DIGGERS are using cocaine, heroin and other hard drugs while on tours of duty in Afghanistan and are returning home as addicts.

The RSL has issued a warning to all its members through President Dan Murphy who has stated publicly that all bottles of scotch are 15% off normal prices.

"The problem we have with cocaine and heroin addicts," Dan Murphy said, "is that they imagine that somehow they don't need our low, low prices."

"In some ways these Diggers are like Marco Polo," he said. "In that they brought democracy and brought back an addiction to getting off their noodle."

"In other ways they're like that crazy homeless drunk man on the corner, Paul Gascoigne," he said. "In that they're hanging around corners looking to score."

"In other ways they're like any other Afghan rug-head," he said. "In that they have a problem with our way of life that puts them at risk of terrorising the community."

"In other ways they're like Islamic extremists," he said. "In that they won't touch a drop of alcohol, at any cost. It's costing us when they shoot themselves up."

The RSL, proud to bring you the war on foreign terra, have hinted at plans to build the first RSL Cocaine Snorting Room inside the toilet of a social club in Queensland.

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Harry Potter star Radcliffe denies smoking pot

November 14th 2009 21:41

Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe has denied smoking marijuana at a party, after a report appeared in British tabloid the Daily Mirror.

"I and I don't smoke no ganja, mon," Radcliffe told Babylon "and I and I categorically deny these...ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...we think that Milo tastes like sand. I hate cats."

"Daniel does smoke 'em occasional funny cigarette, mon," he said, "but I and I not Daniel, mon. I and I plays a character devoid of character. We plays Prince Harry for all he's got."

Radcliffe, in the mix to play Cheech and Chong in the upcoming biopic to be shot on his mobile phone, has called for calm, after forgetting the number for Pizza Hut.

"After smoking that funny cigarette," he told the decapitated head of J.K. Rowling, "I think I could definitely find it within myself to play two people."

"And we definitely refute these allegation!" he said, "These people are wrong about a lot, mon. That was hardly a party. I can't remember seeing any cocaine. A Rastafarian leprechaun, on the other hand..."

"Now, if you'll excuse us," he requested upon reflection, "We have to go and rehearse a few lines on the mirror. Quick, Mildred. He's got a magic dragon. I'll shave you! I'm hungry and depressed. Who said that? Yes, Veronica. It was Winston Churchill. Very good. Mummy has a lot to answer for. She once went on Mastermind. Special Area: between the legs."

Radcliffe, a representative of the People Against Pop Stars Making England Anally Retentive (PAPSMEAR), will begin shooting Heroin Into His Arm, by Sid Vicious, in a matter of time.

Radcliffe draws on marijuana for inspiration

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Legal drugs spark a boom in pill popping

October 31st 2009 23:27

A largely unregulated industry is selling pills claimed to mimic the thrills of illicit drugs.

Opium-Seller Kidnapping Supplies
We Have Your Missionary. Send Money. Or He Gets It.
Here's His Severed Finger.
www.phillipino-gunmen.org

GUNMEN holding an Irish Catholic missionary in the southern Philippines for nearly three weeks have demanded a $2 million ransom, officials say.

Missionaries Who Like Girls
Meet Girls In Your Area. We'll Take You To Heaven!
We Also Cater.
www.hiding-in-the-bushes.god

In one statement they claimed he also took photographs of the children at their pony club.

Pony Clubs In The Phillipines?
You Bet Your Sweet Ass! We Cater To All Your Imperial
Needs. We'll Take You For A Ride! But Let's Talk About
Your Sweet Ass. 1800-1-SWEET-ASS
www.flog-dead-horse.com

He was charged with attempting to choke/strangle with intent to commit a serious indictable offence.

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Cancer link to mobiles

October 26th 2009 01:18

AN international study has found a link between long-term mobile phone use and brain tumours.

On an average day in 2006, 35 women were diagnosed with the cancer.

A spokeswoman for Andrew Lloyd Webber says the composer has been diagnosed with prostate cancer.

Talking Through Your Backside?
Get It In The Arse.
www.prostate-cancer.net

Smooth Talkers!
Get A Call From Your Doctor For That Lumpy Brain.
www.fucked-in-the-head.net

Start Talking to Your Kids Today
Don't Listen To Them. They Haven't Picked Up What You Have! You're An Infallible Idol.
www.syphillis.net

His ex-wife Janine Lindemulder, 40, star of such video titles as Mrs Behavin’, Sleeping Booty and Dyke Diner, disagrees.

She had bite marks on her thigh, black eyes, a bruised neck and jaw and up to 5cm of her tongue removed, believed bitten off.

I encourage you to get a mobile phone and I very much look forward to seeing the results.

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Barack Obama Sex Tape Emerges!

October 19th 2009 13:05

MATURE CONTENT

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Three out of 10 men fail to wash hands after toilet, according to study

October 15th 2009 23:21

THREE out of 10 men you shake hands with won't have washed theirs after going to the toilet.

The study has highlighted the alarming ramifications you face shaking hands with your wife's best friend - invariably an unhygienic man - and has led many to question the value of going to the toilet in the first place, or at least wiping.

The Age old practice of wiping - frowned upon in the Middle East - where the arseholes are hairiest - has, along with many outdated social conventions such as nose-blowing and refraining from scratching your weird and wonderfuls, for the first time been legislated against in parts of the newly democratic nation of Iraq, but opponents argue it's "just a piece of paper".

The most vocal opposition has come from the young women of Iraq, many of whom believe that their "unhealthy inclination" towards cleanliness places them closer to God and will lead to them being "wiped off the face of the earth" by the "hands of those stinking arseholes", which has caused a spokesman for the Hairy Arsehole Alliance (HAA) to squirm in his seat.

In a speech before a rally of supporters, the dirty arsehole spokesman, wringing his mum, said that he had evidence to back up his belief that "the dirty arseholes of Iraq are untouchable", and launched into a shitful tirade against Western influences in the "region", before demonstrating to the demonstrators what is meant by "the hands of the Western arseholes are dirty".

A statement issued by opponents of the legislation claims that the new measures will give police the right to "sniff around in my private business", but was met with a swift response from HAA, which is planning to randomly check "every single arsehole which doesn't smell right," and by that is meant every one which doesn't at all.

"I really have no idea what sort of shit goes on in Iraq but let's just say that I have no idea what goes on anywhere else either," said a disgruntled former employer of the person responsible for this shit, "but, I think that the best can be said for half the shit that gets done in this domain is not worth being put to paper. "

My other half is beautiful. Amen.

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Bin Laden warns Europe of retaliation

September 26th 2009 01:33

KYLE Sandilands has found an ally in his ongoing battle with US President Barack Obama after having been left among a group of drunk men.

Osama bin Laden , who has made films about nuclear power, and his partner, turn up for this interview in ugg boots and a towelling dressing gown.

