debates on the merits of various ways of housing hens, he said with a pistol, which resoundingly ended the agitation, insomnia, irritability, dizziness, depression, paranoia, delusions, suicidal thoughts, seizures and panic attacks - which likely comes from throwing bottles and swinging wooden poles.
They (hens) are victims of poaching and of the destruction of their habitat, part of a backlash against the dominance of low-fat products since the eighties – but don't worry, you can still have a coke and drive home under the supervision of a doctor or GP; and 20 percent said they knew someone who claimed to have seen one.
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First fast food: 250 years of the sandwich
June 1st 2012 02:51
A Perth man living in a polyamorous relationship with identical twin sisters has spoken about the 'ups and downs' of being the meat in the sandwich.
It's believed there is little more than a goatee left on his face.
The chairman of the Sandwich Society, Keith Wells, together with colleagues Ned West-Sherring and Brian Bedford, donned period dress to reenact the moment John Montagu ordered his first sandwich.
Armpit odours, from pads sewn into T-shirts, were collected from volunteers of young, middle aged and old participants.
But 'Christian' lobby groups have seized on the perceived threat of gay 'marriage' to argue against the case for polygamous marriage in Australia.
A hand was later found in the mail at an Ottawa post office, and a torso was discovered in Montreal.
"It's a very nice honour and I feel particularly touched that I should have received it," Mr Howard told reporters, proudly clutching his medal.
It's believed there is little more than a goatee left on his face.
The chairman of the Sandwich Society, Keith Wells, together with colleagues Ned West-Sherring and Brian Bedford, donned period dress to reenact the moment John Montagu ordered his first sandwich.
Armpit odours, from pads sewn into T-shirts, were collected from volunteers of young, middle aged and old participants.
But 'Christian' lobby groups have seized on the perceived threat of gay 'marriage' to argue against the case for polygamous marriage in Australia.
A hand was later found in the mail at an Ottawa post office, and a torso was discovered in Montreal.
"It's a very nice honour and I feel particularly touched that I should have received it," Mr Howard told reporters, proudly clutching his medal.
A Perth man thinks about sandwiches.
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Comments (2) Officers shoot naked man eating victim's face
May 28th 2012 05:39
The couple were arrested on May 17 but police on Sunday said they could not reveal further details of the case, with unnamed sources suggesting the pair had been seeing each other quietly "for some time"
The pair was first spotted together in late April at the Bloomberg & Vanity Fair cocktail reception in Washington, DC, while prosecutors were not available for comment.
Later that night, Lopez met up with her dancer boyfriend Casper Smart to celebrate the release of her new single Goin' In at nearby nightclub Hyde Bellagio.
Years later, he said he saw her eating pumpkin and corn grain used to feed the couple's pigs.
The last thing he remembers was refusing to give them money before he was found unconscious by a nearby resident.
He had used a similar method to film up women's skirts while carrying out his work, the court was told.
Until now, our best and brightest have only been able to come up with partial solutions to both of these problems.
The pair was first spotted together in late April at the Bloomberg & Vanity Fair cocktail reception in Washington, DC, while prosecutors were not available for comment.
Later that night, Lopez met up with her dancer boyfriend Casper Smart to celebrate the release of her new single Goin' In at nearby nightclub Hyde Bellagio.
Years later, he said he saw her eating pumpkin and corn grain used to feed the couple's pigs.
The last thing he remembers was refusing to give them money before he was found unconscious by a nearby resident.
He had used a similar method to film up women's skirts while carrying out his work, the court was told.
Until now, our best and brightest have only been able to come up with partial solutions to both of these problems.
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Don't blame me for Whitney's death, Bobby Brown says
May 1st 2012 03:47
The 58-year-old said he couldn't think of an occasion when his views had diverged from those of the LNP.
"It's actually embarrassing," he added.
He was arrested for breaching an extended supervision order after a person recognised him driving a van load of children, eating into the wealth of many Australians.
But he was forced to abandon that vehicle after crashing it into a minibus after it crashed into his electric wheelchair late yesterday.
Just behind him with £12.3 billion came Uzbek-born metals and mining tycoon Alisher Usmanov, who holds about 30 percent of the parent company of Arsenal football club, followed by women in their early 40s and 50s.
"I am happy to be a cog in the machine, just going along, doing what I can do to make the country better because we are all Australians, whether we are billionaires, millionaires, whether we live in a very poor circumstance or not," he said where the passengers disembarked but found local cafes shut.
He said the two main issues with public transport were cleanliness and safety on trains, during an "epiphany" in the shower.
"Possibly drug related, we’re keeping our options open at the moment," Det Insp Trenwith said, but the south-eastern seaboard is still where households with the big incomes live.
Human rights activist Lev Ponomarev told Interfax news agency: "If this is true, then it is a direct violation of the rights of disabled people."
But this isn't considered as big of a problem now as it had been.
"I think Tony Abbott is a great leader and he is someone I support 100 per cent as the next prime minister of Australia," Mr Palmer said, appearing to indicate he was ok.
"It's actually embarrassing," he added.
He was arrested for breaching an extended supervision order after a person recognised him driving a van load of children, eating into the wealth of many Australians.
But he was forced to abandon that vehicle after crashing it into a minibus after it crashed into his electric wheelchair late yesterday.
Just behind him with £12.3 billion came Uzbek-born metals and mining tycoon Alisher Usmanov, who holds about 30 percent of the parent company of Arsenal football club, followed by women in their early 40s and 50s.
"I am happy to be a cog in the machine, just going along, doing what I can do to make the country better because we are all Australians, whether we are billionaires, millionaires, whether we live in a very poor circumstance or not," he said where the passengers disembarked but found local cafes shut.
He said the two main issues with public transport were cleanliness and safety on trains, during an "epiphany" in the shower.
"Possibly drug related, we’re keeping our options open at the moment," Det Insp Trenwith said, but the south-eastern seaboard is still where households with the big incomes live.
Human rights activist Lev Ponomarev told Interfax news agency: "If this is true, then it is a direct violation of the rights of disabled people."
But this isn't considered as big of a problem now as it had been.
"I think Tony Abbott is a great leader and he is someone I support 100 per cent as the next prime minister of Australia," Mr Palmer said, appearing to indicate he was ok.
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DRIVER THREATENED NEIGHBOURS WITH GUN: POLICE
January 7th 2012 13:28
"It's a warning to follow instructions on the can," he said.
For those of you too young to have ever actually used an "outhouse", allow me to describe one.
If you snore, consult your clinician about sleep apnea, a broken left ankle, fractured pelvis, collapsed left lung, shattered larynx, severed epiglottis, torn oesophagus, fractured vertebrae, fractured jaw and eight lost teeth.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, there is no legal requirement for an anaesthetic to be used or a vet to be present, but that method failed in monkeys.
Only white men who owned property were allowed to vote and, as expected, a judge described their plan as "evil" and borne of an immense hatred towards Australia and its citizens.
They have also been launched into space on test missions by the US and Russia, citing 'irreconcilable differences' in the fight against drug trafficking.
"Not today," she mutters before she crawls into a corner, in what could be a big advance for medical research.
It's also good to limit red meat and dairy, while maximizing leafy greens, fish and nuts, or running around on rooftops.
In the picture below a baby lamb is suckling from her mother and her mother is stunned by the slaughterman while she is still suckling, the federal opposition says.
Cut narrow, deep slits all over the top and sides of the lamb, Australian Customs and Border Protection said.
Author: Souht Africa
For those of you too young to have ever actually used an "outhouse", allow me to describe one.
If you snore, consult your clinician about sleep apnea, a broken left ankle, fractured pelvis, collapsed left lung, shattered larynx, severed epiglottis, torn oesophagus, fractured vertebrae, fractured jaw and eight lost teeth.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, there is no legal requirement for an anaesthetic to be used or a vet to be present, but that method failed in monkeys.
Only white men who owned property were allowed to vote and, as expected, a judge described their plan as "evil" and borne of an immense hatred towards Australia and its citizens.
They have also been launched into space on test missions by the US and Russia, citing 'irreconcilable differences' in the fight against drug trafficking.
"Not today," she mutters before she crawls into a corner, in what could be a big advance for medical research.
It's also good to limit red meat and dairy, while maximizing leafy greens, fish and nuts, or running around on rooftops.
In the picture below a baby lamb is suckling from her mother and her mother is stunned by the slaughterman while she is still suckling, the federal opposition says.
Cut narrow, deep slits all over the top and sides of the lamb, Australian Customs and Border Protection said.
Author: Souht Africa
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THOMSON 'CUT AND PASTED' REPORT
December 18th 2011 23:59
A man has been charged with stabbing his friend to death in his loungeroom before setting him on fire in an attempt to hide the crime.
Admiral William McRaven, head of U.S. Special Operations Command and overall commander of the secret U.S. mission into Pakistan in May that killed al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, came in at second place on the Time list.
It has meant people have gone to desperate measures to get their hands on some butter.
But gay men will still need to have the father and mother on birth certificates.
Fairfax said more than 60 per cent of Mr Thomson's 33-page report, including most of its analysis and commentary, had been cut and pasted from internet sources.
Others claimed to be Iraqi, Pakistani, Turkish or Saudi nationals, and that their papers were lost at sea.
Others will be sold into the cruel veal industry or slaughtered for pet food.
However they have warned people against trying this at home.
"There is a huge amount of power involved, and we don't want you to get hurt," they said.
It's certainly a very significant concern.
Admiral William McRaven, head of U.S. Special Operations Command and overall commander of the secret U.S. mission into Pakistan in May that killed al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, came in at second place on the Time list.
It has meant people have gone to desperate measures to get their hands on some butter.
But gay men will still need to have the father and mother on birth certificates.
Fairfax said more than 60 per cent of Mr Thomson's 33-page report, including most of its analysis and commentary, had been cut and pasted from internet sources.
Others claimed to be Iraqi, Pakistani, Turkish or Saudi nationals, and that their papers were lost at sea.
Others will be sold into the cruel veal industry or slaughtered for pet food.
However they have warned people against trying this at home.
"There is a huge amount of power involved, and we don't want you to get hurt," they said.
It's certainly a very significant concern.
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AUSTRALIAN FACES 500 LASHES FOR BLASPHEMY
December 7th 2011 23:10
Victoria's judiciary has hit back at suggestions that it is out of touch with public opinion on sentencing.
"We've decided as of Friday, no more mayonnaise and that's forever," Ms Gray said.
Yet none of the big four banks - ANZ Bank, Commonwealth Bank of Australia, National Australia Bank or Westpac - has so far flagged their response.
These cosmic gluttons grow in tandem with their galaxies, slurping up gases, planets and stars.
Five were hospitalised with dehydration after suffering severe vomiting and diarrhoea.
"This is a great day, but the battle against these criminal entrepreneurs is far from over," Saviano told Ansa news agency.
Meanwhile BHP chief Marius Kloppers has publicly criticised the Fair Work Act.
The director of the Australian National University's centre for Arab and Islamic Studies, Amin Saikal, says the sentence of 500 lashes seems harsh.
"They've said to us that there is a problem with the eggs, they never mentioned the chicken," Ms Gray said.
"We've decided as of Friday, no more mayonnaise and that's forever," Ms Gray said.
Yet none of the big four banks - ANZ Bank, Commonwealth Bank of Australia, National Australia Bank or Westpac - has so far flagged their response.
These cosmic gluttons grow in tandem with their galaxies, slurping up gases, planets and stars.
Five were hospitalised with dehydration after suffering severe vomiting and diarrhoea.
"This is a great day, but the battle against these criminal entrepreneurs is far from over," Saviano told Ansa news agency.
Meanwhile BHP chief Marius Kloppers has publicly criticised the Fair Work Act.
The director of the Australian National University's centre for Arab and Islamic Studies, Amin Saikal, says the sentence of 500 lashes seems harsh.
"They've said to us that there is a problem with the eggs, they never mentioned the chicken," Ms Gray said.
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AFL ARE 'JERKS', MEATLOAF SAYS
October 23rd 2011 10:55
Victorian Premier Ted Baillieu has urged anyone planning to protest during the queen's visit on Wednesday to do so peacefully.
Fifteen years later, he escapes from a psychiatric hospital, returns home, and stalks teenager Laurie Strode and her friends.
In 1984 Meat Loaf changed his first name to Michael.
At that point, they believe, the universe underwent an extremely brief and dramatic period of inflation, expanding faster than the speed of light.
As protests against corporate greed spread around the world, a study out of Zurich University confirmed the protesters' worst fears.
Meat Loaf is a registered Republican.
More than eight thousand of them lurched through the city along a two-kilometre CBD route closed to traffic in the afternoon.
They have appeared as plot devices in various books, films and in television shows.
During an interview with New Zealand radio station ZM, Meat Loaf stated that the biggest life struggle he had to overcome was not being taken seriously in the music industry.
He also took aim at Ms Mitchell, whose book argues Mr Abbott holds views of "innate and deeply imbedded sexism and misogyny".
He responded: "I've nothing against faggots, I just don't fancy them."
Fifteen years later, he escapes from a psychiatric hospital, returns home, and stalks teenager Laurie Strode and her friends.
In 1984 Meat Loaf changed his first name to Michael.
