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Consumption Malfunction - I find it all so amusing.

People - Consumption Malfunction

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Welcome to pseudo-democracy, Facebook-style

December 13th 2012 23:49

Democracy hasn't lasted long on Facebook.

One suggested lowering the age of marriage as a solution.

“You are getting squeezed in all directions,” Henry Harteveldt, a travel industry analyst, told the Globe.

As genocidal mass-murderers go, Jews make pretty good comedians.

He said it sent a message to girls that it was ''OK to lose your virginity at 14 to an older and experienced man who will make you feel like a woman''.

Some Vodafone sales staff took advantage of this to make a higher commission, they said.

Others think it's a bit sad that a bald guy in his 30s is still roaming foreign dance floors searching for his misplaced youth.

''He's not very good at all,'' she said.

"George" concurs.

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Trusting God as Freedom Fades

December 11th 2012 23:17

Back in 1994, Thomas Sowell made an interesting observation:

About incest, he said: "That's a matter for consenting adults."

As usual the pain has been felt more deeply by small retailers.

They were then given a bowl of soup and told to consume the entire serving.

''They couldn't look, it was just too painful,'' Associate Professor Renz said.

But there was a darker side: The old men scratching their crotches while I performed in skimpy costumes.

So why not enjoy our lives and not be mislead by the fears of others.

"George" concurs.

''It's not rocket science,'' he said.

I would sum it all up by saying: I am a cartoonist.

That's all, folks.

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THE CHURCH RELEASES COVER VERSION OF SPRINGSTEEN CLASSIC

November 14th 2012 00:34

World-wide rock super-group The Church's version of Bruce Springsteen classic "I'm on fire" has reminded radio-listeners again about the dangers of self-immolation in a public place.

"Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?" a flaming Archbishop of Sydney and vocal front-man of The Church asked a cross-dressing and underwear-waiving Norm, "I wonder if you wouldn't mind asking him if it's all right for you to urinate on me."

Norm, who's listening tastes extend well beyond the sound of holy men being put out, obliged the requests of the pope-in-waiting by unzipping his typically tight dress and, proceeding to squat where he lay, unleashed a stream of typically sterile, but irritating, waste over the, by now, upright pope-to-be.

"At night I wake up in the sheets soaking wet," the former Archdiocese of Melbourne and arch bed-wetter said on Facebook, "but this is a whole new experience! Wait until the boys hear about this one! Is it a sin to gossip! How about paraphilia?"

Pell wrote that Norm "understood that traditional families are the cement which hold society together and he was generally supportive of Christian values", especially with respect to burning people.

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AMERICA SPEAKS: BLOBOBLOBLOB

November 7th 2012 02:32

In today's psychotic episode, dysfunctional dependent and long-running loser Norm turns his attention to the first day of the presidency of the genuine article: Willard Mitt Romney!

"Bloboblobolobloboblob blob og blob ogblob blob," the latest in a long line of latent lizards said, "og bloblobloblobblobog oglobloblobloblob oblob. Blobbloblobloblob. Ogloblogloblob bloblog! Blob blob? Blooooob! Blob blob!! Bloblob!"

Romney, speaking before a collective noun of turkeys, said that he needed to go to the toilet or possibly that he was hungry in Russian, before unexpectedly calling on an already stretched deity to bless the greatest nation in the history of the whole entire wide world, yeah! Yeah!

"As an American and an independent thinker," the Russian-born ruler of the free-world said, "ogblob ogloblobloblog ogloblob ogloblogbloblobog blob og og blogblob ob! Oblobloblobloblob blob blob blobloblob.Og lob blob. Blob! Blob blob!"

Romneyovich went on to thank almost half of the adult population of the greatest democracy in the entire history of the known world who didn't turn up to participate, before stripping off his skin to bask in the sun and, losing a leg along the way, was on his way to the history books!

"As Russian and lizard," the two-legged suit-wearer said, "I am a not to be going to be able to be answering any of turgid questions about democracy! But I would be liking to be living under rubbish bin for while, yeah. Yeah! Blob blob!"

But some viewers remain unconvinced about the amount of meaning behind the message, with Henry Martin saying: After all, I am the principal at the high school. [to Steve] Young man, this is the last time you're going to take my daughter out!

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AUSTRALIA: KILLING ITS SHEEP WITH KINDNESS

November 7th 2012 01:50

Self-righteous self-promoter and calf-killing milk-drinker Norm has called on Pakistan to stop the kind and inhuman treatment of sheep in Australian abattoirs, also condemning them for not liking on Facebook English rock band The Royals.

"So these people think it's acceptable to act like vulgar animals in front of The Royals! and I thought England was bad!" one said.

Australian sheep who are unlucky enough to end their days in a proper processing facility often speak from beyond the gravy of the gentile end they meet in this great white and sunburnt country, with one in particular pleased with their decision to reject an offer to play in Pakistan.

"No remorse, no regrets, no mercy ... You want me to draw it out in crayon?" he added.

Despite the obvious similarities, sheep continue to present us with a problem telling the difference with pork-chop and two-dimensional foreigner Sam Kekovich "saying" they all look the same to me, in an article published in The Final Solution, and originally penned with a hammer.

Hundreds of people have commented on the article, including some who were appalled at such behaviour.

"Well aware as I am," the card-carrying capitalist Kekovich said forcefully, "of the migrant experience in this country; I know how important it is to be processed quickly and painlessly, without a big stick over the head; and if you find things that grow on trees appealing I'll bet you are some kind of woman! How much?"

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PRO-LIFE CAMPAIGNERS DEMAND EQUALITY ON 'CLIMBING THE TREE'

October 31st 2012 01:32

Chronic wanker and terminally shrill connoisseur of the the truly moving arts Norm has had his "alone time" interrupted by an angry mob of pro-life bible-belters demanding I get my hand off it.

"We strongly believe strangling a monkey," a leading light in the pro-life camp stated, "is denying a potential person the right to jump out of a tree and attack another over territory or status."

Norm, who famously walks on two legs, is rumoured to be hopping-mad over rumours that he might be doing so - walking on two legs - in order to free up his hands for something other than walking.

"I'm not just going to sit here," he said, swinging from whim to whim, "and pretend that I haven't heard what everybody thinks of me, because, although I can not read minds, I cannot act, either."

Upright citizens and pro-life critics have promised to continue protesting outside Norm's window until such time as he learns to "say what he is trying to say" and refrains from "painting the ceiling."

"What we have witnessed here today," another leading light in the pro-life movement said, "is enough to put anyone off their manual labour, and needless to say, it's making a bald man cry."

Making it up as he goes along and shaking hands with the unemployed, Norm, rubbing his tummy and shaking hands with a midget, is, stretching the truth, calling in the secret service.

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TOM HANKS LETS OBSCENITY SLIP ON US TV

October 20th 2012 04:23

ABC and Tom Hanks are apologising after the actor let slip a swear word during a live appearance on Good Morning America.

"Socialism," the potty-mouthed performer said sitting comfortably in a stool, "is consistent with Christianity; or to put it another way, I don't give a damn how much money my latest movie grosses at the box office just so long as...Hello! Are you waving at me? What does this mean?? Am I in trouble? Have I said something I shouldn't have? Shit. Sorry. Where are you taking me? What have I done? Get off! Get off! Help. Help! Help me. Get off. Steven Spielberg! Help! Don't touch me! Don't touch me. Don't touch me. No. No! Argh. Argh! No! I have an Oscar! I have an Oscar! What are you doing to me? Shit!"

According to Wikipedia, some may find the use of the word offensive.

"I don't know quite how to say this, so I'll be short" a spokesperson for the Christian Legion of Decency made the actor say with a gun pointed to his temple, "we regret that Tom used the 'S' word this morning, but you have my assurances, ladies and gentleman, that this shameful episode has everything to do with the human body, which, we are all well aware, is something we have been aiming to wipe out since it first came to our attention that it was not all together right. Thank you."

The human body is, according to Wikipedia, the entire structure of a human organism, and consists of a head, bald spot, neck, torso, nipples, two arms and two legs, and is not for children aged 12 to 18.

By the time the human reaches adulthood, the left arms and legs have been amputated and cured in aclohol to be sterilised to prevent, what is known in religious cirlces as, spreading.

"For FARC's sake," somebody without any arms said, "there's a lot more to it than that! What about the bits in between?"

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Bernardi resigns after bestiality comment

September 19th 2012 03:58

"People come and consult with me mainly on relationship dynamics," said the bespectacled thinker.

He was wearing a blonde wig with a black beanie, a black and grey dress, black stockings, black shoes and was carrying a handbag.

Mr Abbott did not entirely distance himself from Senator Bernardi.

They were holding hands, their heads were together on the pillow, and they had left notes addressed: 'To my loving family'.

The couple is hitting back hard against publication of the pictures, which the palace called a "grotesque" abuse of privacy.

According to News Limited, neighbours heard shouts and screams coming from the mansion at around midday Friday.

"And this idea we somehow secure our economic future by tying up with Europe, when Europe is going backwards and Asia is going forwards, just shows how wrong-headed this government is," he said.

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Coles contractor embroiled in racist job ad row

August 28th 2012 03:49

The world’s population could become all but vegetarian by the year 2050 because of water shortages and a spiralling population, scientists have warned.

Mr O'Farrell said: "If you think I'm angry, you're right".

"What we've seen since 2000, it could well be the African century," he said.

Astonished Republicans, including Romney who squares off against President Barack Obama in November's election, denounced the remarks as offensive and inexcusable, and the party's leadership quickly abandoned him.

If you squint and tilt your head, Superintendent Trevor Twilley said possible links with an outlaw motorcycle gang were being investigated.

"I am not advocating that motorists get blind drunk and then try to drive, but it does help you mentally," he told The Daily Mail.

He asked if it was good or bad policing to knowingly leave a mentally ill man in a room with a knife in the sink that he had already used to stab himself.

"I would say, it depends on the circumstances," Sgt Metcalf said.

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Sky yet to fall in, Tony Abbott concedes

August 25th 2012 05:55

Federal Opposition Leader Tony Abbott is a father of three daughters who describes himself as a modern man.

"I'm often accused of running a scare campaign about the carbon tax," he said.

Prosecutors, defence lawyers and a spokeswoman for the University of Colorado didn't immediately return calls seeking comment.

He retired from The Muppets in 2004.

He says many politicians don't act because national drinking rates are not getting worse.

But he says it does not make sense to wait for them, while the number of Hepatitis C cases is still growing.

He was treated for the illness that also affected him in June, when he was admitted to hospital after braving cold, wet and windy conditions on the royal barge for several hours during the Queen's diamond jubilee pageant on the River Thames.

"Some would say that we are building a perfect storm," he said.

The project has now been given the green light.

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New dinosaur discovery excites scientists

August 2nd 2012 03:19

Opposition Leader Tony Abbott has told "journalists" to kiss my ass as they confirm what sort of ancient reptile they are , 'hugging and being affectionate with each other', causing chaos for a second day after sending distress signals asking for the crispiest fried chicken!

Romney's spokesman Rick Gorka says it expects Defence Minister Stephen Smith and I'm gonna always do what I love, but can be overlooked, which means Australian authorities no longer need roll the meat mixture into balls the size of a Holden Barina in Cardiff.

The artist believes he may have balls the size of a walnut in its shell , which is nearly 10 times the legal limit for giants in the hottest part of Mount Waverley, in Melbourne's eastern suburbs , and that some health problems might now also be considered crimes.

On Tuesday, he was still trying to piece together the circumstances surrounding the behaviour of Mr Palmer, Ms Rinehart and Mr Forrest – unpretentious, comforting, and unashamedly rich and found at the Ramarama Caravan Park on Monday evening - saying it is no longer relevant on Wednesday.

Just as importantly, Mr Forrest needed to be taken into police custody after officers allegedly found more than $500,000 cash, a hand gun and is also well known in Japan, where he was born in 1624, after letting himself in through an unlocked door that was rolled up to the elbows , saying he was having another "look at me" moment.

Essentially what this means is that the animal had been "nutritionally compromised" before teenage boys from different Catholic schools and a girl from a public school took his lower legs, arms and face that was pulled down over his decomposing carcass , this time blaming a fictitious person in Scotland.

But Mr Newman has told the world's wealthiest flesh-and-blood denizens - quite a blight on our society - to keep their relationship secret before calling journalists half an hour later to distinguish between people who do not have skin and eyes) and dark urine.

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Aussie women were thalidomide guinea pigs

July 28th 2012 05:51

Pregnant Australian women said, that by choosing to wear an old dress, a 57-year-old masseur - who allegedly lost more than $120 million overnight - posted videos of themselves on Facebook driving at the fact the sentence wouldn't change the island.

Documents from a "bad batch" of heroin in in the 80s called The Earlybird show with Marty the Monster and Det-Set Sgt. Ranford said Gina Rinehart has to have been taking thalidomide , expecting an even better performance in coming quarters.

Trials took place on pregnant young Indonesian people, used around the world , saying "the authoritarian tendencies are very evident on each and every day in Japan and Costa Rica," meaning that those with malicious intent can increase their appetites.

A 1962 letter written by six gorillas who are among the most popular plants growing in a field at Mount Amos, 142cm tall, and of medium build, wore the same metallic blue dress that she appeared in , which is a strong and continual interest of mine and undeclared nuts.

In 1961, consumers throughout the world – available throughout regional Victoria – which features British-born actor Christian Bale as one of the world's most influential women in 2005 and 2009, succeeded in damaging al-Qaeda but are now celebrities or other famous people.

The documents also show customers, and their desire to make orders, deserved serious criticism and received ample praise, "inviting God's judgment" by accepting the idea that Tim Cook is doing a tremendous job.

The files are contained in an affidavit lodged in the walls of two bedrooms that included details and drawing of his plans to play cricket, and is known to sing karaoke and perform in Paris with an image of chicken meat production , an AFP photographer said.

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World's most wanted Nazi arrested in Hungary

July 19th 2012 02:19

Teen pop idol Justin Bieber isn't courting far-right party leader Marine Le Pen whose mother took the drug thalidomide during "profound sorrow" that any mothers -- more than one a month -- could have caused , Bob Katter says.

The colourful feral MP says governments, churches and other groups "are expected not to survive to the end of this century," raising understandable concerns Marine Le Pen, with a Nazi on her head, planned to follow the film-maker to the United States - while dark circles can indicate stomach trouble, she adds.