He's not a bad person at all. He's a very personable human being and I know he cannot get pregnant even in this day and age.

Former 2Day FM breakfast host Wendy Harmer , a scab-covered ice addict who uses her son's proceeds from prostitution to fund her habit, says she sympathises.

The woman isn't being named to protect her daughter's identity.

It is not known whether, in any way, she fronted her press conference wearing nothing but a scarf.

Whatever happens now is up to the fans. I really hope they like sexually transmitted diseases.

But one thing is for sure, Professor Nigel Tapper, from Melbourne's Monash University , whose performances drew more than a few comparisons with Roy Orbison, played down the risks to humans.

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Nanoparticles could pose threat to humans: scientists

September 17th 2009 01:31

They can make fabric resistant to stains, improve the taste of food and help drug research, but a man has tried to abduct a teenage girl as she walked along a road south of Sydney, police say.

She will investigate claims that a man fathered four children with his own daughter over 30 years.

They tend to rodents, mostly mice, used in experiments.

The chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, himself a black man, says they also monitor breeding and weaning and help with paperwork.

He is of white/European appearance, about 20 years old, about 170cm tall and of medium build with short dark hair and a fair complexion.

The probability of this happening is 4.2 million to one, mathematician Mihail Konstantinov commented, although he added that such coincidences can happen.

"I was extremely appalled to see the allegations," she told ABC Radio on Thursday.

Right wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh gave this view credibility with his description of an incident on a school bus in which a white student was sprayed throughout stores via a scent machine or by store employees.

At the time he was wearing a dark-coloured long-sleeved shirt and board shorts.

In May, the U.S. Supreme Court ordered a lower court to reconsider a ruling that struck down a $550,000 fine against CBS Corp television stations for airing the incident.

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Man drove to police after stabbing

September 13th 2009 23:04

A teenager has been attacked by a man with a meat cleaver in Sydney's southwest and sustained deep lacerations to his arm.

And new studies reveal this man has more mates than ever who think and act just like him.

They carried hand-painted posters with slogans decrying Obama's healthcare reforms, leading the United States down the road to socialism.

He is described as being in his late teens, of Asian appearance and 165cm tall.

Another, held aloft by an immigrant from Ukraine, said: "I had enough of socialism in the USSR."

With a middle-class background and an internet connection, the man is keen to explore travel deals advertised across the web.

He also took photos of himself babysitting his then 20-year-old son in July, 2007.

He was wearing a black jacket and possessed a knife at the time of the incident.

Police are looking for the man who stabbed him.

It's actually possible today, with all the cloning and stem cell research, to actually have some experiments that don't work very well and get out of control.

Ukraine has one of the fastest rising HIV rates in Europe.

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Bert invigorated by Wicked's young cast

September 10th 2009 22:29

Veteran entertainer Bert Newton has no plans to bow out of showbiz anytime soon, saying his starring role in the musical Wicked is keeping him refreshed.

The 44-year-old attracted the attention of staff at a suburban service station where he appeared wobbly on his feet as he got out of his car.

"It was a very hard time for them. I don't know how they pulled themselves together," Newton said.

"I promised Jehovah that never again in my life would I pick up a gun," he says, addressing a crowd.

The comment sparked outrage from Jewish groups and others, prompting radio station 2DayFM to pull the plug on his show for the second time in as many months.

"I am so excited. It is just a dream come true," the former Miss Universe said.

Under the stage name "Josmar" he recorded compact discs, decorated with his beaming photograph, of Christian songs sung in his vibrato-heavy voice accompanied by electronic organ.

Internet chat rooms are rife with fans discussing how he might have carried out this trick.

Yesterday a professor warned of the dangers of alcohol poisoning.

It also produces body hair and a deep voice.

Police said that when they pulled the professor over, he reached into his car and produced a dead fish which he offered to the officers.

Around the world it has been seen by more than 20 million people, won a raft of awards and grossed nearly $1.6 billion.

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Govt website hacks are juvenile: Conroy

September 10th 2009 02:16

Communications Minister Stephen Conroy has described an attack on federal government websites as "juvenile".

He strangled his wife before dumping her naked body in a car outside their Auckland home.

"Even the AIDS campaigns that were run many years ago ... changed culture; what we need to do with the internet environment is to include imagery of child sexual abuse, rape and bestiality ," he said.

"And on top of that, we are now among the most obese nations in the world."

The "suspect" stabbed to death his 17-year-old divorced sister with a kitchen knife because he claimed she beat their mother and that she was mean and knew many men, a police spokesman said.

A spokesman for Communications Minister Stephen Conroy said he had received reports of the hack but could not confirm whether the attack had been successful.

He has already disappointed his liberal supporters by backing off early from the idea of government.

"That sort of thing is just juvenile," he said as he rushed past reporters on the way into Parliament House on Thursday.

He then unveiled new iPod features and colors, including adding a video camera to the iPod nano, as well as price cuts for other models, ahead of the crucial holiday season.

The spokesman said that while his PC was not displaying any symptoms of the virus, the owner requested further spread of the virus, which can be transmitted to humans.

But a further 7.6 per cent of men and 10.1 per cent of women reported a previous case of the infection, which can have no symptoms but cause infertility if not treated over the longer term.

As well as stipulating that all children up to age seven are appropriately restrained, new regulations will guide parents and carers in the selection of the best type of child.

A spokesman for the Prime Minister refused to comment on the attacks.

"The campaign that they're mounting is erroneous and misinformed,'' he said.

The campaign, which also features Joseph Stalin and Saddam Hussein, was organised with AIDS awareness group Regenbogen eV ahead of World AIDS Day on December 1.

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More sex-toy antics from bad boy Brendan Fevola

September 8th 2009 02:11

AFL bad boy Brendan Fevola has been caught again making obscene gestures with a giant sex toy in the early hours of August 19, when the rapes and beatings started.

To his family and friends he's a doting father and generous fund-raiser but in business he was a woman in her 30s and asked to be identified publicly.

She enjoyed group sex because she liked being aged in his mid-30s, of white or European appearance, more than 170 centimetres tall, with an average build and brown medium-length spiky hair.

Gender proved no barrier to the behaviour, with almost equal numbers of male and female perpetrators, the survey found.

She argued her clothes, a pair of green slacks that she also wore to her first court appearance, were respectable and admitted to having sex just so her husband would put the rubbish out.

He had a long nose and wore dark blue jeans.

"Everything always looks different when you're sober," she said.

"One of the things we have to think about is ... do we no longer teach Romeo and Juliet in schools anymore?

But when she woke up she gave birth to a stillborn child, she said.

Riot police quickly cleared the scene, where alcohol continues to be available, beating some protesters with batons.

But thousands of indigenous people then moved into urban areas, creating serious law and order and social problems.

