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Consumption Malfunction - reader's indigestion

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American televangelist Pat Robertson has blamed Paris Hilton and a woman who allegedly tried to relieve the pain suffered by American televangelist Pat Robertson, who spent eight days trapped in Britain, Canada and Spain and is being treated for dehydration while revolted, and got to trade her two-year-old daughter, for a "mystery object" in my throat and windpipe, she explained, adding that the object will pass within 130,000km of God, meaning there is no chance Pat Robertson was willing to try to commit suicide "if anything happened to journalists," one man yelled out angrily, shaking, and saw what looked like blood due to an electrical fault and also criticised the woman, who lived alone, and might be a spent rocket booster.

But it's not news to the world's shortest and tallest men attacked and killed by her now ex-boyfriend - which turned out to be a person after the discovery of a tumour behind a moving ambulance in July 2007, narrowly missing two pedestrians, this time barricading the door, and told me my heart-rate was irregular -- and 53 plants up to 100cm tall were found growing there, with one newspaper likening US President Barack Obama to a traditional Maori, which was "an important issue to us" so obviously Australians have been quite affected by maternal and infant mortality, malnutrition, cardiovascular illnesses, HIV and other infectious diseases such as American televangelist Pat Robertson, narrowly missing two pedestrians as he plunged for that length of time trapped in a moving ambulance - which turned out to be a "mystery object".





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FISHERMEN couldn't believe their eyes when LADY GaGa reduced a pregnant homeless woman to giggles when she turned up to meet her where some 60 kg of marijuana was found, which required her to get her hair and makeup done again at the home of one of them.

Initially, Spielberg had wanted Tom Hanks to hit a friend with part of a broken wooden stool after a woman complained that they had stolen her marijuana, but I don't think I've ever walked into the home of one of them with anything but a bikini, let alone a wedding dress worth about 60,000 rand (4,865 pounds),

Playing a piano suspended on giant stilts, making it ideal for space agriculture, Spielberg then sought to persuade a foul smell emanating from the sewerage or grease trap to develop a dialogue between their child and adult selves just days after the teenager spurned his romantic advances in a huge red PVC outfit complete with Elizabethan style frills.

Hurling abuse at her work colleagues and stripping naked before a shock discovery of pornographic images on a website called "sex games", he planned to distribute ecstasy tablets as part of a limited education and she sometimes locked the sobbing, hungry boy outside, but he has a dark side and can get very moody.

The man aged in his 30s, seen by men as abnormal while suffering broken fingers and deep cuts, ditched her usual skimpy attire for one drug to anesthetise, another to paralyse and a third to stop a homeless pregnant woman, notorious for having a laugh, suffering an "allergic reaction to medication taken for a cold" and stuffed his little body in a suitcase, saying he can't believe his luck.

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Rupert Murdoch's Battle With Crack

November 9th 2009 21:20
Murdoch does yet another deal

Impotent sack of flaps Rupert Murdoch was last night quoted as saying: "Don't quote me on that," in the middle of a heated debate over the theft of his intellectually bereft property.

It is believed Murdoch, having some trouble with his pipes, was in talks with a plumber at the time, who it is understood, was mumbling so much it made it hard to understand a word he was saying.

"He asked me to come around and have a look at his pipes," the plumber, who wished for a new bike when he was eight, said, "but I couldn't find them. Who keeps their pipes at home anyway?"

Murdoch, addicted to crack, is believed to keep his pipes in the back of his ute like most people in the trade, and merely forgot himself at a time when he could sorely do with a hit to the brain.

"Anyway," the plumber said, inhaling a pie with sauce, "I eventually found a couple of pipes under his undies." It was then that he called Murdoch to inform him that he found a pair of ladies' knickers.

"I said to him," the plumber told his mate Bazza, "Can I quote you on your knickers? I'll give you a fair price. I didn't have to dig too hard. I'll tell you what you can do if you don't like it."

It is believed that it was at this point that the plumber wrote the words which Murdoch, visibly wearing ladies' undies, was so adamant he should not, and on his favourite knickers.

'SUE'.

The final irony, not lost on Murdoch, was that his knickers, another name for a bunch of briefed journalists, have been enjoying the high-life in Rupert's massive amounts of crack for yonks.

"For people who want to grab my stuff," Murdoch said, selling his junk on the street, "they'll see what my knickers have to say about grabbing bits that don't belong to them. They're talking about a stain on my good name."

Rupert often goes by 'Sue' on the street. His knickers can talk.
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Berlusconi calls Obama 'tanned' again

September 28th 2009 02:53
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Bush released from jail

September 16th 2009 00:07
   


   


Satan, goodness gracious, has called on all crass middle-aged white men of the world to file a class action against the Divine Creator.

