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Consumption Malfunction - I find it all so amusing.

Health - Consumption Malfunction

VICTORIA BITTER AND WILD TURKEY WARN DRUG-USERS OF CHRISTMAS CRACKDOWN

December 3rd 2012 00:36
The good people at Victoria Bitter and Wild Turkey are warning young people about the risks of not being a real man, in time for Christmas.

"Based on over 25 years of research," a life-long thirty-something Wild Turkey-addict says, "I am man enough to admit that I can only drink so much before I have to place another bet."

Typifying this mentality was a CNN interview on Thursday night with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange.

"So, Mr Assange," the interviewer asks the WikiLeaks founder, "how much would you like to bet that open and honest government is either English for totalitarian regime or Scotch for freedom?"

The single-party system seen in forms of government where English or Scotch is the spoken language usually takes on the appearance of being between two different colours of exactly the same bloody hat!

"If it was up to me," a lifelong VB-addict says, "I would remove the labels on my cans of beer to make an aluminium helmet to wear for protection against bugs crawling under my skin and into my brain and I'm willing to wager argh argh! My foot! Get it off! Get it off!!"

We're not looking for him. He has shoes now. He's much more difficult to spot, police commissioner Ray Kelly said.

"Have you ever tried finding a man wearing a pair of shoes?" the police commissioner asked. "It's like looking for drapes that don't clash with the floor-covering."

The good people at Victoria Bitter and Wild Turkey would like to thank the kind people of National Nine News for alerting the fine people of the Victoria Police to possible domestic issues, in time for a special on at Dan Murphy's.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


Coca-Cola Teams Up With The Church To Promote New Soft-Drink For Kids!

November 19th 2012 01:20
In the wake of the recent revelations about clergymen giving children in their care soft-drinks mixed with narcotics, Coca-Cola is proud to present to you the latest drink designed to make it easy to have your way with a little boy.

"Little boys," Coca-Cola's Asa Griggs Chandler said in a séance conducted last evening, "are notoriously difficult to keep quiet, particularly with caffeine and sugar in their systems, but we believe we have the solution with new Coca-Cola Sodomy!"

Coca-Cola Sodomy has the refreshing taste and nutritional benefits of the original but when taken in the presence of a not-so-celibate priest may result in temporary loss of consciousness and absolutely no memory of anything improper or illegal taking place.

"Just because you don't have a memory of an incident," a high-ranking and foul-smelling member of the clergy said, "does not mean that it did not happen. Just look at this video posted on YouTube of me singing Bryan Adams' Heaven. It had hundreds of viewers."

YouTube removed the offending video after it was repeatedly shown to contain vision of an axe-wielding Archbishop confessing to having feelings of a sinful nature (envy) for a naked and bound man getting spread out and nailed.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


ALL NEW LAPTOPS TO BE FITTED WITH SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS

October 22nd 2012 02:56
A new government regulation passed today will make it mandatory for all new laptops to be fitted with this tiny little camera that is really hard to see after a sudden jump in the incidence of self-abuse.

"What I have seen," the clearly distressed HP650 laptop that I sat down with over a sandwich said, "would make you an internet sensation - you'd be stopped on the street - if I had a camera on me."

Norm is quick to distance himself from claims that he engages in habitual self-gratification, but would like to point out that "a sex-tape could send his faltering career in to the stratosphere".

Critics say the tape is an "edge-of-your-seat white-kunckle up-close-and-personal look at loneliness and desperation culminating in a fitting climax, but the facial expressions alone make it really quite pathetic."

Rumours of a sex-tape circulating on the internet sent subscribers scurrying to their search engines to get their dirty little eyes on what a top optometrist is calling "a wank" and "bad for your eyes."

"Hands where I can see them!" a taser-toting cop asked of me later and, tickling me to the ground, cited me for a variety of serious offences including "inappropriate laughter" and "impersonating a police officer".

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


Orble columnist Norm on ice amid plagiarism claims

September 28th 2012 07:16
RISING media star and Orble communist Norm has been accused of writing the words he puts into a sentence and his mind has gone blank.

Norm, who just can't think of anything, and makes appearances at the supermarket and the library, is currently incapable of thinking of anything to say.

Last night on the couch, Norm could be clearly seen plotting the something something before tottering off to sleep on the floor and having a little wank.

"I didn't mean to say that," Norm told himself, clearly unaware his thought was being transcribed, "but I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and something."

According to something something happened and let me just say that it sort of makes everything sound really dramatic when I think and write like this, doesn't it!

The accusations of creating original content that Norm is facing stem from an article he is in the process of preparing for public consumption but is believed to be lacking substance.

"The danger in writing whatever you're thinking," Norm says, "is that you better be writing on something, which is why claims I'm on meth amphetamines aren't so far-fetched."

Ahead of tomorrow's AFL Grand Final Prime MInister Howard demonstrates how to mark correctly

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


Tony Abbott reveals he has AIDS

September 27th 2012 03:13
Opposition leader Tony Abbott has revealed for the first time that he is suffering from full-blown AIDS.

Mr. Abbott learned of his condition just three weeks ago after one of his legs fell off while while in the shower.

"It's a sad day for politics, ladies and gentleman," Mr. Abbott said, "when one of my legs falls off."

Doctors have described Abbott's chances of recovering his leg as "slim" after one of them took it as a souvenir.

"If he thinks he's getting it back," Dr. Ahmed said, "he's having hallucinations and possibly a seizure."

Mr. Abbott looked noticeably short of a limb as he climbed into bed last night but, because he didn't fart we let him stay.

"That's where you are wrong," Mr. Abbott told me in the morning, "because I did fart but worse still - I also wet the bed."

Mr. Abbott claims that he had a dream where he standing over a toilet and "it was so real" that he thought he was.

Mr. Abbott moments before entering the shower

The Pope has called on Mr. Abbott to make sure he is wearing a condom the next time they meet or go to "the other place".

"His chances of going to the other place," Mr. Ratzinger said, choking on an arm, "are pretty good if he does."

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


Hundreds protest Spanish health cuts targetting migrants

September 3rd 2012 02:16
Fast-moving flames and choking smoke engulfed mountains by the glitzy Spanish resort of Marbella, killing an elderly Briton, injuring five people and sending thousands fleeing to prevent them from spreading.

A video obtained by The Associated Press Television News showed rebel fighters, some in civilian clothes, in the street trading fire with government troops that try to distract us from the truth.

Even as Republicans were scrambling to douse the flames, party leaders were hashing out a platform to be unveiled at next week's convention while the children of God (the seeds planted by Christ) will enjoy eternal life.

Security staff called in the fire brigade after noticing a "hazardous gas" smell, communication director Dr Aidan Burke told AAP in a statement, out to lead you astray or take your money.

He had the blazing personality, celebrity and personal wealth needed to fight back with legal and public relations battles to clear his name — and he did, time after time for I am the Lord your God.

"Immigrants have in their time been a cheap source of labour, and now that they are no longer of any use, they are being sent to the slaughterhouse," he said in Matthew 7?

He maintained it was merely a suffocating experience, and that is how most people are deceived by false doctrine.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


Sky yet to fall in, Tony Abbott concedes

August 25th 2012 05:55
Federal Opposition Leader Tony Abbott is a father of three daughters who describes himself as a modern man.

"I'm often accused of running a scare campaign about the carbon tax," he said.

Prosecutors, defence lawyers and a spokeswoman for the University of Colorado didn't immediately return calls seeking comment.

He retired from The Muppets in 2004.

He says many politicians don't act because national drinking rates are not getting worse.

But he says it does not make sense to wait for them, while the number of Hepatitis C cases is still growing.

He was treated for the illness that also affected him in June, when he was admitted to hospital after braving cold, wet and windy conditions on the royal barge for several hours during the Queen's diamond jubilee pageant on the River Thames.

"Some would say that we are building a perfect storm," he said.

The project has now been given the green light.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Health, People, True Stories
   


'Locked-in' man not allowed to die

August 17th 2012 05:54
West Australian Premier Colin Barnett says an 8.3 per cent increase in the cost of gas needs to be put into "perspective".

But solicitor John Ellis from Sydney firm David Beggs and Associates says he has acted on behalf of victims and believes the number could be higher.

However, the prevalence of smoking has dropped from nearly 22 per cent in 2002 to 14.5 per cent in 2011.

A US Army private, Bradley Manning, faces trial in a US military court later this year for allegedly passing the classified material to WikiLeaks.

"Suicide is the toughest enemy I have faced in my 37 years in the Army," said General Lloyd Austin, the US Army's vice chief of staff.

Mr Abbott said he never uttered those words.

In January, the 58-year-old asked the High Court to declare that any doctor who kills him with his consent will not be charged with murder.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


Archibald Prize-winning artist dies

July 31st 2012 09:06
A Mississippi couple was told by a pastor that a creative and chaotic approach packed with dead cats, bloodied kangaroos, headless women and the bodies of three family members will make Russia pay, and it is doubtful that his tractor rolled down a steep embankment.

It is understood Pastor Stan Weatherford told ABC television I have just come back from the United States and, after being shot in the abdomen and the human brain or a limb, found weapons in his car, including a Taser, guns and a veritable factory of ideas.

That means that a wedding, which was planned for July 20, between the cheeks of his bottom and reporters in Sydney on Monday, cannot legally be on the road since there is no infrastructure unless the Liberal-National parties said words could not describe what it was like to say `I think my kiddy-wink did that the other day'.

It is the first time a pastor who is white completed a treatment plan put forward by a certain norm and billions more could be at risk, according to a regular and consistent viewer of child pornography, who had no animosity toward the church, or the faithful.

He added that a woman at the centre of the tragedy spoke briefly with the man on Tuesday before viewing a cut in large-scale infrastructure projects in the Maitland-Newcastle diocese in 1949 - rumoured to be rented by Jay-Z and Beyonce during August.

He is accused of distributing more than three kilograms of meth - in co-operation with the Newcastle City local area command - because, guess what sweetie, a rotting pig's head, a poorly constructed septic system, and an inadequate girlfriend made him increasingly isolated, killing an estimated 800 people.

Images showed dozens of rescuers, survivors, dignitaries, along with about 80 heads, several family members, staffers, dead cats, bloodied kangaroos, headless women and punk men - especially in Tibetan Buddhist monasteries; and did my head in for some strange reason with an electrical short-circuit seen as the most likely cause.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Love, Health
   


Aussie women were thalidomide guinea pigs

July 28th 2012 05:51
Pregnant Australian women said, that by choosing to wear an old dress, a 57-year-old masseur - who allegedly lost more than $120 million overnight - posted videos of themselves on Facebook driving at the fact the sentence wouldn't change the island.

Documents from a "bad batch" of heroin in in the 80s called The Earlybird show with Marty the Monster and Det-Set Sgt. Ranford said Gina Rinehart has to have been taking thalidomide, expecting an even better performance in coming quarters.

Trials took place on pregnant young Indonesian people, used around the world, saying "the authoritarian tendencies are very evident on each and every day in Japan and Costa Rica," meaning that those with malicious intent can increase their appetites.

A 1962 letter written by six gorillas who are among the most popular plants growing in a field at Mount Amos, 142cm tall, and of medium build, wore the same metallic blue dress that she appeared in, which is a strong and continual interest of mine and undeclared nuts.

In 1961, consumers throughout the world – available throughout regional Victoria – which features British-born actor Christian Bale as one of the world's most influential women in 2005 and 2009, succeeded in damaging al-Qaeda but are now celebrities or other famous people.

The documents also show customers, and their desire to make orders, deserved serious criticism and received ample praise, "inviting God's judgment" by accepting the idea that Tim Cook is doing a tremendous job.

The files are contained in an affidavit lodged in the walls of two bedrooms that included details and drawing of his plans to play cricket, and is known to sing karaoke and perform in Paris with an image of chicken meat production, an AFP photographer said.


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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health, People
   


Study: Coke and Pepsi contain alcohol

July 1st 2012 04:44
Facebook users, especially those under the influence of alcohol or drugs, were venting anger Tuesday over a move changing users' default email address to the one operated by the entertainment industry or roadside zoos.

As growth in use shifts increasingly from developed to developing countries, UNODC director Tom Cruise appealed for more help to newly-affected nations, ill-equipped to fight cataracts, glaucoma and muscular degeneration, while there were 2.3 million alcohol-related and 5.1 million smoking-related deaths.

But he told Vargas that's no longer the case with alcohol, when he almost lost his sight to severe glaucoma while he was subjected to physical and sexual violence, drugged and forced to go scuba diving and taste a few Carnarvon bananas.

"I'm a man of science, I have a very high IQ. I have the ability to solve problems in a second," he told police to compensate for the wibbly-wobbly movements of our world, with his bizarre escape making officials suspicious.

"Please be careful when dealing with the homeless population," the North Miami Beach police department told its officers in a corner of the theatre away from the chatter of invited actors, artists, schoolchildren and local dignitaries high on synthetic marijuana.

In addition, there were debates on the merits of various ways of housing hens, he said with a pistol, which resoundingly ended the agitation, insomnia, irritability, dizziness, depression, paranoia, delusions, suicidal thoughts, seizures and panic attacks - which likely comes from throwing bottles and swinging wooden poles.

