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Consumption Malfunction - the original sin.

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Martin Bryant Kills Them At The Comedy Festival

October 18th 2008 23:04

Mass-murderer Martin Bryant, released from maximum insecurity by hosting his own blog, has delivered a stunning routine of his own material to stunned audiences at The Comedy Festival to make himself feel better.

"So a funny thing happened to me on the way here tonight," Bryant, an axe-murderer with a gun, told coffee-sippers who couldn't help but laugh, "I followed this mother and her two kids trying to hide behind a tree."

It is understood that Bryant, a sandwich short and no picnicker, then let the mother and her two kids have both barrels of a routine classified, by those on the nose, as unsuitable for young and impressionable minds.

"I'll tell you what I told them," Bryant, a shining example of humanity, "I told them: I believe women should have the right to hear me tell funny jokes about things I've noticed that are funny. Let them choose! For God's sake, let them make a decision!"

Men and women (disguised to look and sound ominous) are appalled but not surprised that Bryant, an unsocialist, would endorse such a radical notion as killing innocent things who know not what is going on in the world today.

"I'm appalled but not surprised that the veal is so expensive," one patroniser, paternal in every way ape and farm, told a waiter, down on his haunches in admiration, "It's really too much. It's just a joke!"

"You're killing me! Stop! You're killing me!" the waiter went on, counting the cost of giving his laugh to such an unworthy cause as working for a business that caters to such delicate constitutions as those he has to.

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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment

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Comments

17 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling

October 18th 2008 23:12

Potter in a Harry

Finally, a sensible post on Abortion.

Comment by Norm

October 18th 2008 23:17

Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power

I don't think we've revisited this topic before.

Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling

October 18th 2008 23:28

Potter in a Harry

Have a proper gander and you’ll see there’s a goose behind all this. And what’s no good for Mother Goose is good for the ugly duckling, the one not allowed in the nursery without rhyming reason with duck shooting season. Duck down, avoid the shotgun pellets, and make a good, protective quilt out of feathers. Duck dive under the quilt surface and quack the muff in a scatter of pond drops and flowering feathers. But don’t put the flesh pistol anywhere near a hot fanny-forced oven. Shove it up the poo tube and get the bread crumbs moist or you’ll both be stuffed.

Comment by Norm

October 18th 2008 23:34

Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power

Have you ever thought about becoming a writer?

Comment by RubySoho

October 18th 2008 23:58

Music Zone
Thought Zone

I hear he is sharing a cell with an 18 year old girl who got pregnant because her boyfriend couldn't put on a condom to save the life of a fetus.

Who is the more 'evil' of the two I wonder?

Comment by Norm

October 19th 2008 00:08

Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power

I take it she wasn't married to her boyfriend then? Tut-tut.
I couldn't conceive of anything more 'evil' than the boyfriend, but the girlfriend is probbly vying with me for a job that I didn't get or a promotion that she won ahead of me, not that I resent all women for what my mother did to me but it was pretty bad. So the short answer is both.

Comment by RubySoho

October 19th 2008 00:23

Music Zone
Thought Zone

The boyfriend? Nah, he gets off scott free. I meant the girl or Martin Bryant. Mass murderers share cells don't they? At least they should.

Only problem is, we will have a hard time convicting all the Victorian mass murdering females now that their particular brand of mass murder is no longer a crime. Ah, what to do, what to do? Try them in the holy see perhaps? Give our new ambassador something to do over there.

Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling

October 19th 2008 00:35

Potter in a Harry

I considered becoming a writer, but became a blogger instead. It's better for the self-esteem and confidence. No-one can tell me I'm not a writer as a blogger. Because I write words. And it saves shitloads of time. Fancy having to learn how to spell and all that grammar nonsense. And learn politics just in order to know what is correct. How many uni derees do you need to become a writer? And turn the lightglobe on in your own head? When they invent a cure for conjunctionitis, I might reconsider my stance, and not sit on the fence as much. White pickets are quite sharp. I'd rather get stoned in a glass house, while my insides are invaded by a backyard job from a Doctor of Lit to remove my appendices.

Comment by Norm

October 19th 2008 00:43

Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power

To see mass-murderers as just the cells they live in is deeply wrong. [insert righteous vitriolic additional sentence] We, as humans, which I'm sure you're one, know that we, as humans, are more than just the cells that live in us, as humans. To put all mass-murderers in cells would certainly make me sleep easier at night though, and in the afternoon and again at night and again in the afternoon again.
The only problem I have with law is that it's always wrong. There should be a ban on law. All law should be against the law. As that's not passable, I'd say that we should have the choice to do what we want with ourselves as long as our Neighbours isn't affected. It's in our constitution. Home and Away, on the other hand.

Comment by Norm

October 19th 2008 00:59

Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power

Bloggers don't get up my nose, any more, now that I'm committed. Words, comprised of characters, in some sort of order, composed, in some sort of order, are words whether they're ink or pixels. What you say still has a ring of truth in my hearing-tub about it though, and I wouldn't scrub it just to make myself smell nice. Doctors of Lettuce always get ahead, just because.

Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling

October 19th 2008 02:52

Potter in a Harry

Buddy, the only thing bigger than a cotton bud or a Redhead wrapped in a hankie, or a bleeding heart sleeve twisted into a spiral tap, that gets up my nose today is my finger. Snot for everyone. But let's not be picky. Lick your lips and roll with the flicks. We were all children once. Those of us lucky enough to reach the pubis, poke our blue heads through the snotttygobble into the outside world and play hopscotch in school playgrounds while we waited for some hair to grow on the baldness of our afterbirth.

Comment by RubySoho

October 19th 2008 03:38

Music Zone
Thought Zone

I am indeed a human and as such I have full human rights. Until I get pregnant. Then I magically transform into a life support system. That's when my rights end...apparently.

Comment by Morgan Bell

October 19th 2008 05:26

Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train

veal . . .

nice juxtaposition of words!

Comment by Norm

October 19th 2008 10:44

Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power

Dave, you should consider taking up writing, seriously

Rube, don't switch off me, all right

Morg, we're the only things we can afford to have spirituality

Comment by D. Armenta

October 21st 2008 00:01

The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.

But what of the single-celled, Norm?

What becomes of them? Do you know how many of them have come down with osmosis from that same single cell?

Come up with a random number. I'll split the difference.

Comment by Norm

October 21st 2008 02:02

Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power

I've often thought about this. I ask myself, what if giants roamed the Earth. Then I answer, most life is teeny-weeny, like single cells up to insects. Giants, we are. But when we smell an Englishman, we run the other way