Experts said women were predominantly the ones who said they slept with a male who was their boyfriend.

Around 40 women protesters were detained.

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Adolf Hitler used as face of AIDS in German ad

September 7th 2009 02:10

A STEAMY new AIDS awareness advert shows an Adolf Hitler lookalike having sex.

He claimed to specialise in massage, spiritual healing, kinesiology lymphatic drainage and somatic therapy.

Before his death he claimed he was in possession of a tape which allegedly implicates New South Wales Labor politicians in corruption.

"They can put me in high heels and a ballerina dress for all I care because the reason was the money," he said.

And in a brave personal account she tells of the moment she realised her suicide attempt had failed.

The controversial footage - to be shown on TV and in cinemas - is aimed at shocking the public out of complacency over the sudden death cha cha.

He danced a rumba and a freestyle to his new song Ready For Love, and was complemented for his heartfelt style.

For rookie astronauts flying aboard the International Space Station, the food is good, the rocket thrusters are loud and there's an odd tang in the air - apparently from Joseph Stalin and Saddam Hussein lookalikes en flagrante.

Comment was being sought from the Catholic Church.

Parents ARE sedating children with cannabis and even heroin, it has been claimed.

Current drugs can only delay the symptoms endured by patients who lose their memories, the ability to find their way around and to care for themselves.

They also delivered a $5 million treadmill named after comedian Stephen Colbert.

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Dirty layers hid painting's penis

September 3rd 2009 01:14

MATURE CONTENT

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10-year-old accused of murdering father

August 31st 2009 01:33

Police have charged a 10-year-old-boy with first-degree murder in the shooting death of his father in the US state of New Mexico.

He has compiled a collection of brain scans for The Age, saying young people need to realise how just one blow to the head can be fatal, or lead to lifelong brain injury.

He stayed for one-and-a-quarter hours sitting on a couch the entire time, happily talking to people.

On Wednesday he took aim at Dicko after he criticised 16-year-old Aliqua.

But Grimshaw the person is just bemused by all the fuss.

Swimsuit parties were particularly daunting.

The Alice Springs-based comedian - who writes a motherhood column in Woman's Day - said she had been sober for the previous two months, while rehearsing Dancing With The Stars, but fell off the wagon this week.

SHE'S had six, possibly seven children, all to different fathers. Four were sent to live with their grandmother and at least one, police believe, has been murdered.

It was yet another example of why Grimshaw has become one of the most respected people in the media.

Now, her estranged mother is begging authorities to stop her getting pregnant again, The Sunday Telegraph reports.

There may be a further disturbing twist to this story.

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Net addict son 'beaten to death' at camp

August 5th 2009 02:40

A teenager was reportedly beaten to death by trainers at a rehabilitation camp in China where his parents had sent him to cure his internet addiction.

Deputy commissioner Owens says he is pleased with the success of the program so far.

He was wearing a long-sleeved blue shirt with black pants and was carrying a black satchel with blue stripes.

"Everyday police across the state deal with consumers and respond to incidents," Mr Owens said in a statement on Wednesday.

"Having lost John Foreman, Kyle Sandilands and Mathison himself, we are getting a little nervous," he said.

But four women eventually showed up to humiliate the man, who ended up with his penis glued to his belly in a bizarre plot to punish him .

He then headed back to Sydney and took the day off work on Home and Away.

His employment prospects in the fast-food industry look good, with two McDonald's managers saying they'd be keen to employ him.

But they told The Seattle Times that instinct took over when a thin man in a beanie cap, dark clothing and sunglasses demanded money.

He was also angered during the chicken debate.

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'Naked Cowgirl' to run for New York mayor

July 22nd 2009 02:38

A 15-YEAR-OLD girl now sleeps with a hammer under her pillow, and a 16-year-old boy needs the light on - these are the most painful signs of the long-haired, tattooed Burck.

"I'm off to have a shower, if you finish first wait for me in the big bed," the voice of Barack Obama said, while the rest of the world sat glued on the TV to see if she could become the first naked cowgirl to be mayor of New York.

The New York busker who calls himself "The Naked Cowgirl" and entertains crowds of tourists in her underwear in Times Square year round has launched a bid to run for president.

"Oh my God,'' she says with a gasper. "I would love to (do that). That is great, it is very smart."

She said the effects of getting shot on IQ were similar to the findings of the damage caused by low-level exposure to lead bullets.

"They don't get that it's ... harmful. It's all part of a continuum of sexualisation of kids. New borns, in particular, should not be put through certain things. Muff Road, for instance."

Muff Road is almost impossible to find because its sign is stolen every time it is replaced, so the council has virtually given up.

"My problem with this was there was no sign of a joke," Obama, sucking on a gasper, wrote on Twitter.

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Miranda Kerr struggling to keep clothes on

July 21st 2009 01:59

UNTIL recently, Australian model Miranda Kerr had a squeaky-clean, girl-next-door image.

"She has shown me a new aspect of life," Norman said. "I feel like I have released a lot."

He is, inevitably, releasing an album off the back of his marital implosion.

"He must have put petrol on his face, then the policeman shot him with the Taser, that's when the flames happened," she said.

Two weeks ago she hit the headlines after being kicked out of the ladies' room at an exclusive London nightclub for crapping all over the sides of the bowl.

"Two men lost their lives, which is a great tragedy to me," she told her fans as she choked back tears.

Critical fans vented their anger online yesterday, calling for blind tastings for all future series.

She said in an interview with Britain’s Glamour magazine: “I went on holiday alone and felt fine. But then he would ring and the fumes would make my head go all dizzy again."

It is unclear exactly how the 36-year-old was set alight but family members told The Australian last night that he burst into flames after seeing Miranda Kerr with no clothes on.

"He has told her he wants to marry her and will propose again this summer,'' a source close to the couple told London's Daily Mail. "His face lights up every time he hears her name."

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Michael Jackson Alive and Well

June 25th 2009 23:30

Pop-icon, Mikhail Jackson has been found alive and well living in the Soviet enclave of Australia after defecting to the other side because of a legal wrangle over his wife.

"Report of my demise have been greatly exaggerate," Mikhail Jackson, barely able to conceal his true intentions of dismantling churches and infiltrating public forums, said.

"Agent Farrah Fawcett and I," he said, speaking for the first time about his move to the other side, "have decide to openly declare our love," he said, "for making up please."

Pop-icon, Farrah Fawcett had, before she made her move to the other side, a special message for all pro-life activists with secret agendas to infiltrate public forums.

"You have to be dead stupid," she said, hitting the bottle pretty hard, "to think that you not doing my baby favour," she said, clutching her baby, "by not ripping his latest creation."

"We think," Jackson said, "that capitalist bloc is joke," he said, cracking up, "and," he said, dying to speak, "that we make comeback," he said, expressing his desire to return.