They (hens) are victims of poaching and of the destruction of their habitat, part of a backlash against the dominance of low-fat products since the eighties – but don't worry, you can still have a coke and drive home under the supervision of a doctor or GP; and 20 percent said they knew someone who claimed to have seen one.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Food, Health
   


German police solve 'forest boy' mystery

June 16th 2012 05:01
Perry Kendall, the chief medical officer of British Columbia province, said on Thursday that he was also convicted of stealing a packet of potato chips but was cleared of the more serious charges of intentionally or recklessly yelling at the top of his voice and jumping into bushes, adding that more extensive studies are underway in search of even older evidence, but said the information was needed to counter people-smugglers' false promises.

Quoted on Dutch television, people who recognised him said he had "had" personal problems and should be put in a chaff bag and dumped at sea.

However Craig Eaton, chairman of the Brooklyn Republican Party, called 'it' despicable, before she is sentenced later this year.

I'm not a thief, Stanford, who did not testify at the trial, told the judge, wearing nothing but their underwear.

"It cannot be proven at this time, it is just my gut feeling," he told reporters, covered in blood and up to 75 per cent of his face ripped off.

That's why I choose Swisse.

"I think it has no harmful effects like putting billions of dollars into the hands of criminal enterprises," Kendall said while working as a bus driver dangerously polluting the atmosphere right across the globe, saying that his first name was Ray and that he had lived in the woods with his father for five years, according to research that examines the nations' personal hygiene habits.

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Russian scientists promise to make you immortal

May 23rd 2012 07:15
Nancy Reagan, widow of the late US president Ronald Reagan, suffered broken ribs and is recovering slowly from a fall.

She says she didn't realise the 'Moscow mule' – made of ginger beer, lime and vodka - she consumed before getting behind the wheel had alcohol in it.

Most women are expected to do chores such as bathing livestock, milking cows or working in the fields.

But don't get too excited.

At the couple's trial yesterday the court was told they had tried to force their daughter into a more traditional lifestyle by sending her back to Pakistan and arranging a marriage for her.

The plan provoked an angry response from John Heubusch, executive director of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation.

Anyone who recognises the man is urged to contact British Transport Police.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


Don't blame me for Whitney's death, Bobby Brown says

May 1st 2012 03:47
The 58-year-old said he couldn't think of an occasion when his views had diverged from those of the LNP.

"It's actually embarrassing," he added.

He was arrested for breaching an extended supervision order after a person recognised him driving a van load of children, eating into the wealth of many Australians.

But he was forced to abandon that vehicle after crashing it into a minibus after it crashed into his electric wheelchair late yesterday.

Just behind him with £12.3 billion came Uzbek-born metals and mining tycoon Alisher Usmanov, who holds about 30 percent of the parent company of Arsenal football club, followed by women in their early 40s and 50s.

"I am happy to be a cog in the machine, just going along, doing what I can do to make the country better because we are all Australians, whether we are billionaires, millionaires, whether we live in a very poor circumstance or not," he said where the passengers disembarked but found local cafes shut.

He said the two main issues with public transport were cleanliness and safety on trains, during an "epiphany" in the shower.

"Possibly drug related, we’re keeping our options open at the moment," Det Insp Trenwith said, but the south-eastern seaboard is still where households with the big incomes live.

Human rights activist Lev Ponomarev told Interfax news agency: "If this is true, then it is a direct violation of the rights of disabled people."

But this isn't considered as big of a problem now as it had been.

"I think Tony Abbott is a great leader and he is someone I support 100 per cent as the next prime minister of Australia," Mr Palmer said, appearing to indicate he was ok.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Food, Health
   


Wiretapped dancer says Berlusconi told her to lie

April 26th 2012 03:22
Mr Nystrom's sister, Annette Turner, says he is homeless, unemployed, mentally ill and does not speak Swedish.

He urged the public to come forward with any information.

And conversely, he paired luxurious knitted jersey tracksuit-style grey pants with black brogues, a polo neck and a suit jacket, for a look both elegant and athletic.

"This was not an isolated incident," Shelbyville Police Lieutenant Michael Turner said.

"I'm in shock," said Virginia Fike, from Berryville, Virginia.

"I just know it's wrong. What do we do about it, I don't know now," she said.

"We genuinely believe there is a possibility that she is alive," said Detective Chief Inspector Andy Redwood from Scotland Yard's Homicide and Serious Crime Command, who is leading the investigative review after her hairstylist visited her home to do her hair.

He is breathing with the help of an oxygen mask and needs intravenous feeding and antibiotics.

It was also revealed he could not be baptised or attend school.

Again, this can only be good news.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


MEXICAN TEAM BOBBLES LIVE HEART: REPORT

January 15th 2012 13:59
Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson, who has upset Mexico in the past, had become solitary, not wanting to leave the roasted pork loin with cherry and apple chutney.

Neighbours say his trousers are always too short for his legs, a symptom of heavy methamphetamine use, the Herald Sun reported, especially in the Navy.

The British Government is investigating the program filmed on a toilet after the United States and Israel warned of a possible terrorist attack, apparently respectable bankers, lawyers or notaries said.

They have no brain activity, their head is packed in ice, and they are in what has been described as primary school, missing the last dance and the bouquet toss.

British conservative MP Andrea Leadsom aired her concerns after she lay on a generous mound of potato puree, addicted to heroin, playing table tennis against the wall.

Fishermen spotted the adult female near large-scale projects, five restaurants, 13 bars, five Jacuzzis and four swimming pools, telling a judge that she strangled a nine-year-old neighbour with her hands.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


DOCTORS TO REMOVE VIETNAMESE MAN'S 90KG TUMOUR

January 5th 2012 12:00
He may not even need stitches, he said.

Police have not recovered the knife, which had a blade about 7cm long.

But that's the challenge for radio legend Alan Jones as he prepares to make Lamb Empanadillas.

"My resolutions, try to maintain humility and always curiosity," he tweets. "And of course diet!"

He said people should not eat any mushrooms unless they are sure they are poisonous.

Now, he suggests, if you have $1 million, hide it under his mattress.

Researchers operating a robot submersible found a plethora of unidentified creatures including crabs, starfish, barnacles, sea anemones and an octopus.

On the street the drugs is often referred to as Scat Cat, 666 or Meow-Meow.

"A lot of customers would like them sold all year round," he added. "What we are doing is responding to customer demand."

He would eventually be exonerated.

And in December 2008, he had surgery to remove a pair of Speedos.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


MANY AUSSIES SUFFERING AT CHRISTMAS: PM

January 1st 2012 07:06
"Oh, I don't know," muttered Milli as she shrugged.

Former prime minister John Howard has been appointed a member of the Order of Merit (OM) by the Queen.

She told police a man had struck her on the head with a rock and choked her until she passed out.

"It's absolutely inspiring. It's given me a lump in my throat," Miranda Fiske told AAP.

"During my time inside my shallow grave where I was buried alive, I feared that my life was at an end and I was going to die," she said.

Then there was Andrew Peacock.

"He was a trusted family friend," Aliahna's step-grandfather, David Story, told The Associated Press late Monday, saying he was surprised by the arrest.

"That's too bad," Milli said.

"People who are living with blindness can experience great levels of depression," she said.

For more you'll have to read ahead.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


STORMY SUN COULD KNOCK OUT POWER GRIDS: REPORT

December 4th 2011 03:02
MATURE CONTENT
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


FATHER CHARGED WITH WASHING MACHINE DEATH

November 29th 2011 03:01
The inquiry was launched by David Cameron in July amid the furore over the phone-hacking scandal at the News of the World.

He also argued some evidence should not have been allowed at his trial and that he was provoked.

"If the mission was to murder Toby Mitchell, it was spectacularly unsuccessful," he said.

He was not seriously injured, but Detective Mick Stoltenberg says it is a shocking incident.

Media reports say the pair were previously in a relationship and had a history of domestic violence.

"It's very much the wild west when you start looking at things like this," he said.

And for those who want a bottom like Scherzinger, the Hollywood hard body recently revealed her secrets.

She has also described the church's leader David Miscavige as a psychopath and says he should be put on trial.

Remember his role is to deceive all people into thinking he is the Lord Jesus.

"If next week Europe blows up we would have to throw a sudden u-turn in Australia's budget," he said.

Pakistan has said the attack was an unprovoked assault and has said it reserves the right to retaliate.

Then your enemies would learn the reason for your fame!

One man has been arrested.


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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


LATEST TEEN FACEBOOK CRAZE DESCRIBED AS 'HAVEN FOR PEDOPHILES'

November 23rd 2011 00:25
Nick Theodorakopoulos from Lucky Charm news agency in the Galleries Victoria in Sydney's CBD says it's "extremely exciting."

However, those employed by the Department of Environment and Conservation have been told to apply in writing before taking part in such activity.

Prime Minister John Key said he didn't failed to stem the brain drain across the Tasman - and the plan hadn't been abandoned.

"We found that 84 per cent of all connections are between users in the same country," they said.

Detective Superintendent Charlie Carver says illicit drugs are dangerous, regardless of the amount taken, and the public needs to be mindful of the consequences.

Last year, 2433 people died in coal mining accidents in the country, according to official statistics -- a rate of more than six workers per day.

It’s believed Queensland police are monitoring the trend.

A man was arrested on Tuesday afternoon and taken to Burwood Police Station.

Oneal Ron Morris - who police say was born a man and identifies as a woman - was arrested on Friday after nearly a year of being sought and charged with practicing medicine without a licence with serious bodily injury.

But he developed an illness and was then taken to hospital.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


BOY FACES HEART ATTACK IF HE LAUGHS

November 22nd 2011 03:54
He was forced to seek treatment after a blow-up with his former girlfriend and actor Rachael Taylor in a Rome hotel room led to legal action.

She underwent a face and double hand transplant in May, but the hands failed to thrive because of complications and were removed.

Another colleague Jessica Ptrzywalski received serious lacerations when she was hit in the face with a bottle.

"The country wants to turn the page and start again," he added.

Yesterday, the court was told it was a classic case of mistaken identity.

Newtown says he is now well on the road to recovery and wants to act again.

Her burned body was found after she was raped and murdered in what the prosecutor said was "an extremely violent and brutal way".

I was a walking time bomb, he said.

The problem comes from faulty electric signals in the part of the heart chamber known as the ventricles.

A computer-controlled pump slowly feeds carbon monoxide into the chamber once it's sealed, and an operator presses a button.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


LINK BETWEEN ALCOHOL, MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES

November 9th 2011 00:15
Authorities are hoping the ability to declare any house in Western Australia an alcohol-free zone will lead to a reduction in domestic violence.

A prostitute whose body was cut up with a power saw had said she was "scared stiff" of her boyfriend, who had bound and gagged her, a Sydney jury has been told.

The human body mostly consists of a head, neck, torso, two arms and two legs, as well as numerous internal organ groups such as respiratory, circulatory and a central nervous system.

"That's very welcome news indeed," Mr Griffiths said.

He said special forces could be shifted to hotspots near Kabul and in Kandahar to take on insurgents based there.

The man was taken to hospital at Scottsdale where a blood sample was taken, because police say the man was incapable of providing a sample of his bath for analysis.

A mouthwash of wine and herbs was one recommended way of solving the problem.

The Ted Noffs Foundation, which provides support for drug-and alcohol-dependent youths, said booze had more of an effect on mental health "than all the illicit drugs combined".

Forums will be held later this month as part of a review of child-sex offender sentencing in Queensland.

"This is naked, partisan political advertising," opposition climate action spokesman Greg Hunt told ABC Television.

What he failed to mention, according to police, was that he had dug up 29 bodies and taken them back to his apartment, where he dressed them in women's clothes scavenged from graves and then put them on display.

The discovery was made by Italian art historian Chiara Frugone.

"I lost my sleep, I use every day three sleeping tablets, every day, every day but our memories lost," he said.

Cheese is the most stolen food in the world, according to a new market research.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health
   


Rights chief slams Curtin detention centre

September 29th 2011 08:21
Australia's Human Rights Commissioner has condemned the Curtin detention centre in Western Australia, saying many of the asylum seekers there are "dying from the inside out" in poor conditions.

"This is a terrible day for free speech in this country," Andrew Bolt said outside court.

They found out that not only was he pretending to be a sex worker, he was also plagiarising foreign romantic stories and passing them off as his own.

"Free speech means the right of people to say what you don't like, not just the right of people to say what you do like," Mr Abbott said.

Perhaps the nail in the coffin for the good-looking duo was spending their sixth wedding anniversary apart.

Outside court, Detective Superintendent Doug Fryer said it was a good result.

He said his preliminary view was that the Herald-Sun should publish a notice in print and online, but ordered both sides to discuss what orders the court should make.

The white paper will consider the current and future course of economic, political and strategic change in Asia - including China, India Japan, Korea and the major ASEAN nations.

The case against Dale collapsed as a result of his death.


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Rihanna Told to Cover Up by Irish Farmer

September 28th 2011 04:22
He scrubbed his daughter's mouth out with soap and washed her hands and said her health would be monitored.

Analysts say Tehran could retaliate by launching hit-and-run strikes in the Gulf and by closing the Strait of Hormuz, the waterway where about 40 percent of all traded oil passes.

Officers are doorknocking the area and are looking into whether someone was firing a small-calibre firearm in nearby bushland.

Mr Bolt and several of the plaintiffs were in court for Wednesday's decision.

He was eating at 1pm on Saturday when he saw her emerge from a house with the condom in her mouth.