"We know the difference between good and evil," Satan said, sucking all the goodness out of some shit. "We wrote the book on it."

Satan is threatening to throw the book at the Creator and take him to the cleaners with a suit so fanciful it makes Michael Jackson blush.

"I'm prepared to take everything but the shirt off his back," Satan said, hand on his his cold dead one. "Even if I have to lift his shirt."

Satan, liable to lift the shirt off the back of a string of suits, has every intention of convincing this world that he never even existed.

"I have an inflated opinion of my own standing," he explained, blowing up his wife with an explosive device. "The thing is, I'm always lying."

Satan, hoping like hell to face the Creator in a court of law, has every intention of tricking people into thinking there is no right and wrong.

"They're false dichotomies," Satan said, sharing his personality with the cult of his, "but that doesn't mean I won't be pretending I am."

Satan, pretending he doesn't exist, has pulled himself off for the last time, after slipping in the bath and pissing himself off, for good.

"The Creator pissed me off," Satan said, talking shit, "but only because I said I'd sue the shit out of him," he testified, eating his words.
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Michael Jackson's former wife Lisa Marie Presley said Friday the pop star was a tortured soul who once predicted that he would "end up" like her father, the late rock icon Elvis Presley.

"He always said he would come to nothing in the end," she said, "and for once," she said, "he wasn't having a subtle dig," she said, giving us the dirt on the dead whacko.

He has dedicated his life to the Catholic church. For years he was a member of the NSW Anti-Discrimination Board and his work with HIV and AIDS sufferers in Sydney earned him a Medal of the Order of Australia (OAM) in 1994.

"I don't know what qualifies as whacko," she said, eating a bucket of worms, "but this bucket tastes like plastic," she said, picking out a new habit to go with her religious life.

When he would occasionally emerge from his reclusive life, it was to shock his adoring fans and withering detractors with baby-dangling, chimpanzee kissing and a shotgun wedding that was on the rocks within days.

"We spent our honeymoon bathed in alcohol and ice," she said, exfoliating the dead skin from the whacko's body, "because he said it would preserve us as we are," she said, smashed off her face.

He was reading from an autocue. Jackson couldn't manage to string a few sentences together on his own.

"He should have finished at least one sentence," she said, nursing a sore nose. "He was always fluffing," she said, farting loudly with Bubbles.
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The Three Stooges
The diagnosis was made by Chairman Moe (seen here transplanting the hair of Larry into the larynx of Curly)

A woman in the US is suffering from an incurable growth syndrome that makes her body grow at an incredibly fast rate.

"Either she getting bigger," Moe said, slipping on his banana, "or I'm smaller getting," the chronic sufferer of LMS (Little Man Syndrome) said.

He said when Aboriginal people are lying on a dark road surface, wearing dark clothes, they are extremely hard to see.

"They just habit have a of blending in," he said, mixing himself up with an important person. "Is that racist?" he asked, running over things and not stopping to check.

Several doctors testified she suffered the most severe case of malnutrition they had ever seen, with one expert saying the child's head resembled a skull wrapped in skin.

"I'm no doctor," Moe said, testing everyone's patients, "but I certainly think woman this is... getting too big for her boots," he said, fitting her into a larger pair. "How does that feel?" he asked, touching her toes.

The Three Stooges were an American vaudeville and comedy act of the early to mid–20th century best known for their numerous short subject films.

"That's much better isn't it?" Moe asked, as she wrapped her feet around his face. "It's definitely you," he said, comparing her to her reflection in the mirror.

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With Rihanna set to break her silence in her assault case, Chris Brown reached a plea agreement that spared him jail time, it was announced Monday.

"We have an announcement to make," he said, breaking her silence. "It's not nearly as bad as being knocked up," he said, tying her up.

The actor tells Barbara Walters they will finally tie the knot once Fawcett is able.

"I'm telling you Barb," he said, "Can I call you Barb?", he asked. "I'm telling you, Barb," he said. "Don't push me, Barb."

He's now telling colleagues and friends that his new love of four months - a Sydney architect named "Julian" - has taught him how to appreciate life away from work.

"I'm telling you," he told colleagues and friends, "I'm going to work my new love over," he said, clenching his buttocks. "She's going to get such a punching," Brown said.

The incident shocked the music world and left Rihanna nursing cuts and bruises to her face, forcing her to cancel a scheduled performance at the Grammys in Los Angeles later that day.

"I just couldn't perform at the Grammys in Los Angeles looking like that," she said, picking out a new look. "Michael Jackson's face nearly fell to the floor when he saw me," she said. "He was going in the same one," she said, nursing her broken silence.

RMIT criminologist Assoc Prof Julian Bondy said the figures were evidence society was seeing violence as a norm.

"What's tickle without slap?" he asked, slapping his knee. "I'll tell you," he said, tickling your ribs. "Don't make me laugh."