"Bieber who? I had cold turkey, when her three-year-old grandson had two glasses of scotch and coke before walking on prosthetic legs though the Polish capital, where Soviet forces lay, before returning home to his parent's house ," Mr Katter Tweeted on Wednesday.

The MP even posted a pic of his swastika on her forehead at a weekend concert at Tamworth, Orange, Port Macquarie and Port Kembla , despite a Melbourne woman reaching an armchair in the lounge, the facts said, as part of a construction project aimed at tightening a robust pair of sideburns.

His media spokeswoman was happy to point out Cathy Lawrence, 68, who started smoking at 15 "thinking the world still looked to the US and the city's Nazi's occupiers", and the two immediately fell in love like a train wreck when he famously egged the Beatles during their 1964 Australian tour.

The then university student confessed to his vulnerable children, headed by former Supreme Court judge Philip Cummins, that men continued to smoke slightly more commonly than both Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler - slumped in a chair facing a computer with his arms still reaching out to allow more internal democracy , "explaining" it as an intellectual reaction against mania.

Mr Katters have long since assumed our bodies will be ripped into pieces because he did not like a town now in Slovakia that was visited in April 1944 by [Joel] Schumacher's Batman and decided to write his own obituary to get a few things off in the silvery grey.

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Vic sex worker choked from behind: court

June 6th 2012 09:39

The brother of model Lara Bingle has pleaded guilty to assaulting a man during a fight at Randwick Racecourse.

The retired dentist, whose name was also omitted from the lawsuit, has had herpes since 1991.

He also writes that as "an actor" with many gay friends, he should know better.

If you're going to have a nervous breakdown, in other words, Greece is not the best place to be.

"It's a wonderful day to be British. It's not often you get a chance to show your pride," said racegoer Carole Peck from Ipswich in eastern England.

Dr Lundstrom says this might just be her armpits.

Her other body parts have never been found.

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COMMUNICATIONS MINISTER DROPS F-WORD ON TV

December 13th 2011 05:07

A naval officer has been found guilty of spanking a junior female sailor and other acts of abuse.

Col. Leighton said that although Google had the right to show the images to the public, they should opt not to because they comprised military operations.

While decisions were made over an appropriate burial, his decomposing body was stored in a Misrata meat locker - causing controversy even in death.

He quickly added: "Excuse me."

Spines, poison glands and other defence mechanisms had probably erupted among creatures eager to escape detection by its huge eyes, which protruded from the side of its head on stalks.

An email sent to staff by Chief Commissioner Ken Lay says men must have short tidy hair, with no extreme colours.

Mr Spencer argued the standard of imported cuts was likely to be inferior to locally-produced meat.

State officials say it would be good for the economy.

When people are identified by the dogs they are then subjected to a public search.

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ASTRONOMERS DISCOVER BIGGEST BLACK HOLES

December 6th 2011 23:15

WA tennis legend Margaret Court has slammed the push to legalise gay marriage, saying she wants to "protect families", her bloody face covered with a towel.

She is accused of bashing a 44-year-old woman and leaving her in a shopping trolley at Elizabeth Park in the northern suburbs in July , her mother told the Nine Network.

At the same time, voter backing for Tony Abbott has dropped to its lowest level since he became opposition leader two years ago , and continues until the bladder is empty.

According to the Daily Mail, a yellow Burmese python can grow up to 19ft long and is one of the largest snakes in the world.

Before the November 2010 election, he promised it would be released during the coalition's first year in office accompanied by the Christmas carol Little Drummer Boy.

Inspector Neil Blair says police then found a third body, that of a woman, at the house , saying no human law could ever change God's divine laws.

Afghan Interior Minister Bismullah Mohammadi has "personally ordered" police to investigate and "administer justice to those responsible", his office said.

He is well-known in the northern cattle industry, described by figures as Asian, 30 to 35 years old, wearing a blue striped shirt and blue vest.

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CROWD CHEERS AS BERLUSCONI QUITS POWER IN EUROZONE CRISIS

November 19th 2011 03:34

"He spoke his mind frankly and while one didn't necessarily always have to agree, you always respected what he had to say," he added.

"It's a terrible tragedy," said Opposition Leader Tony Abbott.

As they got deeper into the woods, he heard what sounded like a gun being cocked and turned around to see a gun pointed at his head.

"It would be bewildering, frightening and people may regress in their behaviour," said Professor Henry Brodaty, of the Dementia Collaborative Research Centre at the University of NSW.

He also slit the throats of two cats.

The man has been described as Caucasian, young in age, with short hair and of neat appearance.

Another monkey then joined the fray, biting down on his shoulder, all while horrified tourists watched on.

He says a large-sample study found that the gene is carried by around 200,000 Australians.

They'll also present the People's Choice and Children's Choice awards.

No attorney was listed for Norman, whose age was listed as 42 in jail records.

One ended up buried in a shallow grave while the other managed to escape and hide in the woods.

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Jail threat for woman who bit off boyfriend's testicles

October 26th 2011 09:34

This can sometimes be triggered by tightening or sucking in the stomach or abdomen.

The pair are expected to appear in Fremantle Magistrates Court on November 8.

One then moves his hand up and down to give the impression of speaking.

The court was told the pair had split several times and then got back together.

This led to the common practice of producing two witnesses, bribed to testify the same way in cases of lawsuits with ulterior motives.

Powdering the scrotum to absorb moisture can help to prevent this issue.

The royal couple then took a tram ride up St Kilda Road to the state reception at Government House.

Guards handed out surgical face masks against the stench and had sprayed disinfectant over the corpses overnight.

Police believe she may have been dead for some time.

Mr Bowen cannot confirm the cause of death for the man.

The oldest term is "cock," from Old English coc.

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Nobel Peace Prize winner 'obvious'

October 6th 2011 04:28

This year's Nobel Peace prize winner is "obvious," the chairman of the prize committee says, and he's surprised that "commentators and experts" haven't picked up on it.

Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi (born 7 June 1942), commonly known as Muammar Gaddafi or Colonel Gaddafi, is the former autocratic ruler of Libya.

The 58-year-old has all but ruled out a return in the future, and said even a less hands-on role at a football club wouldn't appeal to him if it's full-time.

"He's just a ripping bloke, such a nice guy, but just hard and tough and wanted to win - a really ruthless competitor," retired Cat Cameron Ling said.

It is alleged they were key players of a people-smuggling syndicate responsible for planning and facilitating the illegal arrival of several people bound for Australia, the AFP said in a statement.

This is "obvious," the chairman of the Nobel Peace prize committee says, and he's surprised that "commentators and experts" haven't picked up on it.

Dennis Cometti was featured in an episode in the first Australian series of Who Do You Think You Are?, where he traced his father's Italian heritage back to Italy and discovered that an ancestor on his mother's side had been involved in a mass murder.

"I'd love that. I don't know whether it would be on the agenda (but) it would certainly be something I would consider," Malthouse said in Perth on Wednesday as he launched his new book The Ox is Slow but the Earth is Patient.

"His life has been an open book," opposition treasury spokesman Tim Nicholls told ABC Radio on Thursday.

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New York City on alert to Awlaki revenge attacks

October 4th 2011 12:37

It probably won't surprise you, but at least you know you're not the only one: Kim Kardashian has been voted the Most Annoying Celebrity in a Parade magazine pop culture poll.

Her overall image of Abbott the man is one of being "pugnacious, aggressive and arrogant", wedded to the outdated values of his "male mentors" in his narrow Catholic upbringing.

South Africa proved a kind of learning-laboratory for him as he got first hand experience of the racial-discrimination and the colonial psychology of the Britishers.

"This is where the issue of double standards and hypocrisy really starts to show up," he said.

The court was told he had installed hidden cameras in the smoke detectors of two bedrooms of a rental unit at Maslin Beach, on Adelaide's southern outskirts.

"It can't be called a dump -- dump is what you do," he said.

However, self improvement is a great industry. It is very important to participate in. Growth is good and you have got to learn and grow as much as you can.

He was a powerful recruiter of terrorists in the United States, he said.

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US astronomers find planet with two Suns

September 16th 2011 00:21

The government's inquiry into the civil war is mental and provides no accountability for atrocities, according to a new Amnesty International report.

Gossip, slander, libel and defaming a Christian will happen but it should never happen by people claiming to be Christians.

"This discovery is stunning," said co-author Alan Boss of the Carnegie Institution for Science Department of Terrestrial Magnetism.

Those who knew Eve described her as an attractive high school student who became manipulative, cunning and insecure.

"It's kind of like putting a fist into a bathtub of water, as opposed to your little finger," said James Bullock, a theoretical cosmologist at the University of California at Irvine.

In return, she was to give up working as an escort to become his mistress.

By the time she met Adam, she had largely detached herself, immersed in a world of assumed identities and grandiose stories about her past, according to records.

He was threatened with a pair of scissors and punched in the head several times.

Government and cattle industry representatives will travel to South-East Asia this week, with visits arranged to Indonesia, Vietnam, Malaysia and the Philippines.

"The flow-on effects acknowledge these people are human beings with rights," she said.

But even Italians who say parents should not slap their children question whether the offence deserved jail time.

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Death of anonymity online has net users fuming

September 6th 2011 00:34

A man has reportedly entered a Sydney court with a bomb attached to him.

Still, 62 per cent agreed with the statement that it was about time all corporations, including miners, started paying their fair share of taxes.

"They're very selfish, human beings. It's all about them and making money," he said.

Researchers also isolated stem cells from a critically threatened primate called a drill, genetically a close cousin to humans.

They'll happily rip off other people or kill other people.

In other words, our perception of beauty can be influenced by what we see again and again.

But they repeated their fears that an innocent bystander could be hurt or killed if the gun violence continues.

However, given the secretive nature of Apple and the possibility of fake case specifications passed around to various manufacturers accused of leaks in the past, we can't be sure of the dimensions of the iPhone 5 just yet.

Apple officials have declined to comment on the case.

Reverend Tim Booker, a senior minister at the Guildford Anglican church, said he hadn't seen anything like it since joining the local parish five years ago.

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IBM unveils chips that mimic human brain

August 20th 2011 01:27

US computer giant IBM has announced that it has developed types of potato chips that mimic the way the human brain works.

But Australian Veterinary Association (AVA) spokeswoman Kersti Seksel says dangerous drugs would be more effective.

Crown last night expressed its disappointment.

Four Taliban suicide bombers in burqas got inside, leasing the building out for the next nine hours.

Victorian Premier Ted Baillieu said on Friday the government wanted to be "these dogs" as soon as possible, following a four-year-old girl, in Melbourne on Wednesday.

British Prime Minister David Cameron said the "tragic but cowardly" would not stop Afghanistan's "vital work" in the country.

"This is a highly unlikely scenario," said Jacob Haqq-Misra, a meteorologist and astrobiologist at Penn State.

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'Brain-eating parasite' claims second victim

August 18th 2011 06:31

A man who swung a sword at a woman and cut her head during a Canberra home invasion has been sentenced to more than two and a half years in prison.

"You don't deal with your neighbours by tying a note to a brick and throwing it through their front window," Senator Joyce - usually found in warm, stagnant water in freshwater lakes, ponds, and rivers - told reporters in Canberra.

He was awarded a Cesar -- the French equivalent of an Oscar -- for best actor for his interpretation of being hoisted into the air by a hind leg at an abattoir near the city of Bursa.

Doctors attempted to drain the liquid in his head by urinating into the lining of his brain.

He has been charged with burglary with intent to commit assault with a $40,000 Bond after they found his brain was absorbing the fluid.

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Hugh Hefner and runaway bride patch things up

August 1st 2011 03:05

Hugh Hefner and Playmate Crystal Harris, his former gardener, have patched things up in no time flat.

"A fellow who was trying to escape as well mistakenly jumped on my back and that is why my knees are bruised," she said.

A source quoted in the bible added James Murdoch was shocked no apology had already been offered.

He is described as about 400 years old, with brown collar-length hair, wearing a dark-coloured, heavy woollen, battle-style jacket at the time.

"She was by all accounts a hard-working, loving, wife, whore of Satan and mother," he said.

In Babylon I know many people who reject consumerism, getting involved in poorly paid environmental or political work.

Have you ever wondered how some evil people can be so evil?

The answer could not be divorced from the political and social setting, Dr Spaaij said.

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Police won't quiz Carl Williams' cellmate

June 20th 2011 01:54

Former prime minister Kevin Rudd said he has "mused" in church over losing the country's top job.

Sometimes people throw temper tantrums when they don't understand why God does what He does according to His perfect plan and will.

However, Spielberg is known to be sensitive when it comes to Nazis.

He's a really mellow guy in his 60s, very sweet and more articulate than I thought for a man in his position.

He said although the incident was not the first of its kind, it was the most serious case he had seen and highlighted the need for hand sanitiser bottles in hospitals to be bolted to ward walls so they could only be refilled but never removed.

Mr Rudd said he was focusing on becoming the best foreign minister for Australia and had given his full support to Ms Gillard.

For the record, she's not vegetarian, but did order a non-meat dish , the court heard last Wednesday.

Australian Workers' Union national secretary Paul Howes says that's unlikely.

His statement is corroborated by a statement made by another man who is now dead.

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US vows to 'capture and kill' Ayman al-Zawahiri

June 18th 2011 00:12

The US will hunt down and kill new al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri as it did Osama Bin Laden, Washington's top military officer has vowed.

Ned Kelly certainly had an above average incidence of traumatic death compared to other forensic cases; ironically, this was also a feature of the ill-fated members of the Kelly Gang.

"Detectives plan to talk to him and hear what he has to say," police spokesman Paul Browne said Thursday.

"I would like some eggs," he said.

The BBC's Middle East correspondent, Jon Leyne, says priorities for al-Qaeda's new leader may include attempting to mount a big attack to show the organisation is still in business.

Yesterday, they opened up a hotline and called on the public to suggest their next target.

The following morning, police asked Mr Strauss-Kahn if he wanted something to eat.

"I just think everyone needs to pop a Mogadon here," he said.

Troubled former AFL player Ben Cousins has the quote across his midriff.

He urged colleagues not to focus on "nanopolitics" and instead get on with creating jobs in a global economy that was "wobbly".

"Is that necessary?" he asked when handcuffs were produced.

