How to be fabulous
October 29th 2009 21:55
Corby says that you can't go past stripes
Most of us know how to live but not how to live well. There is a world of difference between the two — and the difference is drugs. It is better than beauty, brains and billions in the bank and it's never too late to acquire it, says convicted drug mule Schapelle Corby and political failure Natasha Stott Despoja.
WAYS TO SHINE
Use imagination in all you do
Say you've just farted in a public place. See that elderly man you're wheeling around in a shopping trolley? In front of you. Look disapprovingly at him as you turn up your face to people you pass by. Kick once. Repeat.
Rise above things
When people come at you with a kitchen knife. Let's say your neglected children. Grab their hair and press your thumbs into their eye sockets. Do this until their screams fill your house with laughter. Yours.
Dress to feel good
Wrap yourself in your work. By that, we mean packets of cannabis.
Put your faith in the classics
A few cones followed by a case of beer. Followed by the first thing. Whack on some trackie dacks to get a packet of chips. Forget what you left the house for. Forget where you live. Get lost. Crash your car for the night.
Maintain your standards
Never don't get absolutely shit-faced in front of someone you've got the hots for. I'll never forget when I was blind sober with my dad. Lucky for me, my aunty never found out. I never would have got in her pants if she had caught a whiff of carbon dioxide on me. She had left her pants in my dad's bed.
Don't try too hard
If a bloke thinks you've put pants on just for him he'll think your easy. If you hear someone trying to break in through a window, don't bother with the pants. It's probably that really hot 14 year-old you like. Your nephew's half-brother's dad.
Aim for a compliment a day
Even if it's just pinching chocolate bars from the video store, tell your kids what mum always told you. SHUT UP, YOU!
Australian Style, by Schappelle Corby and Natasha Stott Despoja, is published by Penguin/Lantern and is out today, $3.95. Present your five finger discount and get in trouble with the law, again.
| 31 |
| Vote |
subscribe to this blog
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
this is such great advice
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
there are no garbage bins at Central Station, Sydney
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
i cant believe i have to resort to correcting my own factual errors, i feel so overworked
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power