Muslim Cleric Matthew Newton's Mumbai Rampage Fails To Kill Soviet Spy Brooke Satchwell
November 27th 2008 21:52
The bloody slaughters in Mumbai are a small price to pay for the well-being of, Soviet spy and ex-partner of Cleric Newton, Satchwell, believe those who religiously watch Neighbours.
"We've been watching them for many years. All I can say is that as long as Westerners are in it, we'll be passionately interested. If not, then not," the religious watcher said as they all switched off.
Cleric Matthew Newton, a violent idealogue and ham-fisted funnyman, is believed to have tracked down Satchwell in Mumbai before launching an attack on the Hotel where she was staying.
"Look, things got a bit out of hand," Cleric Newton said, "We only wanted to scare people. Nobody was supposed to get hurt. Except that spying bitch. What I do in the shower is no-one's business."
Soviet Spy Satchwell, at least half a horse, was residing in the run-down hotel to escape a busy schedule and the limelight but, most of all her psychotic spiritual advisor, Newton, when disaster struck.
"I was watching televison in bed with a celebrity magazine, admiring my reflection in the television, when the power went out. I went out into the lobby and all these other people were screaming."
"They must have been watching a rerun of Neighbours when the power went out because they were extremely upset. Anyway I found the manager, but he seemed to have a hole in the head, or something."
"Luckily enough, there behind the desk was a copy of New Idea. So I took it upstairs and went right to the back to look for my name. It wasn't even there. Then the power came back on. It was quite an ordeal."
The rampage, orchestrated by the multi-talented Newton, included a volley of very predictable jokes, sight-gags, and relied more on the delivery than the material, which causes terrible injuries.
Reports to the contrary have been reported by reporters, wth one saying, "Newton is even more genuine than his late father, Andrew Peacock," and "Cleric Newton will kill you too," but, others tell a different story
"She killed everyone after she realised her name wasn't mentioned. But she had a two-page spread! This tragedy could have been averted if only they had made mention of her on the front," the cleaning lady said.
"We've been watching them for many years. All I can say is that as long as Westerners are in it, we'll be passionately interested. If not, then not," the religious watcher said as they all switched off.
Cleric Matthew Newton, a violent idealogue and ham-fisted funnyman, is believed to have tracked down Satchwell in Mumbai before launching an attack on the Hotel where she was staying.
"Look, things got a bit out of hand," Cleric Newton said, "We only wanted to scare people. Nobody was supposed to get hurt. Except that spying bitch. What I do in the shower is no-one's business."
Soviet Spy Satchwell, at least half a horse, was residing in the run-down hotel to escape a busy schedule and the limelight but, most of all her psychotic spiritual advisor, Newton, when disaster struck.
"I was watching televison in bed with a celebrity magazine, admiring my reflection in the television, when the power went out. I went out into the lobby and all these other people were screaming."
"They must have been watching a rerun of Neighbours when the power went out because they were extremely upset. Anyway I found the manager, but he seemed to have a hole in the head, or something."
"Luckily enough, there behind the desk was a copy of New Idea. So I took it upstairs and went right to the back to look for my name. It wasn't even there. Then the power came back on. It was quite an ordeal."
The rampage, orchestrated by the multi-talented Newton, included a volley of very predictable jokes, sight-gags, and relied more on the delivery than the material, which causes terrible injuries.
Reports to the contrary have been reported by reporters, wth one saying, "Newton is even more genuine than his late father, Andrew Peacock," and "Cleric Newton will kill you too," but, others tell a different story
"She killed everyone after she realised her name wasn't mentioned. But she had a two-page spread! This tragedy could have been averted if only they had made mention of her on the front," the cleaning lady said.
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Comment by David Edwards
Sporting Mind
I always had an inkling that Satchwell was a Soviet spy. A glamorous communist masquerading as a celebrity, much like Harold Holt.
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
I watched Satchwell very closely looking for her secret Christmas messages. Red socks meant the coast was clear, and green ones meant Indonesian fishing vessels are just a ruse for an Indonesian military operation.
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Current Business News
Movie Train
Artist Quirk
Comment by damian
Urban Telegraph
Sports and All
The Squirter McGee Diaries
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
damian, few experts saw this coming. Here's what The Age's Ross Warneke had to say: "Death has given me a new perspective on life. It's sort of like a bird's eye view. The Kingdom of Heaven is all that they said and more. Praise Reg Grundy!"
Comment by Optomistic Opportunism
Bohemian Hiphop
Japanese Jazz Funk
Optomystic Opportunism
u sed 'grundy'
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Current Business News
Movie Train
Artist Quirk
thems some big teeth Harry!
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Morgy, someone had to knock some senselessness into the poor girl. Back in the day a man could be jailed for a couple of days for killing his wife. Now he's dragged through the media-mud. I remember when Bert would take to Patty with a rolled up TV week with a Logie inside. That certainly wouldn't take the polish off.
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Current Business News
Movie Train
Artist Quirk
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power