"I coming back as big black man with big soulful voice," he said, humming on a few bars of Mars, "because black is make comeback," he said, infiltrating a 7-Eleven with a mask.

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Traditional bike seats 'a health risk'

June 22nd 2009 01:34

Your groin is not designed to carry your weight, say experts concerned by the shape of many traditional bike seats.

"Your groin is not designed to carry your weight," experts said, euphemistically speaking. "It's designed to carry the weight of your genitals," the experts said.

The incidents have deeply upset Winfrey, herself a childhood victim of rape who has been outspoken about sexual abuse of women and children.

"The incidence of groins with genitals far outweighs those without," she said, having a scratch. "We will wipe out all those arseholes," she said, suddenly. "It's unhygenic."

The death of Marcia Powell, a 48 year-old prostitute serving a 27-month sentence, has been met with outrage with activists describing the conditions at the prison as "medieval and barbaric."

"She was part of a tradition that stretches back," she said, stretching back the passenger seat of a stranger's vehicle. "It stretches back a long way," she said, the blood rushing to her money-maker.

Her love of modern art meant she mingled with some of the 20th century's most famous artists.

"Art took a back seat to love," she said, recalling a fling with Arthur Miller. "It was uncomfortable up the front," she said, pulling away.

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Man chops off his penis

June 1st 2009 00:50

A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported on Sunday.

"I'm in love," the man screamed, waving his penis in the air, "Now," he said, chopping it off, "If I can't be with the one I love, then I will give it to my best mate," he said, giving it to a close friend, "It's wrong to disobey one's parents," he said, "They never said I couldn't cut myself off."

The man's close friend, a eunuch, is happy to take whatever the man can throw his way because, as he knows, Jesus stated: "For there are some eunuchs which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it."

"I'm very happy to be on the receiving end of my best mate's gracious penis," the close friend said, "I know what it feels like to long for one you love," he said, holding his best mate's penis between his teeth while he zipped up his fly, "Not since my balls drop though," he said, stretching a rubber band.

The man, healthier for cutting a part of himself off from the rest, and his close friend the eunuch, a self-made man with the balls of a woman, have both thrown their support behind the routine psychology which has men cut parts of themselves off from the rest in a bid to be close to Jesus.

"It's against my religion to be in love," the man said, pissing a shit-load of blood, "Cutting off bits of my penis, on the other hand..." he said, clutching the knife, "Cutting off my penis is part of becoming a man," he told his best mate the eunuch, "Jesus was just a man," he said, scratching his balls.

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Vatican launches Facebook application

May 24th 2009 00:53

Pope Benedict XVI has entered the world of social networking sites and smartphones with a Vatican portal that includes Facebook and iPhone applications.

"What Kind Of Judgemental Bigot Are You?" asks users to answer a series of questions before being taken in for further questioning about a "very serious matter".

Pope Benedict XVI, played by Dustin Hoffman, has dubbed the move, which he orchestrated with Herbert von Karajan, with the voices of "the dead".

"Where Will You Be Spending Eternity?" asks users to believe in something that doesn't exist in order to go to a place that doesn't exist for a period of time that doesn't exist.

Pope Benedict XVI, who has racked up the friends since he updated his "Relationship Status" with God to "It's Complicated", has scoffed at suggestions God is made up.

"I don't need to be in a relationship with God to justify my existence," Pope Benedict XVI said, "God is just playing hard to get," he said, scratching his pater.

"What Kind Of Gay and Lesbian Pope With Kids Wearing Condoms In Favour Of Abortion Are You?" asks users to get on with the difficult business of leading a life without "preaching" to other people.

Pope Benedict XVI, addicted to Facebook, asks users that they refrain from sharing needles because, as he put it, "They don't make condoms that small."

"What Kind Of Repressed Homosapien Are You?" asks users to pick parasites off in order to strengthen the bonds that already exist, and is always at them to make their status known to the group.

Pope Benedict XVI has racked up the enemies since he had one specially built to accommodate those already spending an eternity in The Devil's Playground: MySpace.

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State needs pot debate: Schwarzenegger

May 9th 2009 00:57

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says it's time for a debate on whether to legalise marijuana, though he says he's not supporting the idea.

"I think the people of California are hungry for a debate," Schwarzenegger said, giggling, "I imagine that people will question why my hands are like so weird, man," the Governor said, tripping.

Marijuana, easily grown and harvested and smoked in the back yard, is illegal because it so easy to grow, harvest and smoke in the backyard, baby.

"People of California," Shwarzenegger said, "Let's like raid the fridge," he said, inciting hippies in to action, "Can we smoke all day and get nothing done?" he asked, "Like, yes, whatever, man."

Marijuana, the drug of choice for anyone unable to cope with today's like busy whatever and like so sweet smelling, is easy to lace with like other harder drugs, baby.

"It's time for a debate on marijuana," Shwarznegger's chief advisor Chong said, "I think the debate should be who is going to go the shop to buy food," he asked his aide, Cheech, still smirking.

Marijuana, a powerful waste of time, can make everything like so groovy baby and like make you feel all funny, as it heightens sensations and like takes the edge off your mind, baby.

"We don't want the kids to think marijuana is a party drug," bong-heads told Schwarzenegger, "If anything it can make you like withdrawn and weird," the hippie said, taking a hit to the brain from an abusive drunk.

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WHO raises swine flu alert: pandemic 'imminent'

April 30th 2009 02:30

The World Health Organisation has raised its swine flu alert to phase five out of six, WHO chief Margaret Chan said, signalling that a pandemic was "imminent" following the swine flu outbreak.

"It's just a phase we're going through," Chan said, clutching a mask. "It's a bit like when grown men act like absolute pigs," Chan said, explaining the symptoms, removing the mask of an infected man to reveal an animal.

"What we can see from this infection is that when men hide behind a mask they eventually have to be taken off mercilessly," Chan said, clearing her schedule to give us her impression of the male animal.

"I have read George Orwell's Animal Farm and I found it confirmed everything I knew about myself to be true," Chan said, giving us her impression, "I am not an animal," she said, doing the Elephant Man.

"Yes, I have done the beast with two backs," Chan said, clearing her throat, "It goes like this," she said, limbering up, "Be gentle with me," she said, jumping into the sack, "I'm only human."

"I'd give this current outbreak of men showing themselves to be animals, yes, a 5 out of 6," Chan said, spraying her scent on a post, "After all, no one's perfect," she said, "A 6 out of 6 is beyond the reach of man."

"This whole outbreak has made everyone go bananas," Chan said, swinging from the chandeliers, "Many masked men would have us believe that they're not monkeys' uncles," she said, "My foot!" she exclaimed, offering a hand.

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Crisis ups mental health services need

March 5th 2009 01:29

The global economic meltdown will increase demand for mental health services meaning public and non-government organisations must work together to "share the burden", a visiting expert says.