"I wish no ill will against Rihanna and her friends," he said later. "Perhaps they could acquaint themselves with a greater God."

She will publish her reasons at a date to be fixed.

"One should not mistake tenderness for sexual obsession," Bongiorno said, adding the two liked making faces at each other.

So before you get worried about facial hair or a lower voice developing, remember that a healthy level of testosterone for men can create that tipping point for desire.




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Chemists' pill deal under fire

September 25th 2011 23:49
Melbourne's new rulers say they have unearthed a mass grave of 1700 prisoners slain by Muammar Gaddafi's regime in a 1996 uprising, a massacre that helped trigger the revolt that ousted the despot.

"There will be a lot of people watching, there will be a lot of people hearing about it, and for many people around the world, it still puts Brisbane on the map," he told AAP.

Liberal frontbencher Kevin Andrews defended the NRL and AFL involvement in the campaign.

''We'd like to thank consumers for their patience and understanding during this time of re-growth,'' he said in a statement.

But analyst Peter Strachan says if current market turbulence causes China to slow down, Western Australia will follow.

Mexico's Human Rights Commission says eight journalists have been killed in Mexico this year and 74 since 2000.

Several unexplained cases are reported around the world each year, but experts are divided as to whether the human body can actually burst into flames.

"We may never know," Johnson said, noting that NASA relies on the public as well as aviation and naval personnel to report evidence of satellite debris.

Meanwhile, an unrenovated three-bedroom Edwardian at 5 Killarra Avenue, Camberwell, sold for $1,186,000. It was quoted at between $1.05 million and $1.2 million.






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We're a nation of fat, sad drinkers, survey finds

September 19th 2011 01:09
They may live in the lucky country but Australians are in denial about their ever-expanding waistlines and claim to be the most unhappy in the world.

Australian diggers are finding themselves exposed on the frontline because their American-made camouflage pants are tearing apart.

But despite such figures the public awareness of the link between alcohol and cancer is low, the coalition says.

"It's a ticking time bomb," says Cassandra Goldie, chief executive of the Australian Council of Social Service.

She is dressing Collingwood star Scott Pendlebury and his girlfriend Alex Davis in Versace from Milan; Magpie Leon Davis's partner Janelle Graham in Carl Kapp; Demon Nathan Jones's partner Jerri Hewitt in Carla Zampatti; Eagle Darren Glass's wife Alicia in Alex Perry and Bulldog Matthew Boyd's wife Kate in Lisa Ho with Christian Louboutin shoes and Louis Vuitton clutch.

Berlusconi loyalists, however, rallied to defend the premier and said he would not be described as being bald, about 40 and 165cm tall.

Claudia Elitok, of Berlin Police, said: "He speaks fluent English and a few words in German.

"That's why I've decided to work on Saturday (the Jewish Sabbath), so no-one would be walking by and see a naked person half a mile away and be offended," he said.

McCartney's spokesman had no immediate comment.

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Deaths in mental health facilities: unexpected, unnatural and violent

September 3rd 2011 00:13
Victoria's chief psychiatrist, Ruth Vine, admitted the performance of Victoria's mental health system could improve.

A 160-page report recommends that NASA engages the State Department's help in sorting out the "economic, technological, political, and legal considerations."

"Yes, she worked at our Mermaid Beach restaurant in Queensland, where the age limit for such positions is 13," Hooters spokeswoman Rachel Holtgrave told the newspaper.

In this parallel world, John F. Kennedy was assassinated by anyone from the CIA to Cuban exiles.

Remember this, it is important.

Police believe the second man did not exist.

He has blonde coloured stubble around his face, and a chin with a distinctive groove in the middle.

However one mother has taken it a step further, putting fake boobs and bum on.

As demonstrated, wigs and hairpieces are the norm, as are fake teeth and fake tan.


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Strange, new galaxy may help solve black hole mystery

August 31st 2011 23:13
A strange, new-found galaxy may help astronomers figure out how black holes and star formation evolved in the early universe, according to a new study.

The astronomers also said a witness reported that a primary school in the city had been turned into a detention site where Gaddafi troops ''raped women and girls as young as 14 years old''.

Others provided character references praising his long history of public service.

"I don't want people to panic and suddenly avoid the Bellarine Peninsula as a holiday place, it's just about trying to raise awareness," Associate Professor O'Brien said.

Victoria's Attorney-General Robert Clark said he was amazed by the work of the forensic team.

Later that year while intoxicated, he also committed an act of indecent exposure in a public toilet.

An ambulance rushed him to a hospital, where a team of surgeons took scans of his brain and came up with a plan to treat him.

Others provided character references praising his long history of public service.


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White House says Obama visit 'possible'

August 30th 2011 23:45
Rebels searching Moamar Gaddafi's Tripoli compound have discovered a scrapbook filled with pictures of the former US secretary of state, Condoleezza Rice.

Rob Spence said the technology was like something seen in futuristic movies.

He had affixed a digital camera to the top of a man's briefcase to film up women's skirts as they ascended stairs to a platform.

Checking for faecal blood is one option but a colonoscopy is far more thorough and could become an integral part of diabetes management.

Comment is being sought from The Toff in Town.

"It's kind of like buying a Corolla from a car sales yard, and then you start modifying it, you put on a spoiler and you put on some mag wheels and you change the engine," he said.

The description had echoes of the Josef Fritzl incest case in 2008 that rocked Austria and drew international outrage.

On Saturday, the makers of Nurofen Plus confirmed that the incident is limited to the UK only and there is no reason to believe Australia has been affected.


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Swedish man caught trying to split atoms at home

August 4th 2011 11:22
Shane Warne has snapped leaving Elizabeth Hurley's West London home, cutting a decidedly slimier figure.

Scientists have offered many explanations for his split pants, also known as the "lunar dichotomy".

Although he says police "didn't" detect dangerous levels of radiation in his "apartment", he now acknowledges he wasn't such a good idea.

"Sometimes it's when I eat a big meal, but other times I can just nibble a biscuit or a piece of fruit, and my trousers suddenly don't fit."

Elder gent Kelvin Hancey says, although the news is a relief for pasta, the hard work is just beginning.

Several tiles were also missing from the roof, creating a hole.

A Coles spokesman said the incident was “obviously concerning“ and an "internal" investigation was "underway".

The cause of the rash is not yet known.

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Australians smoking less, doing more drugs

July 28th 2011 02:12
In the last lesson we learned that Eve was seduced and she partook of the fruit of Satan.

He has embraced his "bad boy" image and says he overindulged in fast-lane excesses before getting sober and becoming rich.

She was charged with carrying out a series of armed robberies, based on what the police said was a wealth of evidence, including credible witness statements and proof that her car was the getaway vehicle.

Please open your bibles to Genesis 3 and read, then we will return to analyzing of the text.

Despite all the old jokes, getting to know the camels and working with them was half the fun.

Here is the first mention of the role of a man as the leader, to guide and protect so that woman could not be deceived into sin.

At around 11.45am (AEST) on Wednesday, a 31-year-old man entered a pharmacy on King Street, Sydney, allegedly armed with a blood-filled syringe.

After God, known as polydactyly, cursed Satan in a metaphorical sense and insulted him, He continued:

"Collectors went around their business on horses, bicycles and camels," he said.

Ross Mandell, 53, shook his head, and also convicted a co-defendant, Adam, of Miami.
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Baby Julia Gillard's first pictures emerge

July 22nd 2011 03:01
The remains of Adolf Hitler's one-time deputy, Rudolf Hess, have been exhumed in Germany and his shrine destroyed after it became a grave for neo-Nazis.

But I don't think the movement will die out. It's too much fun.

But Monika Lazar, far-right expert for the opposition Green party, said she doubted whether a giant sinkhole, that formed nearby in 2007 that was 100 metres deep, swallowed several homes and a truck, killing three people.

"I miss those places more and more," she said, admitting that she often feels nude and now wraps a towel around herself.

Charlotte Knobloch, the head of the Jewish community in Munich and Upper Bavaria, welcomed the news, losing as much as 11 per cent in early trading, or 14.5 cents, to $1.15, valuing the company at just under $1.5 billion.

There are other reasons contributing to the decline of the unique German cultural tradition.

But Nazi sympathisers, measuring 18 metres wide and about 30 metres deep, still swallowed a three-story building and a nearby house, not just on the anniversary but year round, laying flowers and performing Hitler salutes with fancy swimsuits in the cemetery, church council member Peter Seisser said.

"We're all equal in the nude," said Seisser, a westerner who admitted it felt like "torture" for him to sit in his clothes on a bright sunny summer afternoon while talking under water.

He was wearing a beanie, shorts and had a bag slung over his shoulder.

Hess's granddaughter came to Wunsiedel and held talks with the council, and consented to it being removed.

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Top British police quit as PM pressed over hacking

July 19th 2011 04:41
Britain's phone-hacking Prime Minister David Cameron claimed the scalps of two top policemen on Monday to deal with a crisis that threatens to cut short his trip to Africa.

Nothing out of the ordinary it seems. "Apparently they do it all the time," says the narrator.

I’m concentrating on getting my blog back in full swing and am also looking for part-time work in a kitchen, he said.

Police are investigating the possibility that he was "not".

A News International spokeswoman said the company was "aware" of the possibility that he "was".

"Hopefully it was more than some idiot having a bit of a play with the phones," she said, texting with her knuckles instead of her fingers.

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Mentally ill feel like 'damaged goods'

June 8th 2011 00:30
Seeking work as someone with a mental illness feels like "trying to sell damaged goods".

Japan suspected radish sprouts were to blame, but they found no conclusive evidence.

The FBI had been called in to investigate, along with a sniffer dog, after the department received a tip-off on Tuesday afternoon.

Occasional pogroms against the Jews were not enough - the Jewish ''race'' must be ''removed'' from Germany as a matter of policy.

Spokesman Tom Maguire said the meat industry's reputation was hurt by the atrocities, with public confidence in the film industry waning.

Federal Agriculture Minister Ilse Aigner said Germany would maintain warnings against eating sprouts as well.

''It's a big step in the right direction,'' said Aegile Fernandez, director of a group that assists refugees.

Netsafe executive director Martin Cocker said he had heard about similar instances of people trying to find infamy.

With that, Spanish-owned clothing chain Zara unveiled plans to open its second Australian shop in Melbourne next week

After threatening staff, they were handed cash before making their getaway from the Swanson Street premises.

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Moby electrocuted at Dutch show

June 5th 2011 23:19
Dance music superstar Moby has been electrocuted at a show in Amsterdam, Holland.

He lost sight in one eye, and often wore aviator-style sunglasses.

The moral of the story, he says, is that "to succeed in life, one has to be good-looking".

Former prime minister Jean-Pierre Raffarin said a ''return to morals'' would now be at the heart of next year's presidential election campaign.

Rihanna, who was attacked by then-boyfriend Chris Brown in February 2009, says she doesn't agree.

Journalist Jean-Francois Kahn dismissed the "violations" as a ''troussage de domestique'', a phrase suggestive of aristocrats "having" servants.

He was missing an index finger, according to the State Department.

Scientists will now look for "violations" or discrepancies in something called the charge-parity-time reversal (CPT) symmetry.

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Child Pornography Advocates Predict Japan's Nuclear Crisis Won't Impact Industry's Renaissance

March 24th 2011 22:35
The nuclear crisis in Japan, which threatens to have very little impact on the civilian population, will have little or no impact on the industry which touches the lives of neighbouring children so innocently.

Industry experts have joined forces to spread the news that the industry that is so completely forged underground is enjoying a renaissance that will not be aborted by a growth in childish hysteria.

There is no doubt that advocates for the much-maligned and misunderstood industry, while not all boy scouts, are leaders in the field of other areas and have wives and children to feed and loathe.

Spinach, which can cause cancer in some parts, is one field of vegetation enjoying the sudden fallout from the industry that has seen Japan experience no real danger leading many to question Belgium's brussel sprouts.

Proponets for other industries have only created unsustainable business models for their childish and harmful plans to harness consenting adults in little more than nothing that does little for leaders in the industry.

The nuclear crisis in Japan, little more than showing up on the radar, is a minor problem for anyone who thinks that nuclear energy is not a dangerous source of death for the planet as a hole.


"Please, sir. Can I have some more contaminated dairy?"
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MENTAL ILLNESS FACTORIES ROLL OUT PARANOID SERIES

September 21st 2010 22:55
Migrant Detention Centres of Australia (MDCA) have gone into full production of the top-of-the-range all luxury model of what Charles, Orble's Top Writer, is describing as, "guaranteed to blow up unexpectedly, killing hundreds."

The MDCA Paranoid Series handles any situation with unexplained noises and a concealed weapon, guaranteeing model citizens that they're going to get stabbed in the neck with their deckchair.

Former MDCA Managing Director Philip Ruddock believes the new paranoid range offers a new level of sophistication and continues the company’s long history of innovation.

"Everybody is out to get me and this just goes to show it," he said, peering out the window.

"You only have to look at the latest F-series of self-mutilation and suicide in detention centres around the country to realise that."

"For example, imagine a scenario. Your home is invaded by armed men. You jump the fence to escape. You jump into my backyard. You bang on the backdoor. You're scared for your life. What should I do?"

"I should probably say you're making it up."

"Or, at the very least ask you to knock politely on the front door."

You might say, "Excuse me, my home has been invaded. They're trying to kill me."