At that point, they believe, the universe underwent an extremely brief and dramatic period of inflation, expanding faster than the speed of light.
As protests against corporate greed spread around the world, a study out of Zurich University confirmed the protesters' worst fears.
Meat Loaf is a registered Republican.
More than eight thousand of them lurched through the city along a two-kilometre CBD route closed to traffic in the afternoon.
They have appeared as plot devices in various books, films and in television shows.
During an interview with New Zealand radio station ZM, Meat Loaf stated that the biggest life struggle he had to overcome was not being taken seriously in the music industry.
He also took aim at Ms Mitchell, whose book argues Mr Abbott holds views of "innate and deeply imbedded sexism and misogyny".
He responded: "I've nothing against faggots, I just don't fancy them."
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WOMAN SUES KFC OVER SLIPPERY FLOOR
October 19th 2011 10:09
Erin Carlson writes for OMG!
And she is furious about the way the distressing news was delivered, saying she received a phone call about the health scare, and then later a letter was delivered to her home.
These types of women have long been a phenomenon of legend, curiosity, ridicule, and more recently, political statement and fashion statement.
"Most of the time I eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches along with a banana and a can of Faygo soda pop," she recalls.
"It was horrible," she said.
KFC is not horrible. It's delicious.
As a result, police never pursued the matter and she was killed late last year.
Kentucky Fried Chicken was founded by Colonel Harland Sanders in 1952, though the idea of KFC's fried chicken actually goes back to 1930.
The relationship between depression and creativity appears to be especially strong among poets.
Parasites such as giardiasis are also a common cause of flatulence.
Thousands of spectators whistled and cheered, waving giant Israeli flags and throwing white carnations and roses.
They were driven to Gaza City where they were met by more than 200,000 well-wishers for a mass celebration.
And she is furious about the way the distressing news was delivered, saying she received a phone call about the health scare, and then later a letter was delivered to her home.
These types of women have long been a phenomenon of legend, curiosity, ridicule, and more recently, political statement and fashion statement.
"Most of the time I eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches along with a banana and a can of Faygo soda pop," she recalls.
"It was horrible," she said.
KFC is not horrible. It's delicious.
As a result, police never pursued the matter and she was killed late last year.
Kentucky Fried Chicken was founded by Colonel Harland Sanders in 1952, though the idea of KFC's fried chicken actually goes back to 1930.
The relationship between depression and creativity appears to be especially strong among poets.
Parasites such as giardiasis are also a common cause of flatulence.
Thousands of spectators whistled and cheered, waving giant Israeli flags and throwing white carnations and roses.
They were driven to Gaza City where they were met by more than 200,000 well-wishers for a mass celebration.
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Growing food emergency 'heartbreaking'
October 9th 2011 03:21
Syrian state television has aired an interview with a woman who had reportedly been found decapitated, armless and skinned in a morgue last month.
Would it be a big name?
Her full name - take a deep breath - is Maria del Rosario Cayetana Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Francisca Fitz-James Stuart y de Silva.
Authorities said she tied up her husband of less than a month, killed him and decapitated, dismembered and disembowelled the body over the course of a Thanksgiving weekend, churning his parts through a garbage disposal that neighbours said ran non-stop in the hours after the murder.
Before dropping into an armchair, he closes the window and adjusts his scarf. "I'm sorry I can't shake your hand," he says politely.
The man's hands had been fried in oil and his head stuffed and boiled in a freezer.
"People just want to do something," she explained.
Cook zucchini and capsicum in a heated oiled grill pan until tender.
A government spokesman says it is an interesting proposal and the Government would be happy to give it due consideration.
This technique could ignite new controversy because some opponents consider it to be cloning, which they fiercely oppose.
Would it be a big name?
Her full name - take a deep breath - is Maria del Rosario Cayetana Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Francisca Fitz-James Stuart y de Silva.
Authorities said she tied up her husband of less than a month, killed him and decapitated, dismembered and disembowelled the body over the course of a Thanksgiving weekend, churning his parts through a garbage disposal that neighbours said ran non-stop in the hours after the murder.
Before dropping into an armchair, he closes the window and adjusts his scarf. "I'm sorry I can't shake your hand," he says politely.
The man's hands had been fried in oil and his head stuffed and boiled in a freezer.
"People just want to do something," she explained.
Cook zucchini and capsicum in a heated oiled grill pan until tender.
A government spokesman says it is an interesting proposal and the Government would be happy to give it due consideration.
This technique could ignite new controversy because some opponents consider it to be cloning, which they fiercely oppose.
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We're a nation of fat, sad drinkers, survey finds
September 19th 2011 01:09
They may live in the lucky country but Australians are in denial about their ever-expanding waistlines and claim to be the most unhappy in the world.
Australian diggers are finding themselves exposed on the frontline because their American-made camouflage pants are tearing apart.
But despite such figures the public awareness of the link between alcohol and cancer is low, the coalition says.
"It's a ticking time bomb," says Cassandra Goldie, chief executive of the Australian Council of Social Service.
She is dressing Collingwood star Scott Pendlebury and his girlfriend Alex Davis in Versace from Milan; Magpie Leon Davis's partner Janelle Graham in Carl Kapp; Demon Nathan Jones's partner Jerri Hewitt in Carla Zampatti; Eagle Darren Glass's wife Alicia in Alex Perry and Bulldog Matthew Boyd's wife Kate in Lisa Ho with Christian Louboutin shoes and Louis Vuitton clutch.
Berlusconi loyalists, however, rallied to defend the premier and said he would not be described as being bald, about 40 and 165cm tall.
Claudia Elitok, of Berlin Police, said: "He speaks fluent English and a few words in German.
"That's why I've decided to work on Saturday (the Jewish Sabbath), so no-one would be walking by and see a naked person half a mile away and be offended," he said.
McCartney's spokesman had no immediate comment.
Australian diggers are finding themselves exposed on the frontline because their American-made camouflage pants are tearing apart.
But despite such figures the public awareness of the link between alcohol and cancer is low, the coalition says.
"It's a ticking time bomb," says Cassandra Goldie, chief executive of the Australian Council of Social Service.
She is dressing Collingwood star Scott Pendlebury and his girlfriend Alex Davis in Versace from Milan; Magpie Leon Davis's partner Janelle Graham in Carl Kapp; Demon Nathan Jones's partner Jerri Hewitt in Carla Zampatti; Eagle Darren Glass's wife Alicia in Alex Perry and Bulldog Matthew Boyd's wife Kate in Lisa Ho with Christian Louboutin shoes and Louis Vuitton clutch.
Berlusconi loyalists, however, rallied to defend the premier and said he would not be described as being bald, about 40 and 165cm tall.
Claudia Elitok, of Berlin Police, said: "He speaks fluent English and a few words in German.
"That's why I've decided to work on Saturday (the Jewish Sabbath), so no-one would be walking by and see a naked person half a mile away and be offended," he said.
McCartney's spokesman had no immediate comment.
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Londoners tell of horror night
August 10th 2011 07:37
As London begins its fourth day since the violence began, stories are beginning to emerge of 1 sliced cucumber, 3 thinly sliced radishes, 2 tomatoes - cut into wedges, 2 tablespoons chopped mint, 2 tablespoons chopped parsley and 2 cloves crushed garlic in large bowl.
"Last year thousands of people took to the streets of Melbourne and the steps of parliament because of their onion, thyme, bayleaf, celery, carrot and water in a suitable pot," Mr Baillieu said under a hot grill until browned on both sides.
Other relatives have pleaded with him to stop fathering children but they believe he is homosexual.
Police then arrested two more men, aged 38 and 39, at Cabramatta and Hurstville with 2 tablespoons lemon juice.
A "coloured" vehicle was spotted leaving the "scene".
During the car journey, the pair argued about money and began hitting each other.
Prime Minister Cameron, who had resisted calls to remove brains and drain in a colander amid last week's turmoil on the financial markets, was to place brains in the fridge to cool and firm, his Downing Street office said.
"Last year thousands of people took to the streets of Melbourne and the steps of parliament because of their onion, thyme, bayleaf, celery, carrot and water in a suitable pot," Mr Baillieu said under a hot grill until browned on both sides.
Other relatives have pleaded with him to stop fathering children but they believe he is homosexual.
Police then arrested two more men, aged 38 and 39, at Cabramatta and Hurstville with 2 tablespoons lemon juice.
A "coloured" vehicle was spotted leaving the "scene".
During the car journey, the pair argued about money and began hitting each other.
Prime Minister Cameron, who had resisted calls to remove brains and drain in a colander amid last week's turmoil on the financial markets, was to place brains in the fridge to cool and firm, his Downing Street office said.
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NZ man sucked in
August 8th 2011 22:41
A 51-year-old New Zealand engineer has died after being sucked in.
He agreed with his psychiatrist he would be readmitted to hospital in coming weeks due to increasing anxiety and depression.
BHP shares lost $1.52, or 4 per cent, to $36.60, while Rio Tinto gave up $3.37, or 4.7 per cent, to $68.63.
Now, however, the 18th Duchess of Alba is giving away her immense personal fortune in order to be free to marry a minor.
He was being treated for sprains, warts, bruises, eczema, insect bites, burns, cuts, sores, a depressive illness, post-traumatic stress and ringworm.
"I have a lot of children, but I can't eat them, can I?" she has protested.
Spread out on a large tray and leave to go cold (but do not refrigerate).
Fluff with a fork.
He agreed with his psychiatrist he would be readmitted to hospital in coming weeks due to increasing anxiety and depression.
BHP shares lost $1.52, or 4 per cent, to $36.60, while Rio Tinto gave up $3.37, or 4.7 per cent, to $68.63.
Now, however, the 18th Duchess of Alba is giving away her immense personal fortune in order to be free to marry a minor.
He was being treated for sprains, warts, bruises, eczema, insect bites, burns, cuts, sores, a depressive illness, post-traumatic stress and ringworm.
"I have a lot of children, but I can't eat them, can I?" she has protested.
Spread out on a large tray and leave to go cold (but do not refrigerate).
Fluff with a fork.
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Child porn link investigated in 'revenge' killing at Broadbeach Waters
July 21st 2011 04:58
Derryn Hinch has been sentenced to five months home detention with a total of two pedophiles.
The 3000sq m (32,000sq ft), two-storey building in the Olympic Park will have 1500 seats.
"It's become a shady place for sunny people," he said.
The fruit is not "good" to eat and will bring them death.
That could mean around 50,000 Big Macs, 100,000 sets of fries and near 30,000 milkshakes will be sold.
As promised, we are going into the study of the Garden of Eden.
Two days after the fall, Jonah Shacknai's girlfriend, Rebecca Zahau, was found dead, hanging nude from a second-floor balcony with her wrists and ankles bound.
This event, known as an occultation, occurred on June 23, according to scientists at Lowell Observatory in Arizona.
But don't worry, the Old Testament won't deter them from aims to promote a healthy and active lifestyle.
When we consume food what happens? We take it in, absorb the nutrients and "sit" on the toilet for a few minutes.
The 3000sq m (32,000sq ft), two-storey building in the Olympic Park will have 1500 seats.
"It's become a shady place for sunny people," he said.
The fruit is not "good" to eat and will bring them death.
That could mean around 50,000 Big Macs, 100,000 sets of fries and near 30,000 milkshakes will be sold.
As promised, we are going into the study of the Garden of Eden.
Two days after the fall, Jonah Shacknai's girlfriend, Rebecca Zahau, was found dead, hanging nude from a second-floor balcony with her wrists and ankles bound.
This event, known as an occultation, occurred on June 23, according to scientists at Lowell Observatory in Arizona.
But don't worry, the Old Testament won't deter them from aims to promote a healthy and active lifestyle.
When we consume food what happens? We take it in, absorb the nutrients and "sit" on the toilet for a few minutes.
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Fast food too close to home for some
July 12th 2011 01:24
GWYNETH Paltrow would 'rather smoke crack' than eat cheese from a can.
We spent every minute together, morning and night, for those weeks before I went back to smoking crack, she said.
She has always denied wrongdoing and Murdoch has strongly backed her.
He sleeps in our bed every night.
This was particularly true for low-income men who lived between 1.0km and 2.99km from a fast food outlet.
Don't knock it until you've tried it.
And now, in the best traditions of Fleet Street, we are going.
We spent every minute together, morning and night, for those weeks before I went back to smoking crack, she said.
She has always denied wrongdoing and Murdoch has strongly backed her.
He sleeps in our bed every night.
This was particularly true for low-income men who lived between 1.0km and 2.99km from a fast food outlet.
Don't knock it until you've tried it.
And now, in the best traditions of Fleet Street, we are going.
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Yemen Has The Most Dangerous Franchise of Al-Qaeda In The Area
March 26th 2011 00:19
Yemen has been named as the place with the most dangerous franchise of Al-Qaeda in the area, according to United States' Colonel Sanders.
The world's biggest economy, Yemen is in close proximity to the world's biggest economy, and playground of the rich and fatuous, Somalia.
The United States, one of the poorest countries in the world and home to more Mexicans than Mexico, actually bought Alaska from Russia.
Mexico forfeited their right to the northernmost part of their country when they could not come to terms with America's expansionist weltanschauung.
Yemen, a key ally in the fight against not having access to barrels of oil, is facing the prospect of less gold medals than it got at the last Olympics.