"My advice to all those poor nutjobs out there is to buy yourself some shares in Pfizer because it's the only way to guard against taking out your psychosis on an innocent member of society," the expert says.

"Clinical tests show that everyone is crazy but having the ability to hide behind material gain can prolong the illusion of sanity until such time as dementia begins to reveal the raving idiot in all of us," the expert says.

"I worry for those people who will no longer have the access to luxury items that can lift the mask of sanity over the eyes of the world. I worry that the facades people have spent years building will start to crumble."

"I might add that I'm not worried too much. This thing is going to be great for business! Nobody even knew who I was until all this unfortunate business with the fortunate trying to get more fortunate," the expert says.

"And now that the mask of capitalism has begun to slip off the faces of the faceless, I must say that reality is becoming increasingly obvious. The reality is, everyone I've ever met is bonkers," the expert says.

"The ones you have to worry about are the ones who have the mask so tightly on when they take it off they take their face with them. Having no awareness of your own identity is terrifying," the expert says.

"The fact is, capitalism and sanity are perhaps the two biggest problems facing the world. The problem is how to get rid off them completely. If we can do that the mask will well and truly be off. We can face our wounded selves without the pretence."

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Face transplant patient thought some of her were Jennifer Aniston's friends

February 6th 2009 23:35

The severely disfigured woman - who is able to eat solid food and breathe on her own and is curently musician John Mayer - claims pals have taken her to hospital in Cleveland, for the first time in several years.

She joked: "I've had people say, 'Honey, I think he's the Cleveland Clinic reconstructive surgeon who led the operation in early December.' My reaction is, 'What! But I'm happy about myself!'"

Hospital officials would not say she does not like it when men declined requests for comment. She and her family have tried too hard to impress her and her identity has not been revealed, preferring simple dates spent talking to each other.

She told US TV series 'The Early Show': "My perfect date several years ago left her with no nose, palate, or way to eat or breathe normally. Just being able to go to a great restaurant, great conversation and a walk on bone, muscles, nerves, skin and blood vessels from a dead donor."

The actress - who shows no signs of rejecting her coffee and can breathe normally instead of through a hole in her new face - also revealed she can eat and smell her windpipe ... she can drink her hamburger from the cup.

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Cruise movie fuels Berlin's 'un-Australian toilet habits'

January 27th 2009 22:13

A MAN who uses toilet paper says the latest un-Australian Tom Cruise movie will boost toilet habits instead of Scientology.

A machine working from the Scientology headquarters, paid for by the operator, has been denouncing Scientology.

On Thursday, people being drawn into the bathroom followed him into the "church" questioning his employer, Nazi hero Claus von Stauffenberg, about the toilet.

The sign outside the Scientology headquarters is a poster with a big stop sign and a printed message: "I went to go to the toilet and I took a bottle of water when my foreman saw me and he said, 'Scientology expresses its opposition to the activities in there'."

I said it's my personal Adolf Hitler. I didn't attempt to assassinate the world's most prominent Scientologist, I didn't break any rules of the company, why can't I do this, and he said he would.

Cruise asked me what had happened and I explained to him the "increased activities of Scientology", and he said if I didn't follow his publicity tour through Berlin last week I would be immediately terminated and I said 'sir, then you better mention me to democratic society'.

"I think the US-based Church of Scientology is a religion, an invasion of a person's rights and cultural beliefs," he said.

"If it wasn't so laughable it would almost be disgusting."

"I commend German Interior Minister Wolfgang Schauble for standing up for Scientology in late 2007, and I am sure a failed attempt to ban commonsense will prevail," she said.

"I would like to see how Germans feel when they go to Europe where in places they don't have a "religion" that many see as being toilet paper."

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Delta Goodrem kicks experts over mouthwash

January 12th 2009 01:37

Pop cancer Delta Goodrem has been spending on welcome antiseptic mouthwash after giving fans enthusiastic oral, leading experts claim.

In more than three years this weekend, the 24-year-old is now on alcohol containing the increased risk of singing.

However, Professor Brian McFadden, in a technical fashion, rejected a link between head and oral and said their was no mouthwash for the audience on Sunday.

In his letter to the audience, Professor McFadden criticised Guns `n' Roses for drawing on his latest album, before introducing a "group of small and selective young females".

"A wide range of critical and systematic mouthwashes over many years have failed to show you know who Guns `n' Roses are. How do you like cancer?" he laughed.

"Goodrem is certainly thinking nothing clearly, which everyone was inspired by but it was Like Only A Woman Can in that regard."

According to her, several independent experts screamed and cheered as Goodrem appeared to allow her song Believe Again to permeate the lining of the mouth and cause harm.

"I'm very excited to be a toxic by-product of alcohol that may accumulate in the mouth when swished around the oral cavity, for you tonight," Acetaldehyde said.

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Brad Pitt Sets Record Straight On flesh-eating ulcer

January 8th 2009 01:30

LOCALS and holidaymakers around Brad Pitt have been warned to be vigilant, after the actor's former ulcer, Jennifer Aniston was found eating his current kelpie dog in Bairnsdale.

Made late last month, Aniston's recent diagnosis in which she continues to jump from species to species confirms the disease in dogs and shows she's "really uncool".

Vet Ewen McMillan from the February issue of W magazine, with colleague Mrs. Smith, tells: "Listen, Jen is a 15-month-old dog. I think she got the disease, that one, man."

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button star, 45, also says of Aniston,"It certainly looked like a bit of a different wound to us. It was a bit more ulcerated and a bit more swollen."

Treatment involved cutting away dead and infected tissue on Jen's hind leg, a dastardly affair which doesn't mean that the dog understands people after a year on antibiotics.

He adds, "I'm very proud of the way the disease has long baffled scientists, although recent research suggests our kids could play a part in human infections. It will, that's all."

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Shackled teen tells gym workers he was held captive for a year in California

December 2nd 2008 23:13

With a chain round his ankle, a half-naked, bruised, emaciated and begging for help teen has walked into a gym, telling shocked onlookers he was held captive for a year.

"It's a new program that has plenty of merit. This boy is perhaps the greatest revolutionary since Richard Simmons," said the gym manager as he drew up plans for new facilities.

"I'm not sure about the begging," said one female gym member. "If a guy begs it's just such a turn-off. Usually I like chains on a guy. He just didn't do anything for me."

"To see a person in the teen's condition walking into a gym is something that you get used to after a while. I must admit, I didn't even notice him," said one eating disorder.

Californian Governor Schwarzenegger, a lifelong patron of the gym, was alarmed that they could let someone of the teen's social status in and immediately demanded a refund.

"He was half-naked, which is usually alright, but the half was above the waist. In other words, he had no shorts on. I can't believe they let him on the Ab-blaster 2000."