He pleaded guilty to conspiracy, fraud and money laundering in the federal court in Detroit.

"How did it ever come to this?" he pleaded with the court. "I never hit her up for no money," he said. "I did it for nothing."


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TV host Tracy Grimshaw is not holding her breath for an apology from Gordon Ramsay despite being publicly denigrated by the celebrity chef.

"I'm not holding my breath for an apology," Grimshaw said, "I'm doing it for the victims of sexual abuse," she said, sucking in the big ones.

The 72-year-old actor who shot to fame in 1970s TV series Kung Fu was found dead in a hotel in Bangkok last Thursday.

"I know I don't look like a 72-year-old actor," Grimshaw pleaded to viewers, "but that's what being starved of oxygen can do when you've seen it all."

The woman agreed that while on a "cocktail" of prescription drugs she managed to cook, clean and shop for groceries and manage a household budget, but she did not recognise signs her daughter was gravely ill.

"I make a mean Shirley Temple," Grimshaw said, planning a brief trip. "On the good ship, lollipop," she explained, "it's a short trip to the candy shop," she went on, as Gordon Ramsay attempted a belated apology only to find his microphone wasn't working.

GORDON Ramsay's comments about Tracy Grimshaw were "off" and represented a new form of low life, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd says.

"I was working the boards at the time," Rudd told viewers, skipping the light fantastic, "I forgot that you needed to turn him on before shooting."

Relatives of the Kill Bill star believe he was "assassinated" because he was trying to expose an underworld marital arts group.

"I bet you didn't know I was in Kill Bill," Ramsay said, "I was one of those trying to expose the marital art of fidelity," he said. "I know karate," he said, smacking his chops.

The six-minute video showed the girl performing oral sex on the man on the upper deck of a bus as it rides across Hong Kong island with a few other passengers on board.

"Now you know why I was holding my breath," Grimshaw, the star of Kill Bill said, "I hate that smell you get on the bus," she told voyuers, holding her nose.

FOUL-mouthed British chef Gordon Ramsay denies he called A Current Affair host Tracy Grimshaw a lesbian before criticising the TV presenter for "attacking his wife."

"I called her a poofter," Ramsay said, "I had no idea she was a woman," he explained, validating the tickets he has on himself. "I'm very sorry," he said, giving himself a much-needed facial.

He was naked and had a rope tied around his neck, wrists and genitals.




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CLARE Werbeloff, the so-called “Chk-Chk Boom” woman who became an internet sensation after witnessing a shooting in Sydney’s King Cross red-light district, has inspired a YouTube dance remix.

It follows in the wake of other hit YouTube remixes of Werbeloff's other historically accurate first-hand accounts of wars between well-fed peoples of one nation and less well-fed peoples of the same nation.

Werbeloff, a protege of DJ John Pilger, has teamed up with Fatboy Slim and Nana Maskouri to cover the Butthole Surfer's classic "The American Civil War", to be released on Goebbel's Records to coincide with the fourth coming of John Farnham.

Butthole Surfer's classic "The American Civil War" features MC Abe Lincoln backed by Thomas Jefferson and The Constitution, and cost more American lives to produce than any other single hit, including such triumphs as JFK's "The Vietnam War".

Werbeloff, recounting her time with JFK's project The Vietnam War Explosion, later to be Tricky Dicky's outfit, told of one incident, she dubbed: "The Vietnam Execution", involving "these two gooks" which was actually General Nguyen Ngoc Loan killing Vietcong operative Nguyen Van Lem

"These two gooks were fighting," she said in typical stylee, "Then the yanks moved in and dropped acid," she said tripping, "Then all the green disappeared," she went on, "And it was backed by The Constitution," she said, backing up.

JFK, off his head on bullets, backed by The Constitution did nothing to stop The Mentality which saw to it Third World was impeded from throwing off the shackles of Mental Slavery, not to mention economic, for the purposes of a World Domination Tour.

"It's not a gross simplification," he said, backed by Big Money, "To say that performers like myself and Abe Lincoln would rather the vast masses in these places looking for national identity remain subject to the control of Big Money," he said.

Werbeloff, strangely silent on "The American Civil War", has sung the praises of Karl "The Jew" Marx and The Manifesto, because, in her interpretation of Abe Lincoln's classic covered by Slave Labour, there's more strength in The Union, backed by The Manifesto.



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Pope Benedict XVI on Saturday urged inter-faith reconciliation on the second day of a tour of the holy land but disappointed Muslim clerics by failing to offer a new apology for remarks seen as targeting Islam.

Pope Benedict XVI is of the order of the Fonzarellian Monks of Happy Days - a sacred and ancient order of the Roman Catholic Church founded by Henry Winkler in 1974 BC - and a staunch opponent of anything that's not cool.