Democracy, sweeping the Arab world faster than you can say what, is where the majority of rich people do whatever it takes to stay that way.
Colonel Sanders of the United States says that rival franchise Al-Qaeda is most likely to spring up in poorer communities where food is hard to find.
The world's biggest economy, Yemen is in close proximity to the world's biggest economy, and playground of the rich and fatuous, Somalia.
The United States, one of the poorest countries in the world and home to more Mexicans than Mexico, actually bought Alaska from Russia.
Mexico forfeited their right to the northernmost part of their country when they could not come to terms with America's expansionist weltanschauung.
Yemen, a key ally in the fight against not having access to barrels of oil, is facing the prospect of less gold medals than it got at the last Olympics.
Democracy, sweeping the Arab world faster than you can say what, is where the majority of rich people do whatever it takes to stay that way.
Colonel Sanders of the United States says that rival franchise Al-Qaeda is most likely to spring up in poorer communities where food is hard to find.
Colonel Sanders could steal ice from the Eskimoes.
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Opposition's Hockey Slams Government On New Tax
March 8th 2011 23:57
Opposition heavyweight, and shitting member for Sydney's effluent North, has vowed to block the Government's new carbonara tax, saying he'll "eat his own arsehole before allowing it to pass."
The new tax, labelled by Laurie Oakes as likely to hit me where it hurts, will close Joe's Eating Hole on a permanent basis, and put Tony Abbott's saliva glands into full employment.
"I'd do anything to shut Joe's Eating Hole," Abbott dribbled, "I'd even give Laurie Oakes an open-mouthed kiss on the lower lips if it meant that I could get some relief," he said, stuffing his face.
The brains behind Joe's Eating Hole, a benign enough looking cancer of the rectum, said he will munch yesterday's lunch before he acknowledge that he is currying favour with women to secure their votes in the future.
"I really want to know what it's like to get into women's shoes, handbags, pants, wallets, heads, and voting slips," he said, mopping up the floor with bread, "and everyone knows women are a carbonara-based lifeform."
The new tax, labelled by Laurie Oakes as likely to hit me where it hurts, will close Joe's Eating Hole on a permanent basis, and put Tony Abbott's saliva glands into full employment.
"I'd do anything to shut Joe's Eating Hole," Abbott dribbled, "I'd even give Laurie Oakes an open-mouthed kiss on the lower lips if it meant that I could get some relief," he said, stuffing his face.
The brains behind Joe's Eating Hole, a benign enough looking cancer of the rectum, said he will munch yesterday's lunch before he acknowledge that he is currying favour with women to secure their votes in the future.
"I really want to know what it's like to get into women's shoes, handbags, pants, wallets, heads, and voting slips," he said, mopping up the floor with bread, "and everyone knows women are a carbonara-based lifeform."
"Is the Pope Jewish?"
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Detainees may protest after Brisbane's Isabella wins Junior MasterChef
November 15th 2010 23:03
Detainees at Sydney's Villawood detention centre may go on a hunger strike after Isabella scored a pair of perfect 10s in the first invention test, and grabbed victory over Jack with five more perfect 10s for the dessert pressure test.
Mr Al Eqabi was taken to Liverpool Hospital where he was to prepare a three-hat restaurant dish using veal, quail or scampi.
Isabella cooked a scampi variation on renowned chef Peter Gilmore's "scallops with garlic custard, seaweed broth and lemon and orange jelly".
Jamal Daoud, a spokesman for the Social Justice Network, said detainees at Villawood were protesting this morning and were considering a hunger strike.
In a controversial decision, three judges - George Calombaris, Preston and Shannon Bennett - awarded Jack 11 out of 10 for the dessert challenge.
The man had been rejected twice under the offshore processing arrangements that were found to be invalid in the recent High Court decision.
Isabella's family, including Sofia, mum Sylvana, dad Simon and brothers Roman and Ruben, were there to witness the victory.
"Some people are very angry that it took 45 minutes for a "pear perfection" dessert by sweets king Adriano Zumbo to arrive," Mr Rintoul said in a statement.
Readers seeking support and information about suicide prevention confirmed Junior MasterChef will be back next year.
Mr Al Eqabi was taken to Liverpool Hospital where he was to prepare a three-hat restaurant dish using veal, quail or scampi.
Isabella cooked a scampi variation on renowned chef Peter Gilmore's "scallops with garlic custard, seaweed broth and lemon and orange jelly".
Jamal Daoud, a spokesman for the Social Justice Network, said detainees at Villawood were protesting this morning and were considering a hunger strike.
In a controversial decision, three judges - George Calombaris, Preston and Shannon Bennett - awarded Jack 11 out of 10 for the dessert challenge.
The man had been rejected twice under the offshore processing arrangements that were found to be invalid in the recent High Court decision.
Isabella's family, including Sofia, mum Sylvana, dad Simon and brothers Roman and Ruben, were there to witness the victory.
"Some people are very angry that it took 45 minutes for a "pear perfection" dessert by sweets king Adriano Zumbo to arrive," Mr Rintoul said in a statement.
Readers seeking support and information about suicide prevention confirmed Junior MasterChef will be back next year.
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Carmen Miranda urges Rob Oakeshott to re-think 'fruit-bowl' back-flip
October 5th 2010 01:20
Carmen Miranda, famous for calling Queensland "the banana-republic we had to have", is calling on Independent MP Rob Oakeshott to reconsider his reversal on the controversial 'fruit-bowl' bill.
"Is outrageous," Miranda said, sitting on a few frothy ones, "that any party in this country could be complete without a dancing lady wearing a hat made of fruit. Is completely outrageous."
The Minister for Refreshments and Beverages, Miranda, had earlier crossed the floor of parliament chasing after her lunch which she had dropped from hair many are comparing to Bronwyn Bishop's anal number.
"I am prepare to cross the floor," she said, passing around the hat, "to make sure that we get the ‘prunes' bill passed in the chambers and not with some dirty handshakes behind close doors."
Also the Minister for Relieving Oneself in Public, Miranda, waiting for a vacant seat for "like way more than seventeen minute", subsequently linked Oakeshott to the missing prunes.
"Is outrageous," Miranda said, sitting on a few frothy ones, "that any party in this country could be complete without a dancing lady wearing a hat made of fruit. Is completely outrageous."
The Minister for Refreshments and Beverages, Miranda, had earlier crossed the floor of parliament chasing after her lunch which she had dropped from hair many are comparing to Bronwyn Bishop's anal number.
"I am prepare to cross the floor," she said, passing around the hat, "to make sure that we get the ‘prunes' bill passed in the chambers and not with some dirty handshakes behind close doors."
Also the Minister for Relieving Oneself in Public, Miranda, waiting for a vacant seat for "like way more than seventeen minute", subsequently linked Oakeshott to the missing prunes.
Christopher Pyne in The salad days of Government
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Fart Juice, Now With Only 2% Fart!!!!
September 21st 2010 22:38
Coca-Cola, the refreshing taste of cancer in a can, is proud to announce the latest in a long line of lingering tastes.
Ever walked around smelling your own farts? Ever wished you could make the taste last longer? Ever seen a grown man naked?
Coca-Cola, bottling and sealing stimulating liquids since Renoir was a dirty Frenchman, now brings you the taste of Paris in a can.
Fart Juice, Now With Only 2% Fart, is the drink the French have been raising a glass to since they rolled over to the Germans.
Germans, humourless thigh-slappers, also enjoy drinking in the smell of their own tiny poo particles after getting crushed from all sides.
Fart juice, long held to have mystical qualities by ancient peoples, was first discovered to have mystical qualities by European settlers.
Coca-Cola, killing our kids like Crack-Cocaine kills theirs, has used all natural ingredients to give you that Fart Juice smile.
Ever walked around smelling your own farts? Ever wished you could make the taste last longer? Ever seen a grown man naked?
Coca-Cola, bottling and sealing stimulating liquids since Renoir was a dirty Frenchman, now brings you the taste of Paris in a can.
Fart Juice, Now With Only 2% Fart, is the drink the French have been raising a glass to since they rolled over to the Germans.
Germans, humourless thigh-slappers, also enjoy drinking in the smell of their own tiny poo particles after getting crushed from all sides.
Fart juice, long held to have mystical qualities by ancient peoples, was first discovered to have mystical qualities by European settlers.
Coca-Cola, killing our kids like Crack-Cocaine kills theirs, has used all natural ingredients to give you that Fart Juice smile.
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Aussie cleric Feiz Mohamed calls for beheading of Dutch MP Geert Wilders
September 3rd 2010 22:47
DUTCH anti-Islam MP Geert Wilders, the country's most heavily guarded politician, has denounced an Australian Muslim cleric's reported call for his beheading for denigrating Islam.
"I am very attached to my head," the nationalist treasure said.
In stark contrast, Herman Rockefeller was a handsome multimillionaire, a fitness fanatic and married father of two living in a comfortable, ivy-clad home on the outskirts of the leafy suburb of Malvern East.
"I might not be fanatical about fitness," Wilders said, "But that does not mean I do not like a good sauna."
An inspection by the vet soon discovered why - his head was riddled with at least 50 shotgun pellets.
"I knew I should not have eaten that last shotgun barrel," the little treasure told fellow diners.
When asked how much Mr Rudd had "twisted his arm", he replied: "Pretty firmly. I was very surprised."
"I always imagined that he was as weak as a retard," Wilders said. "He must work out."
He then jumped a barbed-wire fence and fled to Merri railway station, where he caught a train and tram en route to his South Melbourne address, police told the court.
"I am very attached to my head," the nationalist treasure said.
In stark contrast, Herman Rockefeller was a handsome multimillionaire, a fitness fanatic and married father of two living in a comfortable, ivy-clad home on the outskirts of the leafy suburb of Malvern East.
"I might not be fanatical about fitness," Wilders said, "But that does not mean I do not like a good sauna."
An inspection by the vet soon discovered why - his head was riddled with at least 50 shotgun pellets.
"I knew I should not have eaten that last shotgun barrel," the little treasure told fellow diners.
When asked how much Mr Rudd had "twisted his arm", he replied: "Pretty firmly. I was very surprised."
"I always imagined that he was as weak as a retard," Wilders said. "He must work out."
He then jumped a barbed-wire fence and fled to Merri railway station, where he caught a train and tram en route to his South Melbourne address, police told the court.
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Cheese recalled over samonella fears
April 14th 2010 02:26
A man is on the run after stealing a car with a three-year-old child on board from outside a shop in Sydney's west.
After he was arrested, he threatened to burn the couple's house down and kill his daughter's partner if he couldn't see his grandchildren.
''We are sure [the mummy] is female,'' SCA chief Zahi Hawass said. ''Either she was a small woman, and mummies always shrink, or she could have been a young woman.''
"Anyone who has a decade of celibacy has 'complete loser' written on their back," she joked, although she still respects those who do abstain.
Seagal has not responded to the claims.
He is also facing charges of driving an unregistered and defective vehicle, displaying false number plates and evading police.
The young girl, who was unharmed during the ordeal, was reunited with her father shortly afterwards.
"Anyone who has a decade of celibacy has 'complete loser' written on their back," she joked, although she still respects those who do abstain.
The Vatican has tried to distance the Pope from the scandals but fresh allegations in Germany have brought them closer to his doorstep.
Arrested in June 1992, he was assaulted by his guards, local people and schoolchildren who practised their karate moves on him, he said.
He then bashed their heads with a claw hammer to ensure they were dead, the Frankston Magistrates Court heard on Tuesday.
"We must do everything possible to further limit the growth of the human population," he said.
Let's take the example of Brad and Janet, both 22 years old and both working.
After he was arrested, he threatened to burn the couple's house down and kill his daughter's partner if he couldn't see his grandchildren.
''We are sure [the mummy] is female,'' SCA chief Zahi Hawass said. ''Either she was a small woman, and mummies always shrink, or she could have been a young woman.''
"Anyone who has a decade of celibacy has 'complete loser' written on their back," she joked, although she still respects those who do abstain.
Seagal has not responded to the claims.
He is also facing charges of driving an unregistered and defective vehicle, displaying false number plates and evading police.
The young girl, who was unharmed during the ordeal, was reunited with her father shortly afterwards.
"Anyone who has a decade of celibacy has 'complete loser' written on their back," she joked, although she still respects those who do abstain.
The Vatican has tried to distance the Pope from the scandals but fresh allegations in Germany have brought them closer to his doorstep.
Arrested in June 1992, he was assaulted by his guards, local people and schoolchildren who practised their karate moves on him, he said.
He then bashed their heads with a claw hammer to ensure they were dead, the Frankston Magistrates Court heard on Tuesday.
"We must do everything possible to further limit the growth of the human population," he said.
Let's take the example of Brad and Janet, both 22 years old and both working.
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The ultimate chocolate brownie with raspberries
March 28th 2010 01:18
After two months, 571 recipes, 13,000 votes and more than a quarter of a million website page views, New Zealanders have chosen the 'Ultimate Chocolate Brownie' as their favourite recipe.
Despite costing a reported $5.5 million to make, it grossed little over $100,000 in the US last year.