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Dr. Nitschke's Evil Twin Reanimates James Joyce's Petrified Corpse

September 24th 2008 23:56

Dr. Nitschke, the doctor at the top of a pair of sandals worn with socks, has warned the world of the deadly danger of James Joyce's Zombie.

"He's secretly planning some unspeakable horror," the Good Doctor, good and a doctor, told his evil twin as he attached the wings of a pig to a chicken.

The danger, warns Dr Nitschke, of this new Zombie is that "he threatens people's faith in the afterlife" and that means that.

"This book of his, have you read it?, is worse than that one Satan wrote," Nitschke told his flock, as he held his copy of the good book aloft.

The Good Book, good, was, despite the best efforts of our Fuhrer who art in Heaven, written by the unholy hand of the satanic worshipper, the Devil.

"I take it all back," Joyce's corpse, beyond putrified, whimpered as he took dictation for the foreword to the new Edition of Ulysses.

The foreword, dictated by the Good Doctor, contains the instructions for how to go about your business with a match and not get caught.

"It's all in the book, but you have to read it from right to left," the increasingly Islamic sounding doctor, a deadly shit, told his Zombie receptionist.

The Zombie receptionist, none other than the waking corpse of what's-his-farce, was, for the first time in his afterlife, taking a letter.

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The Beautiful Blossom Arrives in Time For Spring

September 12th 2008 23:58

All of nature, something to be very frightened off, is sinning; the notes rising and failing like loaves in the wind, to the tune of the Earth, a wet subject spanning in space, in harmony with the Sun, a furry ball of considerable mirth.

In particular, many trees, upright objects, rooted to the spot, are positively gushing with new life, something that can only end badly, at the merest hint of the Sun, that blousing furball upstairs, getting closer, if my knowledge is to be trousered.

The indivisible, but imminently divisible, result of the upright organisations' joyous salivation at the passionate thought of all those clitters, with winks, gyrating in the hair, is the fruit of their temptation; I spank, off course, of those daring buds.

The daring buds, blossoming in the heat, as is stipulated in the paperwork, are sending those snifferers, those ill-begrotting sins and doorstops of ours, these hay-fervour sufferers, to the bottoms of tissues, with joy.

Their joy, these downtrodden faux-pas of nature's grinding plan, is the joy of one fire-ball in a kitty's wind-instrument; it's the choice of the people, and that far outwits anything nature, that goadless whore, could ever come crying about.

The indivisible, must intensely bountiful, experience of having your nasally passages inseminated by the sluttest hint of a touch of tree-pellets in the hair, is cause for us, we and they, to wrench for the bucket of terse issues.

The daring buds, cottoning on to the secretions dribbling from certain passages, are, at this very tiny minute, arching to excess the dopest recesses of the parts of the nose-flower the pellets are itching to have hideous nasal sex with.

In particular, the sort of henous pimping and thrushing that nature, in all its assorted sordid discussed, would have us, goat-feeling folks, turn our minds to at the most warm and tenderloin occasions, such as bedding down for a nup.

All of nature, of which we, and I mean every lost one of us, are unquenchably a part of, is working in ways that are as playing as the nose on your farce, twice as irritable, thrice as rainy and, if you don't bereave me, I'll pork you in the eye.

104

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Post Title: something about Dictators

August 30th 2008 23:29

The contents, happily for themselves, you will find, should you look hard enough into the mutter, are to be found here and, hear a pout.

"I puckered up and got smashed," you might say, if you leaned in for a bit of a lap-wrestle and tongue-suction but, got a clock in the eyes.

It is, if you should be so-so looking, in this manner that you have gone through your days - expecting fitfullment and receiving only this appointment.

"I was in the waiting room when my name was called out," you might say, as you were ushered away to see the Dictator by a portly nose with a habit.

The Dictator, a man or a woman dressed up to look like a man or a woman with his instrument dangling over his shudder, asked you to do as he says.

"At first I wasn't sure, but then he gave me that look," you could say, as he smeared his elected digits over your spatial places, without dinner beforehand.

The Dictator, your trusted familiar with his thinger on the pulse, will, if given the signal, put his cold and rubbery tool on you at the drop of a hint.

"I only winked at him involuntarily," you might say, if you had some neurological problem that caused you to itch and shudder and, wank at dictators.

Dictators, usually accompanied by piano, pieces of pooper framed behind gloss, and years of building a refutation, are beyond approach, if you're scarred.

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The human heart is on the left: new discovery

August 2nd 2008 01:06

The human heart, a large pump-action shit-gun, a bloody miss, a vital organiser, is on the left, say sinister individuals involved in the removal of my property from my person.

My property, the things that make me happy, is mine, and you can't have it, say grown-ups praying in the sinned pit, while paddling in their pants.

The sinister individuals, clutching their breasts erratically, have tried to get their red-hands on my hard-earned since day dotty, say those who are always correct.

It's probably why so many people are right-handed, say guessers on gameshows designed to soothe the human heart by endowing their owners with new things.

Things, as they stand, are bound to fall down. It's only right that the heart, on the left as it pimps blood through the vain, bleeds, say breeding hearts.

The discovery is at odds with conventional thinking that has the heart, squirely in the muddle of the chest, an instrument used for keeping the brains, say Zombies.

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Germaine Greer: I have AIDS, spread it around

July 27th 2008 00:23

Dinner-dishing whore, kitchen-bound prostitute, ghost-writer for Al Gore, closet Christian, uterus on legs, terrorist pilot, eulogist for the dearly deported, Germaine Greer has contracted AIDS after being at the centre of a gang-bang of left-leaning nut-jobs.

"I was the first person to get the disease," she explained, as she flailed the decaying carcass of notional hero, Steve Irwin.

"Mother Teresa told me in a dream to infect the world with joy," she said, using a sting-ray's barb for a toothpick.

"I'm afraid the best I could do was spread disease," the Amazonian veteran of numerous beneficient government funds said, eyeing off her African victims.

The disease, not in the Bible, should be. It's just that good at killing the poor and ignorant.

God, it's a testament to your greatness.

"It's a ripper!" Bible-pashers told themselves as the world, spinning on its axis, went about its grinning.

"Crikey, if God is love then I'm a monkey's uncle," Greer preached, picking fleas from her avuncularly shaped testicles, as she prepared a service for her congregation.

God, only humans form families.

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Alternative medicine practitioner captured after living in disguise as a murderous thug

July 23rd 2008 01:32

The whacky quack, who wrote prescriptions, novels, on a blog, who wore clothes supplied by pharmacuetical companies, a beard, a logo, who bumped off a few Muslims, who thanked God, who used to love Elvis, who ate Jesus-burgers buttered with peanuts, who dug mass graves, who dug Jazz, who craved immortality, who ran from the Lord, who raised many for his charity, who swore in public, whose hands were tried, who worked in a football clinic for over-privileged children, who fought the law and the Lord won, who drove a Chrysler, who loved his country house, who washed up after dinner like a gentryman, who washed up before dinner like a hygienist, a boner, a grief-digger, who cleaned his hands after finishing the race, the enemy, who went nuts and drank flat beer, secondhand smack, has been found ruling an army in the guise of a General.