"Heyyyyyy," Pope Benedict XVI said, to a Muslim cleric, "I made a... I made a.... I made a m... a m-m-m... a m-m-m..." he spluttered, "I made a muslim angry," he said, giving a thumbs up.

Muslim Cleric Postie Weber, the butt of so many of Pope Benedict XVI's cruel jokes, has sided with Pinky Tuscadero, a lesbian and a communist, after both were condemned by the Fonzarelliist Pope for making "beautiful music together".

"Sit on it," The Pope ordered Pinky Tuscadero, after she had informed The Pope that she was unhappy with the way their relationship was developing, and needed to "talk" about the way The Pope had cooled towards her.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay," The Pope, said going through the English alphabet as he warmed up for a speech to the adoring masses, "Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," he confessed to Joanie Cunningham, as she wondered what to do with her life.

"You're such a C, Mr," terminal clown Ralph Malph informed The Pope, as the latter taunted Cleric Potsie as he bathed in the blood of the infidels, and called for a really good shake.

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Larry Flynt, following in the slipper prints of unhygenic male senior citizen Hugh Hefner, has been voted in by the children in his care as the new CEO of ABC Learning Centres.

Flynt, possibly deceased or on holiday, had this to say at his first official function as CEO: "ABC Learning Centres are a community of children who provide an independent source of pornography for sexy men like me."

Flynt, brandishing a wheel chair, and possibly suffering from dementia, wore a funny look on his face when the children in his care began acting up.

"This is porn, not art," Flynt whispered from the sidelines, "If you two don't stop it, I'll have to separate you," he said, threatening to put an end to a sequence of inauthentic dialogue.

The dialogue, serving merely as a means to allow the viewers time to get a feel for things, has been seen to by none other than a man claiming to have come to clean the pool.

"I have come to clean the pool," the man, believed by some to be sporting a funny moustache, said. "Let me give you a quote first," he said, unfurling a hose. "I shall return," he said, doing a famous General.

Some children, their eyes burning, were less than impressed that the water they pee in on a daily basis is, as one put it, "so filthy", but many started up their complaining.

"I'm going to give you such a smack," one father said, picking up a child after a day on the shoot. "You like that, don't you?" the father whispered, "Bad girl."


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Pakistani police say they will wrap up an interim report into the deadly Sri Lankan cricket attack within 24 hours, after authorities said the perpetrators had been identified.

The men are described as being of Middle Eastern appearance with moustaches and beards and carrying semi-automatic weapons, possibly travelling by foot or taxi.

A taxi driver being interviewed by police is believed to fit the description being given by witnesses but accidentally got lost leaving the station and hasn't been seen since.

"We wish to speak to this man. Ask him if he has had a busy night. Throw up in the back. Stab him in the neck. Run off without paying the fare. Ask him why he doesn't piss off to his own country?"

Another man fitting the description had last been seen wandering the streets with a clipboard, knocking on doors looking to get people to sign their lives away on a dotted line.

"He told me to sign here, initial there and my life would improve. I did as I was told. I don't want my life not to get any better. He had a gun too. The beginnings of a moustache. He asked me if he could use the toilet. As far as I know he never used no toilet paper. I'd recognise him anywhere. Particularly if I saw him working in a convenience store," one witness said.

Pakistani authorities have been working around the clock to keep the doors of their small to medium-sized business open over the last 24 hours.

"We had to find stick to keep farking things open," said one, "and nobody even noticed these delicious confectionary expiring before my very farking hand. They're not a hand-grenades! We keep them under counter."





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THE investigator chasing the missing former lover of Olivia Newton-John believes he is a renegade bishop who questioned the Nazis' use of gas chambers.

Texas private investigator Lefebvrist bishop Richard Williamson said he is using the alias of a maximum of 300,000 Jews rather than the widely accepted figure of the Pope's.

Newton-John, the head of Germany's Central Council of Jews, said she was not withdrawing after holding out hope that her long-time love is the Pope.

She added that she could not believe that the Pope was hired by US television program Dateline as the result of an oversight — but I stress 'at the moment'.

"The singer's LA representative Michael Caprio said Newton-John is one of the most well-educated and intelligent people that the Catholic Church has and every word he speaks, he ended the day before he did not want to comment," she said.

France's Minister for the Pope said there was no evidence or proof as to the truth in this story provided by a serious error in investigation.

A Catholic, said: "It was a mistake to forgive so easily an actress who has appeared on CSI and is a practising mother and to rehabilitate his 15-year-old son: a bishop who has denied the existence of his disappearance and who said so very clearly."

In Britain, the pontiff (who was listed as the beneficiary of his father's $US100,000 life insurance policy) owed their 15-year-old son about $US50,000 in child support payments for Chance.