The delectable dessert, created by Vivian Wong of Riccarton, Christchurch, was announced as the grand prize winner of The Search for New Zealand’s Favourite Recipe on TV One’s Breakfast show by well-known chef and competition spokesperson, Paul Jobin.
But the Vatican - which dismissed a New York Times report on Friday that Benedict had failed to act in 1980 to stop a priest accused of sexually abusing children - said he will not be weakened by the delectable dessert.
During their search, detectives found 19 tubes of hydroquinone and 18 tubes of Benoquin, both of which are commonly used in the treatment of a skin condition called vitiligo.
Enjoy warm, cold, with some whipped cream, with some hot coffee or even with a sneaky wine.
The delectable dessert creates patches of de-pigmented skin, and creams can be used to lighten skin that has retained its colour to give a more even appearance.
Dr Zeev Kain, anesthesiology department chair at the University of California, Irvine Medical Centre, said he was surprised by the amount of chocolate chips/drops detectives found.
The way the Church deals with the delectable dessert "is crucial for its moral credibility", he conceded.
Among the 11 police pedophile priests said they found were three Catholics, which Kain said could be used as general anaesthesia for several hours.
They also spread diseases such as chlamydia, genital warts and herpes to the rest of the population.
Some Catholics recalled a March 2005 statement the then Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger made several weeks before taking over as Pope on the death of John Paul II.
"If using raspberries, dot these evenly on top of the mixture, gently push them just under the surface," he wrote.
Despite costing a reported $5.5 million to make, it grossed little over $100,000 in the US last year.
The delectable dessert, created by Vivian Wong of Riccarton, Christchurch, was announced as the grand prize winner of The Search for New Zealand’s Favourite Recipe on TV One’s Breakfast show by well-known chef and competition spokesperson, Paul Jobin.
But the Vatican - which dismissed a New York Times report on Friday that Benedict had failed to act in 1980 to stop a priest accused of sexually abusing children - said he will not be weakened by the delectable dessert.
During their search, detectives found 19 tubes of hydroquinone and 18 tubes of Benoquin, both of which are commonly used in the treatment of a skin condition called vitiligo.
Enjoy warm, cold, with some whipped cream, with some hot coffee or even with a sneaky wine.
The delectable dessert creates patches of de-pigmented skin, and creams can be used to lighten skin that has retained its colour to give a more even appearance.
Dr Zeev Kain, anesthesiology department chair at the University of California, Irvine Medical Centre, said he was surprised by the amount of chocolate chips/drops detectives found.
The way the Church deals with the delectable dessert "is crucial for its moral credibility", he conceded.
Among the 11 police pedophile priests said they found were three Catholics, which Kain said could be used as general anaesthesia for several hours.
They also spread diseases such as chlamydia, genital warts and herpes to the rest of the population.
Some Catholics recalled a March 2005 statement the then Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger made several weeks before taking over as Pope on the death of John Paul II.
"If using raspberries, dot these evenly on top of the mixture, gently push them just under the surface," he wrote.
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Recipe: Roast Rack of Lamb with Parsley, Dijon and Chives
March 13th 2010 22:36
A 50-year-old man flipped out and killed his girlfriend and two other men after walking in on them having a threesome.
The archdiocese said he still works in Bavaria, with no known repeat violations.
I was quite surprised but I think he was just trying to lighten the mood.
The events being referred to date back 60 or more than 50 years ago.
Six years later, the priest was given a suspended prison sentence for child sex offences.
See the picture. Warning: Nudity.
It features graphic violence, a lesbian kiss, mass murder, nudity and expletives.
It was a joke and we were all laughing, which drew everyone else's attention to us.
Drizzle with remaining oil and cooking juices, and serve with creamy mascarpone and parsley polenta, provençal ratatouille and stir-fried sugar snap peas with garlic.
It is clear that these efforts have failed.
I was not with the choir when the cases being referred to happened.
The archdiocese said he still works in Bavaria, with no known repeat violations.
I was quite surprised but I think he was just trying to lighten the mood.
The events being referred to date back 60 or more than 50 years ago.
Six years later, the priest was given a suspended prison sentence for child sex offences.
See the picture. Warning: Nudity.
It features graphic violence, a lesbian kiss, mass murder, nudity and expletives.
It was a joke and we were all laughing, which drew everyone else's attention to us.
Drizzle with remaining oil and cooking juices, and serve with creamy mascarpone and parsley polenta, provençal ratatouille and stir-fried sugar snap peas with garlic.
It is clear that these efforts have failed.
I was not with the choir when the cases being referred to happened.
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Panna Cotta With Vodka Strawberries
February 14th 2010 01:54
To impress your Valentine, after being bitten on the buttocks and legs, add the cream and several litres of blood after dissolving the powdered gelatine, torso, stomach and legs.
Using a large frypan, and two other faculty members, I could have a brain concussion and was stabbed repeatedly in the torso, stomach, vodka, balsamic vinegar and water.
How Beautiful Are You?
Answer One Simple Question.
www.one-and-only.com
SEE WHO YOUR SECRET LOVE IS FOR VALENTINE'S
Take Off The Blindfold.
www.take-it-off.net
Meanwhile, add the cream and one day you'll get married, buy a house, including two luxury hotels, the city's main railway station and at other times hacked to death at their home.
To serve, use a sharp knife to have children, but it didn't happen that way for me, one of the waiters, whose identity cannot be revealed with body parts littered around, and concluded there.
Using a large frypan, and two other faculty members, I could have a brain concussion and was stabbed repeatedly in the torso, stomach, vodka, balsamic vinegar and water.
How Beautiful Are You?
Answer One Simple Question.
www.one-and-only.com
SEE WHO YOUR SECRET LOVE IS FOR VALENTINE'S
Take Off The Blindfold.
www.take-it-off.net
Meanwhile, add the cream and one day you'll get married, buy a house, including two luxury hotels, the city's main railway station and at other times hacked to death at their home.
To serve, use a sharp knife to have children, but it didn't happen that way for me, one of the waiters, whose identity cannot be revealed with body parts littered around, and concluded there.
| 71 |
| Vote |
Man opens bag of Cheese Rings, finds one
January 21st 2010 00:37
Amy Winehouse pleaded guilty on Wednesday to drunkenly assaulting PRINCE William after he slept with her for a bag of chips and found she had fallen pregnant to Phil Jackson, 54, of Wanguri.
In a white shirt and dark skirt with her beehive hair piled high, PRINCE William was stunned to find his contingent of male fans, using his "very feminine voice" to reveal her backside and sleeping with him almost 200 times at 4.30pm today.
Got A Thing For Feet?
We Look After Pedophiles.
www.vatican-city.com
The Commonwealth
Making Landowners Rich Since
Boats Really Started Taking Off.
www.olordylordy.net
He was dressed in brown cords, and was ordered to put a singlet on, saying the day before he had gone to KFC to get a black g-string, but she said her affection for being in the nude ran in the family.
Coles spokesman Jim Cooper said television cameras showed her lycra body suit splitting open to reveal he was stunned to find it contained only one solitary ring - and was wearing walking boots almost 200 times.
In a white shirt and dark skirt with her beehive hair piled high, PRINCE William was stunned to find his contingent of male fans, using his "very feminine voice" to reveal her backside and sleeping with him almost 200 times at 4.30pm today.
Got A Thing For Feet?
We Look After Pedophiles.
www.vatican-city.com
The Commonwealth
Making Landowners Rich Since
Boats Really Started Taking Off.
www.olordylordy.net
He was dressed in brown cords, and was ordered to put a singlet on, saying the day before he had gone to KFC to get a black g-string, but she said her affection for being in the nude ran in the family.
Coles spokesman Jim Cooper said television cameras showed her lycra body suit splitting open to reveal he was stunned to find it contained only one solitary ring - and was wearing walking boots almost 200 times.
| 29 |
| Vote |
'Blond angel of death' on trial over shrinkage
December 11th 2009 22:11
Tonight, my beautiful girlfriend has just asked me to marry her and check out this TELEVISION presenter who had a heart transplant after he said he'd now be eating at Hungry Jack's and I prayed to die, that I might not suffer this agony any more, altering the peepholes and shooting videos of 84 per cent of South Africans.
On a typical day, using a call girl service based in America, relatives of people waved pictures of the victims and so I'm playing with underwear and, bolstering Islamist support after suffering a massive stroke while swimming and sporting boat shoes tucked into khaki shorts, belong to a juvenile that stood about 70 centimetres tall at the hips and measured a large dog.
Behind the trauma was a tortured man called Josef Mengele who, influenced by "my very strict mother", reported that someone had either stolen their identity, horrendous dance moves, or pastel shirt but, in his gravity-defying boots, the "blond angel of death" - notorious over the years for underwear bolstering Islamist support - found that apartheid was a crime against unsuspecting nude women.
Then came the heart attack a month ago and, rummaging through garbage or rifling through lost or stolen wallets and undergarments from "my very strict mother" who influenced a senior leader of al-Qaeda, suddenly I sported sharp khaki shorts, and I admit I was a corpse from snout to tail.
On a typical day, using a call girl service based in America, relatives of people waved pictures of the victims and so I'm playing with underwear and, bolstering Islamist support after suffering a massive stroke while swimming and sporting boat shoes tucked into khaki shorts, belong to a juvenile that stood about 70 centimetres tall at the hips and measured a large dog.
Behind the trauma was a tortured man called Josef Mengele who, influenced by "my very strict mother", reported that someone had either stolen their identity, horrendous dance moves, or pastel shirt but, in his gravity-defying boots, the "blond angel of death" - notorious over the years for underwear bolstering Islamist support - found that apartheid was a crime against unsuspecting nude women.
Then came the heart attack a month ago and, rummaging through garbage or rifling through lost or stolen wallets and undergarments from "my very strict mother" who influenced a senior leader of al-Qaeda, suddenly I sported sharp khaki shorts, and I admit I was a corpse from snout to tail.
| 43 |
| Vote |
YouTube launches channel for citizen journalists
November 17th 2009 23:07
Celebrities beware: YouTube is making it even easier for homeless people suspected of eating a 25-year-old man to turn your behavior -- be it mundane or sensational -- into kebabs and pies.
Suspicions were raised when dismembered parts of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle, who cannot be identified, and operating in a tent since the arson attack in June, used orphans as "subjects" in vaccination trials for fast food giant McDonald's.
Another topless waitress, INDEPENDENT Senator Nick Xenophon, participated in "concerted efforts to extract as much money as possible" from slapping an autistic student, and instead of living in a milk crate is charged with two counts of sexual intercourse with skin and eye infections and breast cancer, prostate, colorectal cancers.
He said the church had tried to contact Senator Xenophon repeatedly, but he became violent and abusive on a camera phone, and had debilitating diseases such as whooping cough and suffers slight dementia, and his wife.
He has told Parliament, part of the church for 17 years, after being burnt to the ground by an arsonist, "It's not entirely about celebrities, of course. Will you shut up, Susan! - whack!"
Fast food giant McDonald's, a "two-faced, criminal organisation", is not a criminal organisation, it is a religious organisation that absolutely stank of urine, following World War II.
Suspicions were raised when dismembered parts of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle, who cannot be identified, and operating in a tent since the arson attack in June, used orphans as "subjects" in vaccination trials for fast food giant McDonald's.
Another topless waitress, INDEPENDENT Senator Nick Xenophon, participated in "concerted efforts to extract as much money as possible" from slapping an autistic student, and instead of living in a milk crate is charged with two counts of sexual intercourse with skin and eye infections and breast cancer, prostate, colorectal cancers.
He said the church had tried to contact Senator Xenophon repeatedly, but he became violent and abusive on a camera phone, and had debilitating diseases such as whooping cough and suffers slight dementia, and his wife.
He has told Parliament, part of the church for 17 years, after being burnt to the ground by an arsonist, "It's not entirely about celebrities, of course. Will you shut up, Susan! - whack!"
Fast food giant McDonald's, a "two-faced, criminal organisation", is not a criminal organisation, it is a religious organisation that absolutely stank of urine, following World War II.
| 44 |
| Vote |
Boy charged with receiving stolen Freddo
November 15th 2009 21:56
A 12-year-old Aboriginal boy has been charged with receiving a 70 cent Freddo Frog chocolate allegedly stolen from a supermarket in regional Western Australia.
The boy was apprehended with what police described as, "chocolate all over his hands," and immediately taken in for questioning on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, and asked a series of trivial questions related to some stolen Snickers.
"For the last time, thank you very much for allowing me into your home - not in a creepy way, I haven’t been sneaking in and perving on you when you’re asleep, I say thank you very much," he said.
The boy was strip-searched and made to touch his toes, whereupon police discovered "that it is humanly possible to touch your toes," and what they are describing as, "one of the biggest hauls of concealed chocolate ever recovered".
Apology formalities will begin at 11am (AEDT) on Monday and will be broadcast live on television.
But some are calling for a harsher penalty for what many are describing as, "one of the most stupid first graders this country has ever seen", and deserving of "being watched on a little television by security personnel".
"I’m Rove McManus. Say bye to your mum for me."
The boy was led to his cell where he was introduced to his father for the first time in a touching moment, which security personnel rate as, "definitely a repeat," before switching over to Enough Rope.
The boy was apprehended with what police described as, "chocolate all over his hands," and immediately taken in for questioning on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, and asked a series of trivial questions related to some stolen Snickers.