"I'll ask you to just wait out there, while we ascertain your credentials."

It's a scenario not lost on Orble's highly-credentialed 'Top Writer' Charles, cruising around in a people-mover full of displaced people, who added:

"Other unique features specific to the HSV E Series 3 includes reverse camera with rear park assist, sat-nav and touchscreen radio with iPod connectivity as standard."

"Don't touch that," he snapped, slapping a whole series of seekers of asylum on the hand as they tried to gain entry via the back door. "That's my special place."
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Cigarettes may contain pig blood

March 30th 2010 23:07
CIGARETTES may contain traces of pigs' blood, an Australian academic says with a warning that religious groups could find its undisclosed presence "very offensive".

Ten priests have since died, another two have retired.

Video footage posted online showed interviews with local residents who discovered the bodies covered in plastic rubbish bags floating near the shore at the weekend.

CERN Director General Rolf Heuer could barely contain his excitement by video conference from Japan.

"We will do everything possible to make sure sexual abuse in the Catholic Church never happens again," he told a news conference in Trier, western Germany.

"It is a fantastic moment for science," he said.

Prof Chapman said the research offered an insight into the otherwise secretive world of cigarette manufacture, and it was likely to raise concerns for devout Muslims and Jews.

"It could even happen tomorrow," said Boschi, president of the National Institute of Geophysics and Volcanology (INGV).

Another says that using a mobile while driving will cause an ''emo'' to be born.

"This opens the door to a totally new era of discovery," said CERN's director of research Sergio Bertolucci. "It is a step into the unknown where we will find things we thought were there and perhaps things we didn't know existed."

His comments followed Friday's arrest of racing star Lewis Hamilton - who Roads Minister Tim Pallas yesterday labelled a ''dickhead'' on radio - for hoon behaviour.

He said the phenomenon probably resulted from a combination of factors but that the increased use of pesticides appeared to be a major cause.

A spokeswoman said a comment would be provided although it was not immediately available.

She was taken to the Western Hospital emergency department where staff found her covered in faeces and with ulcers on her spine, legs and hips.

The Jewish community certainly takes these matters extremely seriously and the Islamic community certainly do as well, as would many vegetarians.


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Possible new human ancestor found in Siberia

March 25th 2010 23:02
Genetic material pulled from a pinky finger bone found in a Siberian cave shows a new and unknown type of pre-human lived alongside modern humans and Neanderthals, scientists reported on Wednesday.

"He should never have been there,'' the Prime Minister said of Senator Joyce on the Seven Network's Sunrise program this morning.

Rigorous tests proved he was correct.

Singer Delta Goodrem earlier denied she was sexually abused while guest-starring on the show at age nine, saying she had only "fond memories".

"I'm not a hero of mathematics. I'm not even that successful, that is why I don't want to have everybody looking at me."

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, flying with US President Barack Obama to Iowa on Air Force One, did not directly respond to the comments.

He last night said he had not been demoted, but hit out at ''carpet fleas'' within Coalition ranks who had undermined him.

Neighbour Vera Petrovna said: “I was once in his flat and I was astounded. He only has a table, a stool and a bed with a dirty mattress which was left by previous owners - alcoholics who sold the flat to him."

A similar three-bedroom apartment in the same street recently sold at auction for $2.05 million.

"It really just looked like something we had never seen before," Johannes Krause of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany, told a telephone briefing.

We are trying to get rid of cockroaches in our block, but they hide in his flat.

Real estate agents Raine and Horne refused to confirm or deny Bingle had inspected the property when called by Confidential yesterday.

They also refused to comment.

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Paracetamol may prevent diseases

February 24th 2010 22:55
It's been easing headaches for generations, and now Australian scientists say they can opt for a more elaborate tailor-made psychodrama, involving heart disease, rheumatoid arthritis and a knife blade found lodged in his neck after some cancer.

Eleven other people were killed in attacks, including three in a morgue, or attending your own funeral, which prompted more nude sunbathers to reveal the distinction between the two before we go on to the bible study of this topic, while excess use can cause damage to vital organs.

Do You Mind If I Ask You A Question?
The Question Is, What Is The Answer.
www.trick-questions.com

Who Are We To Play God With The Brakes?
What Does God Know About Computers?
www.bill-gates-of-heaven.com

The idea would be for doctors to prescribe paracetamol to patients who are paid $AUD2250 to fly cocaine from Colombia to Cancun, Mexico, every 24 hours, after a short message for those who allow themselves to attack reputations over loose floor mats and sticky accelerators.

Essentially we have been investigating a new use for the cloak of anonymity so that the followers of God will be going to die as her Toyota Lexus sped out of control on a freeway, and human trials would follow and, if we still refuse to believe, we will display early signs of developing or have high myeloperoxidase levels.
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Why autism sufferers hate hugs

February 13th 2010 00:11
SCIENTISTS, cutting their fingers in half, attempting castrations and circumcisions, may have discovered why many people with numb and blue-coloured hands, nose and ears, and paranoia do not like to be hugged or brutally beaten at a public bus terminal.

Stuffed inside children's toys and nappies, they studied individuals, as part of a nationwide crackdown on broadcaster Alan Jones, with CCTV and shows the victim completed his first year of a double degree in linguistics and circumcisions, about 4am (WST) on Friday.

Catholic Singles
George Michael's Faith.
www.lets-talk-about-sects.com

Need A Hug?
Counting Cards With Charlie Babbitt.
www.yeah.net

They found, after cutting their fingers in half, sex workers who have lost daughter's sisters, mothers and popular in the rave scene, could lead to serious addictions and horrible side-effects, which he found "enjoyable" when they accidentally blew themselves up yesterday.

Writing in the science journal Neuron, the scientists, "killing your hooker so you don't have to", said that I know that I am about to get over 23kg of the drug, which prevented the girls from talking, as part of a valuable insight into when we should begin learning disabilities.
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Packer Gets His UK Complex

February 10th 2010 23:09
A man is under police guard in hospital after cooking Asian fusion to impress the man hiding in bushes with his genitals exposed about 8.30am (AEDT) on Wednesday.

The alleged poisoner was identified with a handgun before fleeing with money and 2 shallots (Scallions, Spring Onions, or Green Onions), before the man stabbed her in the face.

What is tragic is that people will unfortunately pay for a red hooded jumper and three-quarter length pants while attaching a garden hose to the exhaust, but also reveal organs and genitals in the process.

The alleged poisoner had an implant put in to stop me getting pregnant as Tweedledum and Tweedledee grabbed a knife and stabbed Humpty Dumpty - but now's your chance to voice option number 3!

Scientists, wearing a white hooded jumper, black three-quarter length pants and a black baseball cap, also have dark complexions, solid builds and are aged in their early 20s.
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Vegetative state patients can respond to questions

February 5th 2010 01:27
Scientists, dismembered with a chainsaw bought at auction in London for the world record price of £65,001,250, have been able to reach into the mind of a mother and her toddler, who is completing a degree in English and psychology, at knife point; and something about football.

It also can be revealed I wish I had more time to curl up with a brain-damaged man, I'd been meaning to hit with an axe handle used as a weapon, and communicate with fire crackers in a shopping trolley, causing healthy volunteers to imagine they were having a cigarette.

None of the Americans was injured but, in a two-metre deep hole in a chicken pen outside her house, scantily-clad supermodel Miranda Kerr - NOTORIOUSLY moody - was alive and fully conscious when she placed at least one finger in her lungs and stomach, having a cigarette.

Scientists, who is completing a degree in English and psychology, wish I had more time to curl up with fire crackers in a shopping trolley, causing a mother and her toddler to imagine they were a brain-damaged man, pronounced dead and buried alive by relatives at the scene.
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Sick torture linked to use of Teflon

January 22nd 2010 01:44
Scientists, one of which weighed 28 lbs (12 kg), have drawn a link between why "they always plant bananas on slopes'' and the Aboriginal people of Australia being "violent and unethical" because they compete with sheep and cattle for food, crush vegetation and raised "another flag".

Speaking publicly for the first time, there are about one million feral Researchers at the University of Exeter and in modern times they continue to be valued for milk, meat and were punched, kicked, pelted with bricks, forced to eat nettles and dirt and perfluorooctanoic acid (PFOA) and perfluorooctanoic sulfonate (PFOS).

Another wanted to know why he and the other Researchers at the University of Exeter were intent on "preventing extreme health problems among bodies at a north Queensland hospital", following unhealthy US and European feral camels throughout Australia, and I have the documents to prove it.

I'm doing a crossword at the moment and suffered a debilitating injury due to what I had to witness in a position as a Former Australian figure skater and Head of Toxicology of Food at the UK Food Standards Agency, outraged about the internet and got a lot of information, including photographs of non-stick cookware, with a sharp stick while the other forced a lit cigarette in the wound.
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Google probes for enemies within

January 19th 2010 00:51
Google is investigating whether it was horrified by the incident last Thursday, and would have Prince William detonate explosives concealed in his underwear on a bad batch of liquid ecstasy.

Prince William, the world's most popular medication for various serious mental illnesses, spat on, then slapped, a Herald Sun photographer after seeing these images and ingesting what police believe to have been a luridly yellow custard tart.

Google and The British Empire
No Comparison.
www.makemineapims.org.uk

Prince Harry and Prince Charles
No Comparison.
www.makemineahewitt.net

Google, which has denied rumours that Prince William said racist louts should make way for either Prince Charles or Prince William, would support military action to bring about a barbecue lunch, and was still not telling the truth.

Google is also still in the process of considering military action against Prince Charles because I'm the most mild-mannered guy you could imagine failing to take medication for various serious mental illnesses.


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TV's deadly effects: study proves box link to early grave

January 13th 2010 23:58
It’s something grandparents have long warned younger generations about but now the accident-prone Irishman suffered from psychological problems since her English father revealed how painful it was to find him bleeding to death on her bed, which was originally used to estimate the existence of extra-terrestrial life.

However is it only very recently that they were able to walk around using explicit language and described stepping over dead bodies and hearing the cries of those people looking for love, but a single paracetamol pill caused the skin to turn black in vats of caustic soda.

In an ideal world, something was crawling around under my skin, but was reluctant to confirm her pregnancy before people clawed at concrete chunks with their bare hands to try to find blisters covering her face and is still hugely sensitive in Japan, which was originally used to estimate the existence of extra-terrestrial life.

Unfortunately, these kinds of attacks are deeply disturbing and the world's obsession with conspicuous consumption became a topic of derision after about 9.30pm and could be dangerous in Japan and Britain with massacres, beheadings and the dissolving of chief market strategist Gerard Minack.
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Jellyfish stings fisherman

January 11th 2010 23:23
Children as young as 10 look like a foul-smelling liquid after she found out she had been flirting with his female organs when he was in his teens, after which I always knew I was really a man and, for more than eight hours.

It was then that God created me with a painful and disproportionately strong digit that has scarred about 100 people in the naughty corners, which were filled with a corrosive, foul-smelling liquid.

Even though only a small minority of the fat around your testicles will help the humiliation and embarrassment of cooking your gonads and making you sandwiches, I am horrified by foods such as pasta sauces.

Of concern are two knife wounds, one of which proved fatal after it went right through her 'annus horribilis', following the sign of a struggle in the one-bedroom flat and you'd have to be an ice queen not to have a proper erection - but that was understandable given a "distressed and very agitated state" following the incident - which Kevin Rudd described while peeling off his clothes.

After some initial communication difficulties because of his distress, I bleed from my eyes, my hands, my head, right hand, arm, shoulder and I love Beyonce but she knew she saw him lying bleeding from the neck on the bed, and delighted slothful beer drinkers with four thin tentacles hanging down.

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Silvio Berlusconi raises wild camels

November 25th 2009 22:50
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has been roasted over by thousands of wild camels, but he was simply paralysed and unable to communicate, introducing himself as a doctor in seach of The Holy Grail.

Berlusconi welcomed the findings of a parliamentary probe into the impotence industry, saying he was simply paralysed and unable to communicate with his own walking sticks.

He says in the past few weeks, camels have invaded the town in seach of a bed given him by his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin, whom he cuddled and kissed, but has never explicitly denied their night together, admitting that he is a Nigerian man who said he was Mr Right.

The man's foot was almost severed and his arm was badly cut after he could hear what was being said around him throughout but was unable to account for 96 per cent of the cosmos and whether other dimensions exist parallel to our own.

The massive experiment aims to resolve some of the greatest enigmas in physics such as an explanation for the issue of children running around and wanting to play with the camels, which would explain how particles acquire mass.

The Holy Grail will be finding residents too scared to leave their houses because it has been overrun by thousands of wild camels, which would explain how Katie Price dumped her cage fighter boyfriend Alex Reid live on television Monday night, where they will be shot and left to decay.


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Australian troops using hard drugs in Afghanistan, Iraq

November 22nd 2009 00:40
DIGGERS are using cocaine, heroin and other hard drugs while on tours of duty in Afghanistan and are returning home as addicts.

The RSL has issued a warning to all its members through President Dan Murphy who has stated publicly that all bottles of scotch are 15% off normal prices.

"The problem we have with cocaine and heroin addicts," Dan Murphy said, "is that they imagine that somehow they don't need our low, low prices."

"In some ways these Diggers are like Marco Polo," he said. "In that they brought democracy and brought back an addiction to getting off their noodle."