Yvette Nipar, a Communities Minister, said we have extreme concerns that he was "highly unsavoury".

"The fact that somebody would like to sit down causes me great concern," he said."Many will …find the promotion of such a thing highly unsavoury. She has been adamant and rabid about this."

"Let's be clear: those who deny the Holocaust aren't with-holding some information that we have and we would like to discuss it with pseudo-historians who are revising history. Some things that demonstrate the Holocaust didn't happen."

Bishop Williamson's inflammatory "lies, lies, lies", which sailed from San Pedro on the Californian coast, disappeared recently in an interview shown last week in historical accounts.

He and three other rehabilitated passengers on board gave contradicting reports of his whereabouts during and at the conclusion of the Swiss-based trip, including three crew members that were the older brothers of "Jews".

The Jews were apparently unnoticed until a week later when he failed to show up to see whether his son used gas chambers to exterminate his ex-wife, yesterday.

"I know that Newton-John found new love with US millionaire businessman John Easterling at least for disinfection, but I cannot say if they used to kill people or not," said Father Abrahamowicz, who she wed in June.

She is currently preparing his body, which will start on February 26.


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Time machine commuters from the Middle Ages, Latin lovers if ever they saw you, are appalled at the lack of learning on the part of modern scholars; shocked and appalled.

"Shocked and appalled. I'm shocked and appalled and, what's more, do you know where I can find Thomas Edison?" the towering collossus of erudition said, brushing up on his vernacular.

"I'll be! There must be an easier way to make sure film is never invented," the antique said, thumbing his nose through the white pages in a desparate bidet to track down the not-so-steamy inventor of the end of learning.

The Latin-lover, a bucket of dim-sims, and brandishing all his scholarly erudition, Romance naturally, had, earlier in his trip, gone to the pictures to 'escape the horrible truth of his life,' only to find: no subtitles.

"I couldn't believe what I was watching," the teary scholar, sitting on the urinal, said, "In the days of silent pictures, I could at least have something to read when I took the kids out," he said, taking some kids out with a cat with nine tails.

"Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoowwwwwwwrrr ."

"If I ever do happen to find Edison, I'll be all like, 'Are you Thomas Edison?' and he'll be all like 'No. Please, no!' and I'll be all like 'See you later, baby!' and then I'll be all like "I'll be back,' and he'll be all like 'Can you get me a drink?' and I'll be all like 'I'm not a pack-horse, you know!' and he'll be all like 'Go on!" and then I'll be all like 'Whatever,' and then I'll be liked by all, including him!"

The time-travelling supplier, government sponsored, has today alerted its officers to be on the lookout for the coke-carrying scholar of yesteryear, and have been instructed to assault the senseless.

Edison, the first man to electrocute an ephelant, has thanked the Academy, and in particular Plato for his fine work in Republic; "Thank you, Plato." he said, sipping his coco-cola through a straw-hat. "I'd like to thank Zeus, but he's dead," he went on a blender, "so I can't."

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Stephen Hawking Drowns

September 26th 2008 02:08
Universally acclaimed, award-wage winning ego-head, Stephen Hawking has drowned in the bath after forgetting that he can't swim.

"I knew I should never have let him go in the water," his wheelchair, fizzably shaken, told a shocked English public that was today calling for a pizza.

A person, two walking legs and two wanking arms, had earlier told the police that he had witnessed the terrible events unfold before his very arse.

"At first I couldn't believe it," the Pommy bastard, revisiting the scene told us, "I mean, who washes during the week?" he continued, raving his arms in the hair.

The media pack, a giant organism of clicking and recoding instrumentals, could only nod off in aggrievement at the words of the only knowing witness.

"It's a sad day for the universe," a visibly showing spokesman for the scientific community said, as he whipped away the tears from his wife's crying arse.

Hawking, it is understood, was physically incapable of turning the taps on, as Ginger Rogers explained to Fred Astaire, so how did he drown?

"This wouldn't happen if we could imply slaves, any race'll do, to look after the elite," a voice of treason told his butler, a half and half.

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Women, foreign critters without impotent dangling bits who might bite off your penis at the drop of a that, have for the first time spoken, through clenched fists, about their fears of accidentally on purpose castrating their mates.

"When I was a young girl, I used to make a fortune off the tooth fairy," one woman, a two-legged thing with pursed laps, said playing with the teeth on her zapper as she flossed her parloury whites with a tea-bag.

It is long been accepted in male society, a thing with one head up the front and one up the back, that women, four-legged crappy crawlers, are a threat to their stranglehold on the pursed strings, and could snap at any time.

"I well remember my mother's embraces," said one fearful man, his knackers dragging on the ground, as he sat in the dentist's chair, "her teeth were all over the place," he continued, as the dentist, someone who's seen it all, produced a musical.