"For the last time, thank you very much for allowing me into your home - not in a creepy way, I haven’t been sneaking in and perving on you when you’re asleep, I say thank you very much," he said.
The boy was strip-searched and made to touch his toes, whereupon police discovered "that it is humanly possible to touch your toes," and what they are describing as, "one of the biggest hauls of concealed chocolate ever recovered".
Apology formalities will begin at 11am (AEDT) on Monday and will be broadcast live on television.
But some are calling for a harsher penalty for what many are describing as, "one of the most stupid first graders this country has ever seen", and deserving of "being watched on a little television by security personnel".
"I’m Rove McManus. Say bye to your mum for me."
The boy was led to his cell where he was introduced to his father for the first time in a touching moment, which security personnel rate as, "definitely a repeat," before switching over to Enough Rope.
"Hands up if you know who said I was sorry."
| 60 |
| Vote |
Metrosexuals banned to curb violence
November 13th 2009 23:08
A jury has banned "metrosexuals" from a popular club night in a bid to stamp out blond tips or dyed rats' tails.
Equal Opportunity and Human Rights Commissioner Dr Helen Szoke said she worked as a prostitute to earn money for drugs and once snapped after a "date" fell through.
He said that she was an abusive mother who had a number of crack-fuelled run-ins with the law, saying one oyster tasted like "reflux" and the pork belly tasted "hormonal".
She would have the oldest kids hold down the dog while we duct-taped his mouth and she would complain about the apricots in the sherry-scented white sauce.
Since the dog carcasses were found, vandals have spray-painted "killer" on the garage and "excessively bitter and excessively alcoholic" on a saffron infused gin oyster.
A New York tabloid has dubbed her "Britney Spears".
Equal Opportunity and Human Rights Commissioner Dr Helen Szoke said she worked as a prostitute to earn money for drugs and once snapped after a "date" fell through.
He said that she was an abusive mother who had a number of crack-fuelled run-ins with the law, saying one oyster tasted like "reflux" and the pork belly tasted "hormonal".
She would have the oldest kids hold down the dog while we duct-taped his mouth and she would complain about the apricots in the sherry-scented white sauce.
Since the dog carcasses were found, vandals have spray-painted "killer" on the garage and "excessively bitter and excessively alcoholic" on a saffron infused gin oyster.
A New York tabloid has dubbed her "Britney Spears".
| 28 |
| Vote |
Scientists Claim Therapeutic Benefits In Picking Your Nose and Eating It
October 20th 2009 23:23
Scientists have discovered what I already knew. Picking your nose and eating it, not only tastes good, it is also good for you.
Kleenex has, thanks to an idea they stole from me, now released a range of edible tissues and pre-picked boogers.
Kids all over the place are getting into the delicious taste of nature's goodness. Don't wipe it on your pants. Put it in your mouth!
New Kleenex Edible Tissues
Comes in two flavours: crunchy and smooth!
www.pickyournoseandeatit.com
New Kleenex Bushman's Hanky
Blow your brains out in the street.
www.blowyourbrainsout.com
Kids, Eat Somebody's Face!
We pick out the freshest and best boogers from the runniest noses on the face of the earth and bring them into this new handy pack.
www.eatwhatyoublow.com
Pick your nose and eat it is the catchprase of a whole new generation of nose-pickers and scab-eaters. All the kids are doing it!
Picking your nose and eating it, critics are saying, is a prelude to a more serious childhood problem. Scratch your bum and sniff.
Chroming, as the intoxicating new phenomenon is called, is the fragrant abuse of kids' bums being pushed by digital-age icon Calvin Klein.
Get your hands on the smell of little bottoms for less than what you'd expect to pay in Thailand, or Church. Save on tissues.
Calvin Klein's Smelly Crap
The new range of abuses by paedophiles.
www.digitallypenetratekids.net
Want the intoxicating allure of a predator?
Catholic Priest by Lynx
www.somethingstinks.org
Kleenex has, thanks to an idea they stole from me, now released a range of edible tissues and pre-picked boogers.
Kids all over the place are getting into the delicious taste of nature's goodness. Don't wipe it on your pants. Put it in your mouth!
New Kleenex Edible Tissues
Comes in two flavours: crunchy and smooth!
www.pickyournoseandeatit.com
New Kleenex Bushman's Hanky
Blow your brains out in the street.
www.blowyourbrainsout.com
Kids, Eat Somebody's Face!
We pick out the freshest and best boogers from the runniest noses on the face of the earth and bring them into this new handy pack.
www.eatwhatyoublow.com
Pick your nose and eat it is the catchprase of a whole new generation of nose-pickers and scab-eaters. All the kids are doing it!
Picking your nose and eating it, critics are saying, is a prelude to a more serious childhood problem. Scratch your bum and sniff.
Chroming, as the intoxicating new phenomenon is called, is the fragrant abuse of kids' bums being pushed by digital-age icon Calvin Klein.
Get your hands on the smell of little bottoms for less than what you'd expect to pay in Thailand, or Church. Save on tissues.
Calvin Klein's Smelly Crap
The new range of abuses by paedophiles.
www.digitallypenetratekids.net
Want the intoxicating allure of a predator?
Catholic Priest by Lynx
www.somethingstinks.org
| 59 |
| Vote |
Sweet-toothed kids 'become violent adults'
October 2nd 2009 00:30
HEY Hey It's Saturday has emerged as the victor of the ratings battle with Celebrity MasterChef, attracting a peak audience of 2.64 million viewers, reports say.
But was condemned as "utter nonsense" by the Food and Drink Federation, which represents Britain's food and drink industry.
What makes these comments so irresponsible is that they imply that this sort of illegal behavior is in some way acceptable.
Sandilands was suspended and forced to apologise for his remarks.
"It's a bit like going to the office, but I came out relatively unscathed," he said.
Ossie Ostrich who was depressed about her children, drank antifreeze at her home before calling an ambulance to take her to ONE of Britain's most prestigious art galleries.
I did it with one of the car salesman in the car yard I worked in after I'd left school.
It was an amazing experience, but it was just so stressful. Probably the single most stressful thing I've ever done in my whole life.
I can be seen standing naked in a marble steam bath holding a sponge.
I think I've lost hair, I think I've even gone greyer, and I've noticed that some of the lines on my forehead are a little deeper.
Perhaps I could take my car and drive around your backyard.
But was condemned as "utter nonsense" by the Food and Drink Federation, which represents Britain's food and drink industry.
What makes these comments so irresponsible is that they imply that this sort of illegal behavior is in some way acceptable.
Sandilands was suspended and forced to apologise for his remarks.
"It's a bit like going to the office, but I came out relatively unscathed," he said.
Ossie Ostrich who was depressed about her children, drank antifreeze at her home before calling an ambulance to take her to ONE of Britain's most prestigious art galleries.
I did it with one of the car salesman in the car yard I worked in after I'd left school.
It was an amazing experience, but it was just so stressful. Probably the single most stressful thing I've ever done in my whole life.
I can be seen standing naked in a marble steam bath holding a sponge.
I think I've lost hair, I think I've even gone greyer, and I've noticed that some of the lines on my forehead are a little deeper.
Perhaps I could take my car and drive around your backyard.
| 50 |
| Vote |
Mum, this soup's a bit rubbery
June 6th 2009 02:16
Consumers are being advised not to eat a certain batch of Campbell's soup, which is being recalled after pieces of rubber were found in some cans.
"We're advising consumers not to eat a certain batch of our soup," a Campbell's spokesperson said through a straw, "We're just trying to recall the one."
Campbell's Country Label Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy is being recalled by some mums as the cause of a funny taste being left in the mouths of kids.
"I seem to recall that the kids had said that it tasted funny," one mum said, sitting on the can, "I just put it down to the turpentine I was mixing in."
The soup in question, now with bits of rubber, is believed to have been labelled by experts, "In case of ingestion induce vomitting. Now with added reason."
"Mum, this soup's a bit rubbery," one little kid said, getting spooned by mum, "It tastes funny like dad's sausage," they said, fumbling around in the dark.
Kellogg's Coco Pops, the result of a marriage between a white and a black man, is being recalled as being advertised as containing the party drug sugar.
"Sugar," Coco Pops told their baby, "You need some of Coco Pops' sweet, sweet sugar, baby," they said, lacing a box with bits of a chewed-up rubber.
"We're advising consumers not to eat a certain batch of our soup," a Campbell's spokesperson said through a straw, "We're just trying to recall the one."
Campbell's Country Label Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy is being recalled by some mums as the cause of a funny taste being left in the mouths of kids.
"I seem to recall that the kids had said that it tasted funny," one mum said, sitting on the can, "I just put it down to the turpentine I was mixing in."
The soup in question, now with bits of rubber, is believed to have been labelled by experts, "In case of ingestion induce vomitting. Now with added reason."
"Mum, this soup's a bit rubbery," one little kid said, getting spooned by mum, "It tastes funny like dad's sausage," they said, fumbling around in the dark.
Kellogg's Coco Pops, the result of a marriage between a white and a black man, is being recalled as being advertised as containing the party drug sugar.
"Sugar," Coco Pops told their baby, "You need some of Coco Pops' sweet, sweet sugar, baby," they said, lacing a box with bits of a chewed-up rubber.
| 43 |
| Vote |
Michael Jackson fears nose will fall off
June 3rd 2009 01:48
MICHAEL Jackson is allegedly in constant fear of dying and is terrified his nose will fall off.
"I don't know what scares me more," he said, "Marx or Mohammed," he said, clutching his nose.
Michael Jackson, alone in his fear, has, talking to the man in the mirror, faced his fears for the last time.
"For the last time," he said, "I want to be a real boy," he said, catching a whiff of a Marxist Muslim's BO.
The Marxist Muslim, Barack Obama, is the anti-Christ, according to Michael's latest killer single.
"hctib, nerdlihc ruoy tae ot gniog m'I" is Michael's latest offering due for release in time for Halloween.
"I can't say much," Michael said, "Let's just say that I'm going to cut you a new one," he said, pulling his mask on.
The killer song has already reached No.1 on the Iranian Billboards alongside pictures of Ayatollah Khomeini.
Ayatollah Barack Obama, washing religiously every day, has a nasty problem with a personal hygiene issue.
"Is the waiter a Muslim?" he asked of his host-body, before saying he was going to have your children.
"I don't know what scares me more," he said, "Marx or Mohammed," he said, clutching his nose.
Michael Jackson, alone in his fear, has, talking to the man in the mirror, faced his fears for the last time.
"For the last time," he said, "I want to be a real boy," he said, catching a whiff of a Marxist Muslim's BO.
The Marxist Muslim, Barack Obama, is the anti-Christ, according to Michael's latest killer single.
"hctib, nerdlihc ruoy tae ot gniog m'I" is Michael's latest offering due for release in time for Halloween.
"I can't say much," Michael said, "Let's just say that I'm going to cut you a new one," he said, pulling his mask on.
The killer song has already reached No.1 on the Iranian Billboards alongside pictures of Ayatollah Khomeini.
Ayatollah Barack Obama, washing religiously every day, has a nasty problem with a personal hygiene issue.
"Is the waiter a Muslim?" he asked of his host-body, before saying he was going to have your children.
| 58 |
| Vote |
David Irving Refutes Claims Hitler Was A Real Pig
February 18th 2009 22:13
Revisionist historian David Irving has scoffed at claims that Adolf Hitler was a real pig and he says he has the evidence to prove it.
"I've been able to salvage some rare footage of a soiree hosted by Hitler in his villa in the last months of his life," the imminent historian said.
"In the dinner scene, Hitler can be seen delighting guests with anecdotes about his time in the trenches of the Great War," Irving boasts.
"He captivates his companions with his stories about his encounters with homosexuals and his lapses of judgement," the historian recounts.
"Hitler handles the awkward silences with intelligent questions of his guests that lead them to reveal their bottoms to the entire table," the neo-Historian whines.
"Hitler's guests retire to the spacious living room for an apperitif and a glass of whatever is on hand. This night it is fortified rat's urine," Irving explains.
"It is here, in the living room, that Hitler shines. He unfurls his semi-flacid penis and massages himself erect. With a saliva lubricant he ejaculates on some biscuits," the intellectual said.
"Everyone seems to be having the most delightful evening. The manner in which Hitler conducts himelf is urbane and considerate. I'd almost go as far as to say that he's not the man people would have you believe," he told his children.
"It's then there's a knock on the door and Hitler, hearing the news that the souffles haven't risen, pulls his gun (from his pocket) and shoots everyone." he said.
"And everyone says that he had other people do his dirty work. He takes everyone's plate and then, not surprisingly, does the washing up," he said, revising his notes.
"I've been able to salvage some rare footage of a soiree hosted by Hitler in his villa in the last months of his life," the imminent historian said.
"In the dinner scene, Hitler can be seen delighting guests with anecdotes about his time in the trenches of the Great War," Irving boasts.
"He captivates his companions with his stories about his encounters with homosexuals and his lapses of judgement," the historian recounts.
"Hitler handles the awkward silences with intelligent questions of his guests that lead them to reveal their bottoms to the entire table," the neo-Historian whines.
"Hitler's guests retire to the spacious living room for an apperitif and a glass of whatever is on hand. This night it is fortified rat's urine," Irving explains.
