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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

The word's greatest spiller, kiddy porn controversy denier, humble pie manufacturer, bigot squasher, argumentative tail-chaser, ignored and vilified martyr, tea-slipper, Kamahl enthusiast, heroic saviour of the maniacal and depressed, donkey-wielder, robot-inventor, carrot-catcher and man with a pair of sucks down his pants, has scoffed at claims he can't spell Karl Marx.

"Put it in a sentence," he said adjusting his larger-than-life sized image of himself emblazoned on his jockeys.

Lay off the whip, for pity's ache.

"Karl Marx was someone who sat around while working robots went about their lives," the master of the unceremonious replied.

It was at this point that the champion smeller, a champion in every sentence of words, fluffed his pants.

"There's not a word I know, and I know them all, that I don't know the meaning of, let alone know how to smell," he said, sitting around while working people went about other peoples' businesses.

"C-A-R-L," he spelled Karl.

I'm sensing this isn't how to conduct yourself in public.

I hate to sound like a smarty pants.

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Size matters to buffs
There are no holes in these buckets, so fix it

From a book by award-winning novellist and pedestrian, Norman Mailer, comes the new movie about a man born with a penis that lets him down in every department store.

Directed by the very well endowed kiddie cuddler Roman Polanski and starring the elephantine Danny de Vito, the movie has producers pumped.

"We're worried our penises are not quite up to the mark," said CSI's Jerry "The Giant Jangler" Bruckheimer.

Whatever it is about The Man With The Average Penis Size, audiences are putting their hands in their pockets.

"When you see a man with an average size penis on the big screen it suddenly makes you feel your own," said one film-goer's companion.

Critics have put it under the microscope and come out with sore eyes.

"It's better than average," wrote Large Leonard Maltin in his review of the edge of your seat thriller.

Already a prequel is in the works, simply called The Man With The Below Average Penis Size, but producers are holding off until they see how audiences swallow this one.
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