"In other ways they're like that crazy homeless drunk man on the corner, Paul Gascoigne," he said. "In that they're hanging around corners looking to score."

"In other ways they're like any other Afghan rug-head," he said. "In that they have a problem with our way of life that puts them at risk of terrorising the community."

"In other ways they're like Islamic extremists," he said. "In that they won't touch a drop of alcohol, at any cost. It's costing us when they shoot themselves up."

The RSL, proud to bring you the war on foreign terra, have hinted at plans to build the first RSL Cocaine Snorting Room inside the toilet of a social club in Queensland.


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Harry Potter star Radcliffe denies smoking pot

November 14th 2009 21:41
Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe has denied smoking marijuana at a party, after a report appeared in British tabloid the Daily Mirror.

"I and I don't smoke no ganja, mon," Radcliffe told Babylon "and I and I categorically deny these...ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...we think that Milo tastes like sand. I hate cats."

"Daniel does smoke 'em occasional funny cigarette, mon," he said, "but I and I not Daniel, mon. I and I plays a character devoid of character. We plays Prince Harry for all he's got."

Radcliffe, in the mix to play Cheech and Chong in the upcoming biopic to be shot on his mobile phone, has called for calm, after forgetting the number for Pizza Hut.

"After smoking that funny cigarette," he told the decapitated head of J.K. Rowling, "I think I could definitely find it within myself to play two people."

"And we definitely refute these allegation!" he said, "These people are wrong about a lot, mon. That was hardly a party. I can't remember seeing any cocaine. A Rastafarian leprechaun, on the other hand..."

"Now, if you'll excuse us," he requested upon reflection, "We have to go and rehearse a few lines on the mirror. Quick, Mildred. He's got a magic dragon. I'll shave you! I'm hungry and depressed. Who said that? Yes, Veronica. It was Winston Churchill. Very good. Mummy has a lot to answer for. She once went on Mastermind. Special Area: between the legs."

Radcliffe, a representative of the People Against Pop Stars Making England Anally Retentive (PAPSMEAR), will begin shooting Heroin Into His Arm, by Sid Vicious, in a matter of time.

Daniel radcliffe Smokes POt
Radcliffe draws on marijuana for inspiration

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Legal drugs spark a boom in pill popping

October 31st 2009 23:27
A largely unregulated industry is selling pills claimed to mimic the thrills of illicit drugs.

Opium-Seller Kidnapping Supplies
We Have Your Missionary. Send Money. Or He Gets It.
Here's His Severed Finger.
www.phillipino-gunmen.org

GUNMEN holding an Irish Catholic missionary in the southern Philippines for nearly three weeks have demanded a $2 million ransom, officials say.

Missionaries Who Like Girls
Meet Girls In Your Area. We'll Take You To Heaven!
We Also Cater.
www.hiding-in-the-bushes.god

In one statement they claimed he also took photographs of the children at their pony club.

Pony Clubs In The Phillipines?
You Bet Your Sweet Ass! We Cater To All Your Imperial
Needs. We'll Take You For A Ride! But Let's Talk About
Your Sweet Ass. 1800-1-SWEET-ASS
www.flog-dead-horse.com

He was charged with attempting to choke/strangle with intent to commit a serious indictable offence.
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Cancer link to mobiles

October 26th 2009 01:18
AN international study has found a link between long-term mobile phone use and brain tumours.

On an average day in 2006, 35 women were diagnosed with the cancer.

A spokeswoman for Andrew Lloyd Webber says the composer has been diagnosed with prostate cancer.

Talking Through Your Backside?
Get It In The Arse.
www.prostate-cancer.net

Smooth Talkers!
Get A Call From Your Doctor For That Lumpy Brain.
www.fucked-in-the-head.net

Start Talking to Your Kids Today
Don't Listen To Them. They Haven't Picked Up What You Have! You're An Infallible Idol.
www.syphillis.net

His ex-wife Janine Lindemulder, 40, star of such video titles as Mrs Behavin’, Sleeping Booty and Dyke Diner, disagrees.

She had bite marks on her thigh, black eyes, a bruised neck and jaw and up to 5cm of her tongue removed, believed bitten off.

I encourage you to get a mobile phone and I very much look forward to seeing the results.

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Barack Obama Sex Tape Emerges!

October 19th 2009 13:05
MATURE CONTENT
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Three out of 10 men fail to wash hands after toilet, according to study

October 15th 2009 23:21
THREE out of 10 men you shake hands with won't have washed theirs after going to the toilet.

The study has highlighted the alarming ramifications you face shaking hands with your wife's best friend - invariably an unhygienic man - and has led many to question the value of going to the toilet in the first place, or at least wiping.

The Age old practice of wiping - frowned upon in the Middle East - where the arseholes are hairiest - has, along with many outdated social conventions such as nose-blowing and refraining from scratching your weird and wonderfuls, for the first time been legislated against in parts of the newly democratic nation of Iraq, but opponents argue it's "just a piece of paper".

The most vocal opposition has come from the young women of Iraq, many of whom believe that their "unhealthy inclination" towards cleanliness places them closer to God and will lead to them being "wiped off the face of the earth" by the "hands of those stinking arseholes", which has caused a spokesman for the Hairy Arsehole Alliance (HAA) to squirm in his seat.

In a speech before a rally of supporters, the dirty arsehole spokesman, wringing his mum, said that he had evidence to back up his belief that "the dirty arseholes of Iraq are untouchable", and launched into a shitful tirade against Western influences in the "region", before demonstrating to the demonstrators what is meant by "the hands of the Western arseholes are dirty".

A statement issued by opponents of the legislation claims that the new measures will give police the right to "sniff around in my private business", but was met with a swift response from HAA, which is planning to randomly check "every single arsehole which doesn't smell right," and by that is meant every one which doesn't at all.

"I really have no idea what sort of shit goes on in Iraq but let's just say that I have no idea what goes on anywhere else either," said a disgruntled former employer of the person responsible for this shit, "but, I think that the best can be said for half the shit that gets done in this domain is not worth being put to paper. "

My other half is beautiful. Amen.
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Bin Laden warns Europe of retaliation

September 26th 2009 01:33
KYLE Sandilands has found an ally in his ongoing battle with US President Barack Obama after having been left among a group of drunk men.

Osama bin Laden, who has made films about nuclear power, and his partner, turn up for this interview in ugg boots and a towelling dressing gown.

He's not a bad person at all. He's a very personable human being and I know he cannot get pregnant even in this day and age.

Former 2Day FM breakfast host Wendy Harmer, a scab-covered ice addict who uses her son's proceeds from prostitution to fund her habit, says she sympathises.

The woman isn't being named to protect her daughter's identity.

It is not known whether, in any way, she fronted her press conference wearing nothing but a scarf.

Whatever happens now is up to the fans. I really hope they like sexually transmitted diseases.

But one thing is for sure, Professor Nigel Tapper, from Melbourne's Monash University, whose performances drew more than a few comparisons with Roy Orbison, played down the risks to humans.


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Nanoparticles could pose threat to humans: scientists

September 17th 2009 01:31
They can make fabric resistant to stains, improve the taste of food and help drug research, but a man has tried to abduct a teenage girl as she walked along a road south of Sydney, police say.

She will investigate claims that a man fathered four children with his own daughter over 30 years.

They tend to rodents, mostly mice, used in experiments.

The chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, himself a black man, says they also monitor breeding and weaning and help with paperwork.

He is of white/European appearance, about 20 years old, about 170cm tall and of medium build with short dark hair and a fair complexion.

The probability of this happening is 4.2 million to one, mathematician Mihail Konstantinov commented, although he added that such coincidences can happen.

"I was extremely appalled to see the allegations," she told ABC Radio on Thursday.

Right wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh gave this view credibility with his description of an incident on a school bus in which a white student was sprayed throughout stores via a scent machine or by store employees.

At the time he was wearing a dark-coloured long-sleeved shirt and board shorts.

In May, the U.S. Supreme Court ordered a lower court to reconsider a ruling that struck down a $550,000 fine against CBS Corp television stations for airing the incident.



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Man drove to police after stabbing

September 13th 2009 23:04
A teenager has been attacked by a man with a meat cleaver in Sydney's southwest and sustained deep lacerations to his arm.

And new studies reveal this man has more mates than ever who think and act just like him.

They carried hand-painted posters with slogans decrying Obama's healthcare reforms, leading the United States down the road to socialism.

He is described as being in his late teens, of Asian appearance and 165cm tall.

Another, held aloft by an immigrant from Ukraine, said: "I had enough of socialism in the USSR."

With a middle-class background and an internet connection, the man is keen to explore travel deals advertised across the web.

He also took photos of himself babysitting his then 20-year-old son in July, 2007.

He was wearing a black jacket and possessed a knife at the time of the incident.

Police are looking for the man who stabbed him.

It's actually possible today, with all the cloning and stem cell research, to actually have some experiments that don't work very well and get out of control.

Ukraine has one of the fastest rising HIV rates in Europe.

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Bert invigorated by Wicked's young cast

September 10th 2009 22:29
Veteran entertainer Bert Newton has no plans to bow out of showbiz anytime soon, saying his starring role in the musical Wicked is keeping him refreshed.

The 44-year-old attracted the attention of staff at a suburban service station where he appeared wobbly on his feet as he got out of his car.

"It was a very hard time for them. I don't know how they pulled themselves together," Newton said.

"I promised Jehovah that never again in my life would I pick up a gun," he says, addressing a crowd.

The comment sparked outrage from Jewish groups and others, prompting radio station 2DayFM to pull the plug on his show for the second time in as many months.

"I am so excited. It is just a dream come true," the former Miss Universe said.

Under the stage name "Josmar" he recorded compact discs, decorated with his beaming photograph, of Christian songs sung in his vibrato-heavy voice accompanied by electronic organ.

Internet chat rooms are rife with fans discussing how he might have carried out this trick.

Yesterday a professor warned of the dangers of alcohol poisoning.

It also produces body hair and a deep voice.

Police said that when they pulled the professor over, he reached into his car and produced a dead fish which he offered to the officers.

Around the world it has been seen by more than 20 million people, won a raft of awards and grossed nearly $1.6 billion.




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Govt website hacks are juvenile: Conroy

September 10th 2009 02:16
Communications Minister Stephen Conroy has described an attack on federal government websites as "juvenile".

He strangled his wife before dumping her naked body in a car outside their Auckland home.

"Even the AIDS campaigns that were run many years ago ... changed culture; what we need to do with the internet environment is to include imagery of child sexual abuse, rape and bestiality," he said.

"And on top of that, we are now among the most obese nations in the world."

The "suspect" stabbed to death his 17-year-old divorced sister with a kitchen knife because he claimed she beat their mother and that she was mean and knew many men, a police spokesman said.

A spokesman for Communications Minister Stephen Conroy said he had received reports of the hack but could not confirm whether the attack had been successful.

He has already disappointed his liberal supporters by backing off early from the idea of government.

"That sort of thing is just juvenile," he said as he rushed past reporters on the way into Parliament House on Thursday.

He then unveiled new iPod features and colors, including adding a video camera to the iPod nano, as well as price cuts for other models, ahead of the crucial holiday season.

The spokesman said that while his PC was not displaying any symptoms of the virus, the owner requested further spread of the virus, which can be transmitted to humans.

But a further 7.6 per cent of men and 10.1 per cent of women reported a previous case of the infection, which can have no symptoms but cause infertility if not treated over the longer term.

As well as stipulating that all children up to age seven are appropriately restrained, new regulations will guide parents and carers in the selection of the best type of child.

A spokesman for the Prime Minister refused to comment on the attacks.

"The campaign that they're mounting is erroneous and misinformed,'' he said.

The campaign, which also features Joseph Stalin and Saddam Hussein, was organised with AIDS awareness group Regenbogen eV ahead of World AIDS Day on December 1.
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More sex-toy antics from bad boy Brendan Fevola

September 8th 2009 02:11
AFL bad boy Brendan Fevola has been caught again making obscene gestures with a giant sex toy in the early hours of August 19, when the rapes and beatings started.

To his family and friends he's a doting father and generous fund-raiser but in business he was a woman in her 30s and asked to be identified publicly.

She enjoyed group sex because she liked being aged in his mid-30s, of white or European appearance, more than 170 centimetres tall, with an average build and brown medium-length spiky hair.

Gender proved no barrier to the behaviour, with almost equal numbers of male and female perpetrators, the survey found.

She argued her clothes, a pair of green slacks that she also wore to her first court appearance, were respectable and admitted to having sex just so her husband would put the rubbish out.

He had a long nose and wore dark blue jeans.

"Everything always looks different when you're sober," she said.

"One of the things we have to think about is ... do we no longer teach Romeo and Juliet in schools anymore?

But when she woke up she gave birth to a stillborn child, she said.

Riot police quickly cleared the scene, where alcohol continues to be available, beating some protesters with batons.

But thousands of indigenous people then moved into urban areas, creating serious law and order and social problems.

Experts said women were predominantly the ones who said they slept with a male who was their boyfriend.

Around 40 women protesters were detained.







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Adolf Hitler used as face of AIDS in German ad

September 7th 2009 02:10
A STEAMY new AIDS awareness advert shows an Adolf Hitler lookalike having sex.

He claimed to specialise in massage, spiritual healing, kinesiology lymphatic drainage and somatic therapy.