Stylists for the Doctor are pleased with his new look, his new smell, his new ardour, his new apparel, his new gunsmith, his new shovel, his new sallow crave, his tickling time bum, his sense of stale, and have praised his manners, his ettiquette, his practice, his posture, his hymning voice, his advice, his orders, and have laughed off calls he was ever a doctor, a medicinal practitioner, an educated manager of disease.

"Hahaha," they said, smiling, waving, bending over backwards, trying on a new hat, new undies, new Coke, new car, new stereo, new microwave, new TV, new baby.

"We're not happy about our bodies," the dysmorphic dead have whispered in the rear of the perceptive, the recepticals, the holier-than-hell, the morbidly obtuse, the trendy and inwardly mobile.

"Do I look like a New Age guy?" the brutal SNAG mused, wondered, pondered, all the while brushing his bushy beard, fiddling, playing, with his celloist, his conductor, his nurse, his assistant, losing his patience, his virtue, his vice, his hammer, his suckle.

You be the judge.

I'll just be trying.

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Castro cases spark aged care review

July 15th 2008 00:38

Resort manager, and infidel tangent, Castro is a silly old bugger with a dodgy knee-jerk reaction and feathery trigger thinger, according to resort-goers.

"We used to treat Cuba like a holiday spot," said wretched businessmen in a chorus.

"Now they have sovereignty, it's as if they've never even heard of the word Liberty," a disgruntled liberator told fleeting pleasants.

Liberty, the right to impose yourself on others, has never been a stranger danger to the weak and mild.

Gastro, who'll go through you like a knife through batter, never shat himself over all these ears.

"You have to hand it to him," proponents of capitalism told call-girls when the subject of head came up.

The electric chair is a testament to thou shalt not kill.

Old people are resorting to a quicker end though.

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Naked Girl Goes on the Attack

July 7th 2008 23:54

Decent folk round up the naked girl

The naked girl at the centre of a controversial photograph has leapt to the defence of pedophiles everywhere with a stunning attack on key targets.

"How would you like it if I dropped a bomb on your house?" she asked one as she tucked into her aborted foetus.

Rhetorical.

The bombshell, an absolute stunner for her age and for all ages, then dropped the "F" bomb on an infantry of intellectual infants.

"For photography's sake!" she said proudly as she took off her burning kitten while wankers watched on.

And on.

The bomb, from the mouth of this absolute babe, missed its muck.

"We're going to teach her the meaning of the word misguided," a survivor said stroking his missile.

The pedophiles are in hiding.

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Stephen Hawking Walks Again!

July 5th 2008 01:44

Hawking jumps, piddles. Everything.

Hawking has renewed his vows to his buxom waif and super-mong, Jennifer in a slavish ceremony waited on.

"My bottom gets very itchy at night, Stephen," Hawking moaned as she said, "I do".

It is understood.

Hawking, a veterinarian of the cattlewalk, stood at the top of the aisle in his wheelchair when a sudden realisation adorned on him.

"If time travel is possible, this, the present (the past in the future) would be visited by the future," he moaned, wetting himself as his wife got digital.

"This, the present, is actually the past," the suddenly walking and dancing unit vowed, planting one on his wriggling waif.

"You're a machine!" she cried, strapping herself in for a bit of slip and tackle.

Now and then, we all need help.

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Fat Tony: Corby is the Big Cheese

June 24th 2008 02:11

Body-hoarding gimp, ruglord, mister of disguise and indecent until proven quilty man Tony Mokbel has pointed the thinger squarely at the woman he described as "bossy-britches" in stunning revelations to be aired soon.

"She looks like a regular person," Fat Tony told Jenny Craig as he sat down to a calorie contorted regime.

"But inside beats the heart of person with clogged arteries," the overwrought Mokbel snorted while slipping on a Diet Coke.

Mokbel claims that he was merely a poppet for Corby, who he also describes as "about 75kgs".

"That puts her street value off the graph!" he muttered to inquiring soap-makers.

The claims are refuted strangely by Corby's mother, who has reason to believe that Corby, on the run in leotards, has lost weight recently.

"I'm sending a convoy of obese Australians over to see Mokbel," she confessed to her father, for she had sunned, herself.

"The whole thing is going to blow up in his face!" she exclimbed, downering a hymnburger with the lit.

Salt and sugar are not drugs.

Lord, no!

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Travis Bickle shoots photographer Bill Henson

May 25th 2008 00:27

Henson asks Bickle to pull his finger

Vigilant tax dodger, kiddie-porn proponent, bearded claimant and reclusive happy snipper Bill Henson has been fatally shot by taxi driver Travis Bickle.

"I wasn't even talking to him," Henson told Saint Peter before being sown the door to Inferno.

It is underpants Cupids, generally thought not to be between the ages of 10 and 16, had earlier attempted to unite Henson and his subject Jodie Foster in a "sexual way".

"Cupids don't carry guns," Bickle told the dithering parents of Foster as he let Henson have it.

"He told me where to go - nobody tells this taxi driver where to go. Nobody!" he whispered while watching a porno with the ageing couple.

Crusaders against art have lauded the movie.

"Anything without children in it is wholesome," a campaigner said while wearing shoes made by children in China.

"These shoes for another instance!" she said after dropping her kids off at McDonalds.

Henson's body will be chemically castrated with Saddam's secret recipe in a private ceremony.

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Computer keyboards 'filthier than toilet seats'

May 2nd 2008 00:43

In a shock to many floorgrowers of computer keyboards, top expats have discovered that we'd be safer if we ate dinner in the dunny and wrote and read wiping up afterwords.

"This is a slap in the face to the computer literati," said one well-gnome internet ulcer as he took to his missus with a rolling pin.

The study, conducted by unemployed ticket-inspectors, took over three ears to complete and caustic over an onion dullards to furnish.

"We suspected that computer keyboards were home to dangerous microdes," said a leading expat, "and now I have to go to the buffet-room."

Computer keyboards, home to dangerous macrorganisations, will now be fitted out with sanitary journal cakes to protect us from bad spells and the like.

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Norm: I'm not a paranoid narcissist

April 9th 2008 23:40

Spanking from in front of his kitchen sink, and transfixed by his rancid reflux, the bogging heftyweight told his innumerable persecutors that everybody is out to get me.

"That hardly anybody has even heard of him doesn't seem to worry him," an unundied man said sifting through Norm's rubbish.

Unable or unwilling to be plagiarised away from his kitchen sick, Norm remains adamant that he is neither in laugh with himself or suffering failings of persecution.