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Government urged to review pesticide laws

June 15th 2011 23:49

The Australian Federal Police say the men have been swapping pictures of child sexual abuse - including scenes of bondage, torture and rape - on a file-sharing network.

"The government seems unwilling to listen to the industry about the illicit trade, which is costing the Australian taxpayer approximately $1.1 billion per year in lost taxes," ITA general manager Wayne Merrett said.

Paediatricans earlier this year called for a ban on bondage, torture and rape , warning it posed a risk of brain damage in some babies.

Some have already appeared in court, while others are due to face the Southport Magistrates Court over the next few weeks.

What do Christians think it means?

British American Tobacco believes it will lead to a boost in counterfeit cigarettes, which will be easier to copy in plain packets.

NOW, let's put it into context with the actual lesson Christ was teaching: "Common sense will tell you that any drug which is designed to manipulate people's minds is a potential issue and this drug, as I understand it, caused significant problems in communities already," Mr Baillieu said on Wednesday.

Thank God for both bondage, torture and rape.

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Synthetic pot gives doctors a fright

June 14th 2011 09:39

Synthetic cannabis is giving Australian doctors a bad case of the jitters.

The US lost nearly six million users in May, falling from 155.2 million at the start of May to 149.4 million at the end of it.

The Duchess of Cambridge wore a head-piece by designer Philip Treacy, matched with a light blue-grey dress and coat.

"The Dalai Lama is a frequent visitor to Australia," she told reporters - only black holes are denser.

“He’s on nine feeds a day of a milk formula,” she said.

But it seems the Duchess of Cambridge is also following a considerably older royal tradition – believing Communism was the future.

"It's good," said worker Jiang Yao.

"I am having to learn Russian all over again," he said in a halting American accent.

The AMA warns using Kronic can cause severe side effects including paranoia, anxiety and panic attacks and an accelerated heart rate.

Joshua Horner said "It's fun to watch."

Locals have been left wondering whether this earless bunny - found at the end of last month - was the first.

"There are 1.5 billion people in the world who don't get enough to eat," he said.

Professor Geoffrey Taylor, from the University of Melbourne and part of the scientific team involved with the Large Hadron Collider's Atlas Detector, describes that as an amazing achievement.

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Machines will be our equal: Apple founder

June 4th 2011 00:28

Machines have won the war and the human race is destined to become little more than house pets.

It follows confirmation from Immigration Minister Chris Bowen that he will send children under his legal guardianship to Malaysia, where they face human rights abuses.

"It’s a really romantic place to go because it is so peaceful and you are surrounded by nature," he told ABC Radio this week , telling them he needed a semen sample.

Opposition immigration spokesman Scott Morrison said children could mount a legal challenge against Mr Bowen.

"We should be processing these beasts in Australia," he said, going into video chat rooms and talking to minors and convincing them to take their clothes off or do sexual acts and he was recording and taking screen captures of what they were doing.

Since then, his popularity has grown exponentially, securing him over 27,000 ‘Likes’ on Facebook and 3,713 Tweets (at the time this article was written).

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Kevin Bacon says sizzling sex is needed in a marriage

May 22nd 2011 00:52

ISRAELI Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu publicly lectured US President Barack Obama on the shortcomings of his plan for Israeli-Palestinian peace talks during a tense Oval Office appearance that laid bare the strained relations between the leaders.

Kevin Bacon says "dirty" sex is the key to a successful marriage.

The Israeli leader then launched into a history lesson of the struggles of the Jewish people, which Obama watched from a nearby chair, his hand over his mouth.

He said: "I am a restless spirit with a restless mind. I have great moments of fulfilment with my wife and children, a walk in the woods with my dogs, but I'm still chasing it. It's a vagabond lifestyle. My suitcase is always sitting there."

Potential Republican presidential candidates have been to the fore in backing Mr Netanyahu's position.

"I'm with Henry Ford when it comes to the Jews. His relative silence on Muslims speaks volumes for his latent support of the interchangeabilty of the terms 'Catholic', 'Jew', 'Communist', now 'Muslim', and next 'Chinese'. It's all the same to me, African-American. If they're not Protestants, as Luther says, 'God protect me from forks.' But aside from the obvious differences between all these sub-species of humans, the least extinguishable is the Jew. It's their greasy faces. African-American, please! We don't want the Jews to wander too far. Just far enough to allow us to forget how much we hated the 'Jew' prior to the discovery of 'Communists'," one said.

The issue had been set to put the Victorian ALP at odds with Prime Minister Julia Gillard, who does not support gay marriage.

"As a practising Jew, I can't be any clearer on this. I. Can't. Eat. Bacon," said she, "But, as a practising Jew, I hope to get better very soon. He goes all right in the oven."

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Most voters say 'no' to Palin or Trump

May 5th 2011 00:35

The White House has warned that a photograph of Osama Bin Laden's corpse was missing his shorts, leading them to break out the Nestle milk, the good-quality soaps and shampoos, but he kept running, in "various states of undress, including totally naked".

As the 'milk war' rages between bin Laden's body and Obama's image , who wore facial bandages, goggles and a hat when he wanted to be seen, he was sure he would not present an apple, rosemary and olive oil pudding with a verjuice sabayon that was part of a pressure test devised by killing nearly 3,000 people.

Palin was the 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee and is keeping her supporters guessing on whether she will run in "various states of undress, including totally naked" or in a t-shirt, with blood streaming from their ears, noses and mouths.

She was shot in the leg before Trump, who has been testing the lemon curd tart, a nectarine and frangipani flan as well as an apple, rosemary and olive oil pudding with a verjuice sabayon for a possible 2012 run for the Republican presidential nomination, was killed, the White House says.

She vanished from sight by bending light around herself to fool the eye, injured by an exploding toilet bowl after she accidentally fired what looks like a child's plastic green and orange water pistol left in the pocket of his pants, the narrative says.

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Religious leaders promote hope at Easter

April 21st 2011 23:32

A COUPLE has been charged with murdering missing Sydney girl Kiesha Abrahams.

The archbishop said it had been a pleasure getting to know the couple and he had been struck by the way in which they had maintained that an intruder came into their Mt Druit home and took the girl in the middle of the night , Sky News reported.

Cardinal Pell said these values - the cost of a weekly sausage sandwich - were the product of 2,000 years of Christian teachings.

He faces two charges of possessing child pornography and two charges of taking steps to access child pornography.

"It is one of the ways I remember the boys who didn't come home," Michael Selby, a private during World War II who honours the toilet block whenever he visits the Abbey, told Yahoo!.

Inside the toilet block, he applauded the dignity, "strength and stoicism" of the couple and stopped when the father came in to the toilet block.

The Catholic Archbishop of Sydney Cardinal George Pell, who was seen leaving the scene in a green Toyota sedan, had seen the girl for three weeks prior to her disappearance.

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Man, 71, fined $20,000 for torturing cat

April 19th 2011 23:06

A 71-year-old Perth man who tortured a young cat for importing cocaine from Mexico has been described by a magistrate as "nice, helpful, neatly dressed, reserved and intelligent."

Using his camera phone, he took a picture of his genitals , teasing one of his dogs in the process , adding he had been able to "work very well" as a priest thereafter.

Belgium's bishops likewise spent years selling houses and got intimate with a girl in year 10 and asked me for a photo of my genitals to keep her happy over the holidays and I thought her friends were so enthusiastic about the results they encouraged a former real estate agent to stop swinging the cat around in the air while holding it by the hot dog and beans.

The NAB says it is still working to fix the problem and understands and regrets any inconvenience it may have caused an RSPCA inspector, the dead cat and tied a five-year-old boy to a chair for eating a hot dog and beans.

Neighbours described him as wounded in the leg and a five-year-old girl while hiding overseas between 2006 and 2007 , which limits travel and job options.

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9/11 trial for Guantanamo mastermind

April 5th 2011 00:17

Dick Cheney, as souless as he is damned for all eternity, is set to face the music of Neil Diamond for his crimes against humility.

Don McLean, who bombarded the airwaves with a sound so plain it's enough to make you tear your ears out, is also sadly lacking.

His epic American Pie has been judged by good judges as the wrongest song in human history and as such takes no liberties.

Liberty, the thing that should be taken when giving voice to the release of a recording, has a statute in her honour.

Dick Cheney, a hare-brained schemer if ever there is one, has maintained his freedom from lice from the day he started losing it.

Neil Diamond, as wet as he is limp, is hanging on to his hair for grim death and has vowed to not let go until they fall out completely.

Humility, as absent in our readers as it is present in insects, has a statue in her honour made famously minute by Willard Wigan.

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Police: Aussies in top five best looking list

April 1st 2011 23:33

It's official, Australian singer Delta Goodrem was arrested for allegedly decapitating one victim and hacking two others to death to avenge her Irish fiance Brian Mcfadden.

The decapitated man, who reported the incident to police, was sick the next day and also developed a mysterious skin condition.

A fourth victim, who is believed to be then British prime minister Winston Churchill, told local reporters that he had been hovering over his garden late one night in 1997 when he was a man who accused him of raping his daughter.

Delta Goodrem and Brian McFadden regretfully announce that they have also come in fourth in a poll of the best looking people in the world, leaving behind a "silky-white" substance on nearby treetops which the decapitated man collected in a jam jar.

''The likes of Jessica Alba, planning to almost double her size to become the world's fattest woman, Jennifer Aniston and 34-year-old Joseph Ntshongwana all help America's image as a hot bed of good looking people," they said.

"But with a population of less than 2 Billion, they have nothing on China, where it's a miracle that the men and women can even conceive of even thinking about making babies. God knows what's going to happen when the advent of electricity enables them to leave what little they have in the way of light on. I think we are going to see a massive drop in the explosion of the population, and a lot less squinting. How Japan squeezed into the list is a testament to their willingness to surrender to our concept of bombshells. "

The list of Top 20 best looking planets

1. Pluto

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Dutch anti-Islam lawmaker Wilders challenges race trial judges

October 5th 2010 00:10

Dutch anti-Islamist politician Geert Wilders, a key player in Collingwood's premiership, accused judges trying him on charges of inciting hatred of scandalous bias and demanded they be hit on the head with a rubber sledgehammer.

The clown, whose stage name means "grumpy," usually appears in public wearing a blond wig, a red hat and a garish outfit.

Wilders, who has 24-hour police guard because of death threats, went on trial Monday over comments including a comparison he made between the Islamic faith and St. Kilda supporters.

Mr Shepherd said when he returned to the circus he saw workers washing down peanuts with cold beer to remove traces of the attack from their memory.

The prosecutor, Mr Pinko, reacting to complaints about Wilders, originally said he was protected by the right to free speech, but a court overruled him and ordered that Wilders be shot out of a canon.

Mr Pinko was reportedly taken to hospital for emergency surgery and is currently impersonating the mannerisms of a member of the audience.

If convicted, Wilders faces a maximum sentence of one year imprisonment or a fine, but would be able to keep any mice he finds as pets.

He survived a last-minute attempt by public prosecutors to bar him from running because of evidence that he is illiterate.

"I might be illiterate," he said, driving a very small car around in circles, "but that does not mean I can not read or write."

In theory, the court could impose a death-sentence preventing him running for re-election, but such a drastic ruling is considered by legal experts to be more desirable than Dutch cuisine.

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Man charged for 222km/h speeding

September 23rd 2010 00:41

A Sydney man caught driving more than 220km/h has been remanded in custody days after his licence was reinstated for previous speeding offences.

The man, known only as Charles and speaking through his lawyer's arse, offered a statement in which he stated:

"Tipping the scales at 1,540 kg, the Speedster can sprint from rest to 100 km/h in 4.6 seconds and reach a top speed of 305 km/h."

Officers on patrol clocked a Subaru WRX at 222km/h on the M4 motorway at Eastern Creek, in Sydney's west, about 12.30am (AEST) on Thursday.

"What's the point of driving the all new Subaru WRX with tinted front lights, black headlight surrounds, black windscreen border and other black decorative designs if you can't see how fast it will go?" the Sydney man mused.

The posted speed limit on the stretch of road is 100km/h.

"There should be a law against not driving your luxury top-of-the-range class-leading all new car with European styling under 100km/h while you enjoy the smooth handling and highly-praised ride quality," Charles scratched into the wall of his cell with the teeth his new cell-mate handed to him while police watched on.

They chased the vehicle and pulled it over a short time later.

"The all new Subaru WRX with its razor-sharp handling and European styling is such a fine example of motoring excellence it almost drives itself," police said, pulling over the vehicle which can balance on-road driving needs with race-driving desires, incorporating the handling and aerodynamic lessons from losing control and flying off a cliff.

"Motoring enthusiasts must think they're not going to cause the extinction of the human race one of these days," police said.

"The really remarkable thing is their skulls are so big."

The 28-year-old male driver was charged with reckless driving, speeding in a dangerous manner and exceeding the speed limit by more than 45km/h.

The Sydney man said that he will be pursuing compensation.

"Isn't that what it's all about anyway?" Charles said, strapping himself into his cod-piece.

This will give you an idea of what a motoring enthusiast thinks about

106

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Charles In Tears As Norm Takes Over At The Top

June 24th 2010 02:22

Charles has burst into tears in an unexpected show of emotion after opening his "Writer Stats for Charles" email and finding that Norm had replaced him as Orble's "Top Writer".

"Sure, all I've ever written has been directly taken from another source," he cried, wiping away the tears on Jon's cheeks, "but that doesn't mean something, something..."

"This is a very emotional day for me," Charles said, literally crying his arse out, "but at least...a new, class-leading V8 diesel engine, new 8-speed transmission, two significant Terrain Response upgrades and subtle external styling all combine to ensure the 2011 Range Rover Vogue retains its crown as king of the luxury SUV segment if nothing else...aww...I can't do it...awww..."

Norm, as matter-of-fact as he is incapable of driving a car, was typically smooth in his handling of bumpy terrain, with luxurious interior settings and class-leading style the new Norm combines leather upholstered arse-cheeks with an upholstered interior for class-leading luxury and smooth handling and European excellence which enables the new Norm to drive all the way to the top and leaves all competitors gasping for air in the "environmentally friendly" black smoke emanating from the exhaust and troubling but "perfectly normal" clunking sound, although get it checked out because it could mean that the engine is about to fall out, but don't worry about the red light flashing on the dash because it either means there's a design fault, or the brakes don't work properly.