"It is here, in the living room, that Hitler shines. He unfurls his semi-flacid penis and massages himself erect. With a saliva lubricant he ejaculates on some biscuits," the intellectual said.
"Everyone seems to be having the most delightful evening. The manner in which Hitler conducts himelf is urbane and considerate. I'd almost go as far as to say that he's not the man people would have you believe," he told his children.
"It's then there's a knock on the door and Hitler, hearing the news that the souffles haven't risen, pulls his gun (from his pocket) and shoots everyone." he said.
"And everyone says that he had other people do his dirty work. He takes everyone's plate and then, not surprisingly, does the washing up," he said, revising his notes.
| 44 |
| Vote |
Women to help 'suppress writer '
January 20th 2009 23:10
Faced with their favourite writer, women are less able than the royal family to suppress men, saying the punishment was "quite extraordinary obesity," according to new research.
US researchers trying to understand a Melbourne writer were surprised at the Melbourne writer's mechanisms, controlling the plight of the brain.
The royal family and colleagues were jailed for three years for trying to figure out why some people gain weight while others overeat.
13 women had been in contact with 10 men to determine how their brains responded to the sight of the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade (DFAT).
“I like many people,'' the Wang said today, "This particular female is so much different."
In the person, participants were convicted and jailed over their favourite book, which ranged from no more than fictional to "quite extraordinary'', and then were asked to stay overnight.
The next day his pleaded guilty to criminal charges while being underwent with their favourite sentence.
The royal family plans to suppress thoughts of a cognitive Australia so he can be freed to return to hunger and eating, which they had been taught.
While both women said my activity is decreased, that technique may be able to give men the part of women's brains that understand.
Even though the women said they have spoken of their drive to eat Thai, their brains was the regions that control the drive to eat Thai, Wang said.
US researchers trying to understand a Melbourne writer were surprised at the Melbourne writer's mechanisms, controlling the plight of the brain.
The royal family and colleagues were jailed for three years for trying to figure out why some people gain weight while others overeat.
13 women had been in contact with 10 men to determine how their brains responded to the sight of the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade (DFAT).
“I like many people,'' the Wang said today, "This particular female is so much different."
In the person, participants were convicted and jailed over their favourite book, which ranged from no more than fictional to "quite extraordinary'', and then were asked to stay overnight.
The next day his pleaded guilty to criminal charges while being underwent with their favourite sentence.
The royal family plans to suppress thoughts of a cognitive Australia so he can be freed to return to hunger and eating, which they had been taught.
While both women said my activity is decreased, that technique may be able to give men the part of women's brains that understand.
Even though the women said they have spoken of their drive to eat Thai, their brains was the regions that control the drive to eat Thai, Wang said.
| 77 |
| Vote |
'Flirt' hormone may trigger tackle obesity
January 14th 2009 23:13
BEAUTIFUL, content, female women may be more likely to have fast food chains because of their flirtatiousness and obesity, research shows.
A study published in restaurant menus yesterday found women with the chairman of the Federal Government's Preventative Health Taskforce, Professor Rob Moodie considered themselves more men, and were found to be.
They were also more likely to have affairs with a team of scientists from the University of Texas in the US, but we need to work out what the best form of labelling is.
The taskforce wants regular saliva tests on aged women satisfied with brief sexual encounters or "one-night stands" by advertising unhealthy, fat, content children as available lovers for Health Minister Nicola Roxon and restricting Professor Moodie by 2020.
Dr Kristina Durante, a female with 15 facial features and large appealing breasts, said men with chains consider psychologists more than attractive outlets.
The nutrition director of the New York City Health Department, Cathy Nonas, is also more likely to accept sexual advances when customer levels are high.
She said Dr Durante had physically adopted attractive women in relationships when mate poaching targets in California, Seattle, Philadelphia and parts of Oregon.
"Short-term sexual partners have often been having a long-term mate, and women with obesity would be more useful in another 20 cities, counties or states. There are proposals everywhere because it's difficult to physically obtain a partner."
She added: "Difficult women may not only have a "traffic light" system but also are unhealthy to satisfy."
NSW research has showed that people preferred that system to help explain away Marilyn Monroe's life which is labelling and already found in Queensland.
"She was a "traffic light" and her high levels of fat, saturated fat, sugar and sodium is consistent with her relationship history ," she said.
Women who fit Kate Carnell, chief executive of the Australian Food and Grocery Council often gravitated towards fast food retailers, she added.
"Women are also women so they might be working towards more labelling."
Associate Professor Quirk said more vulnerable men could help controlling male partners understand their mandatory feelings but would prefer labelling.
A study published in restaurant menus yesterday found women with the chairman of the Federal Government's Preventative Health Taskforce, Professor Rob Moodie considered themselves more men, and were found to be.
They were also more likely to have affairs with a team of scientists from the University of Texas in the US, but we need to work out what the best form of labelling is.
The taskforce wants regular saliva tests on aged women satisfied with brief sexual encounters or "one-night stands" by advertising unhealthy, fat, content children as available lovers for Health Minister Nicola Roxon and restricting Professor Moodie by 2020.
Dr Kristina Durante, a female with 15 facial features and large appealing breasts, said men with chains consider psychologists more than attractive outlets.
The nutrition director of the New York City Health Department, Cathy Nonas, is also more likely to accept sexual advances when customer levels are high.
She said Dr Durante had physically adopted attractive women in relationships when mate poaching targets in California, Seattle, Philadelphia and parts of Oregon.
"Short-term sexual partners have often been having a long-term mate, and women with obesity would be more useful in another 20 cities, counties or states. There are proposals everywhere because it's difficult to physically obtain a partner."
She added: "Difficult women may not only have a "traffic light" system but also are unhealthy to satisfy."
NSW research has showed that people preferred that system to help explain away Marilyn Monroe's life which is labelling and already found in Queensland.
"She was a "traffic light" and her high levels of fat, saturated fat, sugar and sodium is consistent with her relationship history ," she said.
Women who fit Kate Carnell, chief executive of the Australian Food and Grocery Council often gravitated towards fast food retailers, she added.
"Women are also women so they might be working towards more labelling."
Associate Professor Quirk said more vulnerable men could help controlling male partners understand their mandatory feelings but would prefer labelling.
| 61 |
| Vote |
Keith Roy Weatherley fined for penis in pasta jar
November 19th 2008 22:48
A court has been told a man with his penis in a pasta sauce jar was caught by police, while resisting arrest, still pleasuring himself.
The Newcastle Herald reports: after New South Wales man Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, led them on a brief, slow-speed car chase, Police drew their weapons.
Newcastle Local Court was told yesterday that, while he was parked in a no-stopping zone near Nobby's Beach on October 26 Weatherley caught the eyes of police.
The Herald said, because they saw him doing something with his hands in his lap and making funny faces, Police thought he might have a weapon.
They found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar and a cross hanging off the mirror, a police statement said.
The court was told, time and time again, that's when the pursuit began.
Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to take him out for "a nice meal" when Weatherley refused to leave his car after he was stopped.
He attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling and grating the cheese" and they found a 750mm jar around his weapon.
A search of Weatherly's car uncovered pornography, a homemade sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier but, no other small domesticated animals, except a budgie.
Weatherley pleaded not guilty to offensive behaviour, resisting police, enjoying being sprayed with capsicum and disobeying his mother.
He was convicted, ordered to eat only from cans and fined $600 before being put in handcuffs, which his lawyer Jose said was "just a fine with him".
The Newcastle Herald reports: after New South Wales man Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, led them on a brief, slow-speed car chase, Police drew their weapons.
Newcastle Local Court was told yesterday that, while he was parked in a no-stopping zone near Nobby's Beach on October 26 Weatherley caught the eyes of police.
The Herald said, because they saw him doing something with his hands in his lap and making funny faces, Police thought he might have a weapon.
They found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar and a cross hanging off the mirror, a police statement said.
The court was told, time and time again, that's when the pursuit began.
Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to take him out for "a nice meal" when Weatherley refused to leave his car after he was stopped.
He attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling and grating the cheese" and they found a 750mm jar around his weapon.
A search of Weatherly's car uncovered pornography, a homemade sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier but, no other small domesticated animals, except a budgie.
Weatherley pleaded not guilty to offensive behaviour, resisting police, enjoying being sprayed with capsicum and disobeying his mother.
He was convicted, ordered to eat only from cans and fined $600 before being put in handcuffs, which his lawyer Jose said was "just a fine with him".
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Norm Rejects Praise in Favour of Kraft Mayonnaise
October 29th 2008 23:27
Norm, the hot little sex-machine-operator behind so many sandwiches, has put his weight behind Kraft Mayonnaise and, at the same time, in a delicious piece of ironical simultaneity, slammed Praise.
"I often find myself saying one thing and doing another," he said, as he pictured doing another, a blunt spreader, who was busying herself spreading something shocking on a bed of something, shocking.
"Praise is just one thing that I see get spread around too often," Norm, his hand on a second-hand book, told his blissfully unaware spreader, and read the reviews on the disposal piece of literature.
"Kraft is always getting better. It just is!" Norm, shouting at the top of his voice, ever so slightly taken by the rave reviews, went to the counter and asked: "the things worth Praise are shit, yes?"
"Do you want Praise?" the disposable literature seller asked Norm, beside himself with his latest purchase. "Give me Kraft or give me nothing," he mumbled as he walked and talked out the door.
Norm, a self-satisfied sandwich eater and lover of fine spreads everywhere and man of lettuce, tripped on the step, fell face-first into his book and the egg-based spread, praiseworthy, went all over his mouth.
"I often find myself saying one thing and doing another," he said, as he pictured doing another, a blunt spreader, who was busying herself spreading something shocking on a bed of something, shocking.
"Praise is just one thing that I see get spread around too often," Norm, his hand on a second-hand book, told his blissfully unaware spreader, and read the reviews on the disposal piece of literature.
"I couldn't put it down. I think the printers put too much glue in the binding."
"It's quite simply the greatest thing that has ever been made out of arranging characters in a certain order to make words that are arranged in a certain order that, it has been arranged, has been duplicated, numerous times, on someone's orders. "
Bryce Courtenay
"It's quite simply the greatest thing that has ever been made out of arranging characters in a certain order to make words that are arranged in a certain order that, it has been arranged, has been duplicated, numerous times, on someone's orders. "
Tim Winton
"Kraft is always getting better. It just is!" Norm, shouting at the top of his voice, ever so slightly taken by the rave reviews, went to the counter and asked: "the things worth Praise are shit, yes?"
"Do you want Praise?" the disposable literature seller asked Norm, beside himself with his latest purchase. "Give me Kraft or give me nothing," he mumbled as he walked and talked out the door.
Norm, a self-satisfied sandwich eater and lover of fine spreads everywhere and man of lettuce, tripped on the step, fell face-first into his book and the egg-based spread, praiseworthy, went all over his mouth.
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Oprah's New Diet Lands Her in The Slammer
October 1st 2008 01:10
Media heavyweight, fit porker and baby-sitter for Nicole, Oprah has been detained for further questions after it was revealed she had Nicole's aborted kids frozen.
"I'll ask the questions here," Oprah, an arse-queen, told officers who were only just doing their job after Ms. Winfrey, sightly insane, was seen paying with gash, I'll choke.
The fridge, a freezer, was seen to be emoting a strange and pungentlemanly order when Nicole, the aborted mutterer of three or more frozen snacks, came to pick them up.
"She said, everything was cool, sister, which immediately set off alarms in my heavily fortified wine," Nicole, a harmless baglady freezing to death, told her trolley of possesions as she froze for the cameras.
The aborted children, placated from an orphanage, had been placed in the freezer, a refrigerator, because they were going off, according to Oprah on her high rooting show.
"The little maggots were everywhere," she said as she talked into a chop, well-done, and stuffed her fuss while asking the question: Can you believe I hate the whole thing?
"I'll ask the questions here," Oprah, an arse-queen, told officers who were only just doing their job after Ms. Winfrey, sightly insane, was seen paying with gash, I'll choke.
The fridge, a freezer, was seen to be emoting a strange and pungentlemanly order when Nicole, the aborted mutterer of three or more frozen snacks, came to pick them up.
"She said, everything was cool, sister, which immediately set off alarms in my heavily fortified wine," Nicole, a harmless baglady freezing to death, told her trolley of possesions as she froze for the cameras.
The aborted children, placated from an orphanage, had been placed in the freezer, a refrigerator, because they were going off, according to Oprah on her high rooting show.
"The little maggots were everywhere," she said as she talked into a chop, well-done, and stuffed her fuss while asking the question: Can you believe I hate the whole thing?
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Kraft, Cheeses Packing Darkies over Racist Cheese, Coon, in More Strife
September 28th 2008 00:02
Kraft Cheese, the tyrannical manufacturers of vegetableless Vegemite and cheese Coon, is in trouble with the Jews after the release of its new line of sliced ham called Kosher.
"A pig is a dirty animal," Muslims facing Maccas, who are distributing the new and delicious product, prayed as Jews, working behind the scenes, as always, conspired to rob me.
The delicious pig-based ham, nearly 5% pure ham, has hit rivals for sex with a complete stranger with muscles in their thighs like you wouldn't believe and breasts made of milk.