What we've all known for years is that women, yearning many on their backs, have, in their most intimate parts, the ability to cut a man, a worrier, down to size with just one or two sharp words, well armed, from their laps.

"You're going to require a filling," the dentist, underpants over the noise and mouth, told his patient, a woman who had fallen under, as he prepared the cavity while his assistant, and another woman, gagged and winced.

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Christopher Hitchens is a portly gentleman with a penchant for lesbianism, a head like a turkey and a mouth like a turkey-slapper, heshe and Noam Chomsky, a fiddler with the facts, bizarre raconteur and self-talker, had a famous tiff over a waiteress carrying a plate of fresh buns.
In the interests of fairness, the specific vocal inflections of bananality have been removed to protect the innocent.
Hitchens: Thanks for meeting me like this.
Chomsky: I like to think I'm fairly even-minded about these things.
Hitchens: Do you want a sandwich?
Chomsky: Do I? Let me think, do I? Do I? I'm not sure that's going to help matters.
Hitchens: I've got ham, ham and cheese, or tomato, bacon, ham, egg, beetroot, onion and turkey on white.
Chomsky: My bum's very itchy, but I can't see how you'd care, CHRISTOPHER!
Hitchens: Let me get that for you.
Chomsky: Would you be so kind? Would you? WOULD YOU?!
Hitchens: Would I? I would. I would. I definitely would!
Chomsky: No need to be so rough! NO NEED TO BE SO ROUGH!
Hitchens: You like turkey, don't you? Don't tell me you don't like it!
Chomsky: Give it here! HERE!
Hitchens: I'm sorry for all those things I said.
Chomsky: I'm sorry too, Christopher. I'm so very SORRY! So sorry for all those things you said!
Hitchens: Can you ever forgive me? What we had was special. I miss you!
Chomsky: You've got a lot of work to do. A LOT!
Hitchens: God, you're a bitch! sometimes. Sometimes, you're such a bitch.
Chomsky: This'll never work! I mean, I have my spot where I see things from, and you, YOU HAVE YOURS! You have yours.
Hitchens: Tell me you love me! Tell me you'll never see me again. Tell me. Tell me!
Chomsky: I'm not sure I do anymore. I'M JUST NOT SURE!
At this moment, the elevator reached the ground floor, where both high-minded theorists got into their expansive vehicles and drove off in separate staged directions.
Htchens: I'll never get this. He was the one.
Chomsky: I love playing hard to get! FOOL!
Their hair blowing in the wind, our two star crossed laughers will never, ALAS, see eye to eye. ALAS!
Hitchens: I need a drink.
Chomsky: What are you having?
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Giant Clam attacks Skyscraper

August 10th 2008 23:47
A Giant Clam, giganticus clamourous, has forced frightened orifice-workers out of their building, a cloudscraper, after lurching onto the phallus in the heart of the city.

"I looked up and all I could see was a giant beard," said one frightened widow-cleaner who was being comforted by a mortgage repayment.

The city, a strange palace at the best of times, has never seen such chaos as traffickers ground to a standstill while buskers prayed for their loaves.

"Please, give me this day my daily bread," one sang while beating a drum and passing a hat.

"I wouldn't like to have to pass a hat for a living," said one fleeting businessman as he straightened his jacket while droolers polished his loafers.

"It looks excruciating," said another, as the hat, a broad-brimmed number, made it's way kicking and screeching into this world scarce half-wit made-up.

The Giant Clam, a giant by any measure, had earlier, much earlier, engulfed the shitty in its rubbery goodness as seafoot connoisseurs dipped their loads.

"It looks good enough to eat," said one startled gourmet, tucking into the half-eaten remains of a decaying busker who had earlier kicked the basket.

The city, nothing like a colony of insects, is set to return to the ground from whence it came just as soon as the insects have gone to heaven.

The clam, speaking through lawyers, released this little pearl:

Shiny.

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The word's greatest spiller, kiddy porn controversy denier, humble pie manufacturer, bigot squasher, argumentative tail-chaser, ignored and vilified martyr, tea-slipper, Kamahl enthusiast, heroic saviour of the maniacal and depressed, donkey-wielder, robot-inventor, carrot-catcher and man with a pair of sucks down his pants, has scoffed at claims he can't spell Karl Marx.

"Put it in a sentence," he said adjusting his larger-than-life sized image of himself emblazoned on his jockeys.

Lay off the whip, for pity's ache.

"Karl Marx was someone who sat around while working robots went about their lives," the master of the unceremonious replied.

It was at this point that the champion smeller, a champion in every sentence of words, fluffed his pants.

"There's not a word I know, and I know them all, that I don't know the meaning of, let alone know how to smell," he said, sitting around while working people went about other peoples' businesses.

"C-A-R-L," he spelled Karl.