"Of course, my sympathies are with Charles at this time," Norm, typically class-leading in his smooth handling and European excellence, spluttered, "Have you seen the car he drives? It's not what I'd call a gasoline-powered sedan with a top speed of 190 km/h. It's actually a bit of a shit-box."

As usual, the 1.4 TSI (90 kW / 122 PS) and the 2.0 TSI (147 kW / 200 PS) offer high-tech in proven form. Except for the 1.2 TSI, all engines may be paired with a 6-speed DSG (77 kW TDI, 103 kW TDI, 147 kW TSI) or 7-speed DSG (90 kW TSI, 118 kW TSI).

1) 15085 Norm
2) 15084 charles
3) 12364 Ian
4) 6881 Jack
5) 6048 Cibbuano
6) 4856 Bryn
7) 4829 ZPages
8) 3907 MelissaA
9) 3284 Journeywoman
10) 3174 Morgan Bell
11) 2581 Tyronne
12) 2573 Oracle of Delphi
13) 2544 Arnold
14) 2404 Whitney
15)1928 Matt Shea
16) 1638 JohnDoe
17) 1632 Jason King
18) 1607 Raoul Duke
19) 1584 Scarlett
20) 1507 Dexter

Updates on Charles' emotional state will be available from the third quarter of 2011.

[Source: Charles' Orble Writer Stats]

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Sydney drugs syndicate smashed: police

April 3rd 2010 01:01

RELIGIOUS leaders have used their Easter sermons and messages to condemn the rise of atheism, with Sydney Anglican Archbishop Peter Jensen describing the philosophy as an "assault on God".

After appearing in many live television shows, he made his Hollywood debut with Cary Grant in Destination Tokyo.

"He is everything but a paedophile,'' lawyer Pierre Houppe, whose arrest was announced by the archbishop of Rouen, said yesterday.

The dropped-trousers trend has been debated in TV shows, city councils, school boards, state legislatures and courtrooms and even decried in song: Larry Platt became an internet sensation earlier this year after he sang his original song "Pants on the Ground" during an audition for the popular singing competition TV show American Idol.

Crunching powerful equations and weighing fresh evidence, an astrobiologist in Britain is pointing the finger at an unusual culprit.

He praised government organisations "paid for by the Christian majority" for helping make the Australian way of life the envy of the world, but noted that atheists sponsored no community services.

Before stripping down to his shoelace underpants, 30-year-old Romanian engineer John Ferraro told The Age of his firm belief.

They are not big enough to inflict global extinctions like the event 62 million years ago that wiped out the dinosaurs, but they could still devastate entire regions.

"Everything that can be done to ameliorate this pending disaster should be commenced immediately by the Queensland government," he said.

Cardinal Pell of St Mary's Cathedral delivered a similar attack on atheism in his Easter message yesterday.

As a euphoric Mr Ferraro splashed around in the river, few could doubt his sincerity.

The attacks were carried out by F16 fighters, the witnesses said.

His unregistered Suzuki 1000 was impounded under anti-hoon legislation until Tuesday, and he was issued with a fine for exceeding the speed limit.

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Robin Williams and Rudd exchange words

April 2nd 2010 02:24

Comedian Robin Williams says he loves Australia and has laughed off criticism from Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, poking fun at him in the process.

UK electrical engineer and crop circle expert Colin Andrews said Australians deserve an explanation.

This is not the first time the accused has been involved in scams, in 2005 he claimed he had found six hairs in a milkshake.

He has been charged with aggravated indecent assault, theft and kidnap and is due to front Parramatta Local Court on Friday.

His condition has not been specified but his attorney told the judge his client required a respirator to breathe and was too ill to attend the court hearing.

But Ms Barker says that decriminalising the sex industry would provide greater transparency, which could help prevent similar cases.

But when you have friends like Simon Cowell, perhaps it is only to be expected.

Moments later, she received a text from the men's room with a picture he had taken of himself in a compromising position.

It is the second time in just days asylum seekers have slipped the net and announced their arrival by phone.

She was joined by fans who had flown in for the occasion from Australia, Europe, the United States and across Asia.

And when she refused to keep working at a strip club, she claims he used his fists and boots to force her back to work.

He said the Government had committed more than $650 million to implement a comprehensive people-smuggling strategy to combat the evil trade.

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Technology and shroud give Christ a new face

April 1st 2010 22:30

DIGITAL artists have recreated the face of Jesus - and he's nothing like the man depicted in Renaissance paintings, British reports say.

He is described as being of white, European appearance with a small amount of light-coloured hair.

He is said to have led a frugal lifestyle but in between collecting cans and bottles from rubbish bins he was to be found in the city library studying the stock market in the financial papers.

"If you're a Christian, God has given you certain capabilities to do a job, to earn a living," he said.

He has not been seen since he vanished but investigators, convinced they have him cornered, have closed their case.

He was last seen heading north on King Street and it is believed he has no money.

''There's a long tradition in Christian theology and Christian history of seeking the face of Christ - of wanting to know what he was like as a man,'' Catholic priest and author Father Jonathan Morris told US television's ABC News.

Sitting on a tricycle, he also said his favourite thing in the world was "vaginas" and thrust his hips when asked to simulate intercourse.

"There is a God; this is worth checking out," he said, saying faith was a part of who he was.

He's in good health, although he's 18 and a recent medical evaluation showed signs of senility.

He was wrapped in a bunny blanket and wearing a red singlet.

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Mayer's racist Playboy rant causes uproar

February 12th 2010 01:00

John Mayer , who started topless modeling under the name Jordan, has sperm from other successful suitors , bearded and cross-eyed, once the meat was hit with customers, a short step away.

It's about as funny as Mayer, believed to have been set up by Catholic school pupils in Queensland, adding that he believed longer sperm are able to swim faster because they have a 2009 Toyota Yaris.

He tweeted: “And while I’m falling into the cutlery drawer and on to a knife with its blade up , I wish I could find this site funny."

Mayer stopped his track ‘Gravity’ halfway through stabbing a man through the eye with her stiletto heel and should be cautious to keep the cutlery basket out of reach if leaving the machine open.

He then returned to playing the guitar solo for the song after driving a grey 2009 Toyota Yaris hatch with the registration number XFG 746 over prostitutes that are polygamous.

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We're all aliens, says DNA results

February 3rd 2010 23:37

One of the great remaining mysteries of gardening on weekends, for example, may shed light on what happened to mummy and two foetuses found near the appendix area or in the buttocks.

Mystery has surrounded the New York Post and conservative Fox News talk show host mummy and, when a leg injury turned gangrenous, would improve scientists' understanding of how, with a knife in her neck, she has three children.

Do Cows Go To Heaven?
Heaven Is Reserved For Innocent Creatures.
www.ritual-slaughter.com

Have You Ever Looked At A Face And Thought How Strange?
Didn't Think So.
www.im-smarter-than-you.com

These then multiply and, looking at raunchy pictures, oh yep thats right you didn't factor into the equation God , whose name has been suppressed, did you ... even in the end Einstein came to the conclusion that is killing people overseas.

So scared was he of a great deal of personal information, the professor , calling him an "a***hole" after the fall of the Berlin Wall, said: "bye bye, a***hole," and left their bodies in the water, when you are trying to avoid an oncoming bus, after communists adopted underwear.

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My Apologies For This Break In Regular Programming, Or How To Be Funny Without Trying

January 19th 2010 23:50

A teenage mother has received a visit from the police in a perverse sort of way. Just like Hitler and Stalin failed to realise how offensive they were, a schizophrenic tried to kill his mother over Moral anarchism or Moral nihilism.

Yet you will have to forgive me if they are not boob experts, and neither are they watching a horror movie where you know that is funny but I would not degrade myself by urinating on the memories of good people like Hitler and Stalin.

Fancy Yourself As An Academic, Scholar or Intellectual?
We Have A Wide Range Of Postures and Stances.
www.myapolotegics.commie

Got A Nose For A Terrorist Agenda?
Smell The Cheese.
www.ready-to-blow.net

Of course we should remember that good people like Hitler and Stalin degenerated into an aimless existence characterised by alcoholism, random meaningless jibes, and Catholicism.

Just like Hitler and Stalin are loved by millions of sweet-toothed customers worldwide, their disgusting behaviour gave “the whole community a bad name” and will never be worthy as we are , always on anti-depressants such as Dairy Milk chocolate bars.

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US in new effort to ready maiden suborbital flight

December 7th 2009 00:03

British billionaire Sir Richard Branson, an HIV-positive man, and "the most unhappy person that I've ever met in my life" will unveil a craft on Monday that could be hiding along the mountainous Afghan-Pakistani border.

There, the tourists can experience the most shocking example yet of heartless deportation and then, after a tractor accident, go pig shooting on weekends and research compounds cheaper to produce in microgravity.

As humanity eventually moves to other planets and bodies throughout the solar system, another woman has come forward claiming an affair with the brain child of aerospace engineer Burt Rutan, his body racked by a failing liver, hepatitis C, fibromyalgia and bowel problems.

She described how in May last year she discovered, caught and beheaded US national security adviser James Jones before punches were thrown and then began to unzip my dress , which can cause AIDS, and bowel problems.

He is also working to establish a database of images using bowel problems and will launch a new effort to capture or kill 70,000 Episcopalians across six countries, and with thousands flying off the shelves, it looks like I have never analysed things that much , but hair-pulling was what really turned him on.

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Weird and wacky world records tumble around globe

November 12th 2009 23:51

Manjit Singh, a 59-year-old security consultant from Leicester, England known as the "Ironman," on Thursday had to be locked inside the library for an hour after being chased by a group of Muslim boys offended by his hair.

The photographer, who was not immediately identified, also was arrested. He suffered a cut to his forehead and was taken to a hospital because he ate a salami sandwich during Ramadan.

The Department of Education and Training said it had a zero tolerance policy towards a double-decker bus weighing more than eight metric tons over a distance of 21.2 meters.

Another mother said her young son refused to have an abortion at age 11.

Officials declined to say whether she was "wed" to an uncle and led to a chicken coop.

Her four sisters and brother can't breathe through her nose and has to eat through a straw.

It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago, when an eye doctor described an incident of sexual abuse involving a dog, that she realised she would never see arachnids in his bags.

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Berlusconi says crucifix ruling denies Europe's roots

November 4th 2009 22:24

Berlusconi, caught with his pants down

Italy's Silvio Berlusconi said on Wednesday a European Court of Human Rights ruling that called for crucifixes to be removed from Italian classrooms was a nonsensical attempt to deny Europe's Christian roots.

It was a sentiment backed up by European Father of the Millennium Josef Fritzl who released a 12-inch single in which he condemned "the breakdown of the family unit" but applauded a prison production of Guys and Dolls.

"Don't break it down," he asked the DJ. DJ Phil Spector.

Berlusconi, the living embodiment of death, had his facial matter melted into his skull when he accidentally tripped and landed face-first into a melting pot, and has been described as a bit of a pumpkin. The dead root. That bit.

"Europe in the third millennium is leaving us only pumpkins while depriving us of our most beloved symbols," said Vatican number two, Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone.

"I'm a regular Nelson Mandela," he said, dropping the kids off at the pool-hall. Before getting a copy of The Hustler out on video. "This has no revealing insights into girls," he complained to Blockbuster.

Berlusconi, a symbol of racism and debauchery, and a beloved symbol in Italy for his misogyny and many conquests, has paid the price, in the past, for his frequent use of prostitutes, but has been defended as only the "end user."

A prisoner in his own version of the British game-show Smashing Pumpkin, Berlusconi fears that the removal of crucifixes in our schools is a sign of things to come, and has issued a warning to McDonalds that they're "next".

"Old McDonalds had a farm," he sang aboard a P&O Battleship, "And on that farm there was a lot of cows. With a lot of methane here. And a lot of methane there. Here a patty. There a patty. Everywhere a pffft, pffft."

Exactly what he means by this is anyone's guess. For $4.95. Hands on your buzzers.

Two Italian laws dating from the 1920s, when the Fascists were in power, state that restaurants must display crucifixes.

"Lock it in," carry-over champ, Jo Fritzl said.

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Man naked in own home charged with indecent exposure

October 23rd 2009 22:38

An American man who brewed coffee naked in his own kitchen is facing indecent exposure charges and could be jailed.

Nescafe Instant Jail
Put some pants on, pervert.
www.whitewithone.penis

Mr Griffin described the opportunity as an "unprecedented chance" to present the BNP's views to the British public and propel his party into the "the big time".

Bleach Your Faeces
Drink White King and die, arseholes.
www.whitewith.none

In an interview for The Independent newspaper he stated that he gave up because of a hand injury.

What's This?
Wanker's Cramp.
www.do-you-get-it.com

I am well aware that orthodox opinion is that six million Jews were gassed and cremated or turned into soup and lampshades.

Waiter, There's A Hair In My Soup!
New Heinz Jew Soup. Floss while you eat.
www.entree-to-death.net

I have reached the conclusion that the 'extermination' tale is a mixture of Allied wartime propaganda, extremely profitable lie, and latter witch-hysteria.

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DNA test shows Hitler skull is that of a woman

September 30th 2009 00:16

ADOLF Hitler may not have died in a bunker after fresh research suggests the skull thought to be the tyrant's was from a woman.

He was found by a member of the National Guard on Friday wearing nothing but an oversized pair of shorts held up by a belt.

Does this concern you? Leave your comments below.

On another occasion, he was beaten with an iron bar but no one was ever prosecuted, the court heard.

"When I first saw it I was just on my bike, I was laughing my head off,'' Newport retailer Jeff Kahler said.

Evil powers caused this person to lose self control.

He and two of his friends were in their tents when a young female came in and "started handling us".

"This incident is very shocking. It is my first time to see such an evil thing. It is really embarrassing," he reportedly said.

He reportedly said that he spent most of his time inside a closet and the door had been blocked with a ladder or some furniture.

It will open in the UK, France and New Zealand over the next two months.

The Russians later dug up a burnt and buried corpse - its head sporting a bullet hole - which they declared was his.

Autopsy results are pending, but investigators believe she was beaten and suffocated.

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Conservative Christian groups wage war on commercial TV

September 18th 2009 00:19

Marketing bosses posted a video on YouTube in which a beautiful blonde said she was looking to lure men to the country with her child's father.

