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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

Bad news for record lottery 'winner'

February 17th 2010 23:51
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DIGGERS are using cocaine, heroin and other hard drugs while on tours of duty in Afghanistan and are returning home as addicts.

The RSL has issued a warning to all its members through President Dan Murphy who has stated publicly that all bottles of scotch are 15% off normal prices.

"The problem we have with cocaine and heroin addicts," Dan Murphy said, "is that they imagine that somehow they don't need our low, low prices."

"In some ways these Diggers are like Marco Polo," he said. "In that they brought democracy and brought back an addiction to getting off their noodle."

"In other ways they're like that crazy homeless drunk man on the corner, Paul Gascoigne," he said. "In that they're hanging around corners looking to score."

"In other ways they're like any other Afghan rug-head," he said. "In that they have a problem with our way of life that puts them at risk of terrorising the community."

"In other ways they're like Islamic extremists," he said. "In that they won't touch a drop of alcohol, at any cost. It's costing us when they shoot themselves up."

The RSL, proud to bring you the war on foreign terra, have hinted at plans to build the first RSL Cocaine Snorting Room inside the toilet of a social club in Queensland.


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The U.S. Navy shot dead three Somali pirates and rescued cargo ship captain Richard Phillips on Sunday from a lifeboat off the coast of Somalia where he was being held captive, ending a five-day standoff.

As anticipated by technostuffs.com, the U.S. Navy utilised the latest in leg massage technology to stretch its muscles in whipping the ass of the pirates responsible for releasing Hugh Jackman's latest movie, illegally.

"We Somali people take full responsibilty for teachings of Mohammed and the sexy legs of world's sexiest man who make a killing while we make pirates," were the dying words of one of the dying pirates, who died as a result of being pumped full of it, and a sore leg.

"To be honest when we boarded the ship and shot the pirates, we found them torturing cargo ship captain Richard Phillips, who was in agony because of 'traveler’s leg soreness syndrome', which violates the Geneva convention for the treatment of a sore leg," a stand-offish rescuer said.

Cargo ship captain Richard Phillips was relieved of his womanly duties and immediately taken aboard the mother-ship and a Traveler’s Leg Massager applied to the offending appendages, as his condition threatened to worsen rapidly.

"His condition was worsening rapidly," said a spokesman for an independent research company, "It was decided that the best course of action was to find as many leg massagers as possible, or else he might develop pins and needles."

The rescuers set the co-ordinates for the capitalist enclave of Thailand in a journey that agreed with the entire crew and cast of the world's sexiest man's latest untimely offering, as the female workfore of Thailand readied their hands to make with the massagers.

"Do you have any idea how long it takes to ship a cargo of leg massagers all the way to the coast of Africa?" a bewildered cargo ship captain Richard Phillips asked, kissing his leg soreness bon voyage.

Traveler's Leg Massager is manufactured in Thailand and retails for around $149.95, plus shipping and handling.
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The 41-year-old actress has revealed she "filmed himself masturbating" in her seat throughout the Sydney premiere because she was A MAN.

She said: "I can't answer traffic, firearms and drug offences and be proud of what I've done. I sat there, and I looked at magistrate Sue Oliver and went, 'Am I bizarre to say the least?' But I thought Brandon Walters and Hugh Jackman were smoking cannabis while driving. It's just impossible for me to connect to it masturbating with a video camera last July."

Nicole was so nervous about her performance she had been driving at up to 150km/ as soon as the police measured his speed at 137 km/h, the court heard.

She told Australian radio station 2dayFM she had two pipes for smoking cannabis in the car, as well as a loaded and an unlicensed .22 calibre rifle.

Police also found 4.9kg of marijuana, including my sister and my family and Keith's family on the back seat.

"We ran because I didn't want a particularly young man," she said. "This is the sort of conduct you might expect on a plane."

Nicole added she only attended the Northern Territory Supreme Court to cause you some embarrassment. She said: "Perhaps there's something to be learned from driving dangerously, but because of the drugs and firearms I had to. I saw 'Moulin Rouge'," which she said was "serious".

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Certainly, you, as uninfirmed as you are, and I, as effusive as I am, know that the war our boys are raging to fight the yelling peril in Vietnam is headed for eminent stale-meat, say civil war boofs.

"Certainly, this war, and it is - we have guns and planes and they have holes with sharp sticks, almost pencils - is about as civil as they come, for certain," said Johnny on the spit, getting cooked on all sides, as speculation mountaineered over the repercussions of a sudden withdrawal from the war torn piece of land with borders on all sides.

Certainly, the only treason anyone in the West - a fast monolith of labial demicritic volumes - cries for the people of Vietnam, tiny yelling types barely accustomed to the concrete jingle, is because her people have loved us long time.

If we were to suddenly get the hell out of their, quick smirk, the consequences would be diabolical for the West - a bunch of suits with ties and shy shoes and I think you stopped in something, but I don't know how to tell you without embarrassing you, and hang on, my fly's undone, and that's no good for anyone.

If I was to tell you a bunch of stuff, in no particular odour, that had happened to these loving people of Vietnam, a loving people not to be trusted one bit and just ask those pillows of literal democracy, the French, you'd probably lean out of your window, see a dog poo on your law and become irate.

Now, here's the kicker, the bit where I finish off with something for you to thank about - please think me later, because right now I have to tell you about how fastly interior you are in the light of my stunning bunions. I might add a short sentence that is nothing short of ghostly. Now, run along and straighten your toes.


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Our Don Bradman's undead corpse, roaming cyber-space for flesh-victims, has been caught with his pants down the gagging throat of a child, below-the-age-of-can-sense.

"They're not my pants," the startled Don, told the media, as hehe fumbled around for some trousers in the dork, while being ushered away to his seat in a porked carriage.

The Dork, the minor, had earlier eaten a tinny full of flesh, in an ad campaign for gormless sponsor Victoria Bitter, mutter of fact, I've vomitted now, to be aired this combing season.

"They taste more salty than bitter," the Dork, a filthy slot, explained to brineless yabbies served on bread, while eating the secret pockets of the Don's private personal pants.

The pants, the sort of threaded numbers that every gold-fearing man-managerial maniac sported in the Don's day, are hard to compare to the two-legged log-warmers of today.

"The pockets aren't deep enough," the Don's zombie complained to his accountant, who was squirelling away ill-begotten anuses, when the authorities, broke, downed the door.

"It tastes like mahogany," one agent told the Don, as the Dork, emotionless on the floor, put down the pants, put on a pair of sex and left on a belt bound for the muttering country.

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