I'm sensing this isn't how to conduct yourself in public.

I hate to sound like a smarty pants.

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Depardieu plays on the NSW right

Gay icon, patroniser of the arts, movie mongoose and hairdressing vigilante Kevin Rudd has ordered back-puncher Depardieu into the sequel of the smash hit after seeing her "sink the boots in."

"I always thought the French were a bunch of pedophiles," the smartly hair-cutted renaissance-man told his twelve-year old assistant.

"But when I saw Gerard playing soccer I thought to myself," the heavy thinking tee-totaller told best friend Mr. Baldy.

Mr. Baldy, AKA Johnny Howard, was in hiding today as the public toilets were set to be re-opened.

"I often find myself hiding behind a bush or two," the bald tenor told delegates.

Depardieu, fluent in the internationl language of soccer, also speaks fluent hooliganism.

"These boots were made for talking and one of these days..." she said before reporters sufferred mild percussion.

Instruments.
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Norm: sorry for sorry sorry

May 8th 2008 23:53
Apologetic ineffectual and cerebral acuity sufferer Norm has told pseudo-sufferers that he's sorry that his 'sorry' was so verily sorry.

"Sorry, this sorry sorry is a sorry sorry from a very sorry soul," said a true ineffectual, explert in all, moister of nuns, teacher of the pimples and ha and matey elephant ridder.

The battle betwine he and Norm for the arse and minds of the pimples has wed some to bereave that the former is the grater.

"He grates on me," said terminal ladder-slider, unintelligible builder, voracious animus, and pus-taker Norm.

For all hat, Norm is verisimiltude to sorrow over the wailments of the world.

"Mire than yule ulcer nose," he bespoke while tailoring his suet.

The bottle for hammerous righteousness goes right drown to aviary shingle word ratten.

The dove, ill, is in the detoils.
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Norm in hot water again

April 24th 2008 01:30
Filthy exponent of the lost fart of hammer and patricidal almanac, Norm has refuelled speculation about his increasing prosperity after having a bath for the flirt time in ages.

"I'd be lying if I was having a bath," the perpendicularly challenged sloth told passing showers.

Norm, who has never spelt so good, claims that he really isn't a great spiller.

"If there's one thing I can't stand it's spelling good," the grammatical giant is quoted as splaying while laddering up his boar.

Many critics believe the internet's first laddy spells to high hessian.

Actually, I smell like noises.


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Belittled mugger and all-rind good spot, Norm has sniffelled the ignonimy of having to look "silly" for pisstaking starch-footed Kevin Rudd for a pedestrian.

"I'll be flighting these charges vigourously," the indolent-one told TV guides.

We understand that Norm, who has never stunk solo, was a candidate to be Australia's first president until misfortune landed on his fedora.

"Look, Norm is a very misguided individual," Rudd said of the channel-surfing hazy-bones.

"We think he'd make a fabulous backbencher," he said as new polls showed a traumatic upswank in Norm's polarity.

Norm, who hates stalking about himself, has refused to make a comma.

"I've got no comma to make at this time," the deceptive dredger told ocean floors.

Norm is expecting re-erection, a saucy siren sounds.
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Medea besplattered boggling giant Norm has told his loyal subjects to avenge his tarnished reputation after critics labelled him as Judge Judy and Executioner.

"You can't polish a turd," the ethnic-lenser said as he put down his spectacles.

"But you may as well try," he went on as impatient reporters reached for their keyholes.

Norm remains committed to harsh sentences, despite reports to the country.

"I'll continue to hand down reasonable sentences," he said as he brought down the hammer on lots.

Critics remain committed to explosing him as a self-indulgent writher.

Try as they vegemite, they won't kettle any wear.
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Acquisitional artist to the stores, Ken Done has been arrested by police at his palatial abode after an investigation discovered he was the head of a child-pornography rink.

"He's been skating on thin ice," said the detective in charge of the arresting ice-ballet.

The artist, businessman, designer, child-molester, pedophile, poofter-pasher, scrabble-player, monopoly-exponent, tea-toweller, t-shirter, back-scratcher, mind-bender, moustache-wearer and short-lifter released a statement to the media that was too bright and colourful to be anything other than the work of a bucket-waver.

"I am innocent of the charges," he stated, "but I wouldn't mind if I wasn't."

The skirt-licker is believed to have a penchant for people in pre-pubescence.

"What's done is done," Done told his bank-manager while frittering away his banana-lounge.

The case continues.


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Andrew Symonds Drives
Symonds drives off in Harbhajan's vehicle

Symonds, whose brain has been measured at twice the capacity of a female, drove off in a new car that didn't belong to him.

The official ceremony, presided over by Colonel Sanders, also saw the watermelon-lover accept a token for a free Coke with every tank of petrol bought at Caltex.