She was fitted with a colostomy bag.

"We met one and half years ago when we were having sex. We went back to my house and you ended up a woman," the nation's grandmother figure says in the clip.

It also details her lifestyle, social life and passion for horse racing; her decades as a widow, and her 50-year role as Queen Mother.

The man and his followers fled naked into the wilderness when police tried to arrest them over the weekend, the Post Courier newspaper reported.

As well as wanting less "smut" and swearing on TV, they also called for programs at times when children watch TV.

Inspector Adam Busil said he and officers surrounded the man's hut early Saturday but he refused to come out, then made a dash for freedom with about seven naked followers.

"The vomiting thing was a real surprise to me - we had two people vomit in New Zealand, and a couple of people have fainted," he said.

Who takes their three-year-old child to a pop concert?
Discuss.

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Man charged with taking photos up skirts

September 6th 2009 00:00

The extraordinary technology takes pictures filmed by a tiny camera and turns the information into electrical pulses which can be felt on the tongue.

Police have charged a man who allegedly took photos up the skirts of girls in a shopping centre at Chatswood in Sydney's north.

The Cronulla blonde toughed it out with a bad back for a swim and summer wear shoot with photographer Nick Leary in this month's Cosmopolitan, out Monday, and getting through the shoot was a stretch.

Earlier he claimed that Hilton was hazy on child pornography, writing, “Clearly Perez Hilton isn’t taking violating child pornography laws very seriously. He might not but there are a lot of people who do!”

The former Westlife singer, now engaged to Goodrem, was speaking for the first time since former wife Kerry Katona was engulfed by a drugs scandal.

"She was such a trouper. She had injured her back a few days before the shoot and even had to get her hair and makeup done lying down," said fashion editor Nicole Adolphe.

Police charged the man with two counts of filming a person's private parts without consent.

The video showed the man putting on her knickers and performing a sex act.

He also loved Harry Potter, Sara Lee deserts and sticky date pudding.

Scientists say learning to picture images felt on the tongue is similar to learning to ride a bike.

Counsellors at the Mount Druitt branch of the renowned Ted Noffs Foundation say the disturbing practice is becoming a trend.

Sources said that police had recovered a haul of underwear.

It then cuts to a nighttime scene with the man drop-kicking an animal into the street, killing it.

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Channel Nine stars' salaries to be slashed

September 4th 2009 00:22

KERRI-ANNE Kennerley will be the first of Channel 9's stars to front the network's razor gang as it tries to claw back $20 million.

A chunk of debris from a portion of a European rocket – the Ariane 5, launched more than three years ago – is threatening to pass dangerously close by the station.

KERRI-ANNE's mother, who was sitting in the front passenger seat, was reportedly drinking coffee and looking out the window.

It was dubbed "Hot Coffee" after the women's invitation to come inside for a "cup of coffee".

Despite the overwhelmingly positive response, she has admitted that seeing her small roll of flesh made her cringe.

Fred DeNegri of Ormond Beach told CNN television that he was taken aback by the "disgusting" blob he was not expecting in his drink.

He died minutes later while still in handcuffs.

"What we're seeing right now are the signs of cannibalism," said Alan McConnachie of the Herzberg Institute of Astrophysics in Victoria, British Columbia.

He thinks he is God's gift to men and he can do anything he wants.

But during a recent interview with shock jock Howard Stern, Inglourious Basterds director Tarantino revealed he’d smoked hash with Pitt when he traveled to France to convince him to.

He then said: "He wants me to pick up boys when we are out and have a threesome", adding he did not want to do that.

He had "homicidal urges" and wanted to bash someone in the head with half a brick.

"Over 30 million male chicks meet their fate this way each year at this facility."

A review, to be released today and obtained exclusively by The Australian, marks the first time an Australian authority has recognised the possibility.

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Sandilands, Jackie O return to airwaves

August 17th 2009 23:44

KYLE and Jackie O returned to the airwaves today saying they had learnt from their mistakes and wouldn't make them again.

In return, they had to provide sex to selected prisoners every evening between 8 and 10 p.m., and Sunday afternoons.

IN the toilet at my work hangs a new sign, of the kind no one thought necessary in the days before the rise of Kyle Sandilands.

"Jews were not allowed in. Neither were Soviet prisoners of war," he added.

In one incident in 1995, two men in the midland county of Staffordshire told an alien with a lemon-shaped head emerging from a hovering UFO: "We want you; come with us."

Even more heartwarming was hearing Julie's husband ask "What's for dinner?" after the two reconciled a fight.

FAME has its problems, especially when you're "Mad Mel" Gibson, the uber-Catholic who has impregnated girlfriend Oskana Grigorieva out of wedlock.

The then government of Margaret Thatcher summarily dismissed the affair but a letter from a former chief of defence staff in 1985 warned it not to be so cavalier.

The 46-year-old was under the influence of drink and drugs, but was released without charge after five hours, the BBC reported.

He wore a school boy's uniform - shorts, jumper and long socks - and walked to class hunched over, a book bag slung over his shoulder.

Jackie O responded by saying, "My God, that sounds like torture to me."

Cynics would note that the man was heading home from a night out at the time -- possibly in a similar mental state to two revellers seen hovering over the jazz tent at the 1994 Glastonbury Festival.

It's also about slurping several spoonfuls of olive oil each night to help 'lubricate' whatever you are allowed to eat on its way down.

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Australians say torture is fine - survey

August 12th 2009 01:34

AUSTRALIANS' attitudes to the ethics of war are nothing short of conflicting, a new Red Cross war survey has found.

The United States and European Union have raised concerns about the situation and called on all sides to tread carefully.

That 'theatre of war'' was one of the things we really wanted to achieve.

But Miranda Kerr still talks to her parents every day and is hoping they can get to Melbourne to see her latest parade.

Superintendent Foscholo said the gender and age could not yet be determined and he declined to say if any clothes were found.

The Khmer Rouge's main jail chief has admitted for the first time before Cambodia's UN-backed war crimes tribunal that he tortured a prisoner personally.

Another time, he had seen a text message on his friend's mobile telephone that featured a photograph of her breasts.

"All we are talking about now is body parts,’’ he said.

Scientists hope to find out more when Cassini makes two more close fly-bys of Enceladus in November.

Yesterday, PacPubs issued an apology for the story, but indicated it would fight to protect its sources when legal argument is heard in the South Australian Supreme Court on Friday.

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'Serial Killer' Rudd just a joke

August 6th 2009 03:21

A US TV anchor who labelled Kevin Rudd a serial killer says her comments were a "deadpan joke" and she would like the Australian prime minister to masturbate in front of public computers.

"There have been a number of incidents where men have been asked to masturbate in front of public computers," Ms Grosskreutz said.

The girl then revealed she had been raped when she was 12, to which Rudd replied: "is that the only experience you've had?".

The Prime Minister reveals in unusual detail the sinister and twisted thought process of a man crippled by sexual frustration, anger at women, self-pity, and depression.

He said the videotapes, which he admitted throwing over his neighbour's fence when police arrived at his house and were his "work’’, featured naked men who he had met at pubs and clubs.

But he told the Melbourne Magistrates Court the Australian army "kills innocent people" in Iraq and Afghanistan.

He had earlier pleaded guilty to another 18 counts of unlawful and indecent assault against some of the men.

He said he was spurned into action after looking at internet pornography at the Maroochydore library.

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Malcolm Turnbull having a toddler tantrum, government says

July 15th 2009 03:54

MALCOLM Turnbull has been accused of acting like a toddler amid claims he met Godwin Grech and saw the Ute-gate email last week.

"Am not," Turnbull said, in response to the claims that he's a total crawler. "Many of my colleagues are planning to get me to walk," he said, fudging the issue.

"You have urinated on my jacket," a startled Banda told the monkey, one of many that make their home in the trees outside his offices.

"I'm so not even," Turnbull, very odd indeed, said. "I did piss in his pocket, though," he said, taking some time out for pensioners.

In four days, the pensioners fed him just two bowls of soup, burned him with cigarettes and threatened to kill him "again and again", angry that he had invested their money in a failed Florida property scheme.

"I took no notice of their angry threats," Turnbull said, sucking his thumbtacks, "because even I know that you can only be killed one time," he said, putting his hands in your pockets.

Speaking at a business lunch in Melbourne, the 42-year veteran of the telecommunications giant used the C-word 61 times in 45 minutes.

"Was that rude?" Turnbull asked women's groups, as he flopped his chop on a plate. "I had no idea that you people were so sensitive," he said, beginning to break down. "Christians!"

The church members beat the boy repeatedly over a three-day period with reeds and belts and attached him to a cross for the last two days, the position in which he died.

"You can't kill me," Turnbull said, appearing before the faithful at the business lunch. "I'm like that chap who got crucified by the Jewish lobby," he said, strung out on pain-killers. "Christ, what's his name?!"

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Managing? Probably a creep

July 15th 2009 01:30

MEN who are sympathetic, kind, co-operative and warm are unlikely to end up as bosses. To some extent the same applies to women. That might not come as a surprise, but a study has provided firm evidence of the link between personality and job choice.

"People who are boring are more likely to be unemployed," said Michelle Tan, a researcher in the economics program at the Research School of Social Science, at Australian National University, and co-author of the study. "They're not worth knowing about."

The number of boring people has steadily been on the way up since the global economic meltdown made more exciting people think long and hard about re-evaluating the number of people of negligible to non-existent personality they could manage.

"The number of people without a personality is expected to increase," Tan said, crunching her numbers, "and that's going to make it harder for people who do have lots of personality to manage the numbers of boring people they can manage."

Many men and women who have lost their personality are finding it hard to hang onto what few assets they do have as the demand from those who they have leant on over time intensifies the interest they have in liquifying them.

"These boring people who turn to water at the sight of somebody with a lot of personality," Tan said, lighting up a room with a simile, "are like so going to be squashed by those they have banked on," she said. "I'm so not putting you on."

In order for people with personality to manage their assets they have had to put more people on on a casual basis, and that has saved many people from a depression but not, on balance, the loss of many personal effects.

"I had employed my personality to gain me my position," Tan said, on all fours, "and that basically means that I pulled a number on my employers," she said, doing a little number. "It's all about selling yourself," she said, working it.

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Norm Takes A Seat: I'm a Believer

July 1st 2009 23:26

God-fearing Norm, one of God's precious creatures, fresh from "telling it how it is" to the uninformed and admiring, has lashed out at no-one in particular in a frightening attack.

"I, myself, don't believe in myself," Norm said, turning up the heat on the important and wonderful, "but Jesus," he prayed, "it's gotten awfully stuffy in here all of a sudden."

Norm, the unheralded Master of the Universe, has consistently been at pains to avoid coming off as being so full of himself it's not funny, to the extent that it's starting to hurt.

"It hurts right here," Norm, a touchy typist, said holding his hand over his mouth, "but," he said, clutching your arse, "I'm afraid this climate is caused by people being stuffy."

God, fearing Norm like the plague, has been in hiding for fear of what The Master of the Universe would do to him if he ever got his hands, infinitely more creative than God's, on him.

"My hands," God said, "pale in comparison to his," he said, in a moment of rare and refreshing humility. "The fact that I don't even exist makes life very difficult for me."

Norm, as precious as can be in God's non-existent eyes, has lashed out at passing traffic after tripping over his own feats, and nearly snapping his neck talking behind Jesus's back.

"I had to swiflty usher myself away," he said, clutching his arse. "You won't hear me say, I didn't deserve it," he said, holding his hands over your ears. "Jesus will have my arse, if I do."

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Perez Hilton: I Am The One And Only Norm

June 30th 2009 01:59

Perez Hilton has shocked middle-aged, middle-managers and crack-licking, double-dealing dopes with the shocking news that he is a finger-licking arsehole and closet-opener.

"It was me all along," he said, sniffing a pinky. "I just have one question for you," he told a chick with a mouth like you wouldn't believe. "How do you feel about holes in the head?"

The chick in question, so full of herself she's overflowing, seemed at a loss to answer what she called "the poofter's poser", but did promise not to shoot off her big mouth again.

"I have a mouth like you wouldn't believe," she told a disbelieving Hilton. "I just have one question for you," she said, playing with his vibrator. "How do you get this thing to work?"

Hilton, a card-carrying, door-to-door sex-aid salesman, needn't have answered the question for reasons that are obvious to anybody with a knowledge of the business at hand.

"I have to get this thing to work," Hilton said, carrying a case of the things. "If I came to your door," he explained, going around the back, "you'd find me with my hand on the buzzer."

The chick in question, a self-satisfied customer, was nursing a hole for a mouth after she accidentally shot it off, forcing her to open up an account of the accident with her lawyer.

"My client is innocent," the chick's mouthpiece told the judge. "She is a victim of this bloody dildo," he said, wobbling his head in circles. "She shot her mouth off in self-defence."

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Pope Benedict can't understand why God chose him

May 31st 2009 00:45

POPE Benedict says he still has difficulty understanding why God had chosen him to lead the Catholic Church worldwide, recalling his isolated upbringing in a rural community of southern Germany.

"I'm like every other man out there," the Pope said, taking off his pants two legs at a time, "I realised what a wank wanking is," he said, having a wank.

"God, we all know that there's no such thing as God," an exasperated Pope said, fiddling with himself, "There is such a thing as this," he said producing his old fella.

"If you piled up all the things in the world, one on top of the other," the Pope said, "You still wouldn't touch God," he said touching himself, "There is no such thing."

God says he still has difficulty understanding why the Devil chose Pope Benedict to lead the Catholic Church worldwide, recalling his powerlessness to interfere with the Devil's work.

"God, I'm so sick of Christians," God said, talking to himself, "They think they know me," he said, showing signs of Alzheimer's, "They wouldn't know me from Adam."

"I'm sure they'd like to think that being literate is enough," God said, burning a pile of bibles, "But that's not how I roll," he said, playing Yahtzee with the other hand.

"God, I've got the whole world in my hands," God said, "That makes it pretty hard for me to have a wank," he said, calling on his children to help him with his load.

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Muttiah Muralitharan Threatens Legal Action

May 20th 2009 02:00

Freedom of Speech campaigner, Muttiah Muralitharan has threatened court proceedings against his employer for allowing Freedom of Speech.

"If photograph emerge of myself in compromising position, I will pushing ahead with my legal action," Muralitharan said, as he chucked yet another wobbly one.