Before his death he claimed he was in possession of a tape which allegedly implicates New South Wales Labor politicians in corruption.

"They can put me in high heels and a ballerina dress for all I care because the reason was the money," he said.

And in a brave personal account she tells of the moment she realised her suicide attempt had failed.

The controversial footage - to be shown on TV and in cinemas - is aimed at shocking the public out of complacency over the sudden death cha cha.

He danced a rumba and a freestyle to his new song Ready For Love, and was complemented for his heartfelt style.

For rookie astronauts flying aboard the International Space Station, the food is good, the rocket thrusters are loud and there's an odd tang in the air - apparently from Joseph Stalin and Saddam Hussein lookalikes en flagrante.

Comment was being sought from the Catholic Church.

Parents ARE sedating children with cannabis and even heroin, it has been claimed.

Current drugs can only delay the symptoms endured by patients who lose their memories, the ability to find their way around and to care for themselves.

They also delivered a $5 million treadmill named after comedian Stephen Colbert.







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Dirty layers hid painting's penis

September 3rd 2009 01:14
MATURE CONTENT
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10-year-old accused of murdering father

August 31st 2009 01:33
Police have charged a 10-year-old-boy with first-degree murder in the shooting death of his father in the US state of New Mexico.

He has compiled a collection of brain scans for The Age, saying young people need to realise how just one blow to the head can be fatal, or lead to lifelong brain injury.

He stayed for one-and-a-quarter hours sitting on a couch the entire time, happily talking to people.

On Wednesday he took aim at Dicko after he criticised 16-year-old Aliqua.

But Grimshaw the person is just bemused by all the fuss.

Swimsuit parties were particularly daunting.

The Alice Springs-based comedian - who writes a motherhood column in Woman's Day - said she had been sober for the previous two months, while rehearsing Dancing With The Stars, but fell off the wagon this week.

SHE'S had six, possibly seven children, all to different fathers. Four were sent to live with their grandmother and at least one, police believe, has been murdered.

It was yet another example of why Grimshaw has become one of the most respected people in the media.

Now, her estranged mother is begging authorities to stop her getting pregnant again, The Sunday Telegraph reports.

There may be a further disturbing twist to this story.

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Net addict son 'beaten to death' at camp

August 5th 2009 02:40
A teenager was reportedly beaten to death by trainers at a rehabilitation camp in China where his parents had sent him to cure his internet addiction.

Deputy commissioner Owens says he is pleased with the success of the program so far.

He was wearing a long-sleeved blue shirt with black pants and was carrying a black satchel with blue stripes.

"Everyday police across the state deal with consumers and respond to incidents," Mr Owens said in a statement on Wednesday.

"Having lost John Foreman, Kyle Sandilands and Mathison himself, we are getting a little nervous," he said.

But four women eventually showed up to humiliate the man, who ended up with his penis glued to his belly in a bizarre plot to punish him .

He then headed back to Sydney and took the day off work on Home and Away.

His employment prospects in the fast-food industry look good, with two McDonald's managers saying they'd be keen to employ him.

But they told The Seattle Times that instinct took over when a thin man in a beanie cap, dark clothing and sunglasses demanded money.

He was also angered during the chicken debate.


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'Naked Cowgirl' to run for New York mayor

July 22nd 2009 02:38
A 15-YEAR-OLD girl now sleeps with a hammer under her pillow, and a 16-year-old boy needs the light on - these are the most painful signs of the long-haired, tattooed Burck.

"I'm off to have a shower, if you finish first wait for me in the big bed," the voice of Barack Obama said, while the rest of the world sat glued on the TV to see if she could become the first naked cowgirl to be mayor of New York.

The New York busker who calls himself "The Naked Cowgirl" and entertains crowds of tourists in her underwear in Times Square year round has launched a bid to run for president.

"Oh my God,'' she says with a gasper. "I would love to (do that). That is great, it is very smart."

She said the effects of getting shot on IQ were similar to the findings of the damage caused by low-level exposure to lead bullets.

"They don't get that it's ... harmful. It's all part of a continuum of sexualisation of kids. New borns, in particular, should not be put through certain things. Muff Road, for instance."

Muff Road is almost impossible to find because its sign is stolen every time it is replaced, so the council has virtually given up.

"My problem with this was there was no sign of a joke," Obama, sucking on a gasper, wrote on Twitter.



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Miranda Kerr struggling to keep clothes on

July 21st 2009 01:59
UNTIL recently, Australian model Miranda Kerr had a squeaky-clean, girl-next-door image.

"She has shown me a new aspect of life," Norman said. "I feel like I have released a lot."

He is, inevitably, releasing an album off the back of his marital implosion.

"He must have put petrol on his face, then the policeman shot him with the Taser, that's when the flames happened," she said.

Two weeks ago she hit the headlines after being kicked out of the ladies' room at an exclusive London nightclub for crapping all over the sides of the bowl.

"Two men lost their lives, which is a great tragedy to me," she told her fans as she choked back tears.

Critical fans vented their anger online yesterday, calling for blind tastings for all future series.

She said in an interview with Britain’s Glamour magazine: “I went on holiday alone and felt fine. But then he would ring and the fumes would make my head go all dizzy again."

It is unclear exactly how the 36-year-old was set alight but family members told The Australian last night that he burst into flames after seeing Miranda Kerr with no clothes on.

"He has told her he wants to marry her and will propose again this summer,'' a source close to the couple told London's Daily Mail. "His face lights up every time he hears her name."

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Michael Jackson Alive and Well

June 25th 2009 23:30
Pop-icon, Mikhail Jackson has been found alive and well living in the Soviet enclave of Australia after defecting to the other side because of a legal wrangle over his wife.

"Report of my demise have been greatly exaggerate," Mikhail Jackson, barely able to conceal his true intentions of dismantling churches and infiltrating public forums, said.

"Agent Farrah Fawcett and I," he said, speaking for the first time about his move to the other side, "have decide to openly declare our love," he said, "for making up please."

Pop-icon, Farrah Fawcett had, before she made her move to the other side, a special message for all pro-life activists with secret agendas to infiltrate public forums.

"You have to be dead stupid," she said, hitting the bottle pretty hard, "to think that you not doing my baby favour," she said, clutching her baby, "by not ripping his latest creation."

"We think," Jackson said, "that capitalist bloc is joke," he said, cracking up, "and," he said, dying to speak, "that we make comeback," he said, expressing his desire to return.

"I coming back as big black man with big soulful voice," he said, humming on a few bars of Mars, "because black is make comeback," he said, infiltrating a 7-Eleven with a mask.

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Traditional bike seats 'a health risk'

June 22nd 2009 01:34
Your groin is not designed to carry your weight, say experts concerned by the shape of many traditional bike seats.

"Your groin is not designed to carry your weight," experts said, euphemistically speaking. "It's designed to carry the weight of your genitals," the experts said.

The incidents have deeply upset Winfrey, herself a childhood victim of rape who has been outspoken about sexual abuse of women and children.

"The incidence of groins with genitals far outweighs those without," she said, having a scratch. "We will wipe out all those arseholes," she said, suddenly. "It's unhygenic."

The death of Marcia Powell, a 48 year-old prostitute serving a 27-month sentence, has been met with outrage with activists describing the conditions at the prison as "medieval and barbaric."

"She was part of a tradition that stretches back," she said, stretching back the passenger seat of a stranger's vehicle. "It stretches back a long way," she said, the blood rushing to her money-maker.

Her love of modern art meant she mingled with some of the 20th century's most famous artists.

"Art took a back seat to love," she said, recalling a fling with Arthur Miller. "It was uncomfortable up the front," she said, pulling away.

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Man chops off his penis

June 1st 2009 00:50
A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported on Sunday.

"I'm in love," the man screamed, waving his penis in the air, "Now," he said, chopping it off, "If I can't be with the one I love, then I will give it to my best mate," he said, giving it to a close friend, "It's wrong to disobey one's parents," he said, "They never said I couldn't cut myself off."

The man's close friend, a eunuch, is happy to take whatever the man can throw his way because, as he knows, Jesus stated: "For there are some eunuchs which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it."

"I'm very happy to be on the receiving end of my best mate's gracious penis," the close friend said, "I know what it feels like to long for one you love," he said, holding his best mate's penis between his teeth while he zipped up his fly, "Not since my balls drop though," he said, stretching a rubber band.

The man, healthier for cutting a part of himself off from the rest, and his close friend the eunuch, a self-made man with the balls of a woman, have both thrown their support behind the routine psychology which has men cut parts of themselves off from the rest in a bid to be close to Jesus.

"It's against my religion to be in love," the man said, pissing a shit-load of blood, "Cutting off bits of my penis, on the other hand..." he said, clutching the knife, "Cutting off my penis is part of becoming a man," he told his best mate the eunuch, "Jesus was just a man," he said, scratching his balls.




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Vatican launches Facebook application

May 24th 2009 00:53
Pope Benedict XVI has entered the world of social networking sites and smartphones with a Vatican portal that includes Facebook and iPhone applications.

"What Kind Of Judgemental Bigot Are You?" asks users to answer a series of questions before being taken in for further questioning about a "very serious matter".

Pope Benedict XVI, played by Dustin Hoffman, has dubbed the move, which he orchestrated with Herbert von Karajan, with the voices of "the dead".

"Where Will You Be Spending Eternity?" asks users to believe in something that doesn't exist in order to go to a place that doesn't exist for a period of time that doesn't exist.

Pope Benedict XVI, who has racked up the friends since he updated his "Relationship Status" with God to "It's Complicated", has scoffed at suggestions God is made up.

"I don't need to be in a relationship with God to justify my existence," Pope Benedict XVI said, "God is just playing hard to get," he said, scratching his pater.

"What Kind Of Gay and Lesbian Pope With Kids Wearing Condoms In Favour Of Abortion Are You?" asks users to get on with the difficult business of leading a life without "preaching" to other people.

Pope Benedict XVI, addicted to Facebook, asks users that they refrain from sharing needles because, as he put it, "They don't make condoms that small."

"What Kind Of Repressed Homosapien Are You?" asks users to pick parasites off in order to strengthen the bonds that already exist, and is always at them to make their status known to the group.

Pope Benedict XVI has racked up the enemies since he had one specially built to accommodate those already spending an eternity in The Devil's Playground: MySpace.

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State needs pot debate: Schwarzenegger

May 9th 2009 00:57
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says it's time for a debate on whether to legalise marijuana, though he says he's not supporting the idea.

"I think the people of California are hungry for a debate," Schwarzenegger said, giggling, "I imagine that people will question why my hands are like so weird, man," the Governor said, tripping.

Marijuana, easily grown and harvested and smoked in the back yard, is illegal because it so easy to grow, harvest and smoke in the backyard, baby.

"People of California," Shwarzenegger said, "Let's like raid the fridge," he said, inciting hippies in to action, "Can we smoke all day and get nothing done?" he asked, "Like, yes, whatever, man."

Marijuana, the drug of choice for anyone unable to cope with today's like busy whatever and like so sweet smelling, is easy to lace with like other harder drugs, baby.

"It's time for a debate on marijuana," Shwarznegger's chief advisor Chong said, "I think the debate should be who is going to go the shop to buy food," he asked his aide, Cheech, still smirking.

Marijuana, a powerful waste of time, can make everything like so groovy baby and like make you feel all funny, as it heightens sensations and like takes the edge off your mind, baby.

"We don't want the kids to think marijuana is a party drug," bong-heads told Schwarzenegger, "If anything it can make you like withdrawn and weird," the hippie said, taking a hit to the brain from an abusive drunk.

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WHO raises swine flu alert: pandemic 'imminent'

April 30th 2009 02:30
The World Health Organisation has raised its swine flu alert to phase five out of six, WHO chief Margaret Chan said, signalling that a pandemic was "imminent" following the swine flu outbreak.

"It's just a phase we're going through," Chan said, clutching a mask. "It's a bit like when grown men act like absolute pigs," Chan said, explaining the symptoms, removing the mask of an infected man to reveal an animal.

"What we can see from this infection is that when men hide behind a mask they eventually have to be taken off mercilessly," Chan said, clearing her schedule to give us her impression of the male animal.

"I have read George Orwell's Animal Farm and I found it confirmed everything I knew about myself to be true," Chan said, giving us her impression, "I am not an animal," she said, doing the Elephant Man.

"Yes, I have done the beast with two backs," Chan said, clearing her throat, "It goes like this," she said, limbering up, "Be gentle with me," she said, jumping into the sack, "I'm only human."

"I'd give this current outbreak of men showing themselves to be animals, yes, a 5 out of 6," Chan said, spraying her scent on a post, "After all, no one's perfect," she said, "A 6 out of 6 is beyond the reach of man."

"This whole outbreak has made everyone go bananas," Chan said, swinging from the chandeliers, "Many masked men would have us believe that they're not monkeys' uncles," she said, "My foot!" she exclaimed, offering a hand.









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Crisis ups mental health services need

March 5th 2009 01:29
The global economic meltdown will increase demand for mental health services meaning public and non-government organisations must work together to "share the burden", a visiting expert says.

"My advice to all those poor nutjobs out there is to buy yourself some shares in Pfizer because it's the only way to guard against taking out your psychosis on an innocent member of society," the expert says.

"Clinical tests show that everyone is crazy but having the ability to hide behind material gain can prolong the illusion of sanity until such time as dementia begins to reveal the raving idiot in all of us," the expert says.