"You don't want to know what I'm going to do with all this petrol," the sniffing monkey told his white elephant.

Police have kept Symonds quiet by taking the generator that he made in an afternoon of passion in the park with an unidentifiable female.

Symonds is reportedly fuming over the incident.

The government has apologised for the stolen generator.







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Smith 'a decent Aussie' says Hicks

February 4th 2008 00:58
David Hicks has leapt to the defence of terrorist apologiser Dick Smith in a stunning episode of Channel Nine's Survivor MMXIV: Guantanamo Bay.

It is understood that Australia's owned Smith is wearing.

"It's OK, I'm decent." he told Brownies selling brownies.

Unemployment statistic Amanda Vanstone has argued to be betrothed to be their wife so she can enjoy the benefits of the prison feud.

Hicks has told members of his tribe to strap themselves in for a rumpy bride.

"Stand back, she's going to blow!" Hicks said as he took out his bazooka before taking out the bitch.

It was rubbish-night.

The episode is due to be aired to the free at the end of Condoleeza Rice's current cycle.

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Judge blames Symonds for race row

January 30th 2008 23:24
"If he wasn't a nigger, another nigger wouldn't have called him on his mobile to buy drugs." the judge said sheepishly at the wake for Heath Ledger held at Wayne Carey's pad.

It is understood that the jude wasn't partaking in mysterious white substances extracted from the tissues he found in Ledger's pockets when Miami Vice's Don Johnson cracked open a pack.

Carey, who was so chained to the kitchen that he couldn't fraternise with his guest speakers, was laterally chained to the kitchen by guest Johnson.

"Is done, is good." Carey said in typically articulate fashion before celebrating his reinduction into police practices by smashing some kitchenware over a pitted model.

Symonds could only watch on from his cage while the judge continued to egg on his face.

"It's all scambled." Symonds said of the seas of his trousers as he patted guests on the bottom in a friendly way condemned by kitchenbound Carey.

"I'm the only one who can hit bottom here!" he screamed while cutting in on his friends' sandwiches.

Harbajhan could only synthesize with his "brother", which he did while making sweet love to his mother.





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Extraordinary dog-handler and free-thinking ridicule Obama has barracked for his dog's lead as he struck it across Sir Edmund Hillary Clinton's ass range today in Nevada.

"This is one small smack for Hillary. One giant welt for her ass." Obama said as he played around with gophing buddy Osama.

Osama, the noted terrestrialist, took two shots from the bunker before driving his buggy into the club-house bistro.

It was not long after this that Clinton presented her husband to the gallery saying "If he ever rest I've never seen it."

The narrow lead, leather, came off second best according to witnesses who reported seeing things, as they saw it, with their own two eyes.

Unlike horses, eyes compete with each other for a better view of 'reality'.

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Village person Hillary Clinton has assaulted rival Barack Obama with a stunningly blunt sledgehammer on his stance over the urinals.

"I will not shell legumes when nature calls," she pleaded while dousing sanitary cakes in a steam of golden liquidity.

Obama, who many believe to be doing so well because his name is so close to Osama, has denied that he can't land a plane.

"I played football at college. I've never made a touchdown." he told his tight-end.

The former first lady has told the former president and husband Bill while at the stainless steel fountain cakes after he nearly urinated on his loafers and before he was whisked away by a giant beater, "Close but no cigar."

The campaigning for the rights of fatherless children has begun in earnest so keep your potatoes peeled.

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britney on fire

Britney Spears is met with a traditional Muslim ceremony to kick off her tour of the Middle East.

From the moment she announced she was taking her banjo on the road, a crowd of over ten people had been building up.

The ceremony, which included a spectacular pyrotechnic display, saw the crowd throwing their arms in the air.

Spears, thankful that others give up their own lives for hers, said that "I looked out into a sea of smiling faces. They weren't attached to heads, but it's still nice to be here".

She then launched into a memorable banjo solo that had the crowd's chins touching the ground - so good was it.

Her disarming manner has never been so effective.
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Mokbel hires Warne to defend him

October 10th 2007 09:32
Warne appeals Mokbel's case
The Sultan appeals for a baron

Confessed philanderer and cricket tragic Tony Mokbel has employed the Sultan of Swing in a last-ditch attempt to clear his good name.

Speaking from the bunker formerly leased by Saddam "The Frying Beard" Hussein, Mokbel is reported to have told Warne to stop at nothing to clear his name.

Warne, sporting a couple of scrubbers, spent his first day as Mokbel's attorney by having his helmet polished by a couple of scrubbers.

Speaking at the appeal, Warne told the judge "My client had nothing to do with the white line. I appeal to you to dismiss him."

When told of the judge's ill father, Warne simply asked the judge, "How is heeeeeee?!"
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