"You don't say SPAM, you say shit," better rivals told their accountant, probably a Jew, as they rolled around in their filth while cutting off the lips and anus of a crucified porker.
The delicious lips and anus, 5% lips and anus, from the lips and anus of a pig have many groups up in arms, but it's the Kosher name that has Jews calling for all babies to be killed.
"It's not Kosher," a gentile told his terrible infant's kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Goldberg, as she took the suckling morsel off to the laughterhouse for a spot of sentenceless murder.
Kraft Cheese spokespeople, slippery customers, have told their customers, slippery, to slip their hands, slippery, into their pockets to feel around for their own lips and anuses, in response.
"We're asking people not to look at the label," they said in a statement, as they processed some food the way God intended, when he sent his first born down to the shops.
"A pig is a dirty animal," Muslims facing Maccas, who are distributing the new and delicious product, prayed as Jews, working behind the scenes, as always, conspired to rob me.
The delicious pig-based ham, nearly 5% pure ham, has hit rivals for sex with a complete stranger with muscles in their thighs like you wouldn't believe and breasts made of milk.
"You don't say SPAM, you say shit," better rivals told their accountant, probably a Jew, as they rolled around in their filth while cutting off the lips and anus of a crucified porker.
The delicious lips and anus, 5% lips and anus, from the lips and anus of a pig have many groups up in arms, but it's the Kosher name that has Jews calling for all babies to be killed.
"It's not Kosher," a gentile told his terrible infant's kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Goldberg, as she took the suckling morsel off to the laughterhouse for a spot of sentenceless murder.
Kraft Cheese spokespeople, slippery customers, have told their customers, slippery, to slip their hands, slippery, into their pockets to feel around for their own lips and anuses, in response.
"We're asking people not to look at the label," they said in a statement, as they processed some food the way God intended, when he sent his first born down to the shops.
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Vegemite v Marmite, cast your votes
September 10th 2008 01:33
Vegemite, a dark paste which is really nice in smelly doses, is fighting out a viscose war of nutrition with its nemesis: that other dork spread, Marmite, in a frighteningly hurtful and serious and real and dire and important and painful bottle for the ages.
"It's on, Vegemite!" Marmite said, welding a butter-knife lauded with cow-product, as Vegemite, offering the alive brunch of friendship, was rather taken aback to the Boer War and the Crimean and the Balkans in a deliciously pelletable capsule.
"It looks like me," Vegemite, a delightfully irrelevant spread choked, panting at the tiny capsule, "except, I can't stomach it," it said, putting itself about the place as Marmite, omni-impotent, got all gooey as it braised a toast to itself in topical fashion.
The bitter feud, no big deal and actually mouldy amusing, is as bitter as a yeast-injection can pissably get, and that's an extract from the movie to be shat in high-deafening pitch written by crappywriters who know their Kraft, inside and art.
"I must have the last word," Marmite, a waving mildman, said as Vegemite, flightfully laconic, peeled back its sticker to reveal its true contents, "Inside we're both just as thick as one another," it said, as Marmite, on toast, was used as a lubricant.
"It's on, Vegemite!" Marmite said, welding a butter-knife lauded with cow-product, as Vegemite, offering the alive brunch of friendship, was rather taken aback to the Boer War and the Crimean and the Balkans in a deliciously pelletable capsule.
"It looks like me," Vegemite, a delightfully irrelevant spread choked, panting at the tiny capsule, "except, I can't stomach it," it said, putting itself about the place as Marmite, omni-impotent, got all gooey as it braised a toast to itself in topical fashion.
The bitter feud, no big deal and actually mouldy amusing, is as bitter as a yeast-injection can pissably get, and that's an extract from the movie to be shat in high-deafening pitch written by crappywriters who know their Kraft, inside and art.
"I must have the last word," Marmite, a waving mildman, said as Vegemite, flightfully laconic, peeled back its sticker to reveal its true contents, "Inside we're both just as thick as one another," it said, as Marmite, on toast, was used as a lubricant.
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The Darkside of Slaughter
August 28th 2008 02:09
Man, a perpendicular character like a column, has, since as long as I can dismember, endeared himself to the slow-witted animuses it has domesticated.
"A cow, a calf and a lamb walk in to an abattoir," one such animus sheepishly jerked as it boarded a road-train bound for its fitful destiny.
"It's not the destination but the journey," another butted in rowdily, urinating with trepidation as motorists scented the slight perfume of a bit of veal.
"Anyway they walk into the abattoir," the farmer continued, as he felt a few rooted trees to make way for greener pastures, like the oiled country.
"Then what happened?" a ferocious reader muelsed, sucking the marrow from a laughing creature as the truck arrived at the abbatoir.
It was then that the animuses, as lowly as men but not afforded the sane spiritual laugh, were quietly uttered into the killing floor.
"Why do they call it a killing floor?" one calf, a pitiful creature in anyone's boots, asked its maternal leather udderpants, who was then lewdly taken awry.
"I'll tell you when I get back," she said comforting her infant, who was shaking in its writerproof boots, and wishing it had never been boring.
A cow, a calf and a lamb walk into an abattoir, are strung up by the leg with a chain, have their throat slit, until they slowly plead to death.
So the choke goes.
"A cow, a calf and a lamb walk in to an abattoir," one such animus sheepishly jerked as it boarded a road-train bound for its fitful destiny.
"It's not the destination but the journey," another butted in rowdily, urinating with trepidation as motorists scented the slight perfume of a bit of veal.
"Anyway they walk into the abattoir," the farmer continued, as he felt a few rooted trees to make way for greener pastures, like the oiled country.
"Then what happened?" a ferocious reader muelsed, sucking the marrow from a laughing creature as the truck arrived at the abbatoir.
It was then that the animuses, as lowly as men but not afforded the sane spiritual laugh, were quietly uttered into the killing floor.
"Why do they call it a killing floor?" one calf, a pitiful creature in anyone's boots, asked its maternal leather udderpants, who was then lewdly taken awry.
"I'll tell you when I get back," she said comforting her infant, who was shaking in its writerproof boots, and wishing it had never been boring.
A cow, a calf and a lamb walk into an abattoir, are strung up by the leg with a chain, have their throat slit, until they slowly plead to death.
So the choke goes.
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Recipe for Self-delusion
August 1st 2008 01:21
Pretend that you're making a difference in a big head. In a separate pun, cook off some mushy aggression. Take your opinions and beat off until tender. When the pun of big words smell, begin to slowly add the comments. Brown off until the whole thing sets a fight. Quickly strangle the chicken, making sure that it makes a loud noise. Set aside.
After a few days have pissed, put the whole lot in a pre-headed shovel and put on a low heat. Stammer. On a chopping block, deduce something from specious raisons. Chop infinitely. Get the cut feelings and pretend to be aggrieved. Mix, wailing at the top of your farce. Beat the whole thing into a deluded mass. Call someone a few names, obliquely. Cower behind the write-goods. Bash over the head with your big words. Stand.
Tickle out of the oven. In a large word, pretend to be good and kindly. Be an authority. Run for cover when you're found out. Cut with a blithering knife. Label the sauce on the serving pate. Spin the delusion to sound intellectual. Using big words, continuously. Dot with silent points. Sprinkle with errant forks. Add the opinions and serve cold. Take your spin and put in your mouth. Masticate. Swallow. Digest. Excrete. Repeat until deceased. Serves 6 billion.
After a few days have pissed, put the whole lot in a pre-headed shovel and put on a low heat. Stammer. On a chopping block, deduce something from specious raisons. Chop infinitely. Get the cut feelings and pretend to be aggrieved. Mix, wailing at the top of your farce. Beat the whole thing into a deluded mass. Call someone a few names, obliquely. Cower behind the write-goods. Bash over the head with your big words. Stand.
Tickle out of the oven. In a large word, pretend to be good and kindly. Be an authority. Run for cover when you're found out. Cut with a blithering knife. Label the sauce on the serving pate. Spin the delusion to sound intellectual. Using big words, continuously. Dot with silent points. Sprinkle with errant forks. Add the opinions and serve cold. Take your spin and put in your mouth. Masticate. Swallow. Digest. Excrete. Repeat until deceased. Serves 6 billion.
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Recipe for Self-satisfaction with Felon Fries
July 30th 2008 23:21
In a big head, cut off your noose to spit on your farce.
Flay in a steaming heap your opinions.
Pash your bible.
Wrap in a flag.
Preheat the slaves.
In a small mirror, have a lick at yourself.
Make sour your heir licks niece.
Comb your public heir for lace.
Smack crack.
Invade despotic notions with your farces.
Implement oily democracy.
Get the oil.
Add the opinions.
Spittle chips.
In a separate head, plant your ribbed ideals.
Take two straps back.
In a large prism facilty, house your slaves.
Hook on drugs and keep them cracking their hairs.
On a soppy box, stand.
Shout, pout and wiggle.
Straighten your tie.
When the word comes crashing down, run to the rack.
Balding.
Plug with arty facts.
In the preheaded slaves, place the mess.
Fly off the handle.
Spoil the starched cripples.
Waive the bible.
Place the preheaded slaves in your frying chair.
Cook until fried.
Stand.
Play to God.
Laugh your notion.
Serve on a bed of wowsers.
Drizzle with oil.
Good appetite!
Flay in a steaming heap your opinions.
Pash your bible.
Wrap in a flag.
Preheat the slaves.
In a small mirror, have a lick at yourself.
Make sour your heir licks niece.
Comb your public heir for lace.
Smack crack.
Invade despotic notions with your farces.
Implement oily democracy.
Get the oil.
Add the opinions.
Spittle chips.
In a separate head, plant your ribbed ideals.
Take two straps back.
In a large prism facilty, house your slaves.
Hook on drugs and keep them cracking their hairs.
On a soppy box, stand.
Shout, pout and wiggle.
Straighten your tie.
When the word comes crashing down, run to the rack.
Balding.
Plug with arty facts.
In the preheaded slaves, place the mess.
Fly off the handle.
Spoil the starched cripples.
Waive the bible.
Place the preheaded slaves in your frying chair.
Cook until fried.
Stand.
Play to God.
Laugh your notion.
Serve on a bed of wowsers.
Drizzle with oil.
Good appetite!
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Recipe for Scrambled Logic on Toast
July 30th 2008 22:41
Whistle your eggs in a bile with your bleaters into wide pokes.
In a flying pun, meld a tamponspanner of buttocks.
Add your opinions.
Fly until goaded.
Remove from the pun and quietly dud the eggs.
Stare contemptuosly, making sure not to spurn your laughers.
Take one crass of read-whinge. Drunk.
In a simpering pun clock up some spoiled spades.
Boil until mad with rouge. Drink some more whinge.
When the opinions are as you lick them, smash your head against a prickwall.
Toast to your goaded heart. Muddle.
Place in a large monitor and bake for 2 yards.
Dash the opinions, head, eggs, ogles into your toast.
Sneezing to taste.
Garnish with harps.
Good appetite!
In a flying pun, meld a tamponspanner of buttocks.
Add your opinions.
Fly until goaded.
Remove from the pun and quietly dud the eggs.
Stare contemptuosly, making sure not to spurn your laughers.
Take one crass of read-whinge. Drunk.
In a simpering pun clock up some spoiled spades.
Boil until mad with rouge. Drink some more whinge.
When the opinions are as you lick them, smash your head against a prickwall.
Toast to your goaded heart. Muddle.
Place in a large monitor and bake for 2 yards.
Dash the opinions, head, eggs, ogles into your toast.
Sneezing to taste.
Garnish with harps.
Good appetite!
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Japanese Vealers move in on rampant livestock
June 28th 2008 01:15
These ruminating mothers are safe from the Japanese Vealers
The Japanese Vealers have been met at the gate. Buy Australian Veal. Even after buying all our land, we still won the War. So there!
Holding up signs which read: "We are conducting cullinary tests", the Vealers were met by protesting mothers wearing lather jackets and slurping tea with their fluffy scorns, jammed.
Cows, responsible for Global Warming, are earmucked to be slaughtered in record numbers and their calves taken into State care, or summarily executed also.
"The only way to solve their embarrassing omissions is to stamp them and their offspring out, totally," legendary rugger Peter Garrett told his wailing martyr.
The Japanese are only too happy to help pout.
"It's a wink-wink situation," Garrett winked as he looked back at Molly Meldrum, who was sprouting a hat at the time.
Lather, of course.
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Australia is ready to blow
June 20th 2008 00:18
Australia, a ticking time bomb planted by the British cistern of justice, and full of the moribundly obtuse, is ready to explode, say starving Africans.
The striving Africans, also planted by the British sister of justice: prudence, have been dying to say something on this issue.
Their spokesman, Chilean duct-taper Robert Mugabe - responsible for the deaths of people, says that he's a machete for any man.
Westerly windy duck-tappers are Emocryptically elocuted.
"I'm more than a match for you fews," Mugabe said as he got a Brazilian under his nostril and waved his staffer in the hair.
Africans, no longer Slavs, their hands on the snips, are set to cut the cord with their colonial mothers, winch and four walls.
Colonialism is a mother of a thing at the beast of tames.
Yours says hi.
The striving Africans, also planted by the British sister of justice: prudence, have been dying to say something on this issue.