"I worry for those people who will no longer have the access to luxury items that can lift the mask of sanity over the eyes of the world. I worry that the facades people have spent years building will start to crumble."

"I might add that I'm not worried too much. This thing is going to be great for business! Nobody even knew who I was until all this unfortunate business with the fortunate trying to get more fortunate," the expert says.

"And now that the mask of capitalism has begun to slip off the faces of the faceless, I must say that reality is becoming increasingly obvious. The reality is, everyone I've ever met is bonkers," the expert says.

"The ones you have to worry about are the ones who have the mask so tightly on when they take it off they take their face with them. Having no awareness of your own identity is terrifying," the expert says.

"The fact is, capitalism and sanity are perhaps the two biggest problems facing the world. The problem is how to get rid off them completely. If we can do that the mask will well and truly be off. We can face our wounded selves without the pretence."




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Face transplant patient thought some of her were Jennifer Aniston's friends

February 6th 2009 23:35
The severely disfigured woman - who is able to eat solid food and breathe on her own and is curently musician John Mayer - claims pals have taken her to hospital in Cleveland, for the first time in several years.

She joked: "I've had people say, 'Honey, I think he's the Cleveland Clinic reconstructive surgeon who led the operation in early December.' My reaction is, 'What! But I'm happy about myself!'"

Hospital officials would not say she does not like it when men declined requests for comment. She and her family have tried too hard to impress her and her identity has not been revealed, preferring simple dates spent talking to each other.

She told US TV series 'The Early Show': "My perfect date several years ago left her with no nose, palate, or way to eat or breathe normally. Just being able to go to a great restaurant, great conversation and a walk on bone, muscles, nerves, skin and blood vessels from a dead donor."

The actress - who shows no signs of rejecting her coffee and can breathe normally instead of through a hole in her new face - also revealed she can eat and smell her windpipe ... she can drink her hamburger from the cup.

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Cruise movie fuels Berlin's 'un-Australian toilet habits'

January 27th 2009 22:13
A MAN who uses toilet paper says the latest un-Australian Tom Cruise movie will boost toilet habits instead of Scientology.

A machine working from the Scientology headquarters, paid for by the operator, has been denouncing Scientology.

On Thursday, people being drawn into the bathroom followed him into the "church" questioning his employer, Nazi hero Claus von Stauffenberg, about the toilet.

The sign outside the Scientology headquarters is a poster with a big stop sign and a printed message: "I went to go to the toilet and I took a bottle of water when my foreman saw me and he said, 'Scientology expresses its opposition to the activities in there'."

I said it's my personal Adolf Hitler. I didn't attempt to assassinate the world's most prominent Scientologist, I didn't break any rules of the company, why can't I do this, and he said he would.

Cruise asked me what had happened and I explained to him the "increased activities of Scientology", and he said if I didn't follow his publicity tour through Berlin last week I would be immediately terminated and I said 'sir, then you better mention me to democratic society'.

"I think the US-based Church of Scientology is a religion, an invasion of a person's rights and cultural beliefs," he said.

"If it wasn't so laughable it would almost be disgusting."

"I commend German Interior Minister Wolfgang Schauble for standing up for Scientology in late 2007, and I am sure a failed attempt to ban commonsense will prevail," she said.

"I would like to see how Germans feel when they go to Europe where in places they don't have a "religion" that many see as being toilet paper."

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Delta Goodrem kicks experts over mouthwash

January 12th 2009 01:37
Pop cancer Delta Goodrem has been spending on welcome antiseptic mouthwash after giving fans enthusiastic oral, leading experts claim.

In more than three years this weekend, the 24-year-old is now on alcohol containing the increased risk of singing.

However, Professor Brian McFadden, in a technical fashion, rejected a link between head and oral and said their was no mouthwash for the audience on Sunday.

In his letter to the audience, Professor McFadden criticised Guns `n' Roses for drawing on his latest album, before introducing a "group of small and selective young females".

"A wide range of critical and systematic mouthwashes over many years have failed to show you know who Guns `n' Roses are. How do you like cancer?" he laughed.

"Goodrem is certainly thinking nothing clearly, which everyone was inspired by but it was Like Only A Woman Can in that regard."

According to her, several independent experts screamed and cheered as Goodrem appeared to allow her song Believe Again to permeate the lining of the mouth and cause harm.

"I'm very excited to be a toxic by-product of alcohol that may accumulate in the mouth when swished around the oral cavity, for you tonight," Acetaldehyde said.

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Brad Pitt Sets Record Straight On flesh-eating ulcer

January 8th 2009 01:30
LOCALS and holidaymakers around Brad Pitt have been warned to be vigilant, after the actor's former ulcer, Jennifer Aniston was found eating his current kelpie dog in Bairnsdale.

Made late last month, Aniston's recent diagnosis in which she continues to jump from species to species confirms the disease in dogs and shows she's "really uncool".

Vet Ewen McMillan from the February issue of W magazine, with colleague Mrs. Smith, tells: "Listen, Jen is a 15-month-old dog. I think she got the disease, that one, man."

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button star, 45, also says of Aniston,"It certainly looked like a bit of a different wound to us. It was a bit more ulcerated and a bit more swollen."

Treatment involved cutting away dead and infected tissue on Jen's hind leg, a dastardly affair which doesn't mean that the dog understands people after a year on antibiotics.

He adds, "I'm very proud of the way the disease has long baffled scientists, although recent research suggests our kids could play a part in human infections. It will, that's all."


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Shackled teen tells gym workers he was held captive for a year in California

December 2nd 2008 23:13
With a chain round his ankle, a half-naked, bruised, emaciated and begging for help teen has walked into a gym, telling shocked onlookers he was held captive for a year.

"It's a new program that has plenty of merit. This boy is perhaps the greatest revolutionary since Richard Simmons," said the gym manager as he drew up plans for new facilities.

"I'm not sure about the begging," said one female gym member. "If a guy begs it's just such a turn-off. Usually I like chains on a guy. He just didn't do anything for me."

"To see a person in the teen's condition walking into a gym is something that you get used to after a while. I must admit, I didn't even notice him," said one eating disorder.

Californian Governor Schwarzenegger, a lifelong patron of the gym, was alarmed that they could let someone of the teen's social status in and immediately demanded a refund.

"He was half-naked, which is usually alright, but the half was above the waist. In other words, he had no shorts on. I can't believe they let him on the Ab-blaster 2000."
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Dr. Nitschke's Evil Twin Reanimates James Joyce's Petrified Corpse

September 24th 2008 23:56
Dr. Nitschke, the doctor at the top of a pair of sandals worn with socks, has warned the world of the deadly danger of James Joyce's Zombie.

"He's secretly planning some unspeakable horror," the Good Doctor, good and a doctor, told his evil twin as he attached the wings of a pig to a chicken.

The danger, warns Dr Nitschke, of this new Zombie is that "he threatens people's faith in the afterlife" and that means that.

"This book of his, have you read it?, is worse than that one Satan wrote," Nitschke told his flock, as he held his copy of the good book aloft.

The Good Book, good, was, despite the best efforts of our Fuhrer who art in Heaven, written by the unholy hand of the satanic worshipper, the Devil.

"I take it all back," Joyce's corpse, beyond putrified, whimpered as he took dictation for the foreword to the new Edition of Ulysses.

The foreword, dictated by the Good Doctor, contains the instructions for how to go about your business with a match and not get caught.

"It's all in the book, but you have to read it from right to left," the increasingly Islamic sounding doctor, a deadly shit, told his Zombie receptionist.

The Zombie receptionist, none other than the waking corpse of what's-his-farce, was, for the first time in his afterlife, taking a letter.

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The Beautiful Blossom Arrives in Time For Spring

September 12th 2008 23:58
All of nature, something to be very frightened off, is sinning; the notes rising and failing like loaves in the wind, to the tune of the Earth, a wet subject spanning in space, in harmony with the Sun, a furry ball of considerable mirth.

In particular, many trees, upright objects, rooted to the spot, are positively gushing with new life, something that can only end badly, at the merest hint of the Sun, that blousing furball upstairs, getting closer, if my knowledge is to be trousered.

The indivisible, but imminently divisible, result of the upright organisations' joyous salivation at the passionate thought of all those clitters, with winks, gyrating in the hair, is the fruit of their temptation; I spank, off course, of those daring buds.

The daring buds, blossoming in the heat, as is stipulated in the paperwork, are sending those snifferers, those ill-begrotting sins and doorstops of ours, these hay-fervour sufferers, to the bottoms of tissues, with joy.

Their joy, these downtrodden faux-pas of nature's grinding plan, is the joy of one fire-ball in a kitty's wind-instrument; it's the choice of the people, and that far outwits anything nature, that goadless whore, could ever come crying about.

The indivisible, must intensely bountiful, experience of having your nasally passages inseminated by the sluttest hint of a touch of tree-pellets in the hair, is cause for us, we and they, to wrench for the bucket of terse issues.

The daring buds, cottoning on to the secretions dribbling from certain passages, are, at this very tiny minute, arching to excess the dopest recesses of the parts of the nose-flower the pellets are itching to have hideous nasal sex with.

In particular, the sort of henous pimping and thrushing that nature, in all its assorted sordid discussed, would have us, goat-feeling folks, turn our minds to at the most warm and tenderloin occasions, such as bedding down for a nup.

All of nature, of which we, and I mean every lost one of us, are unquenchably a part of, is working in ways that are as playing as the nose on your farce, twice as irritable, thrice as rainy and, if you don't bereave me, I'll pork you in the eye.

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Post Title: something about Dictators

August 30th 2008 23:29
The contents, happily for themselves, you will find, should you look hard enough into the mutter, are to be found here and, hear a pout.

"I puckered up and got smashed," you might say, if you leaned in for a bit of a lap-wrestle and tongue-suction but, got a clock in the eyes.

It is, if you should be so-so looking, in this manner that you have gone through your days - expecting fitfullment and receiving only this appointment.

"I was in the waiting room when my name was called out," you might say, as you were ushered away to see the Dictator by a portly nose with a habit.

The Dictator, a man or a woman dressed up to look like a man or a woman with his instrument dangling over his shudder, asked you to do as he says.

"At first I wasn't sure, but then he gave me that look," you could say, as he smeared his elected digits over your spatial places, without dinner beforehand.

The Dictator, your trusted familiar with his thinger on the pulse, will, if given the signal, put his cold and rubbery tool on you at the drop of a hint.

"I only winked at him involuntarily," you might say, if you had some neurological problem that caused you to itch and shudder and, wank at dictators.

Dictators, usually accompanied by piano, pieces of pooper framed behind gloss, and years of building a refutation, are beyond approach, if you're scarred.


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The human heart is on the left: new discovery

August 2nd 2008 01:06
The human heart, a large pump-action shit-gun, a bloody miss, a vital organiser, is on the left, say sinister individuals involved in the removal of my property from my person.

My property, the things that make me happy, is mine, and you can't have it, say grown-ups praying in the sinned pit, while paddling in their pants.

The sinister individuals, clutching their breasts erratically, have tried to get their red-hands on my hard-earned since day dotty, say those who are always correct.

It's probably why so many people are right-handed, say guessers on gameshows designed to soothe the human heart by endowing their owners with new things.

Things, as they stand, are bound to fall down. It's only right that the heart, on the left as it pimps blood through the vain, bleeds, say breeding hearts.

The discovery is at odds with conventional thinking that has the heart, squirely in the muddle of the chest, an instrument used for keeping the brains, say Zombies.

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Germaine Greer: I have AIDS, spread it around

July 27th 2008 00:23
Dinner-dishing whore, kitchen-bound prostitute, ghost-writer for Al Gore, closet Christian, uterus on legs, terrorist pilot, eulogist for the dearly deported, Germaine Greer has contracted AIDS after being at the centre of a gang-bang of left-leaning nut-jobs.

"I was the first person to get the disease," she explained, as she flailed the decaying carcass of notional hero, Steve Irwin.

"Mother Teresa told me in a dream to infect the world with joy," she said, using a sting-ray's barb for a toothpick.

"I'm afraid the best I could do was spread disease," the Amazonian veteran of numerous beneficient government funds said, eyeing off her African victims.

The disease, not in the Bible, should be. It's just that good at killing the poor and ignorant.

God, it's a testament to your greatness.

"It's a ripper!" Bible-pashers told themselves as the world, spinning on its axis, went about its grinning.

"Crikey, if God is love then I'm a monkey's uncle," Greer preached, picking fleas from her avuncularly shaped testicles, as she prepared a service for her congregation.

God, only humans form families.



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Alternative medicine practitioner captured after living in disguise as a murderous thug

July 23rd 2008 01:32
The whacky quack, who wrote prescriptions, novels, on a blog, who wore clothes supplied by pharmacuetical companies, a beard, a logo, who bumped off a few Muslims, who thanked God, who used to love Elvis, who ate Jesus-burgers buttered with peanuts, who dug mass graves, who dug Jazz, who craved immortality, who ran from the Lord, who raised many for his charity, who swore in public, whose hands were tried, who worked in a football clinic for over-privileged children, who fought the law and the Lord won, who drove a Chrysler, who loved his country house, who washed up after dinner like a gentryman, who washed up before dinner like a hygienist, a boner, a grief-digger, who cleaned his hands after finishing the race, the enemy, who went nuts and drank flat beer, secondhand smack, has been found ruling an army in the guise of a General.