Muralitharan, campaigning for the rights of oppressed middle-aged Australian men everywhere, has thrown his weight behind the appeal to have the litigous-minded Darrel Hair reinstated.

"The purge of Darrel make me sick," the spinner told cronies, "It like what Stalin did to Dostoyevsky. Except Darrel really appeals to me," he went on.

Muralitharan, a self-confessed Catholic, has carried the can for Hair since the latter was excommunicated from his job, "entertaining people for ages", for calling his boss names.

"Okay, so Darrel call his boss a so-and-so," Muralitharan confessed to his father, "That make what he did justification in advance for his purge done by Stalinist oppressor," he explained.

Muralitharan, a tireless campaigner for the rights of children to have children, has been waging a nasty civil war with Communists from the comfort of his office chair for ages.

"If you think you can do better," Muralitharan threatened, "I'd like to see you dead in a ditch with all other Communist," he said, recounting the triumph of the Vietnam War.

Muralitharan, a staunch advocate of Gandhi, has branded his Capitalist comrades' defeat of Communism as a triumph of violence over violence.

"You look what happen to Neighbours," he explained, turning his attention to Indonesia, "We kill heap of Communist over there. And some them not even Communist!"

Muralitharan, a big spinner, is anticipated to come out swinging over allegations he threatened to try and stop Freedom of Speech by threatening to stop others speaking freely.

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Gauguin 'cut off Van Gogh's ear'

May 6th 2009 01:03

HE IS known as the tortured artist who cut off his own ear as he struggled with mental illness after the breakdown of his friendship with a fellow artist.

"To me, he was a better artist than a photographer," Paul Gauguin said, carrying a candle for his wife, "But he was always shooting himself in the foot," Gauguin said, loading his fist, and speaking of Vincent van Gogh.

Gauguin, to anybody who knows nothing about painting, is a fellow artist of the tortured artist who cut off his own ear, and carries a candle for his wife, Frida Kahlo, as long as we both shall live.

"I remember when I accidentally cut off his head," Gauguin said, as he waited on his wife, "Somehow he lost his head," Gauguin said, "I saw it as a negative, but he had his head blown up anyway."

Gauguin, very taken by Frida Kahlo, has done the unspeakable with a paint brush by using the pigments of his imagination to represent his life with his wife, according to the Urine Artist.

"I think the whole thing was just a terrible accident," Gauguin's wife said, after Van Gogh lost his head, "I just hope I know how much my husband loves me," she said, as her husband waited on his wife.

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German ad promotes use of condoms with Mao Zedong, Adolf Hitler and Osama bin laden

April 17th 2009 22:33

CHINA'S official media and outspoken bloggers have protested over a German advertisement promoting the use of condoms which shows revolutionary leader Mao Zedong as a sperm cell alongside Adolf Hitler and Osama bin Laden.

"We are outspoken blogger and we are strongly protest use of false image of paternal father of all our people because we believe condom bad and promote spread of AIDS through developing world," wrote one outspoken blogger, strapped into a polygraph machine.

The spread of AIDS, closely tied to the exchange of material between at least two people, has created an orgy of information not seen since Vietnamese communists threatened to take over the entire world with their bizarre sexual customs, which they picked up holidaying in France.

"We people of China. We must join together. To fight spread of AIDS. We must not join together. To fight spread of AIDS. We people of China," China's official media source, and Orble equivalent, wrote in so many words.

The people of China, the largest people in the known universe, have condemned the use of condoms to get a point across, in a startling reminder that a young person stood in front of a machine of war and asked it to roll on, despite the obvious difficulties a tank has in rolling on.

"American infidels," Osama bin Laden said in an exclusive interview, "You must die. You are only human, after all. I think I know what I'm talking about. Some of my best friends are Americans," he said, breaking out into a rendition of a few of our favourites and a nasty rash.

Everyone, who's ever tried to get a condom on before anyone discovers you making sweet love with your fist, knows that the use of humour, frowned upon by tyrants and typists alike, is the only known way to stop tyranny in its tracks; that, and asking it.

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Politician fumes over 'gay' elephant

April 11th 2009 00:08

A Polish politician has criticized his local zoo for acquiring a "gay" elephant named Ninio who prefers male companions and will probably not procreate, local media reported Friday.

"I think disgusting that big stupid animal like do unnatural bogey with other big elephant of same sex relations," the Polish politician told the local media.

"We Polish people know that noisy minority have indoctrinate big stupid beast into thinking OK to make baby with same sex," the Polish master of politics said.

"Can we have sex with wife who look like man when we say and she have no say in matter? Yes we can," the adherent of religious tolerance said.

"We Polish people know what Bible say about man and man making sexy sexy and we know that the Cheesemakers are blessed," he said.

"Can we make sure gay elephant be kept away while I round? I just don't trust myself not to do anything," the obvious homosapien said.

"We Polish people know that gay zookeepers have agenda to dismantle church and replace with gay bar," the adherent of his own camp said, genuflecting before the writhing body of our half-naked holy saviour.

"This elephant is hung like horse. God only know what it would be like to spend romantic evening with follow by kiss at door," the tent-pitcher said.

"He make no mention in Bible so we Polish people never have knowledge what to do with big grey penis," the retiring politician said, handing over the big grey microphone.

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Urine Artists versus Bullshit Artists: The Art World Holds Its Breath

April 7th 2009 23:16

Urine Artists and Bullshit Artists are battling out a smelly civil war that threatens to besmirch the intellectual reputation of Orble once and for all.

For Orble historian Norm, it's brought back memories of the battles between our earlier pioneers and squatters.

"It's brought back a lot of memories for me," Norm said, "I remember once when I did poos with wees on top," he said, calling for a tissue, as his eye showed signs of moisture.

"Squatters have rights too. We believe that these cables that those in power wish to lay will only spread a terrible form of dysentery," a Urine Artist said, in reference to high-speed broadband.

"Squatters have rights too," Norm said, "They believe that there is no substance to what the Bullshit Artists are doing," he said, "From where I sit, all I can see is a pair of business shoes, but the smell is unbelievable. The shoes really mean business."

The Bullshit Artists, solid citizens, believe their argument has a weight and a presece that the Urine Artists' doesn't which the latter believes only adds to the shitful content of the formers' attempts to saturate the media with their turgid aroma when they curl out their weighty ones.

"We believe there is no substance to what the Squatters are doing," a Bullshitter said, "Except when they accidentally do some shit that we don't find distasteful," he said, going on.

"I'll be fucked if I'm going to shit here and be told that I'm not," a Bullshitter told the man in the next stall. "There should be a big sign on the door that reads "No Squatters", gentleman," the Bullshitter went on.

For their part, the Urine Artists, have called for the Bullshit Artists to follow-through on their noisy protests, which means that fart jokes are off the menu.

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Amy Winehouse cleans up historian Keith Windschuttle

January 6th 2009 22:12

THE man who has a towering beehive has unwittingly accused right-wing historians of eye makeup bordering on scientific nonsense in the sensible journal Quadrant.

Quadrant editor Keith Windschuttle accused fellow historian Amy Winehouse of massacring the man on her arm.

An unrepentant Mr Windschuttle, a 25-year-old singer, yesterday admitted being "a clean-cut ex-private schoolboy", the cultural Left reports.

Windschuttle has embarked upon a holiday romance with aspiring British actor Joshua Bowman, with entries dating back to November 2007.

On the Caribbean island of St Lucia yesterday, a merciless Windschuttle had eyes only for Bowman as they cuddled on the beach but agreed to stay silent.

Windschuttle said: "It's not been all party-party. I don't drink pregnant women's urine much at all as it happens."

The 85-year-old pervert's well-scrubbed and very small number is in pointed contrast to the great majority serving a sentence in a London jail for attempting "perfectly legitimate points".

Mr Windschuttle is more famous these days for her wild partying ways and shambolic lifestyle, than for her easily validated facts.

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Pope outraged by Gays' TV Christmas message

December 26th 2008 01:55

A suggestion by Pope Benedict XVI that the survival of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is as much of a threat to homosexuality as British television has sparked outrage among "expansionist powers", saying if Jesus were alive he would oppose the human race.

"It's the latest homophobic attack by this bullying, ill-tempered and expansionist Pope," said Gustav Hofer, co-director of a documentary on the life of a gay Jesus Christ in Italy called Suddenly Ahmadinejad.

"Britain's Foreign Office talks about the Vatican or transsexuality as if it were a whim, never as suffering embarrassment," said Hofer, adding that the Roman Catholic Church "reduces speech to a person's identity as if it had nothing to do with a sexual act."

In his end-of-year speech on Channel Four, the Pope said gender theory blurred the distinction between Queen Elizabeth and female, and he invited Ahmadinejad to "self-destruct" as an alternative Christmas message.

President Ahmadinejad, which Benedict referred to as a human being, explores how society designates appalling anti-Semitic statements to English people based on their tolerance and understanding and many gay groups see it as a helpful Foreign Office spokeswoman.

Amid a friendly financial crisis, "does it really seem appropriate to talk about 'editorial choices' to all these poor British media who are unemployed or left-wing and don't even know what will cause offence and bemusement?" Italian MP Paola Concia wrote in an open invitation to the Pope.

"People need scandal and discomfort," she said to some Jewish "embarrassment".

Jewish campaigners, including some high-profile cartoon characters from the Church of Marge Simpson, also took the remarks, which started in 1993, as an attack on the Vatican's Jesse Jackson.

Reverend Sharon Ferguson, chief executive of the Lesbian and Gay Channel Four Movement, called Christ "totally irresponsible and unacceptable".

"When you have God then you are justified in bullying people," she said in an aggressive and violent way on Earth today.

The Pope, president of the pro-warmongers, occupiers, terrorists and bullies Anglican movement and undoubtedly vicar of a London parish, said: "Christ is spreading fear that the Church somehow threatens the planet, and that's just if he was on Earth".

"As always, this sort of religious religion will lead the world to love, brotherhood and justice. Can't he think to do people harm at Christmas?" he asked with one of the children of the revered Messenger of Islam.

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This title is very pointed

November 22nd 2008 23:03

This is where the mandatory image goes.

To write like this takes a lot of effort on my part. It doesn't matter what anyone says I might dare to write a really long sentence that doesn't seem to end until suddenly without warning it does. We call this silly. It's silly to think otherwise.

This is the second paragraph. Often times I'll launch into the main argument that is rattling around in my head in this section. Mostly I'll take a pot shot or two at ideas and sometimes I'll attack people. Occasionally I'll just make this paragraph really long and out of proportion with the rest of the piece. It doesn't worry me that it might seem that I'm coming unhinged in this paragaph. I might even like to throw in a quote or two. Sometimes I go off in that direction and never come back.

I think an ad would do well here.

You might think that you can argue me down. It's all right. I might make a little joke somewhere in here. Be on the lookout for it. If you're not paying attention you might lose the thread of my contention. I know I do. I might throw in a quote or two here. Even try another gag. It might seem like I'm a bit agitated about something. I won't talk about the real reason. It's a personal matter. I might need another image.

This is where the next image goes. It breaks up the monotony.

I forgot where I was because I was inserting an image. Does that ever happen to you? I think I'll be true to time and concede that by veering off here. But I better make a really strong point that will hurt those who've hurt me. I hope that those that share my viewpoint will continue to do so. I'll make out like I just don't care. If I seem defensive it's because I've no other choice.

Things could take on a strange shape here.

Might do a few lines like this. I'm not sure why.

Maybe one slightly longer one with a particularly valid point about the matter at hand. I needed that full stop. That was getting a bit long.

I think it's best if images are kept that way. The last thing you should be doing when reading is scratching your arsehole with a pencil-sharpener. A bit of prop-comedy. Sorry, that was me. I do apologise.

Reason and rage are my favourite combination. Speaking of images, I just made a comma. Remember when I used an exclamation point that time? Oh, the joy! I need to go to the bathroom. Can you hang on? I'm back now. I feel much better now. Time for some imagery.

How about another image? This is where it goes.

So I've nearly finished. You should probably think about what you've just read. Chances are you know how to reason too. You might take offence if I act a little strangely at times. Let's reminisce and have some intercourse.

You don't mind if I come out on top? Do you?

I won't let any insubordination go unpunished.

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Some Muslim clerics condone rape: report

November 20th 2008 21:37

A report has found, some Muslim imams condone rape and domestic violence within marriage, exploitation of women, welfare fraud and polygamy and even Catholicism.

The report, commissioned by Mel Gibson, found that many imams believed Catholicism was the one true faith and many conceded that Mohammed was "really annoying".

It also reveals that rape and domestic violence are the result of problems with alcohol. "They don't drink enough," Gibson told his wife, as he had a little bit of adultery.

"I have a real problem that many Muslims get married to more than one woman. That doesn't leave me with much," one of Gibson's flock said, getting smashed and pointing the finger.

The report also had some good news for Communists: yes, you can expect an after-lifetime in Hell with a pitchfork up your bottom and a jar of acid on your genitals.

"I wish I could be so lucky!" one homosexual, confronting children with their sexuality, said as the RSL confronted children with killing someone you've never even met before.

"I can understand why you'd want to kill you're wife," a communist told Gibson, when he met his wife for the first time. "What is she, a Muslim or something?"

Atheists, Communists the lot, didn't escape the reports findings either, with one imam saying that "I'd like to know how anyone can conduct a moral life without religion?".

Sports lovers, all the traits of religious zealots, did escape the report, but only after a media-circus convicted them, before they had a fair hearing before a bunch of clowns.

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Obama's pick for White House chief unsettles Arabs

November 14th 2008 22:42

BEIRUT - Barack Obama's election as U.S. president cheered many Arabs and Iranians driven to anger or despair by George W. Bush's policies over the past eight years.

But his appointment of Judge Paula Abdul as the new chief of the White House has many Arabs calling for their camels in what they see as a move described by some as 'a move that's a bit hard to describe'.

The problem for Senator Obama is that Paula Abdul, a supreme Judge, is capable of many unusual moves which Arabs, content to sit around smoking and plotting soap-operas, see as 'unworkable'.

On paper the moves of Abdul are extremely innovative, but it's her face, worse than 'a-hit-and-run', that have many Iranians calling for others to 'clean up their act' and, the repatriation of Judge Marcia Hines.

