IOC announces Rock, Paper, Scissors as An Official Sport For 2012 Games
October 27th 2008 09:46
The IOC has delivered stunning news to fans of fist-sports everywhere by officially announcing the 2012 Games as the first to feature a fist-sport: Rock, Paper, Scissors.
"Keen masturbators everywhere have waited a long time for this news. We're going to need a few minutes. Alone, please," a fist-sport spokesman told the world's waiting media.
The sport of Rock, Paper, Scissors is believed to have been invented in Iran by shepherds after they ran out of short straws and had to compete over the only camel.
The official fist-book on the great sport tells us:
The sport is played between two and sees the fists, white-knuckled, made into either a Rock which beats Scissors but loses to Paper, Scissors which beats Paper but loses to Rock, or Paper which beats Rock but loses to Scissors.
The sport is played over three or five or seven or nine or eleven or thirteen or any odd number up to infinity until one of the players wins more than the other by two.
There are matches still being played between families that have gone on since before the time of Jesus and may go on until someone drops the bomb, considered endgame in some circles.
The sport is the greatest thing a person can do with their fists other than slam it down onto a table and is much more or less preferable to other indoor-fist-sports.
"More than anything else, this sport, a great occasion for all who still have hands attached to their wrists," Iranian champion Salman Rushdie tells us, "is great for drawing attention to wankers."
"This is the greatest day in our history!" an Iranian villager told a passing F-16, shaking his fist belligerently, before having the arm that it was attached to blown off the torso that held the head, soon to be sent skywards, up.
The sport of Rock, Paper, Scissors is a thrilling spectacle that is seen by some as the fullest realisation of our abilty to curl our fingers into a fist and beat a bitter enemy with it.
"Keen masturbators everywhere have waited a long time for this news. We're going to need a few minutes. Alone, please," a fist-sport spokesman told the world's waiting media.
The sport of Rock, Paper, Scissors is believed to have been invented in Iran by shepherds after they ran out of short straws and had to compete over the only camel.
The official fist-book on the great sport tells us:
The sport is played between two and sees the fists, white-knuckled, made into either a Rock which beats Scissors but loses to Paper, Scissors which beats Paper but loses to Rock, or Paper which beats Rock but loses to Scissors.
The sport is played over three or five or seven or nine or eleven or thirteen or any odd number up to infinity until one of the players wins more than the other by two.
There are matches still being played between families that have gone on since before the time of Jesus and may go on until someone drops the bomb, considered endgame in some circles.
The sport is the greatest thing a person can do with their fists other than slam it down onto a table and is much more or less preferable to other indoor-fist-sports.
"More than anything else, this sport, a great occasion for all who still have hands attached to their wrists," Iranian champion Salman Rushdie tells us, "is great for drawing attention to wankers."
"This is the greatest day in our history!" an Iranian villager told a passing F-16, shaking his fist belligerently, before having the arm that it was attached to blown off the torso that held the head, soon to be sent skywards, up.
The sport of Rock, Paper, Scissors is a thrilling spectacle that is seen by some as the fullest realisation of our abilty to curl our fingers into a fist and beat a bitter enemy with it.
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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fist shakers would be ideal for this kind of sport!
Comment by Chris Champion
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Comment by Norm
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I don't know if you've ever witnessed or participated in fist-sports but, I haven't. George Washington.
Champs, you should have seen me writing it. I snuck in to your house while you were right there. What are you, blind?
Comment by Chris Champion
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Comment by David Edwards
Comment by Norm
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Put a towel on next time. It's embarrassing for both of us.
Comment by Norm
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Comment by David Edwards
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Comment by Norm
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Comment by Janet Collins
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Janet
Comment by Norm
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Don't be intimidated but here are my official stats:
Games won: 984
Scissors played: 45%
Rock played: 37%
Paper played: 29%
Comment by Janet Collins
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Comment by Norm
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But seriously, the aisle's not that bad. You never know who might elbow you in the head or ask you embarrassing personal questions.
Last chance, before I bring the pain.
Comment by Janet Collins
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Comment by Norm
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Comment by Norm
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Comment by Janet Collins
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Comment by Janet Collins
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Comment by damian
Urban Telegraph
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I was actually reading up a bit about this sport on Wikipedia. Apparently the current world champion was crowned back in 2004, after a panel of judges (consisting of an odd number of members numbering somewhere between one and infinity) ruled that the competitor's newly-patented hand signal for 'North Korean nuclear-capable ICBM' did in fact beat 'hijacked aeroplane'. Potential challengers have ever since been frantically trying to come up with a satisfactory hand signal for 'missile defence shield'.
Comment by Lilla
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I always thought it was a Crane myself, but nothing on wikipeadia yet.
Comment by Wilson Pon
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It seems like a fun and challeging game indeed lol
Comment by Norm
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damian, I think that just about sinks my battleship
Lill, for the original Iranian shepherds and fisherman, the caves of Afghanistan provided a perfect arena to sort out their tribal differences without shedding any blood. Until one day someone, perhaps Mohammed himself, brought a real rock to the table.
Wilson, all you need is the ability to curl your fingers into a fist and extend them out fully. Scissors are a bit more complex and stump many. Imagine you were holding a donkey's penis between your index and middle-finger. No reason. It's just fun.
Comment by D. Armenta
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Comment by Norm
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Comment by David Edwards
I can understand why Earth, Fire, Wind and Water can be considered superpowers, but what was the deal with "Heart"?
Comment by Norm
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We have to make paper feel like it's good for something. Wrapping up rocks. For Christmas, I'm giving you a rock. I hope you like it.
Comment by David Edwards
The game should be man - paper - paper clip. Here is my game theory:
Man beats paper-clip (man can bend it out of shape)
[I]Man loses to paper (i.e. important documents hold more worth than man)[/I]
[I]Paper clip beats paper [/I](obviously)
Paper-clip loses to man
Paper beats man
Paper loses to paper clip.
This way the game is more appropriate to an office environment, from which the game is clearly derived.
Comment by David Edwards
Comment by Norm
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I love it.
Comment by Norm
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Comment by Lilla
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