Kenneth Branagh The Front-runner for the Role Vacated by Sir Richard Ponting
November 13th 2008 03:17
Kenneth Branagh is beating out a host of other applicants, including one-time French pastry-chef SportingMind and microscopic organ-grinder Norm, for the role vacated by Shakespearean actor Sir Richard Ponting, as advertised on sportsandall.
"Unfortunately, Sir Richard has returned to his bad habits," said an immaculately clean-shaven candidate, and fair-dinkum Aussie, Kenneth Branagh. "By that I mean, he's growing a goatee, again."
"Nowhere in the text does the role call for any sort of facial hair. In fact Hamlet specifically asks the player to 'not cut the hair too roughly,' which I take to mean a good clean shave is required, of a player," he maintains.
"I'm not saying in so many words that facial hair is against our national interests. It's just that we don't want to be seen to be aligned with the belief-systems associated with beard-sporters. Muslims, for instance," he carried on, swearing profusely.
"The idea of having an armpit over your mouth, quite frankly, makes me feel uneasy. Not for an instant can we let the philosophies attached to that kind of thinking seen to be endorsed by our leaders," he went on, clicking his tongue.
"Reports that I myself once had my larynx transplated into my duodenum are a gross exaggeration. I had to do some work on my bowels, yes. I was having a lot of trouble getting them out," the stutterer and fretter articulated.
"What goes on inside an actor when he's preparing for a roll can be like hoping that no-one catches on to the fact that you're really only hoping to make your mark," he finished with, before being ushered away to his warm seat.
"Unfortunately, Sir Richard has returned to his bad habits," said an immaculately clean-shaven candidate, and fair-dinkum Aussie, Kenneth Branagh. "By that I mean, he's growing a goatee, again."
"Nowhere in the text does the role call for any sort of facial hair. In fact Hamlet specifically asks the player to 'not cut the hair too roughly,' which I take to mean a good clean shave is required, of a player," he maintains.
"I'm not saying in so many words that facial hair is against our national interests. It's just that we don't want to be seen to be aligned with the belief-systems associated with beard-sporters. Muslims, for instance," he carried on, swearing profusely.
"The idea of having an armpit over your mouth, quite frankly, makes me feel uneasy. Not for an instant can we let the philosophies attached to that kind of thinking seen to be endorsed by our leaders," he went on, clicking his tongue.
"Reports that I myself once had my larynx transplated into my duodenum are a gross exaggeration. I had to do some work on my bowels, yes. I was having a lot of trouble getting them out," the stutterer and fretter articulated.
"What goes on inside an actor when he's preparing for a roll can be like hoping that no-one catches on to the fact that you're really only hoping to make your mark," he finished with, before being ushered away to his warm seat.
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Comment by David Edwards
I think my resume speaks for itself. Sixteen years of competitive pastry-making leaves me in good stead to captain a team full of stale players past their use-by date.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
I think the I must mean irony. Not sure. I digress.
Alas poor Brett Lee. He looks quite chop-fallen. He used to carry Ponting on his back. Not no more.
Another comment for the archives and onion soup.
What recipes have you got for fallen-chops? I'm sure you can whip up a ratshit encrusted rack half-baked and served with rocket.
I know I can.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
well it would, wouldnt it!
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
Comment by damian
Urban Telegraph
The Squirter McGee Diaries
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
damian, I think you have the casting vote, so I'll be advising Kenny to keep a low profile. A lot of limbo and carpet-sniffing is on the cards. If the cast of Priscilla are transplanted, we can look forward to a lot of unorthodox positions.