Their spokesman, Chilean duct-taper Robert Mugabe - responsible for the deaths of people, says that he's a machete for any man.
Westerly windy duck-tappers are Emocryptically elocuted.
"I'm more than a match for you fews," Mugabe said as he got a Brazilian under his nostril and waved his staffer in the hair.
Africans, no longer Slavs, their hands on the snips, are set to cut the cord with their colonial mothers, winch and four walls.
Colonialism is a mother of a thing at the beast of tames.
Yours says hi.
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Bill Henson's victims ask for brains
June 5th 2008 02:28
Those unwilling victims who unfortunately succumbed to the irresistible charms of kiddie-pornographer, terrorist sympathiser and drug boss, Bill "Mad Dog" Henson now tell of their years of torment in front of his vaselined apparatus.
"He used to really smear it on," said one recently formed adolescent with a fanny gate.
The victims were assembled by harmless community leaders who were licking for some action of their own.
"Unfortunately these kids are no longer kids at all," one federal policeman said as his download finished.
"It's thanks to these disgusting images of the human body that we should all fear the human body," a crusader for the righteousness of their own egocentric altruism stated.
Bill Henson, himself now undead, probably wishes he was.
"He used to really smear it on," said one recently formed adolescent with a fanny gate.
The victims were assembled by harmless community leaders who were licking for some action of their own.
"Unfortunately these kids are no longer kids at all," one federal policeman said as his download finished.
"It's thanks to these disgusting images of the human body that we should all fear the human body," a crusader for the righteousness of their own egocentric altruism stated.
Bill Henson, himself now undead, probably wishes he was.
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Prominent Butcher becomes a Vegan at Abbatoir
March 24th 2008 23:12
A university educated butcher and pillow of the community has put down his wife's cleavage after witnessing the wholesale laughter of animals in his neighbour's boudoir.
"They were laughing at their plight," the bloody butcher told patrons of the arts, "It made me rethink how much suffering I really cause."
His wife, a very buxom madam, is dismayed that her inseminator will no longer be eating her lactating treats.
"This is absolute tripe," she sniped, "And it's only $2 a kilo."
Cows, happy to be taken to laughter, refused to admit that they are the central fingers in a rort that seeds millions of bucks flow into already bulging hips.
"Those with money don't really care as long their money is making yet more," one innocent veal chop told apple sauces who wished to remain apples.
"They were laughing at their plight," the bloody butcher told patrons of the arts, "It made me rethink how much suffering I really cause."
His wife, a very buxom madam, is dismayed that her inseminator will no longer be eating her lactating treats.
"This is absolute tripe," she sniped, "And it's only $2 a kilo."
Cows, happy to be taken to laughter, refused to admit that they are the central fingers in a rort that seeds millions of bucks flow into already bulging hips.
"Those with money don't really care as long their money is making yet more," one innocent veal chop told apple sauces who wished to remain apples.
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| Vote |
LIPOSUCKER TURNS LARD-ARSE INTO DELICIOUS SPREAD
February 27th 2008 01:12
I can't believe it's not a butterball
The "fat sucker", as she's known on the streets, claims she's made herself the toast(spread) of the town by losing all her pounds on the track.
"I've lost track of my arsehole," the deaf vegetable spread told toasters, so many times has she had it penetrated.
Toasters raised their glasses to a running bath, before being pushed in by waiters.
The butterball's husband, Becks, told cooking toasters: "When I need someone to spread, I'll call my wife."
The posh spread, spicy, doesn't have a great rack.
| 90 |
| Vote |
Boomerangs and booze, our worst fears
January 20th 2008 23:49
Australians are fed up with baby formula, an exclusive surveyor reveals.
The surveyor, a man with a funny shaped implement, has told us that massive new homes should go everywhere.
"If I had my way, I'd keep a couple of abo butlers." he said looking through his glass.
He believes that the legal age for drinking should be lowered to open up new markets in all communities not just those of our "lucky monkey bastards".
Many are asking the question, "Who was here before the aboriginal?".
It is a quest that has a nation of drunkards falling over themselves to answer.
"I'm sorry, but I don't think I should say sorry." the surveyor's little women said while washing up.
Apart from apartheid this system is the best we've got.
In private, the surveyor also told us that.
The surveyor, a man with a funny shaped implement, has told us that massive new homes should go everywhere.
"If I had my way, I'd keep a couple of abo butlers." he said looking through his glass.
He believes that the legal age for drinking should be lowered to open up new markets in all communities not just those of our "lucky monkey bastards".
Many are asking the question, "Who was here before the aboriginal?".
It is a quest that has a nation of drunkards falling over themselves to answer.
"I'm sorry, but I don't think I should say sorry." the surveyor's little women said while washing up.
Apart from apartheid this system is the best we've got.
In private, the surveyor also told us that.
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Govt to apologise for sauce mix-up
January 15th 2008 22:58
Things last night turned nippy at a wild party organised by a blubbering teenager with Greek fans being sprayed with garlic sauce.
Fans grasped for hair as the Greeks raised their arms above their heads.
"The air turned foul when the cops asked them to stick their hands up." one Chilean dictator on a respirator said.
Japanese whalers, who have undertaken scientific research on the teenager they claim is part of their quota, have held up signs to the media to the effect that, "He looks and sounds like a normal teenager".
The normal teenager, who many believe to be the fashion victim in all this, has told the media that the rowdy Greeks were protesting the new surface of the courts.
"Mate, these courts are a disgrace, mate." one said, "They should be concrete. Concrete, mate. Concrete."
Police who rushed on the scene to impress this really hot girl in the front row are pleased with the teenager's abduction by alien vessels but slightly miffed that the girl was watching herself on the big screen.
The Government has said that it's sorry it can't steal this generation.
Fans grasped for hair as the Greeks raised their arms above their heads.
"The air turned foul when the cops asked them to stick their hands up." one Chilean dictator on a respirator said.
Japanese whalers, who have undertaken scientific research on the teenager they claim is part of their quota, have held up signs to the media to the effect that, "He looks and sounds like a normal teenager".
The normal teenager, who many believe to be the fashion victim in all this, has told the media that the rowdy Greeks were protesting the new surface of the courts.
"Mate, these courts are a disgrace, mate." one said, "They should be concrete. Concrete, mate. Concrete."
Police who rushed on the scene to impress this really hot girl in the front row are pleased with the teenager's abduction by alien vessels but slightly miffed that the girl was watching herself on the big screen.
The Government has said that it's sorry it can't steal this generation.
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| Vote |
Curries, the Source of Trouble
January 5th 2008 23:17
Rug-heads from around the shit-hole of Central Asia and those manning taxis from inside Australian borders are a bunch of monkey throwers, according to leading walkers.
The curry-munchers, nothing more than peculiar smelling and incomprehensible, will have to eat humble curry-pie when they feel the might of a nation of beaters.
"My fellow Australians love nothing more than whipping curries", said gourmet chef and Channel Nine wicketkeeper Ian Healy.
It's the reason curries over here never rise.
"They want curry, then that's what we'll give them", said a waiter in an Indian Restaurant.
It is believed the champ at the center of the curry-controversy has slipped while grinding his organs.
"Mate, I've had to ape Australians in order to become one. That's why I'm more Aussie than bonza, you beaut, cobber", the coconut-clapper claims.
The curry-munchers, nothing more than peculiar smelling and incomprehensible, will have to eat humble curry-pie when they feel the might of a nation of beaters.
"My fellow Australians love nothing more than whipping curries", said gourmet chef and Channel Nine wicketkeeper Ian Healy.
It's the reason curries over here never rise.
"They want curry, then that's what we'll give them", said a waiter in an Indian Restaurant.
It is believed the champ at the center of the curry-controversy has slipped while grinding his organs.
"Mate, I've had to ape Australians in order to become one. That's why I'm more Aussie than bonza, you beaut, cobber", the coconut-clapper claims.
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HOLLYWOOD WRITERS' STRIKE LEAVES US SALIVATING
December 15th 2007 00:24
The debilitating stroke that has left Hollywood a dribbling vegetable has left Australia a shrivelled carrot.
The dehydrated vegetable was found by watching television.
Neighbours who found the floppy produce have called for calm in the wake of calls for greater critical dramatic skills on behalf of the audience.
"This carrot is a symbol for all that is good and wholesome" said one, as he made a bechamel sauce.
The vegetable couldn't be reached today.
It won't be reached tomorrow.
Donkeys for carrying packs have refused to demand more from themselves than striving for flacid phalluses.
"I'm hard-up for for hard-earned," said one whaler aboard his faithful ass, "but I won't chase carrots for a few measly fistfulls."
I've got my hands full with my own.
The dehydrated vegetable was found by watching television.
Neighbours who found the floppy produce have called for calm in the wake of calls for greater critical dramatic skills on behalf of the audience.
"This carrot is a symbol for all that is good and wholesome" said one, as he made a bechamel sauce.
The vegetable couldn't be reached today.
It won't be reached tomorrow.
Donkeys for carrying packs have refused to demand more from themselves than striving for flacid phalluses.
"I'm hard-up for for hard-earned," said one whaler aboard his faithful ass, "but I won't chase carrots for a few measly fistfulls."
I've got my hands full with my own.
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Obese man eats the person sitting next to him on a plane
December 12th 2007 00:41
An "excessively overweight' man from Canberra, dissatisfied with the size of his meal, has consumed "sushi" in protest.
The man, simply known as Mrs. Howard, has also complained about skinny people "disagreeing with my constitution".
Australia, a land of no firm constitution, has consumed the lives of literally a couple of Aborigines and convicted bread stealers.
The wife of Mrs. Howard, a brothel-going layabout, was relieved that her husband had not eaten the flight crew.
"He's always said that eating out a cockpit was his ultimate goal. I, and the prostitutes I frequent, are glad he's finally been satisfied."
Obese people are furious that they have to share the person sitting next to them.
The man, simply known as Mrs. Howard, has also complained about skinny people "disagreeing with my constitution".
Australia, a land of no firm constitution, has consumed the lives of literally a couple of Aborigines and convicted bread stealers.
The wife of Mrs. Howard, a brothel-going layabout, was relieved that her husband had not eaten the flight crew.
"He's always said that eating out a cockpit was his ultimate goal. I, and the prostitutes I frequent, are glad he's finally been satisfied."
Obese people are furious that they have to share the person sitting next to them.
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Michael Jackson Chucks Spears
November 24th 2007 00:29
The Spears-chucker(seated left)
A top American head-fucker has told a crowd of emotionally ingrown toe-nail clippings that Michael Jackson has been the "ass model" for popped princess Britney "Asparagus" Spears.
"Look at his ass and then look at hers. Then look at his. Then hers. Then his. Hers. His. The similarities are striking", Dr. Pinky Drew said while snorting a line of chalk.
"It's how her father treated me to a cheeseburger and milkshake that made me get down on all fours like the related chimp that I am".
Unlike many women today Wacko Jacko lost his virginity at his own hand.
"If the show fits. We're it." the noted doctor of nine told shocked power-lines while dancing the foxtrot in the middle of a game of chasey.
"It all adds up to a recording contract and a string of hits followed by a healthy dose of living on. Others'll have me eating scones" the head-fucker finished with.
The world spins on its axis.
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Al Gore boils his girlfriend's flesh
October 12th 2007 23:13
Gore gets a fat one
Al Gore has celebrated his induction into Tennis Hall of Fame by boiling the prime flesh of former girlfriend Oprah Winfrey.
"It's on special occasions such as these that we should all be able to eat friendly hams."
With the overpopulation of the planet severely jeopardizing the planet itself, Gore has strongly advocated dismembering other Sudanese immigrants.
Winfrey, a Sudanese import, was grain fed.
Said Kevin Andrews, a guest of Gore's, "It's convenient that this particular African was so ample. Mostly they're waifers. Let's see how this one assimilates into my constitution."
Winfrey, a one-time sandwich for Bill Clinton, will tomorrow be a sandwich for running-mate Gore.
"She's not a communist, but she is red meat nonetheless", Gore said as he finished off the last few pages attending him.
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Insensitive: Indonesians hold barbecue for Bali bombers
October 11th 2007 08:47
Delta Goodrem, who believes in life but not wife, is what locals call "jerky"
Fresh from the release of her latest hit album "Bigger Than A River System", humble pianola grinder and vocal torture-artist Delta "Spit-roast" Goodrem has landed herself at the table of the whacky Bali bombadiers.
"It's another massive honour for me to have this honour" Miss Goodrem beseached as she combed her locks with another woman's hubby.
"The locals keep telling me that I'm really cooking. It's not unusual for audiences to say that to me." she said before the emaciated villlagers.
Vanessa Amorosi's second cousin, simply known as Amoroso, said that he couldn't wait to tuck into Goodrem's latest offering of ivory and tonsil-tickling.
"She's the bomb, that bitch" he mumbled as he fiddled with his mobile phone while fertilizing his tulips.
Goodrem, who is painfully aware that the local custom of singing live is as foreign to her as a Sudanese to Sunshine, said she's willing to steal anyone's husband and move her lips when she's supposed to be.
"I was born to try" she said, before the impatient bombers.
Medical experts can't help thinking that chemotherapy has set music back ten years.
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Moderated by Norm