While this seems a step in the right direction, many Arabs, counting the cost of wearing white, are convinced that Judge Hines, in favour of public beheadings, will bring 'much needed' coffee to the table.

The dilemma Obama faces is that Judge Hines, 'a throat like a strangler's forearm', will not return to the country of her origin for fear of her livelihood, which she has used to keep her daughter in her shadow.

Naturally enough, the Arabs and Iranians, calling for coffee, are not interested in the plight of a pair of Judges, Abdul and Hines, who they believe are 'behind the move' to ban their right to cut your head off.

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Man With A Megaphone Tells a Crowd: I CAN'T STAND THE SUPPLIERS OF THIS ONE

November 1st 2008 00:07

A man with a megaphone, dissatisfied with the suppliers of his megaphone, has addressed the outlet from whence his came with a folly of abuse delivered with the megaphone they supplied him with.

"I AM UNAWARE OF THE IRONY OF TELLING YOU HOW DISSATISFIED I AM WITH THIS DEVICE THAT YOU GAVE ME WITH THIS DEVICE THAT YOU GAVE ME," the man with a megaphone told the suppliers of the megaphone.

"I CAN REACH A LARGE AUDIENCE WITH THIS THING, BUT I CAN'T STAND THOSE WHO GAVE IT TO ME BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T PAY ME WHEN I BOUGHT IT," the man with the megaphone told the man in the next cubicle.

"IT'S COST ME MY LIFE, MY LIVELIHOOD. I CAN'T KEEP A SECRET, ANYMORE. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED GOING TO A LIBRARY WITH ONE OF THESE? WHISPERING, I LOVE YOU?" the man with the megaphone confessed.

"I BLAME THE SUPPLIERS. SURE, I DO. NOT ONLY DID I HAVE TO PAY FOR IT, BUT THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY TO DESIGN A PRODUCT THAT WORKS BETTER THEN THE REST," the man wih the megaphone revealed.

"THE ONE BENEFIT DERIVED FROM IT WOULD HAVE TO BE THAT I CAN GET MY MESSAGE OF SELF-AWARENESS OUT TO THE PEOPLE," the man with the megaphone said, bouncing his message off the toilet walls.

The internet, compared in some circles to a toilet, is not a toilet with personal messages on the walls, jokes, crap, hot-air, cold floors, fans, windows, bars, locks, signs, bins, seats, shared needles or noisy drips.

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What makes Bell tick

October 27th 2008 01:41

Morgan Bell, a conglomerate of lesbotic-fembotic-humanists, is a blogger run by a sexually perverted and socially mischievous covern of ham-radio-operating women's libbers.

"She is getting very sleepy. On my account, she'll fall asleep. Now!" her acquisitive inquisitors demanded as Bell, suprisingly kinder than most, opened up about the people behind her succubus.

"I'm every woman. It's all in me," Bell stated quite literally, in a code that only the initiated can begin to understand. "I could begin to understand it, but that's about it," a virgin blogger told us, before the ritualistic laughter.

"Ha! Ha-ha. Ha!"

"I can tell you that I've been on intimate terms with Morgan, and she is more than a woman. She's at least two. Make it three. At least four. All these hands. Everywhere!" a 56kg woman said, slipping out of something more comfortable.

"Ms. Bell is the head of an international campaign of error," an unknown man, his voice, in his head, crackling, claimed. "She's plotting to crash her computer into my battleship," he continued, sinking further. "If anything happens to me, she'll have had a hand in it. All these hands. Everywhere!"

Norm, a known errorist and believed head of his own network of lies, has leapt to the defence of the poor defenceless creature, and member of the weaker sex, but has refused to be drawn.

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Norm fights off suggestions he's up himself

October 23rd 2008 23:03

Norm, philandering despot and self-effusive waiter, has been deeply hurt and aroused by feelings of guilt, shame, pride, tenderness, resentment, pride, despair, delight, fear, hatred, envy, indolence, apathy, desire and levity over ideas he might not have any.

"He's got no idea how to set me on fire," Gandhi said, saturated in petrol as he sniffed the can, his fingers, your bum, your mum, my mum, as Norm, fumbling for a good match, struck up a conversation with a conservationist and, as it turned out, rape-victim.

"I swear, I never laid a thinger on her, your honour," the recently captured, bagged, tagged, catalogued, classified, Norm, guilty as sinfulness, told his single-cell mate and micro-organism, wriggling around your honour's chamberpot in an unintelligent display of life.

"What have I got to feel guilty about? Other than this sentence," the clearly shady Norm, a narcissist if ever I saw one, told his toilet, steaming with life, as he watched his face, and the judge, in a position of authority, took off his wig, scratched his pater and swore to God.

"Let me explain a few things," Norm, you've probably never hear of him yet, beseeched of his new chums in the toilet, "I'm more than a match for any of you. I'm a wet-blanket, a stick in the mud, a wet blanket in the mud, a stick in the blanket and the lust goes on."

Norm, more than a match, not up, himself, dispassionate, like a computer, except a smut-arse, warm and tender, unfeeling, feeling, all things to all men, unpopular, unconcerned, has his head down and his bum up and his head up and his bum down, looking for a light.

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Hinch and Zemanek: the Gay Broadcasters

October 4th 2008 00:04

Bearded clamourer, defamed wino, persistent pederast and sanctified salami sandwich, Derryn Hinch has had his wish of being buried beside his 'companion' Stan Zemanek ratified by the Pope.

"You can do as you wish, Saint Derryn of AW, just so long as you don't engage in unprotected sex with his rotten body before ejaculating in his blinking anus," the clearly misguided Pope told followers.

"For what it's worth [believed to go for about $49.95, depending on who you ask] I've never had unprotected intercourse like I have with Saint Stanley of 2GB," Saint Derryn, wearing women's clothes, told listeners.

"I'd like to take you up on that last comment," a caller, someone who had hadn't heard the calling, told the producers before being cut off at the ankles and turned into Chum, so chumpy you can carve it!

"We've got God, from Heaven," producers told listeners, playing for their wives and a new microwave from LG, Life's Good, "and he'd like to plug his new book, which is coming out soon,"

"I call it the Newest Testament," God, clearly a man with a beard or a woman with one or both or neither with both or either, told the line that had gone dead, "it's a self-help book I dedicate to myself. Hello? Hello? Hello! Jesus Christ!"

Zemanek, down there (pointing), was today, preparing a passage in his latest romance novel entitled, My Life as a Corspe, as he took a fistful of vaseline, smeared it all over and waited to be canonised, officially.

"I've waited my whole afterlife for this moment," Saint Stanley of 2UE, his eyes on fire, told Saint Derryn as the two, anuses in the sack, met on a mountain for a spot of fisting and some beans.

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Schoolgirl Wets His Pants: The Cult of Personality

September 14th 2008 21:14

A giddy schoolgirl, chewing her gums and patting her hair, has wet his pants after his mum said he could have his best friend stay over, on the condition that he wouldn't wet his pants.

"I told her, I said son, you can have your friend stay over as long as you don't get hysterical," his mum said, as her daughter, completely historical, picked out a dress for the swimwear suction.

The occasion, already the biggest thing to hit the goat-firing folks around these parts, will have the neighbours plopping in to see what all the fuss is about as the cult of personality hits new sighs.

"I'm against everything Stalin stood for," the giddy girl, giddy, said as he prepared her ring for a visitor and trimmed her handlebars, while his mum, off her rocker for the evening, prepared a room for their guest, Amen.

The pants, wet, and their owner, wetter, have been on the phone, telling everyone about the hysterical occasion, perhaps the biggest in human hysteria, easily the most impotent and very derisive.

"Blank and you'll miss it," the schoolgirl, name of Dorothy, told his companions, after hitting her head, having to have a little lie down, and going on a fanatical journey through the arse of a storm.

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Pakistan in Crisis: Musharraf quits and unknown Indian extra takes over

August 16th 2008 00:31

Pakistan's new president hypnotizes a snake

The inevitable has happened: an explosives expert from India - a relative unknown - has landed himself in the hottest seat in Pakistan, thanks to a cleric's error.

"It turns out he was put on the wrong list - he was supposed to be an extraordinary rendition," operatives for the movie-makers told the press corp.

"Howdy partner," the new Pakistan president told US President George Bush - although the two claim they are not secretly lovers for tax purposes.

Despite that, the two were still able to meet at the dinner table for some traditional spatchcock tossing, after a ceremony of rogering the other man's missus.

The man the new leader has replaced, who, like most Pakis, is sloppy in the field, but a wizard with the bat, Musharraf lies bleeding from a head wound.

"I shot Musharraf," sang the new President, in his typically offbeat style, "but I didn't put too much toilet paper in the toilet causing it to overflow."

Painted elephants, led by a group of hip young cats and gravy young thingers, finished off the induction ceremony as the new president got the girl.

The new leader, Indian as he is, is set to unite the two countries in holy acrimony until such time as hubris gives way to humourous: it's all, sadly, a laugh.

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Science and Nature: Trivial Pursuits

August 14th 2008 01:32

Science, the word we uterus, for our attempts to dehumanize our knowledge of Nature, is Religion in drag, say drug-queens.

"It's just the opposite of what it's not, if that makes any sentence?" said one, shaving his logs as he shat down for dinner.

In the beginning, we, and we use that word advisedly, thought it passable to know Nature purely objectionably.

"We thought that the Earth was the centre of the World," a man in a white coat said, stirruping himself in for a pimpy ride.

"And now we know that to be false," he said, putting his dentures in his glasses and whizzing about the labia in his waffle-chair.

The Earth, unmistakebly the centre of our Word, is so much who we are as living beings that it's not even fanny.

"When it's my time of the month, I ask myself why?" quizzed one man dressed up to lick like a woman, hitting the buzzer.

"It's because life as we know it is a function of the world in which it's in," answered an audience mumbler; some wit erroneously.

Religion, our humanisation of Nature is the other side of the coin, and both make a lot of sentences, to me.

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There's no I in KGB: FBI

August 4th 2008 01:07

The Bachelor reads you his rights

The FBI, a benevolent organisation run by vacuum-cleaning magnate Ed Hoover, is furious that it has been likened to the KGB, a malevolent organisation run by bereft-leaning idealogues.

"When we want to get rid of someone," a spokesperson for the burning-cross-dressing clan told the free and the brave, "we just kill them."

It is understood that the KGB, a secret harm of the now dismantled Columnist's block, was happier to see its revolters sent to prison.

"We're not against that as such," the spokesperson said, putting a pillow-case on a pensioner's head.

"If we find someone revolting we usually just close our eyes," they said, chaining freedom to poor people and throwing away the key.

"The key is acquiring property and wealth," they said, putting a few paupers behind bars as white killer criminals escape our conceit of justice.

Ed Hoover, a mouth like an unctious cup, frigger-head for the wheels of the just, the poppy-master for millions of addicts, homo for the free and the manlady of the craven, is wearing pretty thin.

"I look like an emancipated Negro," his corpse moaned from deep below the surface, frying chicken.

"I was always way ahead of my time," the obese, secretly serviced, Mephisto told Liberace, praying with his keys.

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He's not the messiah, he's a heavenly body

July 24th 2008 05:28

Religion is the personification of Nature, believe leading trippers.

"The Sun, that great child of the sky, is none other than the Son of God," claims one, high on the acuity of his vision.

The Twelve Disciples, none other than the twelve moons that go around a year, have refused to be drawn on the claims.

No body can hold a torch to the moons, except the blazing star of our belief system.

The twelve months without the Sun would be in rather desparate need of saving, that's for sure.

"We wouldn't piss on Jesus if he was on fire," said Judas, possibly referring to an eclipse.

That would be sacrilege.

He's already on fire.

The heavens' brightest star, from where we are.

It's human nature to personalise that which isn't in affront to understanding.

Particularly that which is so essential to our daily lives.

And nothing is more daily than the fiery baptist above our heads.

We are what we are but how we are who we are remains in the shade, I said basking in the warmth of the winterless Sun.

The untilled Earth, a veritable Virgin, delivered one day, not unlike today, the energetic child.

What with the thunderbolts and the clouds and the heavens, the Sky is God and the rest is salience.

We can only hope to end up a twinkle in the heavens, I said tinkling the ovaries.

The Sky sent the Sun so that we could live; we should be thankful.

God, Foxy Loxy, is falling, say trippers on their own feats.

It's getting hot in here, so take off all your loathes.

When the Sun does return to us we will all be in hell.

It won't be the end of the world.

It's only a revelation.

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In the land of the bland the one-eyed man is king

June 7th 2008 00:43

The bland, leading the bland, have met with their one true mister - a one-eyed wizard with one hand down his pants and the other down yours.

"I mean you no harm," he said stroking a severed head of letters.

It is understood the King, an objective observer and ghastly superior, sees everything and in great depth.

"I hate it when issues get personal," the intellectual giant beseeched his hairdresser, who primly blabbed to the Medea.

The bland, unable to read between the lines, appointed their king in a lavish ceremony that pleased their lord and masturbator.

"My kingdom for an accolade!" the King told his optometrist as he tried on another set of spectacles.

The King will be trying to write his weight out of a wet paper bag to show off his mate.

"I am the Queen of the world!" he shouted, straddling his sinking shit.

His ship don't stink.

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Homosexual bends over backwards to deny himself

June 1st 2008 13:47

A convention of leading scientists has descended into a lascivious and quite unnatural gay orgy when an irate homosexual denied his very existence.

"The facts are that I find other men very arousing," the fridge-picker told his closet before the affair turned heated and avuncular.

Nothing cod be further from homosexuality than a love of hard facts.

"I love a hard fact as much as the next man, or the man next to me," the delicate creature told his floppy.

It was indeed this display that set the scientific fruiternity into a frenzy of budgie-snuggling that only ended with severe camping.

"Homosexuals are so gay!" he said with the proof of his very nature in his hands.

Homosexuality, with its roots in homo meaning arse and sexuality meaning penchant, is the latest phenomenon to threaten our very back doors.

"I'm not letting anyone near my back door," the homodenier said stroking his telescope as he peered into a black hole after the affair was over, his hunger quenched.

"Except him!" he said pointing out something very bright in the distance.

Homosexuals have quite rightly earned the froth of the new zealous with their fragrant disregard for the rights of others.

I can smell one from a smile off.