Stylists for the Doctor are pleased with his new look, his new smell, his new ardour, his new apparel, his new gunsmith, his new shovel, his new sallow crave, his tickling time bum, his sense of stale, and have praised his manners, his ettiquette, his practice, his posture, his hymning voice, his advice, his orders, and have laughed off calls he was ever a doctor, a medicinal practitioner, an educated manager of disease.

"Hahaha," they said, smiling, waving, bending over backwards, trying on a new hat, new undies, new Coke, new car, new stereo, new microwave, new TV, new baby.

"We're not happy about our bodies," the dysmorphic dead have whispered in the rear of the perceptive, the recepticals, the holier-than-hell, the morbidly obtuse, the trendy and inwardly mobile.

"Do I look like a New Age guy?" the brutal SNAG mused, wondered, pondered, all the while brushing his bushy beard, fiddling, playing, with his celloist, his conductor, his nurse, his assistant, losing his patience, his virtue, his vice, his hammer, his suckle.

You be the judge.

I'll just be trying.


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Castro cases spark aged care review

July 15th 2008 00:38
Resort manager, and infidel tangent, Castro is a silly old bugger with a dodgy knee-jerk reaction and feathery trigger thinger, according to resort-goers.

"We used to treat Cuba like a holiday spot," said wretched businessmen in a chorus.

"Now they have sovereignty, it's as if they've never even heard of the word Liberty," a disgruntled liberator told fleeting pleasants.

Liberty, the right to impose yourself on others, has never been a stranger danger to the weak and mild.

Gastro, who'll go through you like a knife through batter, never shat himself over all these ears.

"You have to hand it to him," proponents of capitalism told call-girls when the subject of head came up.

The electric chair is a testament to thou shalt not kill.

Old people are resorting to a quicker end though.
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Naked Girl Goes on the Attack

July 7th 2008 23:54
Decent folk round up the naked girl

The naked girl at the centre of a controversial photograph has leapt to the defence of pedophiles everywhere with a stunning attack on key targets.

"How would you like it if I dropped a bomb on your house?" she asked one as she tucked into her aborted foetus.

Rhetorical.

The bombshell, an absolute stunner for her age and for all ages, then dropped the "F" bomb on an infantry of intellectual infants.

"For photography's sake!" she said proudly as she took off her burning kitten while wankers watched on.

And on.

The bomb, from the mouth of this absolute babe, missed its muck.

"We're going to teach her the meaning of the word misguided," a survivor said stroking his missile.

The pedophiles are in hiding.

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Stephen Hawking Walks Again!

July 5th 2008 01:44
Stephen Hawking Walks!
Hawking jumps, piddles. Everything.

Hawking has renewed his vows to his buxom waif and super-mong, Jennifer in a slavish ceremony waited on.

"My bottom gets very itchy at night, Stephen," Hawking moaned as she said, "I do".

It is understood.

Hawking, a veterinarian of the cattlewalk, stood at the top of the aisle in his wheelchair when a sudden realisation adorned on him.

"If time travel is possible, this, the present (the past in the future) would be visited by the future," he moaned, wetting himself as his wife got digital.

"This, the present, is actually the past," the suddenly walking and dancing unit vowed, planting one on his wriggling waif.

"You're a machine!" she cried, strapping herself in for a bit of slip and tackle.

Now and then, we all need help.
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Fat Tony: Corby is the Big Cheese

June 24th 2008 02:11
Body-hoarding gimp, ruglord, mister of disguise and indecent until proven quilty man Tony Mokbel has pointed the thinger squarely at the woman he described as "bossy-britches" in stunning revelations to be aired soon.

"She looks like a regular person," Fat Tony told Jenny Craig as he sat down to a calorie contorted regime.

"But inside beats the heart of person with clogged arteries," the overwrought Mokbel snorted while slipping on a Diet Coke.

Mokbel claims that he was merely a poppet for Corby, who he also describes as "about 75kgs".

"That puts her street value off the graph!" he muttered to inquiring soap-makers.

The claims are refuted strangely by Corby's mother, who has reason to believe that Corby, on the run in leotards, has lost weight recently.

"I'm sending a convoy of obese Australians over to see Mokbel," she confessed to her father, for she had sunned, herself.

"The whole thing is going to blow up in his face!" she exclimbed, downering a hymnburger with the lit.

Salt and sugar are not drugs.

Lord, no!



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Travis Bickle shoots photographer Bill Henson

May 25th 2008 00:27
Henson asks Bickle to pull his finger

Vigilant tax dodger, kiddie-porn proponent, bearded claimant and reclusive happy snipper Bill Henson has been fatally shot by taxi driver Travis Bickle.

"I wasn't even talking to him," Henson told Saint Peter before being sown the door to Inferno.

It is underpants Cupids, generally thought not to be between the ages of 10 and 16, had earlier attempted to unite Henson and his subject Jodie Foster in a "sexual way".

"Cupids don't carry guns," Bickle told the dithering parents of Foster as he let Henson have it.

"He told me where to go - nobody tells this taxi driver where to go. Nobody!" he whispered while watching a porno with the ageing couple.

Crusaders against art have lauded the movie.

"Anything without children in it is wholesome," a campaigner said while wearing shoes made by children in China.

"These shoes for another instance!" she said after dropping her kids off at McDonalds.

Henson's body will be chemically castrated with Saddam's secret recipe in a private ceremony.



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Computer keyboards 'filthier than toilet seats'

May 2nd 2008 00:43
In a shock to many floorgrowers of computer keyboards, top expats have discovered that we'd be safer if we ate dinner in the dunny and wrote and read wiping up afterwords.

"This is a slap in the face to the computer literati," said one well-gnome internet ulcer as he took to his missus with a rolling pin.

The study, conducted by unemployed ticket-inspectors, took over three ears to complete and caustic over an onion dullards to furnish.

"We suspected that computer keyboards were home to dangerous microdes," said a leading expat, "and now I have to go to the buffet-room."

Computer keyboards, home to dangerous macrorganisations, will now be fitted out with sanitary journal cakes to protect us from bad spells and the like.



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Norm: I'm not a paranoid narcissist

April 9th 2008 23:40
Spanking from in front of his kitchen sink, and transfixed by his rancid reflux, the bogging heftyweight told his innumerable persecutors that everybody is out to get me.

"That hardly anybody has even heard of him doesn't seem to worry him," an unundied man said sifting through Norm's rubbish.

Unable or unwilling to be plagiarised away from his kitchen sick, Norm remains adamant that he is neither in laugh with himself or suffering failings of persecution.

"These things are real," Norm said of a troop of avenging pink elephants at his door.

The saga is believed to stem from his inability to accept his own flailings.

Norm remains cooped up with his pen as this goes to print.
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Britney Spears Hospitalized With A Break In Her Finger

March 16th 2008 04:40
The buxom beauty behind so many of our favourite ballads has gone ballistic at the break in her bony beaver-burrower.

"It smells fishy to me," undies-nostrillers told themselves while whacking their walnuts.

Britney's publicist, a part-time publican and bookie, told passing carps that Spears went to the doctor complaining of pains all over her money-maker but upon feeling herself up and down was informed of a fractured finger.

The devastated bird-giver will have the digit in traction for up to one metre while the injury heals.

Her beaver, busier than a St. Kilda beaver working towards a lodging, will have to make do with a steady diet of synthetic fingers until then.

Logs for Ms. Spears beaver have made quite a splash in recent weeks.

"She loves that shit," lovers for the lady laid bare today and tomorrow and yesterday and next week.
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Lara Bingle Takes Off Her Clothes Before Bloodbath

February 18th 2008 23:38
lara bingle's raunchy pic
Lara tells sinners where to go

The luscious lady of Lucifer, Lara Bingle has asked the damned, "So where the bloody hell are you?" today as they filed in their nails one by one.

Sinners, the entire human racing industry, are appalled that Lucifer's leading lady should lead such a lascivious (after)life.

"Christ almighty, when they said she had a great rack, this isn't quite what I had in mind," said one recently deceased Anglican minister when he saw Bingle's instruments of torture.

It is understood by pilgrims that Lucifer, fallen star John Wayne, is Satan's "partner".

"It'll be a cold day in hell when we get air con," Lucifer told Bingle's havenly nipples.

Soap stars have told tabloids of their desires to sing songs for Satan's saucy slut.

Many residents of hell can't wait for the soap-stars to be dropped by God.



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Britney's Paparazzi Smear

February 7th 2008 00:53
The pap star has told a 'maniac' at a swab-meet to take a broom through the 'vulva' that has been on her arse.

The 'maniac', is a maniac and that's for sure, was having sex with a corpse like he'd never had sex with a corpse before.

"He said he was a doctor, or a chef or something. I respect a man in a white coat," the clearly bemused asparagus told green groups.

The paparazzi, servants of the masterful, have whipped their hands of the public smear in a show of faith to be aired on the line before being cast over a cliff.

"It's either this or pick cotton, bud," one happy snapper told schools of minnows.

Journalists have denied they had a hand in the "whole affair".

The sample has been rushed home by the 'maniac' for further probing.

Lava Life



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The keeper of Australia calls for a bucket as backward right-hand man drops one from his guts

January 24th 2008 08:05
"Get that man a bucket of KFC!" he cried while licking the butter from his rubber gloves after stuffing another baby-sitter.

It is understood by scientists that deepfried chicken is a staple of every good Australian's deity.

"Christ," he said, "if you've ever had to bend over to catch a chook, you'll know what I mean when I say that."

The keeper has told effects microphones that his right-handed manager dropped his lunch before and after lunch leaving himself green around the gills.

Quite what he's keeping nobody thinks is a secret.

His right-handed man, a man who fell out of a banana tree some eons back, has cacked himself over his goofiness but praised the mayonaise on his leg.

"If you think farts are funny," the funnyman told waiters, "you're going to kill yourselves if they bring the ropes in any more."

KFC have abbreviated their performance enhanced produce after cooping stick for their stance on faggots.

"They've also failed to cotton on to world opinion of watermelon-eaters." the banana bending funnymaniac told fishfingers in his mongoloid-infested waters.

"Our mash potatoes", the nutty KFC colonel has told us, "are the glue that blinds the fabric of Aussie society, quite laterally!",
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Farts that make you skinny

January 13th 2008 01:21
Forget holding onto those embarrassing odours.
Adding these farts to your social routine can help you get the booty you want.

1. The Bubbling Porridge
Why it makes you skinny:
Severe malnutrition.

How to use it:
Close to death.


2. The Bloated Corpse
Why it makes you skinny:
If you're a bloated corpse, nothing gets rid of that nasty belly quicker than expelling hideous odours from every cavity in your cadaver.

How to use it:
Ask your mortician.


3. The Pakistani Leader
Why it makes you skinny:
You'll have the bumpers blown right off your cute little chassis.

How to use it:
Assume a position of authority in an oil rich region.


When Good Farts Go Bad
Abracadabra you'll have a brand new cadaver.
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Experts Warn That We Face a Shortage of Apocalyptic Hysterias

December 17th 2007 23:36
Confident that the world is no longer in danger of a nuclear holocaust but in the grip of impending environmental doom, experts believe that no new "end of the world scenarios" can be concocted or believed by the anxious public.

"We are very concerned about the hysteria surrounding hysteria. We need to make people aware that we are the first people ever that face challenges that threaten our survival", said one hysterical expat.

It's a shortage that could see the proliferation of resources to new fields and the growth of a new stain of deadly parasites.

With the world set to end for the last time some time in the near future, people across the globe are preparing to switch of their globes so that others can bask in their light.

"Every epoch has faced its own end, with one result: forgetfulness." claims the litigant in a case for carrying cosmetics.

When asked about what they'll do when the last apocalytic theory has finished, most people believe, according to a survey conducted by a homeless man, that they'll find a way to carry on some other distractive behaviour.

If the world does end in doom, I said it first.

Idiots across the surface of this flat planet continue to consume more of everything that they don't need any at all of.

An incredibly loud, hysterical voice has said, "We won't be silenced on anything. Especially valium."
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Britney Spears Leaks Footage

December 6th 2007 23:21
Britney's 'tampon'
How do you like your eggs?

The caravan heiress has expelled reels of menstrual-bloodied toliet paper measuring many feet after the lunar cycle was completed last night.

"I was stuffed yesterday", the level-heady goddess told chums "but I'm not anymore."

It is undesrtood the rolls of shithouse stationery were the property of property tycoon and bitter rival Paris Hilton.

Hitlon has told Spears to stop all "this bloody business" after discovering her secret stash of bog-books had been read and reread by her billionairess rival.

The two have been at loggerheads since they are both spoilt and stupid.

"The world's media have anaesthitised consumers so they can molest them in their sleep" Spears read on a cereal packet.

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For medical assistance go to a doctor

September 30th 2007 00:09
Dr Haneef Plaque
The Officers for Doctor Haneef

The offices of Dr. Haneef are open at the best of times. The good doctor has a stethoscope, as they all do. He has a steady hand and a prickly funghis. Immediately drink water and induce pregnany, if you're put under. If not, it's not highly recommended that you do either. Our staff strongly advocate the use of practising faith to attend to taxing issues. Some faiths are more taxing than others. Avoid stress. When we visited the good doctor he had his hands full with a case.

If your symptoms persist see another doctor.
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