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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

Poached Sweet Corny - Consumption Malfunction

Gone with the Marathon Man

June 1st 2008 01:18
“Is it safe?”
“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”
“Is it safe?”
“Is it safe?”
“Is it safe?”
“Is what safe?”
“Is it safe?”
“What?”
“Is it safe?”
“Like a house.”
“So it is safe then, that’s a relief. I was very worried there for a moment.”
“Me too, but now I know it’s safe, I can relax.”
“Frankly, is it safe?”
“I don’t give a damn!”
“Is it safe?”
“Exceedingly!”
“Very well.”
“Very!”
“Well, I don’t even know any more.”
“It is safe.”
“Is it?”
“Yes, yes. Very safe. Very, very safe.”
“I’m not so sure.”
“If it wasn’t, would I say it was?”
“I don’t know you that well.”
“Well, I do.”
“Knowing you, I’d say not.”
“Yes, but you don’t.”
“All I want to know is if it’s safe.”
“I keep telling you that it is.”
“What?”
“It!”
“It’s safe to say it’s not safe then.”
“It is safe.”
“Is it safe, is it? Is it really?”
“Really, really safe!”
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Entertainment, Poached, Sweet, Corny
   


Beat Hikers Over the Head with a Stick

May 2nd 2008 01:44
Overwhelmingly, Australian market economists are expecting the Reserve Bank of Australia to wear frilly undies while taking a wooden spoon on the buttocks this week. The impending rate rise is in response to severe tropical weather figures for the fifth quarter. And so, with another interesting rake hike to deal with, here are ten ways you can scrounge up some extra cash each month to meet your mortgage repayments and keep that smiling face on your head you've grown so very accustomed to over the eons:

1. Go troppo in the queue at the supermarket. Analysts believe that psychotic individuals are 5 times more likely to have free meals than ordinary nuerotics.
2. Sell your body for a few quick bucks. 3 out of 17 marriages are arranged by a pasta-eating magnet-salesman with a dodgy leg twitch and two manic mittens of disproportionate dimensional aspect.
3. Yodel. People with tense chords are unlikely to be understood by your average wallet whacker. Being understood is a profitable mistake you can easily make.
4. See 5.
5. See 4.
6. Erupt at the bank like you was a volcano with a sawn off shotty and a baklava. Greek pastries go well up top and less well down the back.
7. Review the contents of your knickerbockers.
8. Fit in with society. It's what everyone is supposed to do. You are no different to everyone. Everyone is composed of anyone. Anyone: that could be you.
9. Die without fuss or ticker-tape parades. No open coffin ticker-tape worms for you. Not in this life.
10. Become a celebrity. Don't be afraid to have your image plastered all over your visage.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Money, Poached, Sweet, Corny
   


Norman Bates Holds Slide Night

March 13th 2008 02:44
Mum's the word

The convicted felon took bored guests through photographs of his travails throughout poor countries in an evening of showering and sandwiches.

The Vietnam veterinarian, a purple-heart transplant recipient, told committees and jurors, white and true, that his heart bleats for the innocent.

"I'm very happy to be able to to have you here," he told embezzlers and Iranian thieves on hand.

"I just wish my mother could have made it," he said while lying on his mother's dentures.

When asked why she wasn't able to make the evening, she told daddy-long legs: "I couldn't be stuffed."

Mrs. Bates told hooked addicts, whilst playing with her fly, that a mother's best friend is himself.





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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Poached, Sweet, Corny
   


Sting ends chase for Pumpkin's dad

March 1st 2008 00:57
The Chinese Police is torture to dissidents

The former Police chief, Sting, has told told a Pumpkin's dad that he's never been so in love with someone who wasn't himself, after the vegetable's father vowed to weld him.

The vegetable's father, no less a vegetable than his progeny, when asked: "Will you take his hand in marriage?", could only say: "Let's not get mushy.", before slipping back into a coma.

The welding ceremony guests were entertained by a Chinese Police band.

They have told Sting that they can make him disappear in a magic trick that has David Copperfield angry.

"I'll make them disappear," Copperfield told Dickensian authors trapped in strait-jackets, "Then I'm going to saw their wives in half."

Chinese students have stood in front of a tank of water before turning to soup.
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Posted By: Norm - Category: Family, Poached, Sweet, Corny
   




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