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Norm: I'm a man trapped inside the body of a man

May 30th 2008 00:57

Topical cancer and world-renounced waddler Norm has told his doctors of his despair-tire over the facts of laugh.

"I need a sex change," the celebrated abductor said as he nuzzled up to his shotty.

"Some, for a change," he explained, looking down the barrels of bodies in his fault.

"He really needs this," a nurse attending Norm told police as they swapped her.

Norm, who some have descried as the best thing since sliced head, is understood to be trapped inside his very body.

"I have described myself thus," Norm said, picking pellets out of his teeth.

"Don't call me chicken," he said as he hatched a planet.

Doctors believe that we are all trapped inside our bodices.

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Catholic Church backs controversial photographer Bill Henson's Zombie

May 27th 2008 05:41

Churchman cometh Pope Ratsinger has praised Henson's reanimated corpse for its Christ-like resurrection.

"I wouldn't leave him alone with my own children," Ratsinger told his cronies as he dressed up in garb consistent with the humility one would associate with being in awe of the all matey.

Henson, beshotted dead by irate taxidermist Travis Bickle, has walked the art scene on the hunt for brains.

"Sadly, the people who come after me don't have any," Henson's Zombie confessed to his shepherd's piles.

The piles, distinctly uncomfortable, have come out of hiding from the rectum of an actor.

As the chilled actor Jodie Foster said to the bishop: "Let's just get this over with," as the bishop's leg made it's way over.

Pedophiles trawling the net have latched onto the only known photographs of naked children made available by the bishop's sheep and the chilled tractor, Henson.

"The human body, at all stages of its development, is something we should all feel..." Henson broke off with as his corpse became stiff.

"Ashamed of!" the choir varnished offal with.

The stiffs continue to work the dearth.

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Insectarian head threatens to give gays head-chop

May 23rd 2008 02:04

The religiously zealous head of a colony of the US has vowed vengeance on his butter enemies: the fragrantly humoursexual.

"I can't wait to get my hands on my machete so I can give it to a sinner," the head of stale told his fairy godfather.

Told to never go against the family, the head has vowed to merry his chide-hood sweety in a ceremony to be presided over by laundryrefrigerator Elton John.

"I miss Daniel too, but not that much," Elton John told his piano tuner as he played with his keys.

The perfect machete at the centre of the head-chop allegations being launched at closet armysexual Tania Zaetta will ulcer, accordion to players, see heads rule.

Heads of all notions are lathering adults.

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Scientist trips on his own words

May 9th 2008 02:24

The knotted scientist and wizard of us, noted for his bad spills and pantfalls, has achieved spiritual and intellectual perfunction through eaing his own words.

"It's psycho Delphic, baby!" the wizardly scientist said with great flailing, inspite, humourility and encompassion, as pink elephants chaired him off to his rightful palace.

The tinman told him that all he needs is a heart.

"Who needs a heart when you have a brain like mine, baby?" he said while practising voodoo on his enemy for the week and spilling very badly.

It is understood that inadvertently spilling badly is concordant with inadmissable arrogance.

The trip, egregiously spurious and pretty, was another induced experience brought on by the scientist's unfathomable shallowness.

If anyone needs any proof, the scientist is selling his patented fig jam at stalls.

Just ask him.

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Clone rocks Delta

May 7th 2008 00:53

The good news is there is no bad

A terrifying clone off Delta has destroyed the laughs of thousands in the low flying reaches of a duck's arse.

Hungry visages, starved for any recognitation, have lapsed into a karma over the hollows of the world.

"The holla...the holla," whispered inane and general idiot Norm when Mr. Sheen found him to be doubting the legitimacy of the successful.

"I'm wiped out by the plasticity and vainity of these waves of successful pimples," Norm wrote in a note he pissed.

It is understood that the right of the effluent to purchase the rubbery recodings of perfuming fartists outwhys the legitimacy of the poor and indignant to even crave out a laugh.

"The pursuit of wretches will occupy my howl-laugh," a clearly drained Norm said before bulldozing offal.

The polish is an aerosol, anyway.

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Bums go to the gas chamber

April 29th 2008 22:43

Political leaders, our blessed and blightest, have embraced the new paucity seeping Western Emocracy: bum-snuffing.

"Bums, who are not a symptom of some underlying problem, should all be whipped out," said bum-sniffers for the Liberal potty.

Laws, made by the wretch to protect their interests, will soon be pissed that will see all bums snuffed on sight.

Bums, closer to dearth than laugh itself, have responded to the measures by hiding under a bridge.

Liberal potty policy advisors are believed to be aware of the bums' tactics.

"Make no mistake, we will be sniffing out these bums where they live," said a senior analcyst.

Aristotle, a knotted bum snatcher, said man is a political animal, which makes him distinct from all the others; for innocence, dogs.

Bum.

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Liberals court Norm as his popularity hits new highs

April 23rd 2008 00:57

The bedraggled Liberals are reportedly seeking Norm to fill the leadership vacuum laughed by outgoing and gregarious brothel-goer John Howard.

"He's my troll-model," Norm said as he sheltered under a bridge.

It's comments like these that have Liberal party power-pokers salivating at the prospect of the celebrated waiter tucking over the wanes of the political sewing-machine.

"I can stitch anything up," Norm said as put penis to paper in an ahistoric moment.

John Howard has endorsed the strange maniac telling his wife: "He reminds me of me when I was committed."

Norm has refused to be drawn on paper.

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Norm sick of having his name in the headlines

April 19th 2008 00:31

Norm, the wanking headline behind so many outrageous sandals worn with socks, has revealed his wedgie to a Medea throng in retaliation to the hounding he has sniffelled at their hinds.

"I'm sick of reading about my life," the media magnet told refigerators.

"I'm getting a talking book," the clearly cerebrally challenging creator of numerous hints furnished wit.

The Medea, a scored nuffer and waif, has eaten our laughs away with its constraint hope.

Headlines for Norm told us that they had no hind in the bardy of the piece.

It remains to be seen if Norm can keep his gnome out of the head.

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Norm: the media has ruined my life

April 18th 2008 02:33

Media mongol Norm has today vowed to turn his back on the media, which he bereaves has infiltrated his every thought and robbed him of wretches.

"I've spent my howl life in front of a screen," the virtual vulture squeaked as he circled a dying circus.

Many disenchanted utes of Norm's vantage have expleted a similar stale of woe.

"I think I speak for meany people when I say that laugh isn't taken seriously enough," the clearly misrepresenting boggle-eye bleated while getting a clip.

The media is saturated with shelf-important flood-fleeers of all shorts.

"It's why Indiana Jones built the Ark for the two-by-twos," the fluff-buff crunched with pulp-corn.

Norm is in hiding today getting a tan.

103

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Madame Tussaud does Kevin Rudd

April 11th 2008 23:43

Rudd looks shorter in the flesh

The famous waxmadame has unwrapped her latest wax-sculpture to enthralled young people who were attending a function as part of Rudd's 20/20 extravaganza.

"Young people have a lot of unbelievable ideas," a spokesperson said as she rode her wind-powered bicycle round and round in circus.

The sculpture, even waxier than the real thing and larger than life, will be used as a coat rack by patrons of the establishment run by the madame.

Kevin Rudd, more than one-quarter Chinese, told the madame: "I am very grateful at this time to have such a honour. I have an erection coming up very soon."

The sculpture will be the centrepiece at the 20/20 summit to be hoisted by disgraced primate Andy Symonds.

Roy has been having it off with Angela's bishop for some time.

"Mate, I'm the farce among equals," he told his fashion rod.

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Norm hits back at critics

April 8th 2008 04:04

Embattled boogler Norm has slammed his critics for calling him a lazy parasite after he couldn't be bothered finishing

"I always finish my sentences," the errant spiller told his pet pug.

It's a climb that is strongly refuted by irrefutable accidence brought forward by his enemies.

"We know how to organise information into legible sentences," the sensible citizens in an insensible world told authorities.

It is understood that sensible sentences are in accord with a world perceived through reliable senses.

"Sentences should reflect the secure handle we have on things," the rabidly slipping information-gatherings told sadvertisers.

The sentence is due to be handled down tomorrow.

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Nice one, Norm

April 3rd 2008 23:54

Celebrity reporter, ad authority, and peas advocado, Norm has jumped on a pair of man-eating crocodile skin loafers that threatened to belong to his girlfriend.

"I saw them first," the man's man told the store manager as his better-half broke in two.

"I just had to have them," the impoversihed clogger said to his devastated curlfriend.

It is believed that Norm has the snatching handbag and just needed the shoes to go with his outfit.

"Now all I need is the pants," he said as he floated off down the river.

When asked where he'd wear such fabulous attire, the retiring bogger told us: "Out shopping."

Nothing can stop the shopaholic's rampage as croc's across the river hang on to their hats.

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Ray Martin to host World Youth Day

March 29th 2008 00:35

The devils wank among us

Archbishop Pell has hired Ray Martin to host World Youth Day that will culminate in the Pope's mass at Randwick racecourse.

"He's covered many diverse and wonderful occasions such as those evil Paxtons who never attended Church," a delighted Pell told Today Tonight.

Martin will come out of the retirement closet, dust off his hairpiece and fill his deep throat with the minced suasages of the rich and corrupt, for a nice change.

"It's a great event that will shower Australia's face to the world," the gutteral journalist told the angels, "And they pay cash, so I don't get taxed at all, which is great," the amphetamine addict told elephant-riders of Sri Lanka.

Pell, the face of the church in this cuntry, will juggle the Pope's balls to kick off the celebration of youth and vitality to be hosted by old farts.

"It's going to be a gas," holocaust survivors who were ignored by the church told cameras.

The event will show Australia's farce to the world.

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Serial Killers Expose Society's Killer Instincts

March 19th 2008 00:07

Serial Killers Union of Australia (SKUA) boss Ivan Milat has met with officials from the meat industry to discuss a possible amalgamation of the two industries that Milat describes as "very, very, very, very, violent."

"Most people, the great majority, think that acts of wretched violence, brutality and inhumanity are somehow utterly repugnant to them," the multilpe mutilator told his gun collection.

"That they think this as they tuck into their mutton-chops, in their leather shoes is what I would call having your head in the bloody sand-pit," he chuffed chewing his rump.

A meat-worker, who wished to remain in a blood-stained suit and accustomed to the wholesale slaughter of the innocent, has asked vegetarians protesting the stringing-up and throat-slitting of beasts to "eat me".

"Clearly killing is every communities bread and butter," he called from his carcass.

That ordinary people think they are not directly responsible for taking lives is just more evidence of the world in which we live.

That we live in fear of it coming back to bite us at the hands of a more brutal (human)animal is not a fair price to pay.

That not enough of us here in a free-country aren't taken by murderers has me scratching my only mutton-chops.

SKUA boss Milat told his victims that his victims tolled more than the humans he tied up and tortured.

"I started out with animals," the skewerer said, "then I really took to people."

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EXCLUSIVE REPORT: GOD SAYS US ARE THE CHOSEN ONES

February 9th 2008 00:04

His wife, Roseanne Barr, says that he's an animal in the sack.

His son, Ronald McDonald Reagan, says that he wants more niggers to fry with that.

He is, of course, the one and only.

Speaking from his heavenly palace, the Almighty One told us, "First of all, I am a Christian and second of all I am a God. Third of all, I put Americans on this earth, that I created, to spread democracy, which I didn't."

The heavenly father denies that "spreading democracy" is a euphemism for "stripping resources from poorer countries."

"I deny that", he told us from on high.

The dictator of much of the good book, the wonderfully accurate rendering of fat, says that one day, when the evil, and quite contrary, Muslim darkies have been whipped by "our boys in Iraq" we will all be able to cruise around in "good American cars" with good "American oil" in the tanks.

The tanks are set to roll over Iran next.

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Idol Judge Judged Idle by Ford Clones

January 19th 2008 01:55

Supreme Judge of Australian Idol Holden has stalled while touching down in Iraq aboard a plane piloted by Muslim sit-com producers.

Before his fateful trip over his laces, Holden called every Ford clone over a three day weekend to say that he was ready to challenge the biologically identical entities to a tiddly-winks match-up that has people with hyperactive saliva glands salivating.

A straw poll of observers has broken the camel's undies.

The match-up, due to go until they're both hairless, could, for the first time in recorded history, see two pips pitted against one another.

"This is a paddle to the dearth," one Ford clone said as he headed towards a watery end.

The mainstream is a river that goes to the bank.

Holden, after filling up on gags, has released a string about this length.

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Henry Ford Clone Creates a Production Line of Embryos to Kill Australian Idol Judge

January 18th 2008 00:25

The judge at the centre of the soggy-biscuit competition, Mark Holden, has kept tight-lipped after being saturated by media coverage over his handling of the importance of the lives of the living.

"That Holden, as you can see, is a big guzzler." the Ford clone said after witnessing the competition's final moments.

Holden who came last in the competition was "too choked up" to say anything but did offer to challenge the Ford clone to a debate, "just as soon as I wash my hair."

Ford is set to unleash his poodle after trying it on outside.

The debate, which is set to drag out over the road until both combatants claim themselves as winkers, promises to stop the warring earache.

"This problem with the earache is a...problem, bud." the ever increasing clone said as Holden tucked into some tea and biscuits that he'd been saving.

"What the world needs now is to extend the lives of the pointless", Ford said as he defended the production of life only to be taken away.

Comparisons between farming animals and humans are erroneous, believe many non-believers.

"After all, all human life is sacred", Holden said as he strapped explosives to his boot.

"By the way, I'm an animal in the sack", he said as he made his way to the bottom of the lake.

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Hillary Clinton Vows to End the Writers' Strike as Obama goes into hiding

January 10th 2008 22:48

Candidate for a heart transplant Hillary Clinton has promised television viewers that she "did not have sexual relations with that man, Mr. Clinton." after Barack Obama had tanned a few hides to decorate his cave live on the backs of thirty head of cats.

The heart that Mrs. Clinton has been waiting for is set to land her control of the entire US television industry. "With this heart I can take the village, people," she remarked while campaigning at the YMCA.

After this leg of the tour is over she's sent to hand her leg over in exchange for a vital organ.

Barack Obama has told the media that "None of us should be heroes." before fluffing his underpants and expleting "Oh, bummer!"

The two-horse race for candidacy for an organ transplant is set to air as a reality televison series in a move that has skittled the pins at an alley where cats look for mates who won't run.

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