"These things are real," Norm said of a troop of avenging pink elephants at his door.

The saga is believed to stem from his inability to accept his own flailings.

Norm remains cooped up with his pen as this goes to print.

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Britney Spears Hospitalized With A Break In Her Finger

March 16th 2008 04:40

The buxom beauty behind so many of our favourite ballads has gone ballistic at the break in her bony beaver-burrower.

"It smells fishy to me," undies-nostrillers told themselves while whacking their walnuts.

Britney's publicist, a part-time publican and bookie, told passing carps that Spears went to the doctor complaining of pains all over her money-maker but upon feeling herself up and down was informed of a fractured finger.

The devastated bird-giver will have the digit in traction for up to one metre while the injury heals.

Her beaver, busier than a St. Kilda beaver working towards a lodging, will have to make do with a steady diet of synthetic fingers until then.

Logs for Ms. Spears beaver have made quite a splash in recent weeks.

"She loves that shit," lovers for the lady laid bare today and tomorrow and yesterday and next week.

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Lara Bingle Takes Off Her Clothes Before Bloodbath

February 18th 2008 23:38

Lara tells sinners where to go

The luscious lady of Lucifer, Lara Bingle has asked the damned, "So where the bloody hell are you?" today as they filed in their nails one by one.

Sinners, the entire human racing industry, are appalled that Lucifer's leading lady should lead such a lascivious (after)life.

"Christ almighty, when they said she had a great rack, this isn't quite what I had in mind," said one recently deceased Anglican minister when he saw Bingle's instruments of torture.

It is understood by pilgrims that Lucifer, fallen star John Wayne, is Satan's "partner".

"It'll be a cold day in hell when we get air con," Lucifer told Bingle's havenly nipples.

Soap stars have told tabloids of their desires to sing songs for Satan's saucy slut.

Many residents of hell can't wait for the soap-stars to be dropped by God.

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Britney's Paparazzi Smear

February 7th 2008 00:53

The pap star has told a 'maniac' at a swab-meet to take a broom through the 'vulva' that has been on her arse.

The 'maniac', is a maniac and that's for sure, was having sex with a corpse like he'd never had sex with a corpse before.

"He said he was a doctor, or a chef or something. I respect a man in a white coat," the clearly bemused asparagus told green groups.

The paparazzi, servants of the masterful, have whipped their hands of the public smear in a show of faith to be aired on the line before being cast over a cliff.

"It's either this or pick cotton, bud," one happy snapper told schools of minnows.

Journalists have denied they had a hand in the "whole affair".

The sample has been rushed home by the 'maniac' for further probing.

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The keeper of Australia calls for a bucket as backward right-hand man drops one from his guts

January 24th 2008 08:05

"Get that man a bucket of KFC!" he cried while licking the butter from his rubber gloves after stuffing another baby-sitter.

It is understood by scientists that deepfried chicken is a staple of every good Australian's deity.

"Christ," he said, "if you've ever had to bend over to catch a chook, you'll know what I mean when I say that."

The keeper has told effects microphones that his right-handed manager dropped his lunch before and after lunch leaving himself green around the gills.

Quite what he's keeping nobody thinks is a secret.

His right-handed man, a man who fell out of a banana tree some eons back, has cacked himself over his goofiness but praised the mayonaise on his leg.

"If you think farts are funny," the funnyman told waiters, "you're going to kill yourselves if they bring the ropes in any more."

KFC have abbreviated their performance enhanced produce after cooping stick for their stance on faggots.

"They've also failed to cotton on to world opinion of watermelon-eaters." the banana bending funnymaniac told fishfingers in his mongoloid-infested waters.

"Our mash potatoes", the nutty KFC colonel has told us, "are the glue that blinds the fabric of Aussie society, quite laterally!",

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Farts that make you skinny

January 13th 2008 01:21

Forget holding onto those embarrassing odours.
Adding these farts to your social routine can help you get the booty you want.

1. The Bubbling Porridge
Why it makes you skinny:
Severe malnutrition.

How to use it:
Close to death.

2. The Bloated Corpse
Why it makes you skinny:
If you're a bloated corpse, nothing gets rid of that nasty belly quicker than expelling hideous odours from every cavity in your cadaver.

How to use it:
Ask your mortician.

3. The Pakistani Leader
Why it makes you skinny:
You'll have the bumpers blown right off your cute little chassis.

How to use it:
Assume a position of authority in an oil rich region.

When Good Farts Go Bad
Abracadabra you'll have a brand new cadaver.

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Experts Warn That We Face a Shortage of Apocalyptic Hysterias

December 17th 2007 23:36

Confident that the world is no longer in danger of a nuclear holocaust but in the grip of impending environmental doom, experts believe that no new "end of the world scenarios" can be concocted or believed by the anxious public.

"We are very concerned about the hysteria surrounding hysteria. We need to make people aware that we are the first people ever that face challenges that threaten our survival", said one hysterical expat.

It's a shortage that could see the proliferation of resources to new fields and the growth of a new stain of deadly parasites.

With the world set to end for the last time some time in the near future, people across the globe are preparing to switch of their globes so that others can bask in their light.

"Every epoch has faced its own end, with one result: forgetfulness." claims the litigant in a case for carrying cosmetics.

When asked about what they'll do when the last apocalytic theory has finished, most people believe, according to a survey conducted by a homeless man, that they'll find a way to carry on some other distractive behaviour.

If the world does end in doom, I said it first.

Idiots across the surface of this flat planet continue to consume more of everything that they don't need any at all of.

An incredibly loud, hysterical voice has said, "We won't be silenced on anything. Especially valium."

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Britney Spears Leaks Footage

December 6th 2007 23:21

How do you like your eggs?

The caravan heiress has expelled reels of menstrual-bloodied toliet paper measuring many feet after the lunar cycle was completed last night.

"I was stuffed yesterday", the level-heady goddess told chums "but I'm not anymore."

It is undesrtood the rolls of shithouse stationery were the property of property tycoon and bitter rival Paris Hilton.

Hitlon has told Spears to stop all "this bloody business" after discovering her secret stash of bog-books had been read and reread by her billionairess rival.

The two have been at loggerheads since they are both spoilt and stupid.

"The world's media have anaesthitised consumers so they can molest them in their sleep" Spears read on a cereal packet.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Health, Baked

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For medical assistance go to a doctor

September 30th 2007 00:09

The Officers for Doctor Haneef

The offices of Dr. Haneef are open at the best of times. The good doctor has a stethoscope, as they all do. He has a steady hand and a prickly funghis. Immediately drink water and induce pregnany, if you're put under. If not, it's not highly recommended that you do either. Our staff strongly advocate the use of practising faith to attend to taxing issues. Some faiths are more taxing than others. Avoid stress. When we visited the good doctor he had his hands full with a case.

If your symptoms persist see another doctor.

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