Read + Write + Report
Home | Start a blog | About Orble | FAQ | Sites | Writers | Advertise | My Orble | Login

Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

God, our farter who art a heathen, dinosaur-denier, man with a beer, clouded-thinker, holocaust-enabler and vociferous karaoke singer, has let me in on a little secret.

"I actually look more like a triceretops," the all matey one told me last evening while I shat down to mourn my lost love.

If you're reading this, you are far away from me my eternal laugher.

I am praying for the day when I can hold you in my eyes.

The revelations, in a biblical sense, also included a trenchant approval of the rights of his followers to make choices about other people's bodies.

"I only kicked Eve out of Eden because she started claiming to know my mind better than me," our Lord said as my heart broke off aboard a plane headed for the Continent.

"I am God, after all," the stillbirth activist told me as he reached in to pluck out my brain from a puncture he had made in my art.

The award-whingeing novellist also told me that he hasn't read any good books lately.

"Jurassic Park, now that's a good book," God said as you flew.

Off.
39
Vote
Shared on
   


The fallen angel, suspected terrorist, keeper of souls, habitual masturbator, pro-Chaucer and Democrat has aggrieved to appear on the ballot with long-time friend, business associate and fellow mister of deceit Barack Obama.

"A vote for Obama is a vote for me" Satan himself said wearing a grin from oar to oar.

The two Satanists, in the same boat, believe that killing children is the American way and running with scissors on wet tails.

God, strangely silent for the last few centuries, is a vocal campaigner for the innocent.

"I'll do everything in my power to save the lives of children," the all mighty one told scribes who had smoked the burning bush as Japanese Vealers remembered Hiroshima.

The two camps, Good and Evil, are, for the first time, to go head to horny head in a vote that will at last bring Armageddon.

"We can't wait," a cured foetus told the pus-driveller on the way to school.

God, tired, is on the record as vowing to send his son, conceived through unconsentual sex and out of wedlock to another man's wiff, to sort out the white from the wrong.

"Jesus, that's me!" he said, wanking up late one day.

We're all adults here.


38
Vote
Shared on
   


I was Diana's sex toy: Keating

June 15th 2008 23:14
Hated in the UK for his fondlingness of Her Mingesty but loved in Great Britain for his treatment at the hinds of Phil the Greek, former Australian Prime Monster Paul Keating has revealed all to no one.

"Yes, she loved me. Yes, she adored me." the one time lover of Princess Diana told Elton Johnians.

The revelations come as no surprise to the maniac himself as he, Elton himself, told hairdressers: "There's going to be hell's toupee!" as he watched Keating's hairline.

The Greek Phil, former fish and chopperer to the stars, has told Keating to keep his grubby hands of my wife.

I'm not even married.

"Only I can be her tampon," Phil told Keating in a heated car driven through Dianas's tunnel by the one-time buttlover.

Keating is staying in a cell as the whole thong combs over.

"This isn't quite what we meant by padded," Phil told consumers of his fish sticks.

Watch this spice.
53
Vote
   


Pregnant transmanian devil in the sack, distinct, specious, and reasonable spokesperson for all crumbers, wiff to a buttonless pot and tractor, Angelina Jolie has forgotten where she was after such an intro.

"All I can say is that making your own is more fun," she said after pressing the buzzer to the question while her dildo was awry on holiday


[ Click here to read more ]
71
Vote
   


The playboy, dirty old maniac, womens' lip-operationer and smacking jacket wearer told his mum that he only reads Newsweek for the naked self-interest.

Hef, unashamedly and unreservedly and unapologetically and unrepentantly informed, told his mater that he couldn't imagine a bunny with a name ending in Berg


[ Click here to read more ]
67
Vote
   


Kidman Bodyguard Smacks Her Snapper

March 16th 2008 23:43
Nicole's bodyguard isn't kidding about the redness or rawness

Nicole Kidman's bodyguard, a man with a razor-whip and keen eyesores, has hit the headlines after allegedly, supposedly, possibly, whacking Kidman's snapper.

[ Click here to read more ]
53
Vote
   


The King has gone underground

The 'funny-man', caked in around about three feet of make-up, was unable to comment on the affair that had him in a roundabout of stitches.

[ Click here to read more ]
58
Vote
   


Victorious Police Squaw Christine Nixon, daughter of Dick, has modelled the latest fragrance from her fashion house to the finest nostrils in a state of excitement.

At the uncorking ceremony, Nixon told her drug squad dicks to go and powder their nuzzels because she wasn't ready to parade for them without her floaties


[ Click here to read more ]
37
Vote
   


Amidst fans with chunks of concrete in their hands, Police got heavy-handed with smelly wogs who were bugging them at the Australian Open Tennis saying, "These wogs are a virus".

"They smell like arseholes to me." claimed one teary-eyed constable


[ Click here to read more ]
41
Vote
   


Johnny Howard Surf Team-leader, the eponymous one, has turned back the stone to reveal his pumping fists in an embarassing episode that saw him caught defrauding the system of millions.

The system of millions of virulent inbreds and loud-mouths has caused the humble natives to scratch their coupons with a bottle-top


[ Click here to read more ]
41
Vote
   


Delta Goodrem says I do

November 30th 2007 02:02
Award-winning pastry chef and absolute 'mother' Delta Goodrem has given fans a glimpse of the petulant flower that lurks under the surface of her shiny verneer.

"I do" the song-basher said, before continuing with "believe that I am greater than sliced bread. Can sliced bread do this?" she asked, before subjecting an infant to the torture that is her latest single


[ Click here to read more ]
35
Vote
   


Paris has her rubbery ones duck in for a bath
Paris has her rubbery ones duck in for a bath

Jilted performance artist and financially strapped megalomaniac Paris "The Sinking Shesailor" Hilton has had a bucketful of minors flown into her bathtub on the eve of the next day


[ Click here to read more ]
41
Vote
   


TV personality and aspiring blogger Rove "Gomer Piles" McManus can look forward to more head jobs than the average man after secretly scouring the southernmost state in search of a suitable she.

The new lady in his life is none other than another product of the cesspool of an industry he himself is such a huge particle in


[ Click here to read more ]
66
Vote
   


Britney's Romance

October 1st 2007 06:54
When Britney put her hand down her pants and felt for the soft tongue of her shoes lapping against the feet of her beach, she nearly fell of her barstool. The water was soft and biting against the arch of her foreheads as she knelt down at the head of her manfriend. His hard trousers felt warm against the nape of her unyielding buttock.
When they had fist met, Britney had found him lying in a pool of his own toe-nail clippings. She thought that he had nice thighs as he gently rocked her car with pebbles that he'd found lying about his earlobes. The manfriend said that the world had a head like a man and an arse like a lunatic.
After they had laid down in the cool enchantment of the bed of maggots for the last time, he turned to her and muttered something under the front-doormat. It remained inaudible to Britney's ear that hung about the doorknob like a pair of apples on a pair of orange trees. She had loved him like no other monkey had ever seen, but at least she now had cake and tea


[ Click here to read more ]
44
Vote
   


Moderated by Norm
Copyright © 2006 2007 2008 On Topic Media PTY LTD. All Rights Reserved. Design by Vimu.com.
On Topic Media ZPages: Sydney |  Melbourne |  Brisbane |  London |  Birmingham |  Leeds     [ Advertise ] [ Contact Us ] [ Privacy Policy ]